|
Post by dewryce on Sept 25, 2018 14:18:45 GMT
I'm going to be 100% honest...I do not want an obese spouse and I do not want to be obese myself. If you're not attracted to your partner, your marriage is affected whether we like to admit that or not.The two of us always seem to be about the same level so if one of us is chubby or fit and thin so is the other. Therefore it's never been an issue in my marriage. Would I still love him if he gained 200 lbs? Yes, but I generally don't find that attractive and it would be an issue. Some big guys carry it well so maybe I'd still find him attractive but I doubt it. I appreciate what you're saying. Some people though, are still physically attracted to their spouses even if they are obese.
|
|
scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,792
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
|
Post by scrappert on Sept 25, 2018 14:36:18 GMT
I haven't read the article nor have I read all the comments.
This is a tough discussion because how do you approach telling your SO that you think they are gaining too much weight and expect them to be ok with that? Especially someone who has struggled with weight in the past? I suppose instead of actually saying it, you could start something on your own (making healthier dinners, less snacks in the house, start walking more and invite them along). I don't know, that is just a tough area.
I had a great compliment from SO the other day and I don't think he is/was even aware of it. He said that I am still the same size I was when we met. I am not, I am bigger - about 2 sizes bigger, but in his eyes I am still the same.
I think if you truly love someone, the sickness and in health, good times and bad, weight won't be an issue. You love that person for who they are, not what they look like. And I suppose it would also depend on what kind of weight gain, a few pounds or hundreds?
|
|
|
Post by mustlovecats on Sept 25, 2018 16:20:41 GMT
I'm going to be 100% honest...I do not want an obese spouse and I do not want to be obese myself. If you're not attracted to your partner, your marriage is affected whether we like to admit that or not.The two of us always seem to be about the same level so if one of us is chubby or fit and thin so is the other. Therefore it's never been an issue in my marriage. Would I still love him if he gained 200 lbs? Yes, but I generally don't find that attractive and it would be an issue. Some big guys carry it well so maybe I'd still find him attractive but I doubt it. I appreciate what you're saying. Some people though, are still physically attracted to their spouses even if they are obese. My husband and I both have some squish going on and we both find each other attractive. He is my sweet chunk o’ hunk and I have found him attractive all along.
|
|
|
Post by aljack on Sept 25, 2018 18:50:45 GMT
What the ?? This sets me off into anger. Complete rage that she is being fat shamed and she has to lose weight to be considered worthy of half the house. Society has a serious need to wake up and stop the fat shaming. We have become more socially accepting of cultures, races, and disabilities but continue to shame those for excess weight. Nope nope nope. Plus, I imagine most states would states she is entitled to half of the house despite his attempt to keep her off the deed. What a piece of work he is. Dr. Laura is an idiot.
|
|
|
Post by Katie on Sept 25, 2018 19:06:42 GMT
This is quite timely because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I will honestly say that DH has said that he would love it if I lost weight. I could stand to lose 20-30 lbs. This has come up with DH not bec he makes his wishes known frequently but bec we’ve had some very open, heart wrenching conversations in the past and it was brought up then. DH is never negative, unkind or mean about it though. If I bring it up he always offers his encouragement and says that he’ll pay for a trainer or whatever I want. I would love to lose weight but I haven’t been ‘working on it’ lately but it is always on my mind(ugh!). That’s mostly bec of my desire but knowing DHs desire for it too does affect me. I’m torn on my feelings about this. He just wants what I want, he’s never pushing or saying anything about it but I know it’s there. Then again he should just love me how I am but again I don’t think it’s wrong for him to want me like I was in the past. I’m very conflicted and frustrated with this whole topic. Can you tell? Lol eta: DH really doesn’t need to lose any weight so this is def one sided. This is me, exactly. Since we married 23 years ago I have gained well over 100 lbs. DH always came at it from a point of being concerned about my health, especially when my weight required me to start in blood pressure medication. At my heaviest last year, he bought me diet pills from GNC. He instantly knew that was NOT loving and supportive, and we had a massive fight as a result. I’m still bitter about that, quite honestly. I do have health issues that require me to keep my weight under control, and this year I made the decision ON MY OWN to get it under control. I have lost 55 lbs and have another 50 to go. Meanwhile, he is gaining and feeling like a slug. I never felt obligated to stay a certain weight to please DH. He prefers my hair super long but I do not, and it’s not a flattering look on me, so I style it how I like it. And, he is fine with it. The weight was a different story, because I was making horrible decisions and I was self-sabotaging. So I feel in situations it is acceptable for a spouse to say something, but not in a demanding manner. It was NOT part of my wedding vows to look a certain way for my spouse!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 18:37:57 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2018 19:34:10 GMT
Interesting topic.......... I've been rail-thin (too thin) since the day I was born until the day I had babies. I slowly gained weight and ballooned up to a size 20 (from my normal 0 or 2). I remained at that larger size after going on many, many diets, 'failing' so many of them and feeling defeated. My day would revolve around being "good" or "bad" with regard to food. It was so time-consuming!
As far as my now ex-DH back then, he liked me thin (I suppose because I was so very tiny when we met, and he was short and thin). The compliments would stop the heavier I got. It was tough..... yet I found the positive in myself, always! I looked as good as I could and was as healthy as I could be.
I finally had a vivid dream of what it felt like to be thin again! VIVID!!! I woke up and couldn't wait to get dressed and get to Jenny Craig to try again. I somehow knew that this time would sink in. DH was against it. "It's a WASTE of money! You don't have time to go!".......... Well, I did go and I DID succeed. The one on one sessions not only helped me deal with food and with my self-esteem, but they changed my life entirely!!! I did it for ME! I did it to have more energy for my children. DH thought it was for him when I was done. It was all a turning point.
We divorced and I dated a few guys. I dated some who were 15 years younger than I was! Suddenly, tons of people wanted to talk to me or be nice to me, when I was really invisible being heavy! THAT was when I needed help physically, and got none. It's shallow, but people are indeed nicer to you when you're thinner.
I dated my (now)DH. He's a big guy---he's 6'1" and about 236 lbs. When we met, he was closer to 272 lbs but I cleaned up his diet and got him healthier........ I have to say that he likes me when I'm on the thinner side. Even 5 lbs with me makes a huge difference now, but DH likes me looking thin. I haven't gone beyond 130 since I reached my goal in 2002. I'm about 122 daily and it's fine.
I don't think that either husband's views on my weight affected my gains or losses. It's ME who matters. I lost the weight and got ahold of my health for ME and especially for my children. Actually, I behave strangely when people refer to me as 'pretty' or anything like that. I don't deal with it well. I like looking put-together every day, for me. I love fashion, etc.......... but it's never for someone else. Hope that makes sense.
|
|
|
Post by scrappintoee on Sept 25, 2018 19:36:46 GMT
Once I have a chance to read this entire thread, I will add my thoughts. This is a verrrry relevant topic for me !!!!!
|
|
M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
|
Post by M in Carolina on Sept 25, 2018 21:32:26 GMT
That's a very interesting article. I saw a Reddit thread about a woman who's mother had been fat-shamed by a doctor at an urgent care clinic. So she wrote a Dear John letter to the doctor on the subreddit. People kept saying that the doctor was well within his rights to shame her. Despite it being urgent care, and the woman went there for a UTI. What many people said is that it's simple physics: Calories in<than calories burned. So, so, so untrue. I think in a few years science will prove how much the intestinal biome influences weight. Plus hormones. I know I gained the most weight I ever did after going on Depo-Provera. I also got sick when I got married and gained like 20lbs in less than a week. It was crazy.
Rob has never said a mean word about my weight. It was hard for him to understand how difficult it was to lose weight since he was such a string bean. Then he gained a lot of weight after his whole hemorrhage and chronic pain ordeal.
I also think depression has a lot to do with weight gain. Medication changes definitely affect weight and your ability to lose it.
Dr. Laura is a huge hypocrite. It's just like her to focus on the weight instead of the real issue that the husband was finding an excuse to try to steal from his wife. My guess is that he's cheating and about to run away and divorce her.
|
|
|
Post by dewryce on Sept 25, 2018 21:38:02 GMT
M in Carolina DepoProvera is evil. One of my doctors told me she wouldn't prescribe it. That it seemed to take any slight hormonal issue and ratchet it way up. Another close friend of the family had the same experience I did. Huge immediate weight gain and could not get it off. eta: ha, you moved! New photo, new location, hope all is well
|
|
M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
|
Post by M in Carolina on Sept 25, 2018 21:42:03 GMT
I'm on the flip side of this topic- BF is overweight, diabetic, eats TERRIBLY... It's not about vanity or attraction. I can see the issues he has that could be remedied with dietary/lifestyle changes. I've asked him to eat a certain way with me (Keto right now), because I want to lose weight too. He seems to be trying. I haven't put it to him as an ultimatum, but I'm considering it. I am not willing to watch him self destruct. I don't want to be 'the law' or his mommy/nutritionist. I don't accept him, warts and all, when he's so self-destructive. And I feel like a bad person because of it. He has never asked me to change a damn thing about myself, and I'm far from perfect. Can I justify my feelings? It's a bad idea to try to change people. I'm old enough to know better. I think there's a difference between changing people and not wanting to sit there and watch them kill themselves. I had to have that conversation with Rob. I absolutely know what it's like to want to gain weight and not be able to. A year or so ago Rob was not eating well at all. He wasn't trying to lose weight, and I was very concerned. So I sat down with him and had a difficult conversation. He's been exercising and has lost a lot of weight. Expecting someone to be or stay at a certain weight or range isn't reasonable. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to take care of themselves.
|
|
|
Post by ladytrisha on Sept 25, 2018 22:20:59 GMT
Very touchy subject for me - but with nothing to lose, here goes.
I've had 3 weight loss surgeries (including a revision). I'm also a surgery failure so yup, I'm morbidly obese again (still?).
I was doing well, felt great, got a new job (over 50 no less), and for a couple of years, it was great! Then boom, the alzheimer's/court crap with his mother started and stress eating took over. I've joined and rejoined WW a few times - none successful. I look at the scale (and me in a mirror) and I keep going "how the hell did this happen again". My primary care wants me to have another surgery and I'm absolutely gun shy because I know it's not "the" answer, and yet I think "why not?".
We just celebrated our 38th and I think we are close to a crossroads (which I sorta haven't told anyone because the illusion is that we're great) His knee blew out 3 years ago - lost job, career and desire all in the period of 6 months. So now he's the "hunky house husband". I *thought* he was gearing up to get back to work, but all he's done is fill out an online app for Costco and nothing else. Now he says his other knee hurts and he's seeing the same ortho guy next week to see if he gets another new knee. He *can* work - but he doesn't want to go back into his career field (there are options he'd be good at), but it's a non-starter. So, since he's home, he's now the full-time cook and food shopper because I'm not doing it after working all day. Recently, dropped on me is that I'm not attractive at this weight (seriously, duh) but then he comes home from Costco with boxes of drumsticks, makes all things baked, and instead of planning out healthy menus, goes for BBQ ribs or burgers. And yes, he has always sabotaged any weight loss success.
I have a 75-90 min. commute each way to work and end up at home worn out and I'm the sole breadwinner now (no pressure). He says "you need to move" but it doesn't feel like it's from a loving place at all. The fact he had a gym membership that he never used (that should have been cancelled is the icing on top). He complains if I walk that I'm not fast enough or not far enough. I can't keep up with him normally as he's 6'5 and I'm 5'5 ... and his easy walking gait isn't for me).
So I get frustrated and pissed off and internalize everything as I've done since I was a small kid - and the cycle goes on. This was also my life growing up with my Dad - seriously stop telling your kid she has a "nice face".
Resentment is starting to steadily increase - is THIS what he thinks I'm going to do until I get to retire? He's going to his 40th reunion next month - alone. He's volunteered to make stuff for it ... with money I earn (yup, touchy subject as well).
It's just the stepping up and starting that seems to be the hardest part because a big part of me doesn't want him to know that I'm trying because it feels like he waits for me to fail. ugh. My sister has asked me to meet her in January in Texas to surprise my Mom - from what I can piece together, her marriage has hit bumps as well. He notices her weight gain as well - and ignores his own. I'm not sure where to find the strength because tossing in the towel seems a doable option.
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Sept 25, 2018 22:36:48 GMT
i've weighed 50lbs more than DH and now i weight at least 50lbs less.
|
|
|
Post by tracyarts on Sept 25, 2018 22:39:04 GMT
The way fat people are treated by some medical professionals goes beyond unprofessional. I have very good doctors, but still have panic attacks sometimes when I have to see them. For a while after a particularly bad hospital stay, I had to take a xanax just be able to make myself go through with routine follow ups with doctors I've been seeing for years. I definitely put off necessary medical care out of fear of being treated as less than or even being treated in an abusive manner.
|
|
|
Post by mygigiscraps on Sept 25, 2018 23:32:48 GMT
My ex-husband used to call me fat ass at least once a week. It's one of the many reasons that he's my EX-husband. I was nowhere near overweight at that time, but it did such a number on my self-esteem that I developed severe anxiety and wouldn't even wear shorts, sleeveless tops, or a swimsuit for about 20 years.
My current husband is awesome, loving, and supportive. He calls me pretty every time I dress up and we go out. Heck, he does it sometimes on days when we are outside sweating and working in the yard. He honestly doesn't care what I weigh. It's made a huge difference in how I feel about myself.
Whether you are up or down 50 pounds, you gotta rock what you got. Wearing clothes that make you feel pretty, having a haircut you love, taking time with your makeup, or even a pretty pair of shoes can absolutely make a big difference in how you carry yourself, and it really shows. Love YOU. Love the you that you are today. Don't wait to do great things for the you that you hope to be tomorrow. She's the same woman.
I am guessing that Dr. Laura gives advice to Gwyneth Paltrow. It would explain so much...
|
|
|
Post by dewryce on Sept 25, 2018 23:34:55 GMT
My ex-husband used to call me fat ass at least once a week. It's one of the many reasons that he's my EX-husband. I was nowhere near overweight at that time, but it did such a number on my self-esteem that I developed severe anxiety and wouldn't even wear shorts, sleeveless tops, or a swimsuit for about 20 years. My current husband is awesome, loving, and supportive. He calls me pretty every time I dress up and we go out. Heck, he does it sometimes on days when we are outside sweating and working in the yard. He honestly doesn't care what I weigh. It's made a huge difference in how I feel about myself. Whether you are up or down 50 pounds, you gotta rock what you got. Wearing clothes that make you feel pretty, having a haircut you love, taking time with your makeup, or even a pretty pair of shoes can absolutely make a big difference in how you carry yourself, and it really shows. Love YOU. Love the you that you are today. Don't wait to do great things for the you that you hope to be tomorrow. She's the same woman.I am guessing that Dr. Laura gives advice to Gwyneth Paltrow. It would explain so much... I love this! Im sorry about your ex and glad he's an ex. And I understand. My dad made just a few remarks that I've never gotten over, hearing it constantly would have been horrible.
|
|
|
Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Sept 25, 2018 23:51:10 GMT
Very touchy subject for me - but with nothing to lose, here goes. I just wanted to let you know someone 'heard' you and sends you some love and support.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 25, 2018 23:56:16 GMT
|
|
|
Post by mygigiscraps on Sept 26, 2018 0:28:40 GMT
Ladytricia, that's a crappy situation all the way around. My heart goes out to you.
|
|
sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
|
Post by sharlag on Sept 26, 2018 1:48:56 GMT
I'm on the flip side of this topic- BF is overweight, diabetic, eats TERRIBLY... It's not about vanity or attraction. I can see the issues he has that could be remedied with dietary/lifestyle changes. I've asked him to eat a certain way with me (Keto right now), because I want to lose weight too. He seems to be trying. I haven't put it to him as an ultimatum, but I'm considering it. I am not willing to watch him self destruct. I don't want to be 'the law' or his mommy/nutritionist. I don't accept him, warts and all, when he's so self-destructive. And I feel like a bad person because of it. He has never asked me to change a damn thing about myself, and I'm far from perfect. Can I justify my feelings? It's a bad idea to try to change people. I'm old enough to know better. I think there's a difference between changing people and not wanting to sit there and watch them kill themselves. I had to have that conversation with Rob. I absolutely know what it's like to want to gain weight and not be able to. A year or so ago Rob was not eating well at all. He wasn't trying to lose weight, and I was very concerned. So I sat down with him and had a difficult conversation. He's been exercising and has lost a lot of weight. Expecting someone to be or stay at a certain weight or range isn't reasonable. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to take care of themselves. Thanks for saying this!
|
|
|
Post by karinec on Sept 26, 2018 2:28:22 GMT
@merge thank you for your post, I really identify with what you said.
With the exception of my first real boyfriend, the men in my life have rarely if ever commented on my weight. I wouldn’t be interested in them if I felt I had to live up to a certain physical ideal. I put enough pressure on myself, thankyouverymuch. Physical attraction is great but it’s meant to lead to something deeper IMHO. My self esteem was too hard won to give up for someone who is supposed to care about me for everything that I am, not just select parts of me.
And I can’t believe there are people out there still listening to Dr Laura.
|
|