|
Post by gailoh on Jul 5, 2018 10:56:52 GMT
I am literally the only person in the entire United States besides my kids. He doesn't have friends who would come to the hospital. His coworkers would come and see him, but that's about it. If we were in my city (2.5 hours away), I have friends who'd spell me and my sister said she'd come down if I need her, but right now I think if I sleep tonight, I'll feel better and more ready to handle things. Thank you for sharing your stories. They help me more than you can know! Just a thought and I really do not know how this would work but is there anyone or you that can get Power of Attorney to get the paper work and bills he will have ongoing to help him? With no one around or it sounds like no other wife in the picture, someone needs to step in on his behalf...
|
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,509
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
|
Post by ellen on Jul 5, 2018 13:00:37 GMT
My mom had a fairly significant stroke when she was in her late 40s. She was kind of a mess the first couple of days, but I think that's normal. She had experienced brain trauma and needed some time to heal. She went on to live a very normal life for over 20 years afterward.
I hope he has a good recovery and that you are feeling better today. It's really scary at first.
|
|
|
Post by salem on Jul 5, 2018 13:36:50 GMT
The swelling from trauma and surgery is likely causing his confusion this morning. It will take some time to go down. I wish him the best. My Dad had a stroke several years ago. It can be a long road back to his new “normal”.
|
|
|
Post by gailoh on Jul 5, 2018 21:03:16 GMT
btt...
|
|
renny
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Jul 10, 2014 4:34:45 GMT
|
Post by renny on Jul 6, 2018 6:41:58 GMT
Hi. I am so sorry this is happening to your family. Please do try to find some time away from the hospital. My husband had a massive stroke when he was 42. Eight years ago. Some days it seems like yesterday. He was pretty healthy. Not overweight, a non-smoker, didn't drink. He was in a pretty stressful job and had slightly high blood pressure. He had a bleed first and went into the hospital. They didn't find the source while he was there. I will always wish we had gone to another hospital for evaluation because 12 days later he had an aneurysm. During the surgery for that, his carotid artery burst. We were in the hospital (mostly ICU) for two months and then rehab for another six weeks. Initially, he had no mobility on his left side at all. He could not speak. Little by little he showed improvement. However, it was often two steps forward, three steps back. Remember that. The baby steps gave us hope. Before he could speak, he could write. Those little-handwritten words let us know he understood us. He responded well to music and photos. I made a big photo board for his hospital room. It was nervewracking and upsetting seeing him so helpless. He was such a strong man. The droop to the left was always hard to see. By all accounts, it did not look like he would recover well at all. When he left the rehab center, he was walking! Physically he made an amazing recovery.
I won't say he came home and all was well. It took a while. He has amazing mobility. But did lose the ability to drive. He lost the left peripheral vision in each eye. That has never returned. He has short-term memory loss, but does well with notes and reminders. His speech is pretty good. What I notice the most is the lack of understanding repercussions. He doesn't always think things through. And he cannot do math - he wants to be independent (like paying for a meal. You have to watch that he is giving a ten dollar bill and not a hundred. And if he leaves a tip on his debit card, you have to make sure the addition is correct. He knows his limitations for the most part. He doesn't use the stove - but can use the riding lawn mower - however, he is prone to getting it stuck. He is considered fully disabled due to his cognitive function. All that said, he does amazingly well. He gets frustrated about not being able to have a real job.
At the time of the stroke, we had one child in college, one a senior in high school, and the other was turning fourteen. One thing I wish we had done was all gone to therapy. It took me a long time to come to grips with the fact that my husband was not the same. I think therapy would have helped. Especially for my youngest. He had the hardest time dealing with his Dad not being the Dad he knew.
Your ex-husband is very lucky to have you. Try to rest and just know that the changes may be hard for your children - especially if they are close to him. My husband's stroke changed the course of our lives. Things are good now. I send my sincerest wishes for a full recovery. I will keep you all in my thoughts. <3
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jul 7, 2018 1:31:46 GMT
How is your ex-husband today>?? Prayers
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Jul 7, 2018 12:23:41 GMT
How is your ex-husband today>?? Prayers I feel the most hopeless in the morning. I came back home (2.5 hours away) last night and barely slept. Every dream I have is of him completely normal and hugging and hugging me, which I hate. I think I realize I'm feeling trapped. He has almost ZERO comprehension. He speaks pretty well and no paralysis, but I could be speaking a foreign language to him and he doesn't care. I can say banana 4 times and all I get is an angry "WHAT?" after the 4th time. He talks incessantly and says the same things over and over and over and OVER again. I listened to him for three hours nonstop the other day. My ex seems at once hopeful and at other times he tells me to kill him. At least six times a day. I'm headed back up today with my son so we can pick up his car and pack up his place. It is super doubtful he'll go to rehab because he has to have two things wrong with him to do that and he does not, so he'll come home with me on Monday or Tuesday. While I feel sick for me, I feel a million times more sick for him. renny I completely understand how you feel. I'm glad things got better, but it's still concerning. The first day post stroke he couldn't talk at all, but by the second day he was talking well. He is picking up on cues for understanding things, but I'm not sure if he understands one word. He was able to read some letters. Like he recognized our kids' names and knew who they were. He remembered his phone password, but now he's calling people. He doesn't understand ANYTHING they are saying. But the phone gives him great comfort. If he'd let it out of his hand once I'd figure out how to turn off calling, but he gets extremely agitated and angry when I try to take it. I think he thinks it is his lifeline. He is not sleeping. I could live with someone incapacitated if they understood me, but he does not. He had some very difficult (not drug/alcohol) addictions and I refuse to have them in the house. But how to make that clear to him? And then what to do if he does it? He has nowhere to go. I did get the POA yesterday and that was a great relief. Ex was able to say at the exact right time that he wanted me to have all his money. I could have cried when he said that because it makes things easier so I can take care of things for him. I will tell you it is NOT easy to get the POA. We had to have 2 doctors agree, and even then, the 15th lawyer I called was hesitant. Just when ex had to sign the POA, he remembered how to sign his name, so that was really great. I have to leave to go back up shortly. Thank you for all your support.
|
|
|
Post by auntkelly on Jul 7, 2018 15:33:33 GMT
I’m so sorry you are going through this rough time. I hope your ex recovers. I really can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.
|
|
|
Post by mustlovecats on Jul 7, 2018 15:41:33 GMT
How is your ex-husband today>?? Prayers It is super doubtful he'll go to rehab because he has to have two things wrong with him to do that and he does not, so he'll come home with me on Monday or Tuesday. He should qualify for skilled care with his recent hospitalization. The agitation and confusion should be enough to make that happen. That is, if you think he would be better off in care than with you. That’s a lot to ask of you.
|
|
|
Post by mom on Jul 7, 2018 15:52:15 GMT
How is your ex-husband today>?? Prayers I feel the most hopeless in the morning. I came back home (2.5 hours away) last night and barely slept. Every dream I have is of him completely normal and hugging and hugging me, which I hate. I think I realize I'm feeling trapped. He has almost ZERO comprehension. He speaks pretty well and no paralysis, but I could be speaking a foreign language to him and he doesn't care. I can say banana 4 times and all I get is an angry "WHAT?" after the 4th time. He talks incessantly and says the same things over and over and over and OVER again. I listened to him for three hours nonstop the other day. My ex seems at once hopeful and at other times he tells me to kill him. At least six times a day. I'm headed back up today with my son so we can pick up his car and pack up his place. It is super doubtful he'll go to rehab because he has to have two things wrong with him to do that and he does not, so he'll come home with me on Monday or Tuesday. While I feel sick for me, I feel a million times more sick for him. renny I completely understand how you feel. I'm glad things got better, but it's still concerning. The first day post stroke he couldn't talk at all, but by the second day he was talking well. He is picking up on cues for understanding things, but I'm not sure if he understands one word. He was able to read some letters. Like he recognized our kids' names and knew who they were. He remembered his phone password, but now he's calling people. He doesn't understand ANYTHING they are saying. But the phone gives him great comfort. If he'd let it out of his hand once I'd figure out how to turn off calling, but he gets extremely agitated and angry when I try to take it. I think he thinks it is his lifeline. He is not sleeping. I could live with someone incapacitated if they understood me, but he does not. He had some very difficult (not drug/alcohol) addictions and I refuse to have them in the house. But how to make that clear to him? And then what to do if he does it? He has nowhere to go. I did get the POA yesterday and that was a great relief. Ex was able to say at the exact right time that he wanted me to have all his money. I could have cried when he said that because it makes things easier so I can take care of things for him. I will tell you it is NOT easy to get the POA. We had to have 2 doctors agree, and even then, the 15th lawyer I called was hesitant. Just when ex had to sign the POA, he remembered how to sign his name, so that was really great. I have to leave to go back up shortly. Thank you for all your support. I really think you need to be talking with his doctors about what needs to happen next. You say he has zero comprehension- yet two different doctors have signed off for him to be mental competent to sign a POA. So he must have some competency and understanding. Ask the doctors what’s in his best interest. Just because he has no one else does not mean it’s its anyone’s best interest for him to move in with you. You have to protect yourself, first. Even if that means he has to go to an assisted living or rehab for awhile. Lay everything out on the table - his addictions, your history with him. The reality is that this is not your fault or responsibility. No one expects you to give up your life to nurse him.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 8:56:19 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 16:31:55 GMT
Praying for you. This sounds like it's going to be a really hard thing to do. Are you sure you want to do this?
|
|
|
Post by idahopea on Jul 7, 2018 20:01:53 GMT
Please ask for a speech/language evaluation. It may be in his best interest to go to rehab for a while for physical, emotional, and speech/language interactions with others.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 8:56:19 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 20:16:58 GMT
If you take him home, hire a home care person to come in at least 2x a week.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jul 7, 2018 20:19:37 GMT
I'm headed back up today with my son so we can pick up his car and pack up his place. It is super doubtful he'll go to rehab because he has to have two things wrong with him to do that and he does not, so he'll come home with me on Monday or Tuesday. Please push for him to go to rehab. He needs expert help with all the issues he is having--YOU CANNOT do this ALONE. PLEASE.. make sure he gets to a good rehab.
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 7, 2018 20:51:52 GMT
I'm just speculating here, as I don't know all the specifics here. BUT is he up and walking around fine? not using an assistive device? has full use of his hands? The main problem is his speech? We have no idea if he is confused or not, as he can not communicate this. IF he is up and functional, and his main problem is his speech, more then likely she is right and an Acute rehab unit would not take him. As he would need 2/3 therapies. Mainly he needs Speech. BUT you could make a claim for need for OT. Can he dress and eat? Does he have any other medical problems going on? BP? breathing? etc. I'm pretty positive that he would have seen PT/OT/SP in the hospital. That is protocol for a CVA.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 8:56:19 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 23:29:22 GMT
Hugs to you, Really Red. It's perfectly normal to care about your ex-husband. My ex had a heart attack only a few months after we lived apart. I went to see him a few times in the hospital (we were JUST divorced). I hope that your ex will recover fully and be okay.
|
|
renny
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Jul 10, 2014 4:34:45 GMT
|
Post by renny on Jul 8, 2018 3:03:51 GMT
Really Red I get the cell phone thing. As soon as my husband was able, it became his lifeline. He didn't call but texted and it was often gibberish. Sometimes it still is. He still keeps it with him at all times. While my dh doesn't have quite the communication fallout your ex is showing, he does still have subtle things that shows he doesn't think things through. It happens all the time. He often feels insecure. Gets scared of getting lost in crowds, etc. You are taking on so much with him coming home with you. Please, please make sure you have help. You have to have a support system. Who will stay with him when you go to work? You have to protect yourself, your home, and him. And you will need time for yourself. I still struggle with that. My husband had a lot of physical and mental limitations when he came home. They weren't easy. I couldn't have done it without his parents. Look into (or have a lawyer do it) getting disability for him. Just please get some help. <3
|
|
|
Post by scrappintoee on Jul 8, 2018 3:29:02 GMT
Wow, you must be completely overwhelmed! I'm sending up prayers for you, him, and your kids. It's shocking that they can't get him into rehab; I pray that they will at least provide him with a home-care aide and/or nurse. Many ((( hugs ))))
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Jul 8, 2018 11:07:00 GMT
Really Red I get the cell phone thing. As soon as my husband was able, it became his lifeline. He didn't call but texted and it was often gibberish. Sometimes it still is. He still keeps it with him at all times. While my dh doesn't have quite the communication fallout your ex is showing, he does still have subtle things that shows he doesn't think things through. It happens all the time. He often feels insecure. Gets scared of getting lost in crowds, etc. You are taking on so much with him coming home with you. Please, please make sure you have help. You have to have a support system. Who will stay with him when you go to work? You have to protect yourself, your home, and him. And you will need time for yourself. I still struggle with that. My husband had a lot of physical and mental limitations when he came home. They weren't easy. I couldn't have done it without his parents. Look into (or have a lawyer do it) getting disability for him. Just please get some help. <3 Wow, renny I don't know anything!! I do not have any help at all. This has been a bad time for the hospital because it was a holiday week and a lot of people were off and now it's the weekend. I had a new caseworker on Friday who was really good. The first one did not help with one thing. I will ask her what's to do when we go home. My 17yo is home with me until he leaves for college in August. Physically, it does not appear as though ex has any limitations. He's off the heparin drip so he moves freely around. He was in excellent physical shape prior to the stroke (it appears this was a congenital defect due to him not taking heart meds). For the next 6 mos he has short-term disability at work. That is my lifeline because I will have 3 kids in college starting next month. I'm trying to break things down. I'm writing lists of doctors to call, bills to pay, etc. I have business trips to take and a super fun pleasure trip at the end of September. There is literally no one to help outside my kids and me. Both girls go to school far away and my son will be the closest at 2 hours away. I am not asking him to come home and take care of his dad during his first year at school. cindyupnorth he appears to have no other problems. He really looks like his old self most of the time except when he thinks nothing will get better. mom He is super competent. He doesn't understand questions or words, but he tells us lots of things that make it clear he knows what's going on. Last night he said "It's 8 o'clock. It's time for you to care." Care is his word for everything he doesn't know. So sometimes that actually appears to make sense when he's talking, unfortunately. He tells us a ton of stuff, but he doesn't understand what happened, only that he can't remember too many things. I'm off to the hospital now so I can see the doctors.
|
|
|
Post by KelleeM on Jul 8, 2018 12:42:33 GMT
Really Red my thought and prayers are with you, your ex, and your kids. You’re a good person and obviously are willing to do what you can for your ex. As others have said, please take care of yourself as well.
|
|
|
Post by gryroagain on Jul 8, 2018 13:05:22 GMT
I so sorry Really Red. My Dad had a stroke 8 years ago and it’s been a tough road. He recovered physically quickly, but he has severe personality changes and it’s really effected my family. My mom especially, but all of us.
It’s compounded by the fact he appears fine to his drs, who will not listen to my mom or sister about his issues. Dad refuses to address any changes, and is often combative and very mean (not my dad, at all, ever, pre stroke). He won’t take prescribed anti depressants, as he’s gotten quite odd religiously.
It’s quite frankly destroying my family. Please, please note every change and MAKEthe drs address it, now, when it’s still recent. My dad did a few weeks of speech therapy but insisted he did not need it, and won’t go back. We thought that things would improve, and did not really accept that the personality changes were even there, for a good year. And now the drs just see physical signs (he is fine physically) and shrug off everything else.
Stroke recovery can be so much more complicated than being able to walk or talk clearly. I wish we had known or been prepared...the drs only just ever focused on the physical.
Again, I’m so sorry.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jul 8, 2018 13:13:30 GMT
I'm off to the hospital now so I can see the doctors. Please get some help at home with him. You cannot do this alone. See if he qualifies for an in home health aid. He is going to need some rehab. Again..YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE~
|
|
moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,179
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
|
Post by moodyblue on Jul 8, 2018 13:56:22 GMT
I so sorry Really Red. My Dad had a stroke 8 years ago and it’s been a tough road. He recovered physically quickly, but he has severe personality changes and it’s really effected my family. My mom especially, but all of us. It’s compounded by the fact he appears fine to his drs, who will not listen to my mom or sister about his issues. Dad refuses to address any changes, and is often combative and very mean (not my dad, at all, ever, pre stroke). He won’t take prescribed anti depressants, as he’s gotten quite odd religiously. It’s quite frankly destroying my family. Please, please note every change and MAKEthe drs address it, now, when it’s still recent. My dad did a few weeks of speech therapy but insisted he did not need it, and won’t go back. We thought that things would improve, and did not really accept that the personality changes were even there, for a good year. And now the drs just see physical signs (he is fine physically) and shrug off everything else. Stroke recovery can be so much more complicated than being able to walk or talk clearly. I wish we had known or been prepared...the drs only just ever focused on the physical. Again, I’m so sorry. Can you video your dad, so that you can show his doctors what they can't see when he's in the office?
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Jul 8, 2018 16:46:31 GMT
gryroagain I am so sorry. That is the worst. Your poor mama, too. Does she live alone with him? I can see why it's so hard. So far it doesn't seem like my ex has changed much. He is easy-going and is still easy-going. He was secretive about stuff and still is. I do think the doctors believe he understands them because he is so clever at asking the right questions, but I can clearly see he does not understand. christine58 I am taking this steps at a time. Clearly he has to come home with me, but if it turns out to be a long-term thing, I will not be able to do that. I hope I will not be able to do that. If he goes back to his old ways, I KNOW I will not tolerate it. But now it is literally me or a nursing home. Thank you for the idea of home health care. The people here said it was on me to hire someone if I wanted to, and said insurance doesn't cover that. You think insurance would appreciate that I am taking this on, but they do not!
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 8, 2018 16:49:54 GMT
Really red, ask for a cognitive test. OT can do it. Either a SLUMS or something else. This will help with getting help and showing the Dr's his cognition. Did he have an OT and Speech evals?
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,709
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on Jul 8, 2018 18:53:20 GMT
gryroagain I am so sorry. That is the worst. Your poor mama, too. Does she live alone with him? I can see why it's so hard. So far it doesn't seem like my ex has changed much. He is easy-going and is still easy-going. He was secretive about stuff and still is. I do think the doctors believe he understands them because he is so clever at asking the right questions, but I can clearly see he does not understand. christine58 I am taking this steps at a time. Clearly he has to come home with me, but if it turns out to be a long-term thing, I will not be able to do that. I hope I will not be able to do that. If he goes back to his old ways, I KNOW I will not tolerate it. But now it is literally me or a nursing home. Thank you for the idea of home health care. The people here said it was on me to hire someone if I wanted to, and said insurance doesn't cover that. You think insurance would appreciate that I am taking this on, but they do not! Chose a nursing home. For your own sanity. Refuse to take him home. Insist on a rehab facility. What would happen if he didn't have you? Your son is a minor and unable to house & care for his father. It isn't just up to you. Medicare or something similar should look after him. I live in Canada, so I don't know what systems you have where you live. Would the hospital just dump him outside their doors if you didn't show up to pick him up. Talk to a social worker at the hospital or where-ever. There should be a person that can help in this situation. You did get a divorce for a reason. Perhaps a family member from outside the USA can fly over to either look after him at his place or take him back home with them.
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 8, 2018 20:09:02 GMT
This is not a nursing home situation. She has said he is functional. It's his speech, comprehension,and possibly cognition. It is more of an assisted living situation if anything. It's really too soon for everything though. He may well fully recovery. Does he have family out of the country? Could he return there?
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 8, 2018 20:19:07 GMT
My advice is to keep meticulous records for every single financial decision you make. I understand that you feel there is no other option, but the idea of an ex-wife obtaining POA while there is some cognitive issues just seems like a recipe for disaster. I have no idea what your relationship with the ex was before, but think long and hard about any decision that is the least bit controversial and could be questioned at a later date.
|
|
|
Post by peanutterbutter on Jul 8, 2018 20:32:28 GMT
It is really awesome of you to take this on for your exes sake and your children's sake. Be aware though if you determine after period of time there's not going to be significant improvement or that you're not able to sustain this level of caretaking that he may have a challenging time getting into a facility. Before you actually take him home with you, think about exit strategies, since you already say that you don't intend for this to be a long-term situation. It is going to be a lot harder to get him out once he's established in your home. Is he able to be left alone during the day while you work? Is he going to be able to take medications himself during the day if he needs to? Will he be able to get a meal for himself if he needs to? Is he safe around the stove and the microwave? If you are able to get some in-home help or therapies for him, will he actually recognize the need to let them in and work with them?
As far as the finances, keep meticulous records of everything you do.
Caretaking is exhausting and you no doubt will have a lot of emotional responses because he is your ex. Please be sure to take care of yourself in all of this, you don't need to become ill yourself.
|
|
renny
Junior Member
Posts: 70
Jul 10, 2014 4:34:45 GMT
|
Post by renny on Jul 8, 2018 21:44:10 GMT
Stroke recovery can be so much more complicated than being able to walk or talk clearly. I wish we had known or been prepared...the drs only just ever focused on the physical. ^^ That^^ It is so much more. The brain is a strange thing. And like you said, Really Red sometimes they appear quite normal. My dh cannot add well enough to add a tip to a $10 bill, or tell you what he did last week (Or even remember what day it is) but he has amazing directional skills. Weird. (He was also great at math before.) He always had a great sense of humor before his stroke.... afterward it was magnified like 20 times. Everyone thought it was wonderful that he still had his sense of humor. I did not, because to me it wasn't right. He's always been really sweet but now he's clingy and sappy. Some days he seems almost normal. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the old DH. I do. And our old life - every single day. Hope you can find help to watch him as you go back to work and take your vacation. I agree with you about not having your son do it. It was very hard for my children to see the changes in their dad. thinking of you....
|
|