A Small Question: Living with Ex who had a stroke
Jul 29, 2018 12:00:10 GMT
lucyg, cadoodlebug, and 4 more like this
Post by Really Red on Jul 29, 2018 12:00:10 GMT
I'm going to try to answer your questions in one post.
First of all, Basket1lady you totally rock. I wish I were back in the DC area (I was born and raised there) because not only do I have a lot of family there, there are also a lot more options. Thank you for your sweet and kind offer
crimsoncat05 and freecharlie he doesn't have any issues except speech, so the best I could do was skilled rehab for a week to two and the good ones wouldn't take him and the bad ones - well, I wouldn't put anyone with little comprehension in one of those. I can pay for care, but right now with my son spelling me, I don't want to put the money into that. In 3.5 weeks, all my kids will be in college and I will have pay for that during work hours. Don't think he can afford it after work hours. Insurance doesn't pay for this.
wellway Are you talking headphones for me? Ha ha. He wants to tell me everything he's learning on the aphasia apps and everything he has ever learned, I think. And the constant, constant need for reassurance. I can sit here and type that and feel sorry for him, but in the middle of it, it is hard.
J u l e e That is part of the reason I hate to complain. Clearly an 80yo woman is far more difficult than 50yo man. My uncle is dealing with my 72yo aunt who had early-onset dementia and is spitting everywhere. He's waiting for a good facility to open up, but in the meantime, he is exhausted. I have it way easier than he and you. I, too, am giving my dogs a lot of good walks!!
Sue he can't play any games, except one he remembers on the computer. And because of old basketball injuries, he cannot walk for any distance, but he does swim and ride bikes.
lucyg you are right. I'm probably just going to have to grit my teeth and get through this.
salem There is a service and one of my neighbors does this. I am going to need her in the fall, but right now between my son and me, we are good for that.
cadoodlebug I just hesitate to go that route. These are all my friends, not his and I'm a little uncomfortable with the whole thing when it's not life threatening. I mean I am mentally exhausted, but it's nothing like what people go through when they have serious illnesses.
idahopea and anaterra Yes, there is adult daycare near my home and near my work. I have volunteered in both and they are actually quite nice. They are really for very, very old people with significant cognitive disabilities. I could probably get him to go once in an emergency, but I doubt once more. I think if I go this type of route, I need someone to come and sit with him. I have lists for those people and will start that when my son leaves in a few weeks.
librarylady every time someone offers food, I counter off with "please take him for an hour." Everyone says yes, but then no one does it. However, RedSquirrelUK one of my neighbors who has worked with both of us has been incredible. He has been away for the past couple weeks, and returns in one more week. He asked if he could take ex to church. I was like HELL YES! My ex needs church more than anyone I know. My neighbor's church is a very, very large church that is incredibly well organized. If anyone can help, I think they might be able to. When my neighbor returns, I will make sure I take him up on that. I had almost forgotten about that offer.
mikklynn he works 2.5 hours away at the same company. It's a shame, because his coworkers are great. They helped me move his stuff out of his place and offered any kind of help. One is coming to our town for meetings and offered to have lunch with him.
maryannscraps Long story, but he supported another woman so doesn't have a lot of extra cash. He does have stocks, but if I'm thinking long-term care, than I want to be sure he has money to do so. FWIW, he does not support that woman any more as I cut it all off as terms for him to live with me. Because he understands SO little, it's difficult doing this. I have spreadsheets and detailed information for him, but it's frustrating to him and lengthy to explain. This is one of the most exhausting parts. If I could have complete control, it'd be MUCH easier, but he can access his accounts on the phone/computer and I can't take that away from him if I want him to get better.
cindyupnorth On a list of 20 common words I repeat to him numerous times in the day (ear, eye, foot, dog, fork, table, etc.) he gets about 4-5. In a conversation, he understands nothing, unless he has asked a question and anticipates an answer. His questions are really quite incredibly good, so people think he understands more than he does, but if I inserted "Yes, the blood around your heart formed a clot which went to the zoo and rode an elephant" he would nod and say "yes, I see." He's so smart that when you hear his questions, you're impressed. He can hear maybe one word or two, so if he hears that word, he plays off of it and can create a question or talk around it. I absolutely cannot have any conversation with him at all. For heaven's sake, he cannot understand that the scream-sneezing has to stop. No doctor would say he's incompetent because he is not. (He just woke up and it took me about 10 mns for him to understand that I was going to make breakfast at 9am - I drew pictures and everything.)
Right now he cannot live on his own. His family is in Europe and he has no one - not one close friend - here. In fact, I asked one of our old friends who lives across the country to Skype with him and this friend, with whom I am still close, said to me "Ex thinks of me as a friend? He hasn't been in contact with me for 17 years!" My friend is doing this for me and these Skype calls are helpful. But this man was one of our dearest friends when we lived in Colorado.
jenjie he does not require constant care. I can leave him for an hour or so without a problem. I do this. I just want him gone sometimes, too!
quiltz I WISH he were someone else's problem. I wish it with all my heart. I wish he found someone else and married her. I wished this all the time. I have not forgotten the issues and they are super clear now.
voltagain 6 months is my max and I will put him in a group home at that point or send him to Switzerland. I think he's going to understand again and once he does, he can move out. I will NOT have him forever. I promise you that. I have a sister who will come and kick him out before that happens. She tells me once every couple days!
mom2samlibby he doesn't have anyone who can take care of him. It's very sad. He knows it, too.
christine58 he is not faking. I have no doubts about that.
I have people to watch him during the day, but I need people sometimes on the weekend, too. I just need him away from ME and me in my house, but I'm thinking that's probably too much to ask now.
Someone asked me about speech therapy. That started this week (and that was about 1-2 weeks before insurance wanted it to start, too!). Speech lady will tell me NOTHING. No one gives any prognosis to stroke patients. It's awful. I guess the results vary too much so they don't dare. But my understanding is around 3-4 months there is a big improvement and by 6 mos you've done most of what you can do, that is why my end date is 6 mos.
You are always all the best. Thank you for supporting me.
First of all, Basket1lady you totally rock. I wish I were back in the DC area (I was born and raised there) because not only do I have a lot of family there, there are also a lot more options. Thank you for your sweet and kind offer
crimsoncat05 and freecharlie he doesn't have any issues except speech, so the best I could do was skilled rehab for a week to two and the good ones wouldn't take him and the bad ones - well, I wouldn't put anyone with little comprehension in one of those. I can pay for care, but right now with my son spelling me, I don't want to put the money into that. In 3.5 weeks, all my kids will be in college and I will have pay for that during work hours. Don't think he can afford it after work hours. Insurance doesn't pay for this.
wellway Are you talking headphones for me? Ha ha. He wants to tell me everything he's learning on the aphasia apps and everything he has ever learned, I think. And the constant, constant need for reassurance. I can sit here and type that and feel sorry for him, but in the middle of it, it is hard.
J u l e e That is part of the reason I hate to complain. Clearly an 80yo woman is far more difficult than 50yo man. My uncle is dealing with my 72yo aunt who had early-onset dementia and is spitting everywhere. He's waiting for a good facility to open up, but in the meantime, he is exhausted. I have it way easier than he and you. I, too, am giving my dogs a lot of good walks!!
Sue he can't play any games, except one he remembers on the computer. And because of old basketball injuries, he cannot walk for any distance, but he does swim and ride bikes.
lucyg you are right. I'm probably just going to have to grit my teeth and get through this.
salem There is a service and one of my neighbors does this. I am going to need her in the fall, but right now between my son and me, we are good for that.
cadoodlebug I just hesitate to go that route. These are all my friends, not his and I'm a little uncomfortable with the whole thing when it's not life threatening. I mean I am mentally exhausted, but it's nothing like what people go through when they have serious illnesses.
idahopea and anaterra Yes, there is adult daycare near my home and near my work. I have volunteered in both and they are actually quite nice. They are really for very, very old people with significant cognitive disabilities. I could probably get him to go once in an emergency, but I doubt once more. I think if I go this type of route, I need someone to come and sit with him. I have lists for those people and will start that when my son leaves in a few weeks.
librarylady every time someone offers food, I counter off with "please take him for an hour." Everyone says yes, but then no one does it. However, RedSquirrelUK one of my neighbors who has worked with both of us has been incredible. He has been away for the past couple weeks, and returns in one more week. He asked if he could take ex to church. I was like HELL YES! My ex needs church more than anyone I know. My neighbor's church is a very, very large church that is incredibly well organized. If anyone can help, I think they might be able to. When my neighbor returns, I will make sure I take him up on that. I had almost forgotten about that offer.
mikklynn he works 2.5 hours away at the same company. It's a shame, because his coworkers are great. They helped me move his stuff out of his place and offered any kind of help. One is coming to our town for meetings and offered to have lunch with him.
maryannscraps Long story, but he supported another woman so doesn't have a lot of extra cash. He does have stocks, but if I'm thinking long-term care, than I want to be sure he has money to do so. FWIW, he does not support that woman any more as I cut it all off as terms for him to live with me. Because he understands SO little, it's difficult doing this. I have spreadsheets and detailed information for him, but it's frustrating to him and lengthy to explain. This is one of the most exhausting parts. If I could have complete control, it'd be MUCH easier, but he can access his accounts on the phone/computer and I can't take that away from him if I want him to get better.
cindyupnorth On a list of 20 common words I repeat to him numerous times in the day (ear, eye, foot, dog, fork, table, etc.) he gets about 4-5. In a conversation, he understands nothing, unless he has asked a question and anticipates an answer. His questions are really quite incredibly good, so people think he understands more than he does, but if I inserted "Yes, the blood around your heart formed a clot which went to the zoo and rode an elephant" he would nod and say "yes, I see." He's so smart that when you hear his questions, you're impressed. He can hear maybe one word or two, so if he hears that word, he plays off of it and can create a question or talk around it. I absolutely cannot have any conversation with him at all. For heaven's sake, he cannot understand that the scream-sneezing has to stop. No doctor would say he's incompetent because he is not. (He just woke up and it took me about 10 mns for him to understand that I was going to make breakfast at 9am - I drew pictures and everything.)
Right now he cannot live on his own. His family is in Europe and he has no one - not one close friend - here. In fact, I asked one of our old friends who lives across the country to Skype with him and this friend, with whom I am still close, said to me "Ex thinks of me as a friend? He hasn't been in contact with me for 17 years!" My friend is doing this for me and these Skype calls are helpful. But this man was one of our dearest friends when we lived in Colorado.
jenjie he does not require constant care. I can leave him for an hour or so without a problem. I do this. I just want him gone sometimes, too!
quiltz I WISH he were someone else's problem. I wish it with all my heart. I wish he found someone else and married her. I wished this all the time. I have not forgotten the issues and they are super clear now.
voltagain 6 months is my max and I will put him in a group home at that point or send him to Switzerland. I think he's going to understand again and once he does, he can move out. I will NOT have him forever. I promise you that. I have a sister who will come and kick him out before that happens. She tells me once every couple days!
mom2samlibby he doesn't have anyone who can take care of him. It's very sad. He knows it, too.
christine58 he is not faking. I have no doubts about that.
I have people to watch him during the day, but I need people sometimes on the weekend, too. I just need him away from ME and me in my house, but I'm thinking that's probably too much to ask now.
Someone asked me about speech therapy. That started this week (and that was about 1-2 weeks before insurance wanted it to start, too!). Speech lady will tell me NOTHING. No one gives any prognosis to stroke patients. It's awful. I guess the results vary too much so they don't dare. But my understanding is around 3-4 months there is a big improvement and by 6 mos you've done most of what you can do, that is why my end date is 6 mos.
You are always all the best. Thank you for supporting me.