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Post by Really Red on Jul 28, 2018 18:58:52 GMT
It's been 2.5 weeks and I'm definitely over it. People who know him well have all asked me if he's faking it (he is not), but that tells you what kind of a person he is. It literally never occurred to me that he's faking but it apparently occurred to nearly every person we know.
The good news is he is getting better. He isn't awful at all and can do most things on his own. He can do most everything except understand.
The bad news is he still has a long way to go. If he sneeze-yells one more time, I honestly do not know what I will do. He understands about 2-3% of what you say to him so me completely losing my shit and saying "STFU! STOP SNEEZE-SCREAMING" is apparently making no difference. He can't understand so he talks INCESSANTLY. He talks about three things 1) am I getting better? No I'm not? I think I am? Maybe I'm not!, 2) Look at all I can do on my app (he wrote an app and works on it) and 3) I'm not getting better. Do you think I'm getting better? How am I getting better?
I have charts so he can see his progress. Apps that he does to get better also chart his progress, but he still asks incessantly. The first 100 times you feel sorry for him, but by the 10,000th time, you do not.
He asks questions that require detailed responses that he cannot understand. Getting him to do anything is so frustrating because he questions everything and understands nothing.
Yesterday, I didn't think I'd manage, but that was a full week of work and dealing with him. Today I feel a bit better, but tired and frustrated.
People (these are all my friends and not his -he doesn't have any) ask what they can do and I am honest. I say, please talk to him or take him out for even 30 mns. Everyone says yes, but no one does it. That's what I need. I need him away from me for a while. It will never be enough, but I can't stand it anymore. One of my co-workers suggested I ride bikes with him. I nearly took her head off. I take him to speech 3x/week, work with him for speech 14x/week, deal with all his bills and insurance and work stuff, take him swimming each night AND do my own day-to-day stuff and she thinks I should ride bikes with him. I suggested she do so. She is too busy to commit right now. While I get that, shut up about what I should do.
People say stuff and don't do it, and I get that. I'm not going to harp on that but I still need to stay sane. I do go in my room a bit, but it's not enough. Here is my question. Is there something that I can do to stay sane?
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 28, 2018 19:02:17 GMT
It's been 2.5 weeks and I'm definitely over it. People who know him well have all asked me if he's faking it (he is not), but that tells you what kind of a person he is. It literally never occurred to me that he's faking but it apparently occurred to nearly every person we know. The good news is he is getting better. He isn't awful at all and can do most things on his own. He can do most everything except understand. The bad news is he still has a long way to go. If he sneeze-yells one more time, I honestly do not know what I will do. He understands about 2-3% of what you say to him so me completely losing my shit and saying "STFU! STOP SNEEZE-SCREAMING" is apparently making no difference. He can't understand so he talks INCESSANTLY. He talks about three things 1) am I getting better? No I'm not? I think I am? Maybe I'm not!, 2) Look at all I can do on my app (he wrote an app and works on it) and 3) I'm not getting better. Do you think I'm getting better? How am I getting better? I have charts so he can see his progress. Apps that he does to get better also chart his progress, but he still asks incessantly. The first 100 times you feel sorry for him, but by the 10,000th time, you do not. He asks questions that require detailed responses that he cannot understand. Getting him to do anything is so frustrating because he questions everything and understands nothing. Yesterday, I didn't think I'd manage, but that was a full week of work and dealing with him. Today I feel a bit better, but tired and frustrated. People (these are all my friends and not his -he doesn't have any) ask what they can do and I am honest. I say, please talk to him or take him out for even 30 mns. Everyone says yes, but no one does it. That's what I need. I need him away from me for a while. It will never be enough, but I can't stand it anymore. One of my co-workers suggested I ride bikes with him. I nearly took her head off. I take him to speech 3x/week, work with him for speech 14x/week, deal with all his bills and insurance and work stuff, take him swimming each night AND do my own day-to-day stuff and she thinks I should ride bikes with him. I suggested she do so. She is too busy to commit right now. While I get that, shut up about what I should do. People say stuff and don't do it, and I get that. I'm not going to harp on that but I still need to stay sane. I do go in my room a bit, but it's not enough. Here is my question. Is there something that I can do to stay sane? I forget—are you in the DC area? I’d be happy to take him out for an hour or so this next week. Im so sorry that you are dealing with this. |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jul 28, 2018 19:02:42 GMT
wow... you are a really great Ex, to be doing all of this for your ex-DH. I don't know if I could be that good a person, honestly.
Is there any way his insurance can cover some sort of respite care, so someone (a nurse, etc.) can come stay with him periodically to give you a break? If he doesn't have any family, I get why you ended up taking care of his finances, etc. but it sounds like he might be better off in a rehab facility where he could get round-the-clock care from experts. Is that any sort of financial option at all??
ETA: or would he not be eligible for a rehab facility because his deficiencies are more cognitive than physical?
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Post by hop2 on Jul 28, 2018 19:03:09 GMT
Hugs
You are one strong woman.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 28, 2018 19:06:52 GMT
Is there a service you (he) can pay for? Can he go to a rehab center?
I am impressed you are taking care of him and he is lucky to have you, but damn, that would be hard.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,759
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jul 28, 2018 19:07:16 GMT
Is he just talking for the sake of talking, if so, perhaps headphones? I'm sorry, it must be frustrating beyond belief.
It is hard to focus on something when someone is talking at you.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jul 28, 2018 19:09:12 GMT
Situation remaining as it is (him staying with you) the only thing you can reasonably do is step away when you can.
My MIL was here with us for a month and that situation was a 180 degree difference from yours (she's 80, has dementia, is sweet, I love her), and the repeated inane conversations we had were enough to make me want to tear my own ears off. Add the incessant spitting and sniffing noises and I truly understand how people can be driven to madness! None of that was in her control though.
My running mileage exponentially increased and I've never walked my dog so much in my life as during that time. Step away as often as you can.
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234 
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
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Post by Sue on Jul 28, 2018 19:09:16 GMT
I've never had to deal with any of these kinds of issues before so take my idea as coming from a place of ignorance. Does he have enough understanding that he could play card games or board games? If so, could you advertise for a "babysitter" who could come in a couple of times a week or so to sit with him and play games that might keep him entertained and allow you a few hours of freedom?
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Post by lucyg on Jul 28, 2018 19:09:55 GMT
There isn't going to be an easy answer to this for you. I'm so sorry. He is just going to continue driving you crazy and there's no help for it (for now ... assuming you can't get some outside help in), short of dumping him on the streets.  Hopefully with more time, his brain will get better. basket1lady, that is such a nice offer to help Really Red. She does need a break. |
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Post by salem on Jul 28, 2018 19:16:44 GMT
Grr... it’s so frustrating and you will run yourself into the ground trying to do it all.,since he goes to different therapies, is there a service in your area that will pick him up and bring him home from appointments? When my Dad was going through it, my Mom took advantage of that for some sanity.
Im sorry.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jul 28, 2018 19:18:15 GMT
Could you start a Caringbridge page and ask your friends to sign up to help? I would email the login information to everyone who has asked *what can I do?* and ask them to sign up for however long they can spare, be it 15 or 30 minutes to give you a break. A friend of mine started one years ago when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and still had two boys in school. Everyone signed up to take the kids to school, pick them up, bring over meals, etc. You are a wonderful person to be doing this.  |
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Post by idahopea on Jul 28, 2018 20:08:15 GMT
Is there an adult daycare near you? Often they are for elderly persons who cannot be left home alone, but maybe he would qualify because of his stroke?
How about hiring a high school or college student to stay with him for a couple of hours?
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,827
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Jul 28, 2018 20:09:01 GMT
In our city we have an adult day care type program... I dont think it costs.. I think its govt funded... but its good for seniors and people with special needs during the day..
If you have a program like that in ur area would be a help... I dont know if its something you care to look into.. just tossing more ideas out there..
I do have to say you are truly a strong person to be doing for ur EX what you are...
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Post by librarylady on Jul 28, 2018 20:10:58 GMT
It is time to be assertive in seeking help. All those friends who have said they would help--Call one of them and say, "I really need 30 minutes to an hour alone. Can you come on ___ and you supply the date and time." If they say no, then do your best to pin the person down to a particular day.
Then repeat with friend #2 for another day.
They may be hesitant if they are afraid they lack the skills to help him.
Suggest they take him to a movie or museum or walk around inside the mall--these were all things I did to give my friend a break from his wife with Alzheimer's.
But, it is time to ask for the help you need, not wait for it to be forthcoming.
I tip my hat to you and wish you good luck.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,729
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jul 28, 2018 20:13:22 GMT
I'm so sorry, really I am. That is SO HARD.
I hope I'm not treading on any toes, but have you tried/could you try a local church? They may have volunteers who would be willing to keep him company while you have a break, even if it's only half an hour or an hour. Good luck.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jul 28, 2018 20:32:55 GMT
Is there any way his insurance can cover some sort of respite care, so someone (a nurse, etc.) can come stay with him periodically to give you a break? Look into this first thing Monday morning!! It is time to be assertive in seeking help. All those friends who have said they would help--Call one of them and say, "I really need 30 minutes to an hour alone. Can you come on ___ and you supply the date and time." If they say no, then do your best to pin the person down to a particular day. Then repeat with friend #2 for another day. Great idea! You need help and NOW!! Remember mom needs the oxygen mask first to be able to help the kids!! |
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Post by papersilly on Jul 28, 2018 20:35:23 GMT
don't forget to take care of yourself too. being a caregiver is emotionally and physically demanding so you need to take some time for yourself to recharge. stay strong!
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,613
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Post by maurchclt on Jul 28, 2018 20:39:27 GMT
Wow, just sending hugs. My mom had a stroke, so have an understanding of what you are dealing with. But you DO need help and have every right to ask for some. Lots of really good suggestions on here, hope some if them.work for you.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 28, 2018 21:05:31 GMT
Did you say you work at the same company?
Call his boss and ask for volunteers.
I do admire what you have done and continue to do.
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dianet
One Post Wonder
Posts: 1
Jul 27, 2018 22:17:52 GMT
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Post by dianet on Jul 28, 2018 21:14:37 GMT
Sending you hugs and hoping a friend will step in. I like what someone suggested, call your friends and ask for help. I would step in, in a heartbeat if a friend asked me.
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,728
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Jul 28, 2018 22:36:45 GMT
Since you are currently turning your life upside down to accommodate him, it's the least he can do to pay for some respite for you. He needs to earn his keep. He has (had?) a job, and some of that money can go toward saving your sanity.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 28, 2018 22:50:52 GMT
I have followed your story. So when you say he doesn't understand. What exactly do you mean? I think each of us has different ...criteria for understanding things. Is this better? Does his speech therapist think he is improving?
I think you need to start looking at some long term plans. Who is his next of kin? I mean, can he live on his own? does he need a dr to stay he is incompetent? has he had any sort of testing to determine this?
What is his financial situation? and can that be used for an ALF?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 11:27:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 2:29:29 GMT
I have followed your story. So when you say he doesn't understand. What exactly do you mean? I think each of us has different ...criteria for understanding things. Is this better? Does his speech therapist think he is improving? I think you need to start looking at some long term plans. Who is his next of kin? I mean, can he live on his own? does he need a dr to stay he is incompetent? has he had any sort of testing to determine this? What is his financial situation? and can that be used for an ALF? I think that he fakes understanding so he can pass the tests his doctors give him and he is really good at it. She can’t convince the medical people that he is a huge fake. |
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Post by jenjie on Jul 29, 2018 2:42:10 GMT
I feel you. I was caregiver for someone I wanted to be with and it still got to be a lot. Does he require constant care? are you able to leave the house for an hour, to take a walk, go somewhere, or even sit in the car?
Big big hugs. This is difficult.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 29, 2018 2:44:36 GMT
You are a saint. There is simply NO WAY, NO HOW that I would be this kind to my xh.
His new wife is learning that she is/will be more of a nurse than a wife.
I know that many people tried to talk to her prior to their wedding. 2 years in and it appears to be a horror show.
ME - I would find a home that would take complete care of him. His own family doesn't want to take care of him.
Remember that being a care-giver is very difficult and wearing on your own health.
There was a reason for the divorce. Please remember the issues. Truly (imho) this isn't your issue.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 11:27:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 2:49:01 GMT
It's been 2.5 weeks and I'm definitely over it. People who know him well have all asked me if he's faking it (he is not), but that tells you what kind of a person he is. It literally never occurred to me that he's faking but it apparently occurred to nearly every person we know. The good news is he is getting better. He isn't awful at all and can do most things on his own. He can do most everything except understand. The bad news is he still has a long way to go. If he sneeze-yells one more time, I honestly do not know what I will do. He understands about 2-3% of what you say to him so me completely losing my shit and saying "STFU! STOP SNEEZE-SCREAMING" is apparently making no difference. He can't understand so he talks INCESSANTLY. He talks about three things 1) am I getting better? No I'm not? I think I am? Maybe I'm not!, 2) Look at all I can do on my app (he wrote an app and works on it) and 3) I'm not getting better. Do you think I'm getting better? How am I getting better? I have charts so he can see his progress. Apps that he does to get better also chart his progress, but he still asks incessantly. The first 100 times you feel sorry for him, but by the 10,000th time, you do not. He asks questions that require detailed responses that he cannot understand. Getting him to do anything is so frustrating because he questions everything and understands nothing. Yesterday, I didn't think I'd manage, but that was a full week of work and dealing with him. Today I feel a bit better, but tired and frustrated. People (these are all my friends and not his -he doesn't have any) ask what they can do and I am honest. I say, please talk to him or take him out for even 30 mns. Everyone says yes, but no one does it. That's what I need. I need him away from me for a while. It will never be enough, but I can't stand it anymore. One of my co-workers suggested I ride bikes with him. I nearly took her head off. I take him to speech 3x/week, work with him for speech 14x/week, deal with all his bills and insurance and work stuff, take him swimming each night AND do my own day-to-day stuff and she thinks I should ride bikes with him. I suggested she do so. She is too busy to commit right now. While I get that, shut up about what I should do. People say stuff and don't do it, and I get that. I'm not going to harp on that but I still need to stay sane. I do go in my room a bit, but it's not enough. Here is my question. Is there something that I can do to stay sane?
Start figuring out the long term plan for if this is as good as it gets. You are divorced for a reason. Remember that reason and find another living arrangement for him. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 11:27:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 3:26:00 GMT
What is his motivation for getting "well" and moving out?
Right now, you are handing his life like a wife... cleaning, cooking, laundry, bill paying, chauffeuring plus you aren't nagging at him about chores he could do.... what in his life about having you around is inconvenience enough to have HIM want to move on himself? Instead of figuring out how to stay sane now, you really need to start talking about the long term end care. You aren't his wife. There are no vows "through sickness"
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Post by mom2samlibby on Jul 29, 2018 4:48:07 GMT
I must have missed why you are caring for him. He's your ex. Does he have insurance? Can you take him to adult day care. Again, why are you the one doing all this?
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,861
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Post by tracylynn on Jul 29, 2018 7:00:56 GMT
I agree with some of the others ... exactly why are you doing this? You need to find a way to walk away from this. You do not owe him anything. It's an awful situation, but you are going to only hurt yourself by taking this all on.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 29, 2018 10:00:59 GMT
[/quote]It's been 2.5 weeks and I'm definitely over it. People who know him well have all asked me if he's faking it (he is not), but that tells you what kind of a person he is. It literally never occurred to me that he's faking but it apparently occurred to nearly every person we know.[/div][/quote] Hmmm...any chance he is faking> Start and call those friends who said they would help. Get some relief somehow OR it's time to start and transition him out of your house. He is an EX for a reason. You're going to lose your mind and SOON
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Hopefully with more time, his brain will get better.
