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Post by annabella on Jul 16, 2018 0:01:03 GMT
Situations don’t present themselves twice, it’s not too late to address this one, don’t put this in writing so she can show him. But next time you have plans be firm and say you want it to be just the ladies. Then say jokingly “so why did you want me to babysit your boyfriend for you? Did you need him out the house? It was such a weird request I was taken aback lol”
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Post by jenjie on Jul 16, 2018 0:04:05 GMT
Maybe she is trying to fix him up with you? With her live in boyfriend? I hope not
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 23, 2024 14:23:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2018 0:05:18 GMT
Maybe she is trying to fix him up with you? With her live in boyfriend? I hope not I don’t know , could happen, people do strange things......
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Post by sues on Jul 16, 2018 0:22:20 GMT
I think SueS hit things on the nail. The way it was phrased assumed (at least to me) that I'd be perfectly fine with it, and if not...it was kind of a passive aggressive way to ask to change the original plans (again). That said. I have a question. I get the feeling that you all think she's not a very good friend to me. Which of course gets me thinking about the far *worse* stuff that other friends do/ask of me. Now I'm really feeling like a doormat, and I've never really thought of myself as one..... I just figure the not so good stuff comes along with the good stuff with a friendship. Am I wrong? Also, because I saw it mentioned several times, he and I are seeing the movie Ruth Bader Ginsberg together.
ETA: one other thing. I completely and utterly understand her wanting to spend some time at home alone. She talked a lot about how tough this is on her when we spent several hours together on Friday.
I don't have the impression you are a doormat. I think you are a kind person and a generous friend. But I also think when a behavior has brought you to the point of noticing it and feeling manipulated - it's time to shut it down. It's not friendship ending or anything- you just need to make sure situations don;t turn on you in the future. My sister and I were just talking about this kind of thing yesterday. She and I both tend to be generous with people we know. We do not 'keep score' and we do not expect things to be even. But there are so many people out there that seem to have a well-tuned radar for people like us. They can be normal and wonderful in every other way, but they are takers. At work, my sister often picks up coffee (or orders lunch) when it's busy. She knows what people tend to get and if she's working with a friend, sees they're busy- she will grab it for them as a treat. There is one woman she's gotten to be friends with that takes advantage. She recognized the pattern and now she looks to make it happen. She never offers to pay, she never offers to treat, she never initiates the coffee or lunch run. If it isn't offered, she will seek it out- in a very passive-aggressive way. It's like a skill. And though these people are adults who shouldn't feel so comfortable behaving in this way - they do. It's very manipulative and reminds me of a sneaky child. When a behavior leaves you feeling this way, it's time to make a change.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 16, 2018 0:34:05 GMT
Based on the OP & subsequent posts, please do NOT babysit your friend's boyfriend. Not only do you already anticipate it'll be awkward, IMHO it's demeaning to both of you! Plus, if you do this once, it may become a weekly expectation; she then could accuse him of being unfaithful with you or you of trying to break up their relationship when she wants out. Please consider texting her to cancel, then wait for her to contact you to reschedule a movie outing with you as you reconsider the friendship. (((hugs))) Wow. This is something that would cause you to reconsider a friendship? That just seems a bit, I don't know, harsh.
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Post by MichyM on Jul 16, 2018 1:06:45 GMT
sues thanks...again. Good job on the armchair analysis That said, this woman at your sisters work sounds like a piece of work. Is your sister going to say anything?
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Post by mom2samlibby on Jul 16, 2018 1:42:16 GMT
You had an out. All you needed to say was my plans were with you. That is not going to work for me. I think it's really strange for her to ask and even stranger that you agreed to it.
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Post by annabella on Jul 16, 2018 1:46:55 GMT
At work, my sister often picks up coffee (or orders lunch) when it's busy. She knows what people tend to get and if she's working with a friend, sees they're busy- she will grab it for them as a treat. There is one woman she's gotten to be friends with that takes advantage. She recognized the pattern and now she looks to make it happen. She never offers to pay, she never offers to treat, she never initiates the coffee or lunch run. If it isn't offered, she will seek it out- in a very passive-aggressive way. It's like a skill. And though these people are adults who shouldn't feel so comfortable behaving in this way - they do. It's very manipulative and reminds me of a sneaky child. When a behavior leaves you feeling this way, it's time to make a change. My very first job had a vending machine on the way to the bathroom. It wasn't a far walk. It was a very small office with 2 co-workers. My one co-worker would ALWAYS ask me if she could grab me something from the vending machine when she went out. I always said no but as this became a habit, I got the sense that she felt it rude that I didn't do the same to her. I saw no need to ever ask her if she wanted something because she was perfectly capable of getting it herself, it's not far to go. It became this weird thing between us because she never let up and I saw no need to change to suit her strange needs. Your sister shouldn't continue to do this if people don't reciprocate. They may feel they are capable of getting their own coffee, like having a reason to step out the office for a mini break, aren't that close to your sister that they even think of her to get her one and may be uncomfortable with her constant gifts.
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Kath
Full Member
Posts: 446
Jun 26, 2014 12:15:31 GMT
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Post by Kath on Jul 16, 2018 2:27:37 GMT
She sounds like a user. People I’ve known like her will take, take, take and everything is about them. At my age, I no longer have any desire to interact with their crazy, too many other nice normal people in the world who wouldn’t ever dream of making weird requests, user requests like that. Not worth the time or energy.
I would tell her that something has come up and I will be busy at that time, and then I would distance myself and not interact with her at all if possible until eventually she moves on with her crazy to someone else.
In my experience, they always move on and find someone new to start the whole cycle over again with. They have to latch on to somebody who will “help them out,” someone who will do things for them and if you stay unavailable long enough, they’ll have to find someone else and then you’ll truly be free of them.
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Post by sues on Jul 16, 2018 3:03:08 GMT
At work, my sister often picks up coffee (or orders lunch) when it's busy. She knows what people tend to get and if she's working with a friend, sees they're busy- she will grab it for them as a treat. There is one woman she's gotten to be friends with that takes advantage. She recognized the pattern and now she looks to make it happen. She never offers to pay, she never offers to treat, she never initiates the coffee or lunch run. If it isn't offered, she will seek it out- in a very passive-aggressive way. It's like a skill. And though these people are adults who shouldn't feel so comfortable behaving in this way - they do. It's very manipulative and reminds me of a sneaky child. When a behavior leaves you feeling this way, it's time to make a change. My very first job had a vending machine on the way to the bathroom. It wasn't a far walk. It was a very small office with 2 co-workers. My one co-worker would ALWAYS ask me if she could grab me something from the vending machine when she went out. I always said no but as this became a habit, I got the sense that she felt it rude that I didn't do the same to her. I saw no need to ever ask her if she wanted something because she was perfectly capable of getting it herself, it's not far to go. It became this weird thing between us because she never let up and I saw no need to change to suit her strange needs. Your sister shouldn't continue to do this if people don't reciprocate. They may feel they are capable of getting their own coffee, like having a reason to step out the office for a mini break, aren't that close to your sister that they even think of her to get her one and may be uncomfortable with her constant gifts. That is a unique take on what I said about my sister. But it's inaccurate. And different from your situation.
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Post by sues on Jul 16, 2018 3:07:54 GMT
sues thanks...again. Good job on the armchair analysis That said, this woman at your sisters work sounds like a piece of work. Is your sister going to say anything? She's not going to say anything- but she's not going to be picking up anything for her either, prompted or not. She's pretty surprised at how this turned out- they were getting to be good friends, talked about taking a weekend trip, seemed to really be on the same wavelength. But then she turned out to be one of those people that is always looking for someone else to pick up the tab. You get to a certain point in your life, and you think you can spot them - but this one took her by surprise.
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Post by worrywart on Jul 16, 2018 3:52:07 GMT
I think SueS hit things on the nail. The way it was phrased assumed (at least to me) that I'd be perfectly fine with it, and if not...it was kind of a passive aggressive way to ask to change the original plans (again). That said. I have a question. I get the feeling that you all think she's not a very good friend to me. Which of course gets me thinking about the far *worse* stuff that other friends do/ask of me. Now I'm really feeling like a doormat, and I've never really thought of myself as one..... I just figure the not so good stuff comes along with the good stuff with a friendship. Am I wrong? Also, because I saw it mentioned several times, he and I are seeing the movie Ruth Bader Ginsberg together.
ETA: one other thing. I completely and utterly understand her wanting to spend some time at home alone. She talked a lot about how tough this is on her when we spent several hours together on Friday.
Have a good time at the movie - you may enjoy the company and he may be ready to get out with someone different for a change. She really did put you on the spot! Her personality sounds somewhat narcissistic? It is maybe just a little self centered and the fact that caretaking is difficult for her in general..maybe is a sign that she is struggling with her bf's situation and having too much together time. Keep being a good friend, I don't think that being giving and understanding means that you are a doormat but at the same time, you do have the right to stick up for yourself. (((hugs!!)))
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camcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,973
Jun 26, 2014 3:41:19 GMT
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Post by camcas on Jul 16, 2018 3:57:36 GMT
I am lost...why does an adult with a broken leg need babysitting???
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,179
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jul 16, 2018 4:17:00 GMT
I am lost...why does an adult with a broken leg need babysitting??? It may not be so much that he needs babysitting as that he can't drive, so has limited independence. Broken legs aren't always simple situations - my brother (age 50 at the time) was in a full leg cast awaiting surgery on his broken leg when he threw a clot to his lungs and stopped breathing. My sister-in-law had just come home from work and happened to be sitting right there and was getting ready to do CPR when he started breathing again; he was very lucky (doctors think the clot was breaking up as it hit his lungs) because a pulmonary embolism can be a fast death. Broken legs, being immobilized and inactive, surgery - all raise the risk for clots. When he got out of the hospital after the PE, if my sister-in-law was at work, one or both of my parents was there with him. Wouldn't have stopped another clot but they felt better with him not being alone, and he was very restricted in what he could do since he was in a cast for months and on blood thinners; doctors really didn't want him to fall and risk a major bleed. Some posters seem to think this is a huge, friendship-breaking situation. While I think it's a little unusual, I can see how she might be feeling like she never has a moment alone at home now (I do enjoy that myself), and saw this as a chance to get that solitude at home. And they may be getting a little too much time together right now and need a couple hours breathing room. It does seem to indicate that at this point, that solitude is more important to her than doing something with a friend, and that's not necessarily what the friend wants to hear, so this request might seem a little selfish. I'd do it this once, but you can always think longer before agreeing to it again if she asks.
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Post by Prenticekid on Jul 16, 2018 13:06:27 GMT
I don't see a problem with this situation at all. It was the movies with friends. Not a vacation, not a hugely personal ladies night out, not dinner with the in laws. Movies. With friends. One friend ended up feeling like they needed alone time from someone who has limited mobility/needs a ride. Craps o'mighty.
I wish I didn't remember when people were kinder to one another, and when people were better friends to each other.
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Post by giatocj on Jul 16, 2018 13:11:58 GMT
This would just be a "No, sorry. That won't work for me" conversation.
What a weird request for her to make. I understand her wanting alone time, but asking you to basically babysit an injured boyfriend while she does whatever it is she's wanting to do is just wrong. Especially since you don't really have any kind of relationship with the guy.
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,735
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Jul 16, 2018 13:28:21 GMT
I don't see a problem with this situation at all. It was the movies with friends. Not a vacation, not a hugely personal ladies night out, not dinner with the in laws. Movies. With friends. One friend ended up feeling like they needed alone time from someone who has limited mobility/needs a ride. Craps o'mighty. I wish I didn't remember when people were kinder to one another, and when people were better friends to each other. I don't think it had anything to do with kindness. Michy has been helping them out plenty since he broke his leg. She just doesn't know him all that well. He's her friend's boyfriend, not her own friend. She set up a date to go out with her friend, not him. She feels awkward going out to the movies with this guy she doesn't spend time with. I know that I'd feel really awkward going out with one of my friends' husbands by myself without the friend. Perhaps because I spent three years with my husband at home very ill, I have a different view of it. I'm a total introvert, but I wouldn't have tried to get alone time by breaking a date with a girlfriend to ask her to take my husband out instead.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Jul 16, 2018 14:01:05 GMT
I think the OP has gotten the message that people think she should have said no! Yeesh. And she never said she’d feel awkward at the movies with this guy. She asked if she should feel managed. There are people who would never think up this movie plan; people who would think of it wistfully but never propose it; people who would propose it yet provide a very explicit “out”; and people who would propose it and provide only a passive aggressive out. You belong in Groups #1 and #2 and your friend belongs in Group #4. They manage people. Or maybe Group #3, but clumsy. Now you know it can happen and resolve to resist. Enjoy the movie. He, of course, should pay for the popcorn. (Yeah, you’ll have to fetch it.)
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Post by MichyM on Jul 16, 2018 16:29:49 GMT
Just a little update. After my email late yesterday asking if BF was ok with it, I opened my mail this morning to find an email from her that simply said "I'll be there too." Nothing else. So....while this has been an odd situation (IMO), looks like its kind of been resolved. Thanks again for the input very much appreciated!
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jul 16, 2018 16:39:11 GMT
"how nice of you to set me up on a date with your boyfriend."
"actually, if you're not going, then I probably won't go either. I really wanted to spend the time with you."
"I don't have the ability to manage a person with a broken leg on my own."
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,870
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Jul 16, 2018 16:51:22 GMT
Just a little update. After my email late yesterday asking if BF was ok with it, I opened my mail this morning to find an email from her that simply said "I'll be there too." Nothing else. So....while this has been an odd situation (IMO), looks like its kind of been resolved. Thanks again for the input very much appreciated! So she hadn't told him her plan! Glad it worked out. I would have backed out myself - that would be odd.
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Post by LisaDV on Jul 16, 2018 18:57:41 GMT
I think the request clearly states an "out" -- "if you want me there and just thought I'd ask" ... and, as always, "I'm sorry, but that won't work for me" is a fine response. This. I would not have said yes.
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