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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 0:35:25 GMT
I have tried to politely decline hosting a couples event at my house because my husband does not relate to the spouses. These women and I are in league that hosts a couples appetizer party every month. About a third of the group attend this event. We went once and husband didn’t like it. We then tried a dinner out and he said never again. I love the ladies in my group and enjoy doing solo things. However, I’m not going to throw him under the bus and state he doesn’t relate to their spouses. I have tried to tell her his weekends are hectic and he cherishes the few he has due to traveling. I guess I am not being direct enough so what would the peas say?
ETA: solo meaning events that are for members, not spouses.
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leeny
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Post by leeny on Oct 5, 2018 0:37:18 GMT
I would be very direct and say, "I am sorry, I do not host events at my home." No need to explain, it is your decision not theirs.
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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 0:38:08 GMT
I would be very direct and say, "I am sorry, I do not host events at my home." No need to explain, it is your decision not theirs. Thank you Leeny. My husband said soemthing similar to this. |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Oct 5, 2018 0:41:01 GMT
Is it just a few hours? Would your dh be willing to have a guys night out (with his own friends) while you host something with just the girls? Otherwise just keep saying no, no reason necessary.
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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 0:45:06 GMT
Is it just a few hours? Would your dh be willing to have a guys night out (with his own friends) while you host something with just the girls? Otherwise just keep saying no, no reason necessary. It’s usually about 4-5 hours and is a couples event. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2018 0:48:43 GMT
I think it is unfair to attend these events that other people in the group feel obligated to host, but in turn refuse to reciprocate. I think I'd be more inclined to say that you are unable to participate/reciprocate in couples events, but would still enjoy attending solo gatherings. If they say no, then you can decide whether you want to suck it up or quit the group.
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Post by cmpeter on Oct 5, 2018 0:55:58 GMT
If you are going solo to other couples events, then I would send dh out of the house and host solo. Otherwise, I would stick to “dh travels a lot for work and likes down time when he’s home”.
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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 2:06:51 GMT
If you are going solo to other couples events, then I would send dh out of the house and host solo. Otherwise, I would stick to “dh travels a lot for work and likes down time when he’s home”. I don’t think I worded this correctly. The couples events we went to: one at a member’s house and then a group dinner out at a restaurant. Most events are primarily for women but there are four couples events a month. Not sure if this explains it better. |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Oct 5, 2018 2:09:40 GMT
Is there an expectation that members will take turns hosting?
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AmeliaBloomer
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Oct 5, 2018 2:28:52 GMT
I’d just say I am going to continue the “solo” events but not participate in the couples events.
I don’t think it’s throwing under the bus to add “My husband isn’t into things like this,” or “Not my husband's thing,” or “My husband's a homebody when he’s not traveling,” but really there’s no explanation necessary if this is an arrangement that doesn’t disqualify you from continued solo participation.
Good luck.
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Post by MichyM on Oct 5, 2018 2:41:30 GMT
I guess I don't see the difficulty in this.
Since your husband is struggling to find common ground with the other spouses, he said "never again," correct? So the two of you will not be attending the couples events any longer, correct?
Then I would just tell the others that you love the time you spend with the other women, but that the two of you will not be attending the couples events any longer. That alone explains why you don't want to host. Easy-peasy.
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Oct 5, 2018 2:41:30 GMT
I have tried to tell her his weekends are hectic and he cherishes the few he has due to traveling. Schedule one for when he's traveling on a weekend. You don't say how many couples attend but I would think if there's at least 4-5 he won't even really be missed. |
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kate
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Post by kate on Oct 5, 2018 2:52:05 GMT
FOUR couples' events per MONTH? I'm an extrovert, but I would hate that amount of socializing with DH's friends' wives - and I LIKE them (for the most part)! I could ask my DH to suck it up and help host once a year, but I would not make him go to the other couples' events. I’d just say I am going to continue the “solo” events but not participate in the couples events. I don’t think it’s throwing under the bus to add “My husband isn’t into things like this,” or “Not my husband's thing,” or “My husband's a homebody when he’s not traveling,” but really there’s no explanation necessary if this is an arrangement that doesn’t disqualify you from continued solo participation. This says it all. The only thorny situation would be if you really enjoy the solo things, but you can't do those without also doing couples' things. Then you'd have to have a negotiation session with your DH about how much he can take. |
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Post by mikewozowski on Oct 5, 2018 3:16:39 GMT
i don't think you can say something like "i don't host events at my house" without sounding rude.
it would probably be best to host when your husband is not there. he can even leave for the evening. he doesn't necessarily have to be out of town.
i go to things with my husband that are not that interesting to me. he probably does the same. so i don't think it is too out of line for him to suck it up once in a while.
and i agree, four couples events a month is a LOT!
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Post by elaine on Oct 5, 2018 3:31:11 GMT
I guess that I am confused.
What type of league?
How often do you see these women for league events?
Do you do solo things as a group outside of league events/meetings? Or is it only couples events outside of league?
Did you really mean 4 couples’ events per month? Or did you mean per year? (I can’t imagine per month unless you all are retired)
Do you go to the couples events by yourself?
All of these things would impact my answer.
I think, for me, the bottom line is if you have been attending social events (with or without your dh) hosted at other people’s houses, it is only equitable for you to take a turn hosting one. If that means hosting a wine party for the women only, so be it. Or, host something for the couples and your husband can suck it up for one evening.
It sounds like you spend a lot of time with these women (and as the wife of an introvert I don’t say this lightly), and I don’t think it is asking too much for your husband to be present at one social event for one evening hosted at your house.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Oct 5, 2018 4:59:39 GMT
4-5 hours! No.Just.No!
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Post by lucyg on Oct 5, 2018 5:49:20 GMT
Okay, as I understand your OP, not everyone participates in the couples events. So you are just part of the group that doesn’t participate in the couples events. You tried it once or twice, but it wasn’t for you. You’re not attending the couples events without your husband, right? You only want to participate in the girls-only activities, and there are lots of others doing the same thing? If this is correct, then I think no apologies (and no white lies) are necessary. I wouldn’t try to claim that you don’t host events in your home. I would just say, “We aren’t really interested in participating in the couples events. Thanks for thinking of me, anyway.” If pressed, you can say, “My husband isn’t interested in socializing on weekends.” Or not, if you aren’t comfortable saying that, although I don’t really think it’s throwing him under the bus.  |
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Post by littlemama on Oct 5, 2018 13:38:22 GMT
So you are being asked to host a couples event when you are one of the 2/3 of the group who does not attend couples events.
I would just say "Oh, no thank you, we are not interested in the couples events"
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 5, 2018 13:40:28 GMT
Most events are primarily for women but there are four couples events a month. So, it's a women's league, but couples get together four times per month... as in weekly? That's an awful lot. |
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Post by gar on Oct 5, 2018 13:48:19 GMT
Colour me confused 🤔
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Oct 5, 2018 13:52:50 GMT
I would say that my house is too far out or not set up well for hosting. Which is true. That said, I wouldn't hesitate to blame it on DH - that he is more of a loner and doesn't enjoy group activities (which sounds like it might be true). I wouldn't say anything about him not relating to their spouses.
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TXMary
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Post by TXMary on Oct 5, 2018 15:57:10 GMT
Four couples events per month that last 4 to 5 hours...forget my DH...*I* would have no interest in this. But I'm an introvert who would have never committed to it in the first place.
If you like the women and doing things with them, I would continue doing the solo things but just say that other commitments make it impossible for us to attend couple events and leave it at that. No further explanation necessary.
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Post by Jockscrap on Oct 5, 2018 16:00:31 GMT
If you are attending couples events on your own, I think you need to take your turn hosting one, DH present or not. Personally, I would hope my DH would suck it up for what is maybe a very occasional event. I do plenty for him, so I think he would do this for me. I don’t think it is essential for him to be there though. If you aren’t ever attending a couples event, there is no issue at all. Carry on going to your solo events and if anyone asks why they don’t see you at the couples events, just say DH isn’t much of a one for socialising.
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Post by myshelly on Oct 5, 2018 16:05:40 GMT
I’m confused about the way you’ve worded things as well.
Are you going to the couples events solo or just not going to those events?
If you’re going to events at peoples houses solo, you need to take a turn to host. If DH isn’t interested tell him to go somewhere else while you’re hosting.
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Post by mrssmith on Oct 5, 2018 16:40:15 GMT
I think it is unfair to attend these events that other people in the group feel obligated to host, but in turn refuse to reciprocate. I think I'd be more inclined to say that you are unable to participate/reciprocate in couples events, but would still enjoy attending solo gatherings. If they say no, then you can decide whether you want to suck it up or quit the group. I agree. |
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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 17:35:47 GMT
Okay, as I understand your OP, not everyone participates in the couples events. So you are just part of the group that doesn’t participate in the couples events. You tried it once or twice, but it wasn’t for you. You’re not attending the couples events without your husband, right? You only want to participate in the girls-only activities, and there are lots of others doing the same thing? If this is correct, then I think no apologies (and no white lies) are necessary. I wouldn’t try to claim that you don’t host events in your home. I would just say, “We aren’t really interested in participating in the couples events. Thanks for thinking of me, anyway.” If pressed, you can say, “My husband isn’t interested in socializing on weekends.” Or not, if you aren’t comfortable saying that, although I don’t really think it’s throwing him under the bus. Thank you! This is it exactly. I told her we don’t attend the events as we tried them but it’s not for us. I also asked her to remove me from future emails about the event. She shot back requesting me to reconsider and I didn’t answer. Enough said. |
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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 17:41:57 GMT
I think it is unfair to attend these events that other people in the group feel obligated to host, but in turn refuse to reciprocate. I think I'd be more inclined to say that you are unable to participate/reciprocate in couples events, but would still enjoy attending solo gatherings. If they say no, then you can decide whether you want to suck it up or quit the group. Agree. Which is why we haven’t attended any other of these meetups for a year now. I think the problem is people are withdrawing to host and no longer want 40-50 people in their homes because of the effort to clean, cook, etc. I go solo to member events which is for the ladies, it couples. |
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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 17:42:30 GMT
I’m confused about the way you’ve worded things as well. Are you going to the couples events solo or just not going to those events? If you’re going to events at peoples houses solo, you need to take a turn to host. If DH isn’t interested tell him to go somewhere else while you’re hosting. I don’t do couples events. |
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Post by lucyg on Oct 5, 2018 17:43:39 GMT
Okay, as I understand your OP, not everyone participates in the couples events. So you are just part of the group that doesn’t participate in the couples events. You tried it once or twice, but it wasn’t for you. You’re not attending the couples events without your husband, right? You only want to participate in the girls-only activities, and there are lots of others doing the same thing? If this is correct, then I think no apologies (and no white lies) are necessary. I wouldn’t try to claim that you don’t host events in your home. I would just say, “We aren’t really interested in participating in the couples events. Thanks for thinking of me, anyway.” If pressed, you can say, “My husband isn’t interested in socializing on weekends.” Or not, if you aren’t comfortable saying that, although I don’t really think it’s throwing him under the bus. Thank you! This is it exactly. I told her we don’t attend the events as we tried them but it’s not for us. I also asked her to remove me from future emails about the event. She shot back requesting me to reconsider and I didn’t answer. Enough said. Perfect handling of the situation, as far as I’m concerned. |
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Post by aljack on Oct 5, 2018 17:47:00 GMT
Most events are primarily for women but there are four couples events a month. So, it's a women's league, but couples get together four times per month... as in weekly? That's an awful lot. Each month there is a couples dinner at restaurants, an appetizer party, a game night, and golf for couples. You decide which you want to do. It is a lot to do, especially if you did them all. |
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