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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 10, 2018 11:45:33 GMT
Your situation is really quite challenging and I simply want to add my admiration for the way you have chosen to take on this responsibility that is clearly no longer yours. I'd be proud to call you friend.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 10, 2018 12:40:10 GMT
Really Red I am thinking of you this morning. How are things going?
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Post by Really Red on Aug 10, 2018 13:01:06 GMT
Really Red I am thinking of you this morning. How are things going? christine58 (tagging you because you asked on the will thread) Your situation is really quite challenging and I simply want to add my admiration for the way you have chosen to take on this responsibility that is clearly no longer yours. I'd be proud to call you friend. Thank you all. I'm okay. Fridays are never my favorite because it's a build-up from trying to balance work and the endless phone calls. This week was better because the speech therapist was on vacation and I just did speech myself. No running back and forth to appointments. My son is home next week so he'll take him to his appointments and then I'm on my own and that's when I worry the most. I tell myself I will do three things for my ex each day. I mean three phone calls on his behalf, or work on his payments and whatever comes my way. Sometimes the three things take less than one hour, but mostly they take about 3-4 hours on average. The phone calls are just the worst. I was giving myself a break on Tuesday night because I had a lot of real work and I got home and my 21yo daughter called. Her wallet had been stolen a couple weeks prior. Wells Fargo then issued her a "new" card that turned out to be her old number. She didn't realize. She activated it, used it and deposited her entire summer work check - $4500 - and WF can't find anything. She didn't want to bother me and made an appt to see someone at WF. They made her come back for a different appointment and then made her wait 1.25 hours all to tell her they accidentally issued her the wrong card and they'd figure it out in 10 business days. In the meantime, they said, tell your work to void the check and reissue you a new one. What the ever lovin heck? So I spent my night on the phone for that one. She did everything she could and I think people take advantage of young people. My daughter looks very young - she is small and slight. In any case, here it is Friday and nothing has been resolved. I am super frustrated as some of that money is mine (I had to upfront her rent to her because her company had a problem with the check issuing). FWIW, I had the same resolution as she did, unfortunately. My point is not to depend on any free time! I am trying to spend my down time reading instead of vegging out in front of the TV. I do get about 30 mns of reading time daily so that is great. I wish it were more. Fortunately, my ex does not need me to help him with things. I am so lucky about that one. I do have to cook for him, but he can make himself a sandwich and he has cereal for breakfast. But I do not enjoy making dinner every day!! Plus - and this is super small of me - my son and I rearranged our house about 6 months ago and put a couch in the kitchen nook, where a table often goes. We don't need two tables, so we just use the dining room or island to eat. We LOVE that couch in the nook. My son will lie there and talk with me while I'm at the island or I'll sit there and read. We use it to pieces. And now he is there ALL.THE.TIME. I try not to think about it, but I literally want to throw that couch away when he leaves and buy another one just for me, but I even feel like he's stolen that spot's happiness for me. I'm sure a therapist would not be hard-pressed to figure this one out. Well, you guys are GREAT to vent to! You just sit and listen so well! And now off to work. Last day!
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,729
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Aug 10, 2018 13:49:44 GMT
Just wanted to say that I hope you have a good Friday, and you can find some joy in the world today. I don't think I could do what you are doing. Hugs...
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Post by christine58 on Aug 10, 2018 14:17:14 GMT
Really Red I hope things get better ASAP....Have any of his family called to check on him??? Buy him a one way ticket?? Joking
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 10, 2018 15:35:21 GMT
I love your comment that we all just "sit and listen"! You still have a great sense of humor, thank goodness.
You know what, you SHOULD plan to replace the couch in the kitchen nook when your Ex is gone. That will be your reward to yourself. Redecorate that area in something fabulous that you love.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 10, 2018 16:15:17 GMT
But I do not enjoy making dinner every day!! You do NOT have to cook dinner every night! Try soup and sandwich he can make. Or freeze an extra meal a week and use those instead for a night off...... Let him buy dinner, order in!
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 10, 2018 16:36:16 GMT
From reading your posts I think you're wonderful to take him in like this. That he doesn't have any friends speaks volumes about him. My first instinct was to foist him on the woman that he was supporting, but he is your children's father. Sending him to his family is perfectly acceptable. You are his ex-wife and they have him forever. At this point, I would encourage you to focus on an exit plan. Just because he had a stroke doesn't mean he's suddenly a nice guy. He's still the same man, just disabled. It's ok to find him a group home now. You don't have to wait 6 months. This is about what's best for you and your kids. He made his choices long ago and must live w/the consequences.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Aug 10, 2018 17:44:08 GMT
I love your comment that we all just "sit and listen"! You still have a great sense of humor, thank goodness. You know what, you SHOULD plan to replace the couch in the kitchen nook when your Ex is gone. That will be your reward to yourself. Redecorate that area in something fabulous that you love. Oh yes on the new couch!!! The Peas will even help pick it out. I think it's a fantastic light to have at the end of your tunnel.
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Post by clarencelynn on Aug 11, 2018 1:29:08 GMT
Really Red, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been in your situation with my DH. He had a stroke almost two years ago and it affected his speech and comprehension. The first 2 months after his stroke were horrible. He couldn't understand anything spoken and did just a touch better with written words (short lists like you mention). He went to speech therapy and that did help but there were only 12 sessions that insurance would cover. I'm going to ask his neurologist if she can 'prescribe' another session of speech therapy or some other therapy to see if it can help. The good news is that his comprehension has improved, to an extent. He understands spoken word a lot better, probably at about a 70% comprehension (in my unofficial, non-medical opinion). His speech has improved and he's probably at about 80% correct work usage. He also will send me texts/say things where I have to decipher the meaning and he often uses words that make me laugh (not to his face, of course.) One example, the other night he said in passing, "I see you're on the yarn again." I was knitting. I about bust a gut trying not to ROFL. He made it seem like knitting was some new drug I was on.... Anyway, I digress. Though I take care oh DH's medicine regiment, provide food, cleaning, etc. and act very much like his 'mother,' but if push came to shove, he could live on his own and survive. I'm glad to know you have a timeline for how long your XDH will stay with you and I hope my above comments help with the idea that he will probably improve and be able to live independently (or at least not with you). It just takes time for the brain to rewire and find new ways of working. The fact that he's still able to work on his apps and make progress on them is very encouraging to hear. My DH is not able to return to his career (IT network administrator) as his comprehension and ability to multi-task is too diminished. He could probably do another type of work but he refused to consider anything, but that is another story for another time. Stay strong and try to remember to care for yourself.
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ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,037
Location: Valley of the Sun
Jul 26, 2014 21:02:07 GMT
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Aug 11, 2018 2:25:51 GMT
Plus - and this is super small of me - my son and I rearranged our house about 6 months ago and put a couch in the kitchen nook, where a table often goes. We don't need two tables, so we just use the dining room or island to eat. We LOVE that couch in the nook. My son will lie there and talk with me while I'm at the island or I'll sit there and read. We use it to pieces. And now he is there ALL.THE.TIME. I try not to think about it, but I literally want to throw that couch away when he leaves and buy another one just for me, but I even feel like he's stolen that spot's happiness for me. I'm sure a therapist would not be hard-pressed to figure this one out. You should totally get a new couch when this is all said and done. A fabulous couch that is a fabulous color and ridiculously comfortable. You’ve at least earned that—plus some more!
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 11, 2018 2:51:34 GMT
Plus - and this is super small of me - my son and I rearranged our house about 6 months ago and put a couch in the kitchen nook, where a table often goes. We don't need two tables, so we just use the dining room or island to eat. We LOVE that couch in the nook. My son will lie there and talk with me while I'm at the island or I'll sit there and read. We use it to pieces. And now he is there ALL.THE.TIME. I try not to think about it, but I literally want to throw that couch away when he leaves and buy another one just for me, but I even feel like he's stolen that spot's happiness for me. I'm sure a therapist would not be hard-pressed to figure this one out. You should totally get a new couch when he leaves. Make it your own again because you deserve it.
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Post by Belia on Aug 11, 2018 4:52:43 GMT
Holy hell I'll chip in a few bucks for a new couch for you! Don't sweat that detail AT ALL.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 11, 2018 10:39:03 GMT
Holy hell I'll chip in a few bucks for a new couch for you! Don't sweat that detail AT ALL. That might be the "funnest" pea fundraiser of all time! I'm in.
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Post by uksue on Aug 11, 2018 10:48:09 GMT
Holy hell I'll chip in a few bucks for a new couch for you! Don't sweat that detail AT ALL. That might be the "funnest" pea fundraiser of all time! I'm in. that seriously would be great ! Let's fundraise for a couch!
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 11, 2018 11:28:39 GMT
That might be the "funnest" pea fundraiser of all time! I'm in. that seriously would be great ! Let's fundraise for a couch! I'm in. I LOVE my Peas.
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Post by Really Red on Aug 11, 2018 14:48:28 GMT
I LOVE you guys !!! Honestly, all day yesterday I thought about what you said and as I came home and saw him on my couch, I thought "the Peas are right!" (why did I ever doubt??) I am going to get a new couch!! That did make me feel better. It honestly didn't occur to me. clarencelynn thank you for sharing your story. Because my ex is IT as well, I'm not certain he's going to ever be healthy enough to work again. It makes me sick to think of it, but I am glad your DH is understanding a lot. christine58 His mom calls when I call her to ask her to call him. That is it. I am not going to blame the others; I am not. My ex is too self-centered and good on them for not getting involved. They write me emails or text me. I had a bad day yesterday. I came home early from work and caught him on the phone with the bad person (TBP). TBP is one in a long line of bad people (BP) my ex thinks he can change. But other BP have contacted my kids and me in the past and that is NOT an element I want in my life or in my house. My ex is literally flabbergasted at the thought this would bother me. I don't know if he doesn't remember what bad things he did to me or what other BP who he supported did to my kids and me, but I was LIVID. I wrote and rewrote things on the whiteboard and he looked at me with total confusion and said "Don't you think people can change?" I said "that is NOT the point. The point is TBP has been in jail 3 times this past year and is 6 mos clean. That is not enough AND it was one of my conditions of you living here." Needless to say, it took pantomime, drawing and writing for him to understand about half of this. Ex told me how great TBP's family is and how they love him. I wrote $$$ on the whiteboard and it was like I stabbed him with a knife. He said "You think they want my money? I never thought about that." I mean WTF?! How can he be so unbelievably naive? What 26yo wants a man 30 years older? It disgusts me. In all, it was a very, very bad day. I am going to keep him maximum 6 months. There is zero doubt in my mind about that. I'd like to get him out sooner, but I also need him better. I have 3 kids in college this year and I still need the child support. Thank you all for your continued support!!!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 11, 2018 14:59:36 GMT
Are you sure it's the stroke that's affecting his ability to understand? Has he always sort of been like that? It sounds like it.
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Post by KelleeM on Aug 11, 2018 15:04:38 GMT
I’m with the raising funds for a new couch crowd! I totally understand how you feel about him taking away your happy spot in your home. Definitely get a new couch!
You’re doing so much for him, as well as for your kids. I really hope you get a break soon.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 11, 2018 16:17:35 GMT
christine58 His mom calls when I call her to ask her to call him. That is it. I am not going to blame the others; I am not. My ex is too self-centered and good on them for not getting involved. They write me emails or text me. I hope that you got through to him about TBP.....let's hope they don't show up at your house. Here's hoping it's less than 6 months~~ Is his job being held for him??
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,316
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 12, 2018 5:01:10 GMT
IMHO a new sofa is the absolute least her EX-HUSBAND should do for her in appreciation for the sacrifices she's making to accomodate him post-stroke. ... christine58 His mom calls when I call her to ask her to call him. That is it. I am not going to blame the others; I am not. My ex is too self-centered and good on them for not getting involved. They write me emails or text me. I had a bad day yesterday. I came home early from work and caught him on the phone with the bad person (TBP)...I was LIVID..."AND it was one of my conditions of you living here." ...I am going to keep him maximum 6 months. There is zero doubt in my mind about that. I'd like to get him out sooner, but I also need him better. I have 3 kids in college this year and I still need the child support. While I still do not understand the reason you felt obligated/insisted on being responsible for your ex-husband's care, rather than leaving it to his adult children &/or parents/siblings to provide/arrange, in the first place, it seems he has already violated your house rules. Despite his incapacities, he continues to prove these "BP" in his life are more important than you & your generosity. IMHO he should be out of your house next week! If not, then you should expect, & not be upset since you're allowing it now, if his violations of your house rules continue & possibly escalate in the future. Please prioritize & protect you, your children, & your home.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 12, 2018 10:19:18 GMT
While I still do not understand the reason you felt obligated/insisted on being responsible for your ex-husband's care, rather than leaving it to his adult children &/or parents/siblings to provide/arrange, in the first place, They live in another country. Their children are not on their own (two in college and one at home).
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