schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,030
Jun 28, 2014 0:26:58 GMT
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Post by schizo319 on Jul 11, 2018 13:17:53 GMT
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. It must be so difficult.
I think my response to "you're so good" would be: "Thanks. That's kind of you to say, but I would hope anyone in my shoes would do whatever was necessary to make sure their kid's dad was well cared for."
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Post by brenda89 on Jul 11, 2018 14:42:35 GMT
Sending you virtual (((hugs)))!!!!
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Jul 11, 2018 14:51:20 GMT
(((Hugs))) What you are doing is a very good thing. How you are feeling may or may not be good (it would be difficult for anyone, and is moreso b/c he's an exDH). But isn't the point that you are doing a good thing even though it's so difficult? It's one of those times where you have to do the right thing even though you don't really want to. But you know it's the right thing to do, so you do it. And that's a good thing!
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jul 11, 2018 15:16:03 GMT
Sweetheart, take my word for it - what you are doing is good. Much better than I would probably be able to manage. Take the compliments; you deserve them.
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Post by annie on Jul 11, 2018 15:23:11 GMT
I feel for you! What a tough spot to be in! I totally get what you are saying. (((hugs)))
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Jul 11, 2018 22:40:21 GMT
I hope for your sake you are able to come up with a long term solution that does not involve you becoming his primary caregiver. Recovery can take months as I'm sure you're aware. Have you thought about how long you'll be willing to help? I can't imagine being in your shoes and I am tempted to tell you how good you are but I won't!
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Post by Really Red on Jul 12, 2018 0:55:18 GMT
Man you guys are great. It's 8:30 and I am worn out. He "escaped" twice. He went for a walk once and my son found him. He doesn't understand why he can't, but he agreed. Then he disappeared again and I was frantic. Turns out he likes the basement because it's cool and quiet. He calls my girls a bit, and clearly understands that one is in Europe and is 6 hours ahead and one works all day long.
Today we worked on his speech a bit. I downloaded an app and he was good about doing it, even though he didn't understand why. He knows the answers, but again, doesn't quite understand why he knows. I see the improvement. I was determined to have him understand a word today and my word was DOG. He did it!!! He can say dog when he see the dogs and when I say where are the dogs? he says "I don't know what you mean, but there they are."
I have calls in to SO many people. SO SO many. (OMG - just asked if he wanted to take a shower and he said yes AND he understood!!! This is such a relief!!!!!) I also am cranky to people. I mean don't tell me one business day and 2.5 business days later you haven't contacted me. Also, don't freeze 13 lbs of hamburger in one giant hamburger, stupid child of mine (who has been told more than once never to do this!). I mean seriously, do not cross me this week! I told the high school counselor that the school was sloppy about an error they made and it was inexcusable. I was right, but honestly, I would have never done this before and I didn't even care when I sent the note. It's a little freeing! But a teeny bit of me still feels bad. Not enough, though.
Here is the biggest thing though and stuff that all of you excel at: sympathy. THANK YOU for these words. I don't know you, but your words bring me peace, comfort and relief. It is amazing how reading your words makes me feel stronger. People want to bring me dinner, etc., but when I get texts that say they are thinking of me, it means the most. I keep thinking about when others have gone through crap and I always send a note, but then step back because I don't want to intrude. That was wrong. I love getting a little text or note saying people are thinking of me. It keeps me strong. So thank you for helping me on this road.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 12, 2018 1:01:20 GMT
Weird question:
Will a hospital discharge a mentally compromised patient to an ex-spouse?
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Post by christine58 on Jul 12, 2018 1:16:17 GMT
Here is the biggest thing though and stuff that all of you excel at: sympathy. THANK YOU for these words. I don't know you, but your words bring me peace, comfort and relief. It is amazing how reading your words makes me feel stronger. People want to bring me dinner, etc., but when I get texts that say they are thinking of me, it means the most. I keep thinking about when others have gone through crap and I always send a note, but then step back because I don't want to intrude. That was wrong. I love getting a little text or note saying people are thinking of me. It keeps me strong. So thank you for helping me on this road. Just know we all get it...and wish we could fix this for you. I hope hope hope that this is short term. I always tell people--don't say "call me if you need anything" instead say "I'll be right there to mow your lawn, cook you dinner, etc".
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 12, 2018 1:18:52 GMT
Man you guys are great. It's 8:30 and I am worn out. He "escaped" twice. Hence, Why I mentioned prev about getting different locks on your doors. Or making sure he has some sort of ID on him. Did you ever tell me what the OT cognitive test was? and scoring?
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Post by peanutterbutter on Jul 12, 2018 1:22:48 GMT
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 9, 2024 14:25:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2018 1:55:39 GMT
I would think that a health care manager might be able to help. How about his private primary care doctor? Is there a senior center around that may have "day care" that you could use? You are going to need a break. OT if available, is a great start. Good luck! and yes, I think you are doing a "good thing." I hope you don't get burned out though. That can happen fast if you don't have some sort of help.
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Post by julieinmd on Jul 12, 2018 2:00:38 GMT
I can't imagine giving the kind of supervision and care you are providing to an ex husband. My husband had a serious stroke which left him hospitalized for almost three weeks. It was pretty terrifying, but the time he spent in the hospital was the easy part. When he came home he was confused, forgot things. didn't communicate well, and it was extremely hard. I love him very much, but it was still incredibly hard. I worried all the time.
The stroke impaired him very little physically, but his mental state terrified me. He also couldn't read. He would look at words and think he was reading, but what he "read" had no relation to the words on the page. He became furious because the "Home Depot" wasn't working. He was actually talking about the television remote control. He would punch buttons randomly and get mad when the show that he wanted to watch wouldn't come on. He watched the same movie over and over and when I said to him I'd had enough and we should watch something else, he said, "Well, sooner or later the other guys are going to win." Nope. No matter how many times he watched the same movie, the ending was never going to change, but he was absolutely sure it would. He was prescribed quite a lot of medications that he was required to take both a.m and p.m. but he yelled at me to get out of his business when I tried to help him organize them. I bought him a pill organizer and he threw it in the trash. I had to contact his doctor and beg him to insist that he require my husband to use a pill organizer and organize his daily medication. My husband thought he was perfectly fine to resume all the things he had been doing before the stroke as soon as he got home. This caused a lot of problems with his job, driving, and with him trying to do things that scared me half to death. He went to speech therapy for about two sessions and quit because he said they therapist was a "dipsy doodle".
I am telling you about all these things because he has made a remarkable recovery. He is about 95% back to his former self, so I think it is okay to be optimistic about your ex husband's recovery. It may not happen, but with my husband, who sounds quite similar in his post stroke behavior to your ex husband, it just took time. Probably with your ex husband it will take time as well, but I am hopeful that he will have a recovery to the same extent that my husband did.
I understand your frustration with people who say they couldn't do it, or they don't know how you do it. I don't know why people say such things unless they just simply don't know what to say. I would always tell people who said stuff like that to me, "you'd be surprised what you can do when you have to do it." I also would tell them I do it day by day, for it is a journey.
I think one of the most helpful things anyone ever told me after the stroke was when a doctor sat down with me and explained that having a stroke is like driving down a road you drive on daily to get to many different destinations. One day you start driving and discover the old familiar road has been completely blocked and you will never be able to travel it again. You have to learn new routes to get where you're going and you can never travel the old route again. It takes time to learn the new routes which is hard, and sometimes you get lost. Well, that's what happened to the brain. It is used to traveling certain routes to get to information, and it can no longer travel those old routes; so the brain must find new routes to the information it is seeking. It is difficult, sometimes infuriating, and often exhausting for the stroke victim. The same is true for others close to them.
I send you many prayers, and hope too, because even though circumstances are different, I understand a lot of what you are going through. I admire your strength and compassion and hope your situation ends as mine did, with an almost complete recovery for your ex husband.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 12, 2018 2:01:05 GMT
Man you guys are great. It's 8:30 and I am worn out. He "escaped" twice. Hence, Why I mentioned prev about getting different locks on your doors. Or making sure he has some sort of ID on him. Did you ever tell me what the OT cognitive test was? and scoring? Sorry cindyupnorth This was an excellent suggestion and I did ask the OT about it and she had NO idea what I was talking about. I then asked the nurse and she had no clue either. Is this something Canadian?
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 12, 2018 2:01:49 GMT
Perhaps if you mention to his health insurance that he is a runner, they might find other options.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 12, 2018 2:07:47 GMT
Sorry cindyupnorth This was an excellent suggestion and I did ask the OT about it and she had NO idea what I was talking about. I then asked the nurse and she had no clue either. Is this something Canadian? No. I'm in USA? are you? what state are you in? I am sure they did a cognitive eval on him. You said so yourself. That you had asked before. Otherwise I can't see how they could have done a safe discharge. Is he getting OT and Speech services now? ask them both about a cognitive test called SLUMS. All OTs are very familiar with this standard test.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 12, 2018 2:08:50 GMT
I would think that a health care manager might be able to help. How about his private primary care doctor? Is there a senior center around that may have "day care" that you could use? You are going to need a break. OT if available, is a great start. Good luck! and yes, I think you are doing a "good thing." I hope you don't get burned out though. That can happen fast if you don't have some sort of help. He has NO doctors. Even the cardiologist who he used to have is loathe to take him on (I will pull strings here, if I have to) because he hasn't been back in years. He's pretty sharp. I do not think a senior center is a good choice for him. Everything is inside him. He just doesn't understand waht the outside people are saying. Also, cindyupnorth no locks would hold him. An alarm would and I am doing that. julieinmd Thank you for making me laugh. I'm sure your husband's stories weren't fun when they happened, but they are super funny now! I think my ex understands that if he pisses me off too much, he's out of here (so this actually probably would not happen, but it's good he stays on his toes), so when he fusses about the pills, I'm firm and he just grumbles. I also love that your DH made such a good recovery. Did he have understanding issues? That's what worries me most.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 12, 2018 2:11:55 GMT
Sorry cindyupnorth This was an excellent suggestion and I did ask the OT about it and she had NO idea what I was talking about. I then asked the nurse and she had no clue either. Is this something Canadian? No. I'm in USA? are you? what state are you in? I am sure they did a cognitive eval on him. You said so yourself. That you had asked before. Otherwise I can't see how they could have done a safe discharge. Is he getting OT and Speech services now? ask them both about a cognitive test called SLUMS. All OTs are very familiar with this standard test. I'm in Virginia. He doesn't need CT, that's all they told me. I still made the doctor give me a prescription (I loved this doctor) because I think he has some vision issues. He's just "young" and so much better off that most stroke patients and he was coming home to someone who spent 8 days in the hospital with him that I don't think it was a big worry. Therapy should start next week. I wanted the best and had to wait until then for her. I am doing daily therapy with them as recommended by several STs. I will ask about SLUMs, thank you!
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Post by scrappintoee on Jul 12, 2018 2:30:29 GMT
Many prayers for you!!! Heavenly Father, PLEASE let Red River get assistance with her exh; she cannot possibly do this alone! I am SO sorry to hear that the ONE nursing home that would take him was so awful; that is a subject very close to my heart because I've volunteered in nursing homes and SOME of them can be so terribly depressing, it breaks my heart to know that people have to be there. Ugh, are you getting ANY sleep? I hate to even ask this, but how will he do while you're at work and/or not at home doing your other everyday things? Also, if he won't take his meds, that's going to make things even worse. Has he thanked you at all, especially since he didn't have to go to the horrible nursing home? Many ((( hugs )))).
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Post by idahopea on Jul 12, 2018 2:35:27 GMT
I think one of the most helpful things anyone ever told me after the stroke was when a doctor sat down with me and explained that having a stroke is like driving down a road you drive on daily to get to many different destinations. One day you start driving and discover the old familiar road has been completely blocked and you will never be able to travel it again. You have to learn new routes to get where you're going and you can never travel the old route again. It takes time to learn the new routes which is hard, and sometimes you get lost. Well, that's what happened to the brain. It is used to traveling certain routes to get to information, and it can no longer travel those old routes; so the brain must find new routes to the information it is seeking. It is difficult, sometimes infuriating, and often exhausting for the stroke victim. The same is true for others close to them. This is a great analogy!
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Post by hop2 on Jul 12, 2018 11:05:32 GMT
Weird question: Will a hospital discharge a mentally compromised patient to an ex-spouse? apparently yes And I can see that might go bad in some cases. I know a few people who would have sought out the worst place to leave their Ex.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 12, 2018 11:08:59 GMT
Really Red would his insurance pay for a home aide??? You are going to need a break OR he's going to have to live somewhere else. I still wonder what the hospital would have done if there had been no one to care for him.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 12, 2018 11:13:01 GMT
And yes Really Red you are good. I’m not sure what I’d do in a similar situation. I’m still Raw right now so I can’t imagine taking him with me. And yet I wouldn’t put him in a hell hole or dump him on my college kids either. How much time off can you take? I couldn’t because I don’t think Ex’s are covered under FMLA so I’d get written up at taking undcheduled leave to care for mine. I hope you can get him settled somewhere humane and get your life back. Hugs this has got to be tough, frustrating and tiring
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Post by Really Red on Jul 12, 2018 12:01:42 GMT
Weird question: Will a hospital discharge a mentally compromised patient to an ex-spouse? apparently yes And I can see that might go bad in some cases. I know a few people who would have sought out the worst place to leave their Ex. Hah. I think the hospital would discharge a patient to anyone who isn't overtly abusive. Insurance is the devil. However, just because my ex cannot understand doesn't mean he's mentally compromised. He knows exactly what he's doing. Really Red would his insurance pay for a home aide??? You are going to need a break OR he's going to have to live somewhere else. I still wonder what the hospital would have done if there had been no one to care for him. They will not. And yes Really Red you are good. I’m not sure what I’d do in a similar situation. I’m still Raw right now so I can’t imagine taking him with me. And yet I wouldn’t put him in a hell hole or dump him on my college kids either. How much time off can you take? I couldn’t because I don’t think Ex’s are covered under FMLA so I’d get written up at taking undcheduled leave to care for mine. I hope you can get him settled somewhere humane and get your life back. Hugs this has got to be tough, frustrating and tiring Actually, I do qualify for FMLA. I think you have to have a supportive company (I have no idea about this) and mine has been wonderful. But I can't afford to take off unpaid time, particularly now. Yesterday was not a great day and I hope today will be better. I'm sure we'll get into a routine, but it was not a great day. I guess julieinmd I have to figure out a new path as well.
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Post by auntkelly on Jul 12, 2018 12:08:20 GMT
I have no advice, but I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are in my prayers.
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Deleted
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May 9, 2024 14:25:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2018 12:38:54 GMT
Not sure if he would agree to it but some counties here in New York have what's called Project Lifesaver which is kind of a tracking device that people wear should they wander. Most commonly it comes in bracelet form and can be worn on the wrist or ankle in some cases. It's battery-operated and once per month, a police officer comes out to change the battery. The whole idea is to call 911 once you know the person is missing and then go out looking for them yourself. Like I said before though...he may be just aware enough to refuse.
Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 12, 2018 14:56:16 GMT
Really Red would his insurance pay for a home aide??? You are going to need a break OR he's going to have to live somewhere else. I still wonder what the hospital would have done if there had been no one to care for him. They will not. Can he afford to pay for one out of pocket?? I would hate for him to burn down your house or worse...
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ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,037
Location: Valley of the Sun
Jul 26, 2014 21:02:07 GMT
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Jul 13, 2018 4:24:56 GMT
Weird question: Will a hospital discharge a mentally compromised patient to an ex-spouse? This is health care in America. They’d probably discharge him with a cab voucher if he said he could get to a family member’s house. In many situations, when the insurance stops paying (or there is no insurance), the expectation is to get the person out of the hospital as soon as possible to an acceptable environment. When my grandmother had a stroke and had to go to a nursing home, they told my mom that my grandma had to be out that day and I think ended up giving her until the next morning to find a place. She had insurance but finding a nursing home should take more than a couple of hours. All that being said, you are a good person Really Red I’m sure there are other options for him but because those options were awful, he’s now staying with you because that’s the least of all of the crappy options. Hang in there and vent to us as needed! Remember to take time to yourself, even if that means a nice hot shower with fancy soaps and shampoos or a glass of wine or some other treat after everyone has gone to bed. Take care of you!
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 13, 2018 4:56:48 GMT
Weird question: Will a hospital discharge a mentally compromised patient to an ex-spouse? apparently yes And I can see that might go bad in some cases. I know a few people who would have sought out the worst place to leave their Ex. hop2 you qualify for sainthood now. I want to say the right thing here but lots of us Peas are single and is this a possibility for us who have no family close by?
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Post by christine58 on Jul 16, 2018 14:58:30 GMT
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