|
|
Post by Really Red on Jul 11, 2018 1:12:16 GMT
Original ThreadWe arrived home a couple hours ago. There is a very real possibility that you will all soon be reading Woman Goes Stark Raving Mad after Welcoming Bi-Polar Stroke Ex Home in your newspapers. Personal Bitch and Whine:
He did not get in acute rehab. Out of the three available skilled care nursing homes, only one actually accepted our insurance (the other two refused) and the one that did was so horrendous, I could not bring anyone there. So home he came. At first, in the car he was JOYOUS. He started speaking French (his mother tongue) again! He was doing so well. Then, for the next 2.5 hours, he told me how to drive and how not to spend money. I said I needed to stop to get something to eat and he told me WE didn't have enough money to do that. I said ***I*** had enough money, but he didn't understand. We had to stop by the pharmacy and there he had a meltdown. He does not want to take the pills and he doesn't understand why NO ONE WILL TELL HIM what the pills do. Even though 3 times a day the nurse told him. And I told him. Then he insisted he could go anywhere because his sense of direction wasn't affected. I said YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YOU DODO!! but he didn't understand. Hah. Desperate Need for Good Pea Responses: People are telling me left and right how good I am. I AM NOT GOOD. Everyone would do this when the alternative is so horrific. Every time someone says something to me, I just want to bitch and whine (see above), which clearly I can't do. Those who know me understand. Those who don't know me do NOT understand. Unfortunately, we work for the same large company (in different branches), so people know my ex and think he's charming. They say to me "You are so good" or some sort of that phrase, what do I answer? I've been doing the beatific nod, but that seems so self-serving. Some of my relatives say the same thing. I feel annoyed. I do not feel good. I feel very bad and very mean and very unsure that I am going to manage. For some reason I didn't think he'd be 1) so damn annoying and 2) so damn contrary. I am also clearly delusional. Maybe that needs to be my response.
|
|
|
|
Post by LilyRose on Jul 11, 2018 1:19:41 GMT
Oh boy, do I feel for you. Just a quick thought regarding his inability to understand/remember what the pills do—-would it make a difference if you wrote out what they do, so he could read it? Perhaps that part of his brain can retain the info better than if he hears it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Bridget in MD on Jul 11, 2018 1:20:36 GMT
Well, you are a way better person than I am. WOW. You are amazing. Not just good. So, I handle a lot of things with humor. When people say things I am uncomfortable with, I often mix truth and humor... "You're such a good person..." might get a "I guess I finally found my ticket to Heaven" answer. Or, "Only the good die young..." or I handle things very bluntly. "THIS IS SHORT TERM BECAUSE I AM A DECENT HUMAN BEING."
I have no answers for you, but LOTS of hugs and supportive vibes coming your way!
|
|
seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,401
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
|
Post by seaexplore on Jul 11, 2018 1:21:27 GMT
First- BIG FAT HUGS!
I've got nothing other than to tell people "thank you" and move along.
I'm really sorry you've got to do this. I mean, I get the "you're good" thing... he's an ex, he's had brain trauma. BUT I also get why you say you're not.
Can you see a therapist for yourself? Might help to have someone not in the situation for you to just be able to rant to and get it out.
|
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Jul 11, 2018 1:21:31 GMT
Oh boy, do I feel for you. Just a quick thought regarding his inability to understand/remember what the pills do—-would it make a difference if you wrote out what they do, so he could read it? Perhaps that part of his brain can retain the info better than if he hears it. He can't read. He has very little understanding at all. I mean he can read words, but he has NO idea what they mean. No nouns at all. He can understand "are you hungry" and maybe a couple other things, but very, very few things. His speech is so good, it seems like he should know, but he does not. |
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Jul 11, 2018 1:22:43 GMT
Well, you are a way better person than I am. WOW. You are amazing. Not just good. So, I handle a lot of things with humor. When people say things I am uncomfortable with, I often mix truth and humor... "You're such a good person..." might get a "I guess I finally found my ticket to Heaven" answer. Or, "Only the good die young..." or I handle things very bluntly. " THIS IS SHORT TERM BECAUSE I AM A DECENT HUMAN BEING." I have no answers for you, but LOTS of hugs and supportive vibes coming your way! Ha ha ha. I love that sentence! First- BIG FAT HUGS! I've got nothing other than to tell people "thank you" and move along. I'm really sorry you've got to do this. I mean, I get the "you're good" thing... he's an ex, he's had brain trauma. BUT I also get why you say you're not. Can you see a therapist for yourself? Might help to have someone not in the situation for you to just be able to rant to and get it out. Oh yes, indeed. I am doing that! |
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 11, 2018 1:26:26 GMT
Do you have out patient or home care therapies set up? mainly I would think OT and/or Speech to work towards cognition, etc. Did you ever look in to OTs cognitive scoring?
Also since his insurance would not cover rehab stays, they may be more willing to pay for other services. Take advantage of that..namely home care. if he is unsafe, and risk for say...driving, etc you're going to need to hide the keys, locks for the door etc.
|
|
|
|
Post by iteach3rdgrade on Jul 11, 2018 1:55:19 GMT
Oh boy, do I feel for you. Just a quick thought regarding his inability to understand/remember what the pills do—-would it make a difference if you wrote out what they do, so he could read it? Perhaps that part of his brain can retain the info better than if he hears it. He can't read. He has very little understanding at all. I mean he can read words, but he has NO idea what they mean. No nouns at all. He can understand "are you hungry" and maybe a couple other things, but very, very few things. His speech is so good, it seems like he should know, but he does not. Pictures? Draw what the pills do or how they affect him. |
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Jul 11, 2018 2:06:50 GMT
Can you try again with your insurance for the other two rehab places? I'd go to HR and ask if there is anything they can think of that would be helpful. Is there anyone in his family you can contact? Ugh. I have no idea how difficult this is, but it sounds like it would be awful even with someone you love very much.
|
|
|
|
Post by CarefreeSadie on Jul 11, 2018 2:08:25 GMT
I'll give you accolades for trying to do what you think is the "right" thing. I personally could not or maybe would not bring someone to my home who I already knew I could not live with (divorce?). I am sorry your ex had a devastating stroke but the man needs rehab and how much money you have doesn't enter into his treatment, there are ways that you become liable for his bills, ask a lawyer if bringing him to your home and taking responsibility for his care makes you liable. Or are you bringing him to his home?
You might want to check into nursing homes in other areas, perhaps there is a better option further away? I just want to hug you and help you understand you are not responsible for anything that happens to this man. If you realize you cannot do this do not feel bad, you are divorced for a reason. Would you expect him to take care of you if the roles were reversed?
Other then that hugs, remember, fuck it is a viable alternative.....(the situation not him). All I can see is that meme on Pinterest.....I am experiencing life at so many WTFs per minute I have whiplash!
Sending you a big warm enveloping hug!
|
|
|
|
Post by mom26 on Jul 11, 2018 2:12:27 GMT
Can I just say that I love your honesty in dealing with all of this? I can't imagine that I would be so grounded at a time like this and I hope you do not lose that.
But, girl, you do need some help. Please explore every avenue you can to get assistance with this or you will be worn down to a nub in no time. In short, he needs help that is completely out of your wheelhouse.
|
|
|
|
Post by LilyRose on Jul 11, 2018 2:27:46 GMT
Oh boy, do I feel for you. Just a quick thought regarding his inability to understand/remember what the pills do—-would it make a difference if you wrote out what they do, so he could read it? Perhaps that part of his brain can retain the info better than if he hears it. He can't read. He has very little understanding at all. I mean he can read words, but he has NO idea what they mean. No nouns at all. He can understand "are you hungry" and maybe a couple other things, but very, very few things. His speech is so good, it seems like he should know, but he does not. Well shoot. |
|
azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755 
|
Post by azredhead on Jul 11, 2018 2:54:45 GMT
Can I just say that I love your honesty in dealing with all of this? I can't imagine that I would be so grounded at a time like this and I hope you do not lose that. But, girl, you do need some help. Please explore every avenue you can to get assistance with this or you will be worn down to a nub in no time. In short, he needs help that is completely out of your wheelhouse. This and This please see if you can get additional help and you're NOT a bad person NOT at all and even for asking or thinking certain things! I think it's normal reaction for such circumstances. But yes more quality care and for yourself ... HUGS HUGS! |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 10:20:51 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 3:06:02 GMT
Send him back to his people, there is a reason he is an ex! Would he not have better health care in his own country.
Serious, I knew a woman who took her ex back. He had brain cancer and nobody want to help him. She aged 20 years in the couple of years that he lived.
|
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Jul 11, 2018 3:19:35 GMT
UGH. I'm so sorry you got sucked into this. I also understand that you can't just desert him, because he is the father of your not-quite-adult children and he has no one else. You are doing this for your kids. Really, if it's anyone's job to take care of him, it's theirs ... but I understand they aren't quite ready to take over yet.
Talk to a social worker? There must be an agency that helps people who are completely disabled.
You cannot do this completely on your own indefinitely. You just can't.
|
|
Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,960
|
Post by Nanner on Jul 11, 2018 3:19:57 GMT
Wow. All I can say is: GOOD LUCK!!! I hope you don't go stark raving mad, because I sure would!
|
|
IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
|
Post by IAmUnoriginal on Jul 11, 2018 3:20:30 GMT
You are a good person. Plenty of ex’s would walk away and let it be figured out by someone else. But, when you internally want to jab the guy with the closest sharp object, I suppose that feels weird to hear you’re good.
Different situation, but I think you could apply it. My brother isn’t comfortable when someone thanks him for his military service. It makes him squirmy, even though he appreciates the sentiment. Somewhere along the line, an old timer gave him the tip to say back to the person “Thank you for your support.” I think you could do that, too. When people are telling you that you’re good, they are awkwardly trying so show you appreciation and support for being wonderful when you don’t have to be.
The Peas will absorb your vents. You have to let those things out somewhere.
|
|
PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,293
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
|
Post by PaperAngel on Jul 11, 2018 3:55:29 GMT
Having just read the initial thread linked in the OP, IMHO you're overstepping (ie you are divorced!), insisting on control (eg POA, sole caregiver, discouraging adult childen from visiting), & taking on unnecessary stress (& potential liability). Your adult/21 yo daughters & 17 yo son (plus your ex-husband's other children, if applicable) should be responsible/make decisions for their divorced dad (&/or asking his parents/siblings to travel there to help). Your role is only to support your children as they decide/arrange for their dad's care.
Please consult an attorney to determine any financial or other commitments you've inadvertently made & help guide future decisions regarding your ex-husband. Good luck, & wishing him a speedy recovery...
|
|
|
|
Post by sunnyd on Jul 11, 2018 4:55:36 GMT
Hoping for a speedy recovery! How long have you been divorced?
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 10:20:51 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 5:15:11 GMT
{{Many hugs for you}}
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 10:20:51 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 5:23:45 GMT
Her children are college students, they need to focus on graduating , rather than taking care of their father, plus at their ages they are not going to understand how to take care of him.
She needs poa, so she can start paying his bills, that he is not capable of understanding right now. There is so much that she would not be able to do for him without it.
|
|
|
|
Post by KelleeM on Jul 11, 2018 8:54:13 GMT
Huge hugs.
I can’t help but think how grateful I am that my kids are adults and would take care of their Dad if anything happens to him because I sure wouldn’t. He’s alienated every other person in his life.
I hope you’ll look into at home services for your ex. Is there a long term prognosis? Surely there’s some place where they deal with this kind of care? Is this considered a brain injury?
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
|
|
tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
|
Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 11, 2018 9:59:52 GMT
I'm overwhelmed just reading this! Seek help via a social worker or a lawyer as soon as you can. I understand that when you already have a million things on your plate it seems too much, but for your own mental health and well being you will have to have some serious help to cope.
You may not see yourself as a good person, but you are.
|
|
momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
|
Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 11, 2018 10:19:31 GMT
((HUGS)) I can't imagine being in your situation. Is his insurance covering therapies to help him recover and in home services? You need someone on your side advocating for his insurance to cover what is necessary for him to recover and get out of your house as soon as possible.
|
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 11, 2018 10:21:50 GMT
Seriously, you are beyond a good person. And I guess I'll admit something that makes me a bad person : In your situation, I would not be taking care of my ex.
Caretaking is a hard, demanding, often unrewarding job when you love the person with all your heart.
When he's your ex and you do it? Pretty sure that's instant sainthood.
Just remember you can come here over and over and tell us anything you need to get off your chest.
|
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Jul 11, 2018 12:13:40 GMT
Would your HR department be able to help you navigate getting him help? He's a single man, living alone. I would think he qualifies for home health care, plus physical therapy at home.
You need to figure out a long term solution. You deserve to have your life back.
|
|
maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,728
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
|
Post by maryannscraps on Jul 11, 2018 12:22:16 GMT
I get it. You're just doing what needs to be done. He can't be left out in the street. You feel helpless and trapped into doing this.
Is there any way to get his relatives involved? Sure, they have their own lives, but so do you. This can't fall on you long term.
I went through years of caring for my husband when he was paralyzed and very ill. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I NEVER could have done it if I didn't love him so deeply. I just couldn't.
There must be some kind of help out there to direct you on how to deal with this and get him whatever services he needs to get out of your home. Can you start with whatever medical group is directing his medical care right now? Do they have a social worker? Are there stroke support groups or services that can point you toward something?
I just feel so badly for the situation you are in.
|
|
SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,599
|
Post by SweetieBsMom on Jul 11, 2018 12:52:28 GMT
Original ThreadWe arrived home a couple hours ago. There is a very real possibility that you will all soon be reading Woman Goes Stark Raving Mad after Welcoming Bi-Polar Stroke Ex Home in your newspapers. Personal Bitch and Whine:
He did not get in acute rehab. Out of the three available skilled care nursing homes, only one actually accepted our insurance (the other two refused) and the one that did was so horrendous, I could not bring anyone there. So home he came. At first, in the car he was JOYOUS. He started speaking French (his mother tongue) again! He was doing so well. Then, for the next 2.5 hours, he told me how to drive and how not to spend money. I said I needed to stop to get something to eat and he told me WE didn't have enough money to do that. I said ***I*** had enough money, but he didn't understand. We had to stop by the pharmacy and there he had a meltdown. He does not want to take the pills and he doesn't understand why NO ONE WILL TELL HIM what the pills do. Even though 3 times a day the nurse told him. And I told him. Then he insisted he could go anywhere because his sense of direction wasn't affected. I said YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YOU DODO!! but he didn't understand. Hah. Desperate Need for Good Pea Responses: People are telling me left and right how good I am. I AM NOT GOOD. Everyone would do this when the alternative is so horrific. Every time someone says something to me, I just want to bitch and whine (see above), which clearly I can't do. Those who know me understand. Those who don't know me do NOT understand. Unfortunately, we work for the same large company (in different branches), so people know my ex and think he's charming. They say to me "You are so good" or some sort of that phrase, what do I answer? I've been doing the beatific nod, but that seems so self-serving. Some of my relatives say the same thing. I feel annoyed. I do not feel good. I feel very bad and very mean and very unsure that I am going to manage. For some reason I didn't think he'd be 1) so damn annoying and 2) so damn contrary. I am also clearly delusional. Maybe that needs to be my response. I totally get this. People tell me all the time that "they could never do what I'm doing". Yeah, you could if there was no other option. I'm sending BIG hugs to you. And you ARE good. |
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jul 11, 2018 12:57:38 GMT
People are telling me left and right how good I am. I AM NOT GOOD. Everyone would do this when the alternative is so horrific. Every time someone says something to me, I just want to bitch and whine (see above), which clearly I can't do. Those who know me understand. Those who don't know me do NOT understand. Unfortunately, we work for the same large company (in different branches), so people know my ex and think he's charming. They say to me "You are so good" or some sort of that phrase, what do I answer? I've been doing the beatific nod, but that seems so self-serving. Some of my relatives say the same thing. I feel annoyed. I do not feel good. I feel very bad and very mean and very unsure that I am going to manage. For some reason I didn't think he'd be 1) so damn annoying and 2) so damn contrary. I am also clearly delusional. Maybe that needs to be my response. I'd be tempted to tell them the truth. Maybe a couple would step up and offer you some help. YOU need to get a social worker at the hospital to help you find another facility. What if he had had no one??? If he is refusing meds etc it's going to get worse--not better. |
|
purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,726
|
Post by purplebee on Jul 11, 2018 13:00:38 GMT
Hugs to you. I agree, explore any and all avenues for therapy and help. You cannot do this alone. As far as responding to the "good" comments, just say "Thank you, I am doing the best I can." Wishing him a speedy recovery.
|
|
