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Post by myshelly on Mar 21, 2018 1:42:51 GMT
I’m an extreme introvert. If I go alone I can sit by myself, don’t have to talk, and can leave when I want. Really not seeing the problem. And that's good for you - but you aren't everyone. I'm sure there's *something* in life that you aren't comfortable with that others see as no big deal. We're not robots; we're not all alike. And that’s fine...but there’s no excuse for people to argue about getting to invite someone to a wedding they aren’t paying for, aren’t planning, and aren’t in charge of. Put on your big girl britches and go alone...or shit your mouth and decline. Having ridiculous hang ups about doing things alone as an adult isn’t an excuse to ignore the rules of polite society - that’s my point. The people whining “oh I could never go alone” are being juvenile and stupid.
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Post by lucyg on Mar 21, 2018 1:48:03 GMT
The people hosting the wedding are under no obligation to invite their single guests to bring another guest. Those invited are under no obligation to attend if they don’t feel they’ll know enough people to enjoy themselves without a date, OR if they’re feeling pissy because they don’t get to bring their new bf/gf. And they especially don’t get to bring an uninvited guest along just because they feel like it. BUT you do need to invite both halves of a committed couple (engaged, living together, or longtime couple). And dear God, married couples. I heard about a guy once who was invited to a wedding and his wife wasn’t. gahhhhh All that said ... this MOB sounds like a major pain in the ass. But she’s still right about people bringing uninvited guests along to the wedding.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,921
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Mar 21, 2018 1:50:51 GMT
And no, it’s not the end of the world to go by yourself to a wedding but why would you want to? Why would it bother you? I just don’t understand why people hesitate to go somewhere by themselves. I think I explained it before. I wouldn’t want to be sitting at a table alone when other couples and groups of friends are dancing or to be looking around to find a group to attach myself to. Weddings and banquets are not conducive to starting great conversations with other people. Could I do it? If I had to probably but I might just prefer an evening with Netflix. And yes, there is the possibility of not attending. That said, I have gone to friends and family weddings when I knew a lot of people and it was ok but that is not always the case.
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Post by jenjie on Mar 21, 2018 1:52:42 GMT
I do think there is rudeness on both parts. One shouldn’t assume a + one unless stated but not allowing a plus one is also a lack of consideration for your guests. Actually, I think the consideration is, "Do I invite the cousins as singles because I want them here but can't afford/don't have space for/flat out don't want to have them bring guests, or do I just not invite them at all so they don't get mad that I didn't let them bring a date?" Frankly, nothing would make SO happier than to be left off the next wedding invite we get. I tried inviting my older single (at the time) cousin without a plus one. My aunt called my dad and he was livid. “I don’t care who you have to uninvite, I’m paying for this wedding and your cousin is bringing a guest!” He wasn’t wrong.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Mar 21, 2018 1:59:23 GMT
I can understand some people's trepidation to go alone if it's mostly a couple event and they don't really know other people. I think that's more rare though than circumstances like where there are groups of either families or friends which would add significantly to the numbers to do +1. I have a zillion cousins. Okay not a zillion 47 maybe? I married young and I think less than half were in relationships. There was no way in hell I was paying for an extra 30-40 people, they can hang out together and have fun or stay home. My husband's issue was his fraternity brothers - 20-30 I don't remember exactly how many were in his class and part of the "musts". Again, the vast majority were single - they knew each other and had absolutely no problem having a fine time. A blanket +1 would have added probably 50 or more people to our wedding.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 21, 2018 2:01:35 GMT
I can understand some people's trepidation to go alone if it's mostly a couple event and they don't really know other people. I think that's more rare though than circumstances like where there are groups of either families or friends which would add significantly to the numbers to do +1. I have a zillion cousins. Okay not a zillion 47 maybe? I married young and I think less than half were in relationships. There was no way in hell I was paying for an extra 30-40 people, they can hang out together and have fun or stay home. My husband's issue was his fraternity brothers - 20-30 I don't remember exactly how many were in his class and part of the "musts". Again, the vast majority were single - they knew each other and had absolutely no problem having a fine time. A blanket +1 would have added probably 50 or more people to our wedding. I read your last sentence as commenting on the blanket issue and the plus one issue at first. It may be time for me to stop posting tonight
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pilcas
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Posts: 2,921
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Mar 21, 2018 2:05:04 GMT
And that's good for you - but you aren't everyone. I'm sure there's *something* in life that you aren't comfortable with that others see as no big deal. We're not robots; we're not all alike. And that’s fine...but there’s no excuse for people to argue about getting to invite someone to a wedding they aren’t paying for, aren’t planning, and aren’t in charge of. Put on your big girl britches and go alone...or shit your mouth and decline. Having ridiculous hang ups about doing things alone as an adult isn’t an excuse to ignore the rules of polite society - that’s my point. The people whining “oh I could never go alone” are being juvenile and stupid. I don’t think anyone is arguing. We are just discussing a situation and how different people feel about it. Most responders are not calling other people’s feelings ridiculous hang ups, juvenile or stupid. A wedding is a big deal to those inmediately involved, not so much to everyone else.
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pudgygroundhog
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Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Mar 21, 2018 2:11:13 GMT
THose of you who won't go alone, who's weddings do you get invited to? How many weddings have you been inited to where you only knew either the bride or the groom? I've been invited to weddings where I might not know the bride or groom that well because it is my cousin's now grown kid, but I know most of the guest because they are family. So I don't know my cousins now grown daughter but the cousins, aunts, uncles we share I DO know. Weddings are family reunions. Other weddings I get invited to are work related. I am never the only one the office going. So even if I don't have a date I likely know at least a few people from the office I can socialize with. I have never in my life been invited to a wedding where I didn't know anyone but the bride or groom. Whatever connects me to the bride/groom also connects me to other people in their guest list. I generally don't have problems going to things alone, but I did attend a wedding as a plus one with a friend last year. We both knew the bride and her family, but we did not know anybody else at all (reason my friend wanted me to come). Everybody was nice and we had fun, but we were both glad we knew each other (it also involved flying across the country, renting a car and driving several hours to the location, and renting a room - so it was nice to have a buddy for that).
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Post by peasapie on Mar 21, 2018 2:24:06 GMT
I think it’s far better to invite fewer friends and invite each to bring a guest. It sounds like mom is stretching her wedding budget at the expense of her guests and putting them in an uncomfortable position — go alone or miss your friend’s wedding. I can understand why they would respond with a plus 1. maybe it was go alone or don't be invited. We have no idea how big this wedding was. But some of these singles were cousins. So do you not invite family to make room for a single cousin's date just so she won't be alone among family? My opinion is you invite fewer people - the closest cousins, for example, or leave out mom and dad’s work pals, and include the guest option. It’s just considerate. Every wedding, no matter the size, involves paring the list. If I get an invite, I have to send or bring a gift. I wouldn’t want to stand outside in 45 degree weather, shivering, no heaters or blankets, without my husband, and then have to write a check to pay for that honor. It just doesn’t sound like good planning to me but hey - to each her own!
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Rhondito
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MississipPea
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Post by Rhondito on Mar 21, 2018 2:37:42 GMT
And that's good for you - but you aren't everyone. I'm sure there's *something* in life that you aren't comfortable with that others see as no big deal. We're not robots; we're not all alike. And that’s fine...but there’s no excuse for people to argue about getting to invite someone to a wedding they aren’t paying for, aren’t planning, and aren’t in charge of. Put on your big girl britches and go alone...or shit your mouth and decline. Having ridiculous hang ups about doing things alone as an adult isn’t an excuse to ignore the rules of polite society - that’s my point. The people whining “oh I could never go alone” are being juvenile and stupid.I agree with you, there's no use arguing over it. Decline or go alone. And ignoring the lack of a plus one is a definite no-no, even if someone feels justified. But you keep saying things like above, or you "just don't get it" - I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding your meaning, but to me that comes across as 'it doesn't bother me to do those things alone so it shouldn't bother anyone else.'
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twinsmomfla99
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Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Mar 21, 2018 2:38:31 GMT
maybe it was go alone or don't be invited. We have no idea how big this wedding was. But some of these singles were cousins. So do you not invite family to make room for a single cousin's date just so she won't be alone among family? My opinion is you invite fewer people - the closest cousins, for example, or leave out mom and dad’s work pals, and include the guest option. It’s just considerate. Every wedding, no matter the size, involves paring the list. If I get an invite, I have to send or bring a gift. I wouldn’t want to stand outside in 45 degree weather, shivering, no heaters or blankets, without my husband, and then have to write a check to pay for that honor. It just doesn’t sound like good planning to me but hey - to each her own! Whoa on the gift thing! Simply receiving an invitation does not obligate you to a gift! If it is a couple I want to celebrate with a gift, I will, whether I attend the wedding or not. If it is not someone I want to celebrate, I will send my regrets and perhaps a card, not a gift.
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Post by Tamhugh on Mar 21, 2018 2:50:00 GMT
I guess I am kind of surprised at the people who think the bride and groom should cut out cousins, friends, or family friends to make room for a virtual stranger who has no ties to the wedding. Cousin #2 gets excluded so that cousin #1 can bring a date, who may just be a random guy/girl they latched onto so they have someone to dance with? That makes no sense.
It it probably bothers me because the people I know who would be offended by not getting to bring a plus 1 are the same ones that would be more offended if they weren't invited to the wedding, especially to make room for someone else's plus 1.
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Post by shevy on Mar 21, 2018 18:18:16 GMT
If the invite isn’t addressed to “and guest” you don’t get a plus one. Period. If you don’t want to go alone, don’t go. (I think the whole not wanting to go somewhere alone argument is ridiculous for ANY event. I can’t stand people who won’t do things by themselves. You’re an adult. If you’re not a conjoined twin, you should be able to go anywhere alone.) I have anxiety. And even going to do something really fun alone is so panic inducing, I have to talk myself into it. So while I am not joined at the hip, I usually don't go places unless I'm going with my husband or my sister. It's my brain, I'm on meds for it, I do the best I can and I won't be forced into it.
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Post by shevy on Mar 21, 2018 18:20:19 GMT
If the invite isn’t addressed to “and guest” you don’t get a plus one. Period. If you don’t want to go alone, don’t go. (I think the whole not wanting to go somewhere alone argument is ridiculous for ANY event. I can’t stand people who won’t do things by themselves. You’re an adult. If you’re not a conjoined twin, you should be able to go anywhere alone.) This. A thousand time this! So you attend a wedding alone? It's not the end of the world. Just talk to the others that are there. It's not that easy for everyone. I guess this is also something that if you've never experienced, you'd never know. Social anxiety is a real thing.
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Deleted
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May 21, 2024 13:57:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2018 18:25:47 GMT
As someone who is cripplingly self conscious walking into a wedding alone would be horrendous. I find small talk and mingling excrutiating so I wouldn't enjoy myself at all. I do go to lots of places alone but a wedding wouldn't be one of them. I wouldn't assume that I could take a guest though, I'd just rather not go. Weddings don't mean all that much to me anyway.
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Post by lucyg on Mar 21, 2018 18:36:48 GMT
If the invite isn’t addressed to “and guest” you don’t get a plus one. Period. If you don’t want to go alone, don’t go. (I think the whole not wanting to go somewhere alone argument is ridiculous for ANY event. I can’t stand people who won’t do things by themselves. You’re an adult. If you’re not a conjoined twin, you should be able to go anywhere alone.) I have anxiety. And even going to do something really fun alone is so panic inducing, I have to talk myself into it. So while I am not joined at the hip, I usually don't go places unless I'm going with my husband or my sister. It's my brain, I'm on meds for it, I do the best I can and I won't be forced into it. I understand that, but the answer is "no, thank you," not "they should have let me bring a friend." And in any case, since you're married, there shouldn't be a wedding in the world that you'd be invited to without your husband anyway.
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 21, 2018 18:37:37 GMT
The woman was in high dudgeon about the ignorance and rudeness of young people who would assume that they could just bring along a friend or date to the wedding. Now, I don't go to many weddings, but wouldn't it be the correct thing to do to indicate on the invitation that the guest, plus-one, was invited? Then if they choose to come alone they can, but if they want to bring someone they can. I can't imagine that many people want to walk into a wedding reception alone.It was all very entertaining, but what I really want to know is: isn't it simple politeness to indicate a plus-one on a wedding invitation, regardless of the invitee's marital/relationship status? Forgive me for editing your post down to these remarks. I've been single for many friend's weddings and received an invitation for only myself. It never occurred to me to want to bring a date if the invitation didn't say "and guest". Even if it was "and guest" I would rather go alone than bring along someone that didn't know the bride and/or groom. I can only think of one wedding where I didn't know anyone else invited and I had a lovely time at an assigned table for the reception. For most weddings, there were plenty of others there without a date and a group of us mixed singles would go together. I do think it comes down to budget numbers for the bridal couple and inviting twice as many single friends makes more sense than prioritizing your single friends and letting the top 5 invite a stranger guest that isn't a significant other in their life.
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Post by jassy on Mar 21, 2018 18:38:15 GMT
Oh you hit a hot button issue for me!
If the invitation does not explicitly state "and guest" then it's just for you. Go or don't go. But don't write in a guest!
My wedding was 24 years ago - we did things very differently in a lot of ways from other family members. We were just graduated from college and had a small afternoon wedding. About 75 guests total. I remember when planning my "different' wedding, my aunt and uncle praising it and saying "that's right, jassy - it's your day. Do things the way you want". Welllll, for our small wedding, we did NOT invite plus ones for our single cousins who weren't in relationships. I mean we were having a small, intimate family wedding - we weren't looking to have strangers at all. So this same aunt and uncle blew a GASKET over my 19 year old cousin not getting a plus one. This led to an all-out war between them and my parents, and resulted in my aunt/uncle not speaking to my parents for 10 YEARS. They eventually came to their senses - after a death in the family - and apologized to all of us. A couple years later, my uncle passed away. All those lost years with his siblings for offense and not having a plus one for his teenage daughter at a small family wedding.
Any wedding invitation is nice to get. None are rude. If you don't want to go for whatever reason, then don't go.
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Post by lucyg on Mar 21, 2018 18:40:55 GMT
maybe it was go alone or don't be invited. We have no idea how big this wedding was. But some of these singles were cousins. So do you not invite family to make room for a single cousin's date just so she won't be alone among family? My opinion is you invite fewer people - the closest cousins, for example, or leave out mom and dad’s work pals, and include the guest option. It’s just considerate. Every wedding, no matter the size, involves paring the list. If I get an invite, I have to send or bring a gift. I wouldn’t want to stand outside in 45 degree weather, shivering, no heaters or blankets, without my husband, and then have to write a check to pay for that honor. It just doesn’t sound like good planning to me but hey - to each her own! I couldn't disagree more. Just no. You don't have to entertain someone else's random date at your wedding, instead of your own family and friends. And as others have said, you're under no obligation to send a gift, and you're under no obligation to attend. And when was the last time you were invited to a wedding without your husband, anyway?
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Post by compeateropeator on Mar 21, 2018 18:59:52 GMT
(I think the whole not wanting to go somewhere alone argument is ridiculous for ANY event. I can’t stand people who won’t do things by themselves. You’re an adult. If you’re not a conjoined twin, you should be able to go anywhere alone.) My vote is bringing a plus one that is not invited is rude. I go many places by myself and have no problem doing so. I have also gone to many wedding by myself by choice. I do, however, think that it is just as rude to not allow someone to bring a guest to an event that is mostly a couples event. Especially if the majority of the event will be dancing and sitting at an assigned table. IMO if your reception is mostly dancing you are telling that single person that you really don’t care if they have a good time. I might even go as a far to say, in some cases, that you just want the present and don’t care about your guest. The pendulum swings both ways.
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Post by 505scrapper on Mar 21, 2018 19:23:29 GMT
I am getting more confused as I read the responses. Why do people not want to go places alone? I know several people who met their spouse at a friend's wedding. I also know about the random 'plus ones' appearing in family wedding pictures too... The alone thing is truly, truly bizarre to me. I would love an explanation. For me, I am extremely shy until I get to know someone. Going to some social functions by myself is not something I do unless I know that there will be people there that I know and that I'm comfortable with. I do lots of things alone. I've attended scrapbook crops by myself, I'll go eat at a restaurant by myself (usually only during lunch though), I'll attend sporting events alone, etc., but going to a wedding by myself would all depend on who the other invited guests are. If it's family, no problem. If it's a friend, it depends on what other friends are going. I went to a wedding of a close friend of mine once and it was awkward and lonely for me. Yes, I knew most of her friends and family, but I knew them from other events such as birthday parties, etc. These weren't people that I was particularly close to. I generally don't initiate conversations with people I'm not familiar with, just my nature. I will talk to people who talk to me, but those conversations don't usually last very long and I don't like to feel like a third wheel around people I don't really know. So if I was invited to a wedding for someone and I knew there wouldn't be other people I could talk to, I probably wouldn't go. I wouldn't presume that I could bring a guest either.
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Post by peasapie on Mar 21, 2018 19:25:42 GMT
My opinion is you invite fewer people - the closest cousins, for example, or leave out mom and dad’s work pals, and include the guest option. It’s just considerate. Every wedding, no matter the size, involves paring the list. If I get an invite, I have to send or bring a gift. I wouldn’t want to stand outside in 45 degree weather, shivering, no heaters or blankets, without my husband, and then have to write a check to pay for that honor. It just doesn’t sound like good planning to me but hey - to each her own! I couldn't disagree more. Just no. You don't have to entertain someone else's random date at your wedding, instead of your own family and friends. And as others have said, you're under no obligation to send a gift, and you're under no obligation to attend. And when was the last time you were invited to a wedding without your husband, anyway? Who said anybody has to do anything? You run your hypothetical wedding your way and I’ll run mine my way. You’re getting awfully righteous about a pretend wedding! I just want to know — will I be invited to your wedding with my husband or not? Because if not, there had better be monogrammed blankets.
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Post by Lindarina on Mar 21, 2018 19:40:10 GMT
And no, it’s not the end of the world to go by yourself to a wedding but why would you want to? To see a friend or family member marry the person they love? To spend a day with friends? To experience a happy occasion? I’m introverted, but I too find it strange that so many of you have trouble going alone to a wedding. What’s the big deal?
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rickmer
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Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Mar 21, 2018 20:11:10 GMT
i had a very small venue for my wedding. i wanted to include some friends i had made just in recent years... i invited the 3 of them as singles as they were all friends and would be seated together. i spoke to them about it prior and were just happy to be included. we were close but didn't have a long history together. still very dear friends who i am close to.
meanwhile, DH met up with an old high school friend he hadn't seen in 15 years just before the wedding at ikea and him AND his wife scored an invite. they haven't spoken since! lol!
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Post by shevy on Mar 22, 2018 18:02:47 GMT
And no, it’s not the end of the world to go by yourself to a wedding but why would you want to? To see a friend or family member marry the person they love? To spend a day with friends? To experience a happy occasion? I’m introverted, but I too find it strange that so many of you have trouble going alone to a wedding. What’s the big deal? The big deal is that (for me and likely some others) it's anxiety. From the time you get the invitation to the time of the wedding your mind spirals forward to that date to find ways to cope at the wedding. Who will you sit by if there is not assigned seating? Who will you talk to at cocktail hour? Where will you sit at the wedding if you know them both? Who will you dance with? Will anyone ask you to dance or will you sit at a table all night? If everyone else is dancing, will you be looked at as the lonely one? Will your friend's mom remember you? Will your friend's dad try to take pity on you and ask you to dance? Who will you eat next to? If it's a buffet, will you drop something on the way back to the table? Who will save your seat when you go to the restroom? Will others ask you who you know there? Will anyone notice if you leave early? How long do you need to stay? What if her husband to be doesn't remember you? Will you be red because you feel awkward the whole time?
This narrative runs in your head all...the...time...along with whatever your mind is doing. It won't stop.
Then after the wedding, your mind will run through scenarios of how you could have dome each little thing better for "next time".
It's exhausting. Mentally and physically. While at the wedding you feel like you're physically "on" all the time, meaning all muscles are tense, all ready in case something happens.
I take preventative meds and situational meds and even Christmas with my parents, sister, BIL, teen niece and pre-teen nephew for 6 hours wears me out. I'm "on" all the time and I come home exhausted. Someone above mentioned that I am married and should never have to be invited anywhere without him. But even at a casual family gathering where I'm as comfortable as I can be, I still go through all this. I went to the majority of the weddings for friends and family before I was married and had been diagnosed with anxiety. It was horrible and I could never figure out why. Even with my husband now, it's exhausting.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Mar 22, 2018 18:54:38 GMT
My son has been to a few weddings in the last 2 years where he was invited without a guest, as was his girlfriend. They went by themselves and had a good time.
My dd got married in 2016 and they did not put "and guest" for anyone they invited that they know does not have a steady gf or bf. Anyone engaged or long time partner was a plus one.
The main reason for that was to try and keep numbers down because it was $140 pp. I totally get it.
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Post by Alexxussss on Mar 23, 2018 0:52:40 GMT
I think this also might be regional, as with many wedding traditions. I live in the NYC area and have never heard of a wedding invite that did not include a plus one. Likewise, open bar is standard at every wedding here, yet when I traveled to a friend’s wedding in NH, she said it was unusual ( circa 1996).
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scrappinmama
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Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Mar 23, 2018 1:50:22 GMT
If plus one isn't indicated on the invitation, then I would assume only 1 person could attend. We learned the hard way that people don't follow the whole wedding invitation etiquette for weddings. For our wedding, we indicated who was invited, only to get the RSVP back with 10 in the party, when we invited 2 people. We had to call multiple families to ask who these random people were, only to be told "oh they're my neighbors." Why would their neighbors want to go to a wedding for someone they don't know? People are weird.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Mar 23, 2018 11:06:15 GMT
The way it's addressed should indicate who is invited. "and guest" feel free to bring a plus one. If there is no "and family" or the xxx family, then no your kids aren't invited.
I was always taught it was in the wording.
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Post by caspad on Mar 23, 2018 15:14:02 GMT
I went solo to so many weddings in my 20s. Why would you bring a random date to a wedding who won't know anyone and will need to be attended to all night when you want to dance with your friends or talk for a while with a family member you haven't seen in ages?
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