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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 22, 2018 18:02:37 GMT
8 years ago I lost 80 lbs. I had hoped for another 20 but I was content where I was. That's when I met my DH. About a year ago I was having a lot of trouble controlling my mania. My medicine had stopped working and I went to my psych right away. We talked about all the medicines I have taken in the past and she basically said I have two choices for you: Zyprexa or Lithium. Well lithium scares the pants off me so I said let's try zyprexa. She said, I'll warn you almost everybody on it gains weight. I decided fat and happy were better than thin and crazy so I went for it. It did a great job of controlling my mania but pushed me right into a depression. Life was quite hard too. And so, the result of all these factors, I gained 45 pounds. Last week I came across this article. It's very long but very interesting: highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/After reading it I just felt so bad for obese people that hear negative things about their weight from their partners. It's bad enough that society wreaks havoc on the minds of fat people, to hear it at home too just breaks my heart. My DH has never uttered a negative word about my weight. Yesterday I listened to a Dr. Laura podcast. A caller said she was a stay at home mom and her DH controlled all the finances. They had just bought a new home and her DH didn't put her name on the house. He said, I will put your name on the house if you lose 40 pounds! Dr Laura's response was, I don't know if that's legal but I certainly support him doing it. You made vows and promises and you have changed in a profound way. He doesn't like it. So either you lose the weight or you lose out on your rights to the house. I was 100% shocked. I thought about this yesterday. My DH married me a certain weight. I am now significantly heavier. The article above that had made me feel a little better about myself last week was pretty much shattered yesterday when I got to thinking that my DH might very well be disappointed in me but not saying anything. I know the article is long but if you have the time, give it a read, especially if you are overweight. It might make you look at yourself a little differently. I know Dr Laura is out there with a lot of her beliefs but it left me wondering...do you feel an obligation to your spouse to maintain a certain weight? |
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Post by SockMonkey on Sept 22, 2018 18:07:01 GMT
Dr. Laura is trash.
I feel an obligation to MYSELF to take good care of my health and myself. Do I slip? For sure. But my vows and promises included "in sickness and in health, in good times and bad." My marriage vows are based on love and mutual respect, not on a weight contract.
She can fuck right off.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 10:13:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2018 18:10:54 GMT
Dr Laura should fucking follow what she preaches.
And that caller should should run for the hills, she is never going to measure up to that scumbag she married.
Your husband loves you for you. You change for yourself and he gets to enjoy the the results.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 22, 2018 18:14:38 GMT
The article I linked was very good about how we should focus on health, not weight. But the point was in the article something like 80% of women have had weight shaming comments from their spouses. Hate Dr Laura all you want but combined with the statistic from the article, I think there maybe a lot more husband's thinking like her than we think. That was the point.
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Post by dewryce on Sept 22, 2018 18:15:36 GMT
I agree with SockMonkey. Flip the situation. Would you even consider keeping your spouse off of the deed because he was overweight? My DH is concerned about my health. But my being fat in general? He caresses my fat belly just as lovingly as he does my tatas. I'll go read the article, thanks! |
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,731
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Sept 22, 2018 18:16:35 GMT
What the fuck does protecting her financial security have to do with her weight. He's her husband, for chrissake, not her keeper. Dr. Laura can go fuck herself.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 22, 2018 18:17:43 GMT
And SockMonkey you have the right attitude. You do it for you. And that's what we all need to do. But I think that many of us are so busy doing everything else in our lives for others we don't always do a lot for ourselves. |
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,417 
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Post by YooHoot on Sept 22, 2018 18:18:17 GMT
really wishes we had a middle finger emoji to use
Why is that woman still voicing her ridiculous opinions?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 22, 2018 18:19:29 GMT
I am feeling like maybe I shouldn't have even mentioned her name because really I wanted to have a much deeper discussion about weight and how it affects our thinking about ourselves and how our DH might be thinking or responding to a significant weight gain.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Sept 22, 2018 18:20:31 GMT
I don't feel an obligation to maintain the same weight any more than I feel an obligation to keep the same hair colour, or wear the same clothes, or listen to the same music. People change and evolve and part of being someone's partner is (for us) to love each other unconditionally. My OH was on a strict fasting diet when we met, he has now stopped that and put on some weight. I have had a double mastectomy. My value is not connected to my size or my appearance, and he truly makes me feel that every day. I hope that I do the same for him. I don't know who Dr Laura is but she sounds like a total bitch, and that's totally unfair of her to say that to the lady. I'm not even sure how it would be legal?! When I doubt myself and my other half says something nice, he always asks me to just believe him. Like, if I say I feel ugly and he tells me I'm beautiful. And so I believe him. And it helps me stop the questioning voices in my head (you know, the ones that say he doesn't really mean it). I always get a sense from your posts that your DH is very loving and supportive. Believe him  |
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,350
Location: Dallas Texas
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Post by SabrinaP on Sept 22, 2018 18:20:36 GMT
My husband never once made a comment about my weight. I’ve pretty much been varying levels of over weight throughout our relationship ranging from slightly over weight in college to morbidly obese. I’ve lost 85 pounds in the last 16 months. I’m still technically over weight with probably about 20 pounds to lose. DH thinks I’m perfect and literally cannot imagine that I have another 20 pounds to lose.
My DH is my biggest cheerleader but I did it for me. He also needs to lose weight. We just had a conversation today that fasting (that’s what I do) wasn’t working for him. He tried it for a few months and has decided to try something else. I supported him and told him he’s just got to find what works for him. Every body is different. Fasting and low carb has just been the right formula for me.
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Deleted
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May 10, 2024 10:13:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2018 18:23:49 GMT
No. I'm slimmer than when I met my husband. I developed problems with eating solid food after we met and it's really difficult to maintain weight on a liquid diet. He understands my problem and loves me no matter what weight I am. Anyone that holds weight over your head and uses it to control or manipulate is a sack of shit as far as I'm concerned.
Men have way more of a tendency to go bald than women, should we be so disappointed if they lose a bit of hair that we lose all respect and love for them till they grow it back? Appearances change in all sorts of ways, it's ludicrous to be disappointed when it happens to our partners.
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,731
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Sept 22, 2018 18:25:00 GMT
But I feel that the husband is a complete asshole for trying to control her via finances. That's not a marriage partnership between people who love and care about each other. He's not worried about her health if he's willing to cut her out of the finances. If he has a problem with her weight, then it's his problem to solve. If she wants to lose weight, that's up to her. If he hates her weight so much that he no longer wants her as a partner, then man up and deal with it. He's playing control games with her, and that's not going to solve anything. She needs support and love to live her healthiest life, whether that's at 200 pounds or 120 pounds.
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Post by Chips on Sept 22, 2018 18:28:36 GMT
In my mind I can not isolate weight gaining from other things that occur in a marriage/relationship. There is so much more going on or going to happen during a marriage.
Your appearance can change in so many ways, hell I look completely different 30 years later and the thought that I would not change is impossible. People just change and no matter how noticeable that should be supported by those that hold you dearest to their heart. I can support someone not liking or loving change but it happens and as a thinking, compassionate, understanding human you have the ability to accept it and work with the change so it does not become something that hurts or destroys you or your relationship.
If a person can be so swayed or turned off by a change like a weight gain/loss that they verbally abuse you, mentally abuse you then they will be doing that to you if you change in other ways too.
Life is short and things are gonna happen that are not in your plans so surround yourself with people and thoughts that support you.
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Post by dewryce on Sept 22, 2018 18:30:31 GMT
The article I linked was very good about how we should focus on health, not weight. But the point was in the article something like 80% of women have had weight shaming comments from their spouses. Hate Dr Laura all you want but combined with the statistic from the article, I think there maybe a lot more husband's thinking like her than we think. That was the point. Maybe, but that doesn't make it right. My DH has only ever said anything about my health, never about my weight. And not out of the blue "You really need to lose weight for your health." More like when I bring it up he says "I am worried about you too, how can I help?" Or when I had less physical issues offering to go on walks or hikes with me. He cooks healthy meals, but doesn't ever give me a hard time when I "cheat." He'll offer another solution like going to buy a pear or something healthy sweet for me, or say something like "Are you sure? You've been doing really well. How about we do (whatever) and then if you still want one we will go get it." And when I am down on myself about it he points out how hard I've been working and how far I have come. He makes sure to tell me that he finds me pretty and sexy. Our conversations about my weight are nearly always started by me, always about my health (unless *I* am talking about how I am upset with how I look), and are always, always full of love, respect, concern and understanding. Never recrimination, judgement or punishment. There is a big difference between "If you lose 40 pounds I will buy you (insert fabulous thing here)" and "If you don't lose 40 pounds I will not put you on the deed to the house." Controlling asshole. I keep coming back to...flip the tables. What kind of thoughts would you have about your DH if he gained weight? Or lost his hair or became less physically attractive to you than he was when you met? Grew a pornstache and kept it even though you hated it. Stop maintaining his garden area like he did when you met? Maybe stop waxing his back. |
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,747
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Sept 22, 2018 18:30:56 GMT
My mouth literally dropped open reading that response from “Dr.” Laura. What complete garbage. And that caller’s husband is an asshole. Even if she lost weight he would find something else to control and belittle her about. Wow.
My dh is a rock star in this regard. I am the heaviest now that I’ve ever been. I was probably size 8 when I met him, been down to a size 4 and my current size 12/14- which 24 years later with vanity sizing is quite a bit more. Getting older, having no time, and an office job where I’m always sitting can do that. Oh yeah- and my love of chips and sugar. Dh has never said a word in 24 years of marriage. But he is getting chunkier, too, and I haven’t commented either.
I do feel I have an obligation to be taking better care of my myself from a health perspective for myself and my family and all who love me. But weight wise. No.
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Post by anniefb on Sept 22, 2018 18:33:08 GMT
I don't know who Dr Laura is but she sounds like a total bitch,  |
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 22, 2018 18:33:27 GMT
I'm responding without reading (and WILL read it later, so may be back ), but have to say DH had never said a negative word to me about weight gains or loses. We do talk about health, weight and medical issues all the time because we are both really interested in the connections between them. I picked up the Obesity Code from the library last year when it was getting discussed here. DH saw it on the counter and asked if I'd picked it up for him.  I can't imagine being in such a manipulative relationship or role-modeling that to my kids.  |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 10:13:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2018 18:37:08 GMT
The article I linked was very good about how we should focus on health, not weight. But the point was in the article something like 80% of women have had weight shaming comments from their spouses. Hate Dr Laura all you want but combined with the statistic from the article, I think there maybe a lot more husband's thinking like her than we think. That was the point. Have you looked at all the fat women happily married? I know a lot and I say that only men that want out of their marriage are the ones who say shitty things to their wives. |
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Sept 22, 2018 18:40:01 GMT
My dh has never said a word.
I had someone say to me once, on this board, that my dh probably did hate my weight gain and found me unattractive, even if he never said so.
So who needs husbands to cut us down, when women are so willing to do it for them?
My attitude is that I have also never said a word to him about his hair loss.
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Post by refugeepea on Sept 22, 2018 18:43:15 GMT
Well damn! I should have dropped my spouse a month after getting married. He rapidly gained over 40 pounds because of side effects from a seizure medicine.  The good news is, that we are both fat now, so it's okay my name is on the mortgage too. 
To repeat Sockmonkey, she can fuck off. Dr. Laura has been divorced, has/had a kid with issues (don't know if he's still messed up) when he was in the military, has no relationship with her sibling, and didn't know her mother was dead for over two months. Maybe when it's "everyone else's fault" in your life and you have to cut them off, it might just be you.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 22, 2018 18:45:24 GMT
8 years ago I lost 80 lbs. I had hoped for another 20 but I was content where I was. That's when I met my DH. About a year ago I was having a lot of trouble controlling my mania. My medicine had stopped working and I went to my psych right away. We talked about all the medicines I have taken in the past and she basically said I have two choices for you: Zyprexa or Lithium. Well lithium scares the pants off me so I said let's try zyprexa. She said, I'll warn you almost everybody on it gains weight. I decided fat and happy were better than thin and crazy so I went for it. It did a great job of controlling my mania but pushed me right into a depression. Life was quite hard too. And so, the result of all these factors, I gained 45 pounds. Last week I came across this article. It's very long but very interesting: highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/After reading it I just felt so bad for obese people that hear negative things about their weight from their partners. It's bad enough that society wreaks havoc on the minds of fat people, to hear it at home too just breaks my heart. My DH has never uttered a negative word about my weight. Yesterday I listened to a Dr. Laura podcast. A caller said she was a stay at home mom and her DH controlled all the finances. They had just bought a new home and her DH didn't put her name on the house. He said, I will put your name on the house if you lose 40 pounds! Dr Laura's response was, I don't know if that's legal but I certainly support him doing it. You made vows and promises and you have changed in a profound way. He doesn't like it. So either you lose the weight or you lose out on your rights to the house. I was 100% shocked. I thought about this yesterday. My DH married me a certain weight. I am now significantly heavier. The article above that had made me feel a little better about myself last week was pretty much shattered yesterday when I got to thinking that my DH might very well be disappointed in me but not saying anything. I know the article is long but if you have the time, give it a read, especially if you are overweight. It might make you look at yourself a little differently. I know Dr Laura is out there with a lot of her beliefs but it left me wondering...do you feel an obligation to your spouse to maintain a certain weight? *dr* Laura is an idiot. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 22, 2018 18:52:26 GMT
My dh has never said a word. I had someone say to me once, on this board, that my dh probably did hate my weight gain and found me unattractive, even if he never said so. So who needs husbands to cut us down, when women are so willing to do it for them? My attitude is that I have also never said a word to him about his hair loss. Exactly on point about women. I think fat shaming can be just as subversive as racism. The article talked about it in the medical community too. I only used the Dr Laura example because she gave voice to the statistics. |
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Post by pierkiss on Sept 22, 2018 18:57:13 GMT
Yesterday I listened to a Dr. Laura podcast. A caller said she was a stay at home mom and her DH controlled all the finances. They had just bought a new home and her DH didn't put her name on the house. He said, I will put your name on the house if you lose 40 pounds! Dr Laura's response was, I don't know if that's legal but I certainly support him doing it. You made vows and promises and you have changed in a profound way. He doesn't like it. So either you lose the weight or you lose out on your rights to the house. I was 100% shocked.
—————-/———————
That is complete bullshit. Part of those vows included “in sickness and in health”. Meaning you love each other no matter what. In my mind and interpretation he is renegotiating on that promise he made to her. And keep in her name off the house as a punishment for being fat? More bullshit and I would be calling a lawyer.
If you or your spouse is not happy with the other ones appearance weight wise, the issue can be approached gently, from a place of Love and concern. If my husband decided that he really wanted me to be skinny again, and he came at me with hate and disdain, we would be done. Because all I would hear, is that my husband doesn’t love me anymore, and that he never loved me for me. Only for what I was at the time of our engagement and marriage.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Sept 22, 2018 18:57:15 GMT
This is quite timely because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I will honestly say that DH has said that he would love it if I lost weight. I could stand to lose 20-30 lbs. This has come up with DH not bec he makes his wishes known frequently but bec we’ve had some very open, heart wrenching conversations in the past and it was brought up then. DH is never negative, unkind or mean about it though. If I bring it up he always offers his encouragement and says that he’ll pay for a trainer or whatever I want. I would love to lose weight but I haven’t been ‘working on it’ lately but it is always on my mind(ugh!). That’s mostly bec of my desire but knowing DHs desire for it too does affect me.
I’m torn on my feelings about this. He just wants what I want, he’s never pushing or saying anything about it but I know it’s there. Then again he should just love me how I am but again I don’t think it’s wrong for him to want me like I was in the past. I’m very conflicted and frustrated with this whole topic. Can you tell? Lol
eta: DH really doesn’t need to lose any weight so this is def one sided.
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Post by chlerbie on Sept 22, 2018 19:07:41 GMT
I am probably the thinnest we've been since we've been together for 20 years. That being said, right after we got together, I gained a ton of weight. He never said a word. Ever. I began to lose weight about 5 years ago and he's been happy that I've been happy with the results but never made me feel like "Thank God, you finally lost that weight." I made a comment a couple of weeks ago that no matter what I do, I can't lose this little "pouch" and he said, "Don't worry. I love it. But if it goes away, that's OK, too."
He's suddenly getting a bit of a paunch, but I'd never say a word to him unless he brought it up, and I also don't care. He's super healthy and that's all I care about.
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huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,992
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Post by huskergal on Sept 22, 2018 19:18:13 GMT
My dh has never said anything about my weight. We have both been up and down. I am very unhappy with my weight right now. I have been dealing with foot problems and a knee injury. If I don't workout, the weight packs on.
I agree with whoever said a husband that uses weight as an issue, is looking to get out of the relationship. That is not love.
Dr. Laura is a horrible human being.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 22, 2018 19:28:19 GMT
These two books (their titles) that she’s penned tell me everything I need to know about the bitch.
“Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives”
And
“The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
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Post by peaname on Sept 22, 2018 19:42:56 GMT
Dr Laura sounds like a lunatic. I’ve never heard her show.
Anyway I do think that between two people in a marriage it’s okay to have expectations of each other. I would probably go ballistic if my DH started smoking because I hate the smell of it. If he started doing drugs I’d leave him. He has issues with weight, his mother lost and gained 50-100 pounds multiple times throughout his childhood and he is sensitive about it. If I gained a significant amount of weight I know he would have a problem with it. I’ve known this since we were dating though, I can’t say I didn’t know. My weight is stable.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 22, 2018 19:54:28 GMT
dewryce & paget I'm glad you have supportive husband's. It makes all the difference really. I think we shame ourselves enough and we don't need anyone else shaming us.
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The good news is, that we are both fat now, so it's okay my name is on the mortgage too. 
