Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 22:20:19 GMT
**Thanks for all the input. The reason for my question is I am still trying to understand my SILs reaction to this situation. A sister found my DH and one sister. We met her and she is just the nicest person. We see her and her DH all the time and enjoy their company. She is over the moon happy to have a sibling. My SILs have met her (basically under duress) and pretty much want nothing to do with her. Her mother wants no part of it. MY DH has tried to encourage one sister to reach out (we are not close with his sisters), but she has basically accused DH of dumping them for his new sister. The whole situation is very sad as all his new sister wants is siblings. She doesn't need money.**
Say one of your parents had a child before they were married and gave that child up for adoption. That sibling shows up looking for their biological family. Would you welcome them?
Ann
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Post by gar on Sept 23, 2014 22:22:48 GMT
Well that's a huge scenario with multiple possibilities but in principle, yes, of course.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 22:25:11 GMT
Absolutely.
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Post by lucyg on Sept 23, 2014 22:25:28 GMT
Yes, that would be my default position, but you'd have to keep in mind that these things can go very badly sometimes.
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luckyexwife
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Post by luckyexwife on Sept 23, 2014 22:26:50 GMT
In that general of a question, yes. In real life, there are a lot of things that would factor in the decision.
I have a friend this happened to. Long story, but he ended up abandoning his family, divorcing his wife of almost 40 years, and moving to a different country to be with his daughter and "make up for lost time." Very strange situation.
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Post by eebud on Sept 23, 2014 22:27:44 GMT
I would probably welcome them. I guess it depends on what they are looking for. You can't force a relationship but I would welcome the opportunity to get to know them if that is what they also wanted.
I know you didn't ask this but I would not consider it any kind of betrayal by the parent who gave the child up for adoption. My parents are allowed to keep this information private if that is what they chose to do. I would assume that the parent did what was best for all parties at that time in their lives.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 22:28:41 GMT
My aunt (my dad's sister) and my uncle found out several years ago, that he had a daughter from a relationship that happened years before he had met my aunt. They met her, they went through paternity testing, and then they completely welcomed her into their family as their daughter. I have been greatly impressed at the love and kindness they extended to her.
I am not sure I could be so gracious. I also think that, if in the place as a biological sibling, I would have to take my parents' feelings into account.
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Post by workingclassdog on Sept 23, 2014 22:38:23 GMT
That happened to me, unfortunately I was only in the 5th grade. A daughter that my dad had (he 'says') he had no idea about her but was married to the mom for a very short time and then they broke up. He says she must have been pregnant and didn't tell him. Anyways, from my memory of her, she contacted him when I was in the 5th grade or so, she came to stay with us for about 2 months to get to know us. She didn't get along with me or my mom. I think she did get along with my little sister, but she was pretty young. I probably resented her. She wasn't very nice though, I do remember that.
Anyways, she left to go back to her home. Really had no other contact with her except she would call needing money. I didn't know about this until I was older. But it continued as I got older and I finally knew what was going on. My mom (and by then by step-mom) felt bad for her and would send her gift cards for food through the years (mainly for her kids).. I guess the story is that she took everything that her mom had money wise and her grandparents.. until they finally said no more. This is all hear say so I don't know if it is all true. She didn't want anything to do with us except for money. But then again maybe she did and my dad didn't want anything to do with her. I don't know. I do know from what my mom said is that she did marry some illegal immigrant from Mexico and had two kids and living in a shack. I don't know how my mom (and step-mom) knew this, but I guess I never ask.
Last time I talked to her, my dad was just in a life threatening auto accident and was in the hospital for months. She happened to call when I was home and wanted money. I told her that there was no one there to give her anything and that he was lying in the hospital. I then told her to stop calling and there was no money.
I probably should have been sympathetic towards her.. I am sure my views were tainted and I have no idea what was going on in her life. I feel pretty bad about it today... but nothing I can do now because she passed away a few years ago and I have no idea what happened to the kids.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 22:41:27 GMT
I would as long as the person was truly looking for a relationship, not someone to borrow money from. My aunt has a son she gave up as a teenager. It's one of those family secrets that's not really a secret. I'd like to think that my cousins will welcome him with open arms if they ever found each other but who knows? I can see one of them shutting him out because it'd mean splitting any inheritance three ways instead of two.
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janeliz
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Post by janeliz on Sept 23, 2014 22:42:28 GMT
Yes, I believe I would.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Sept 23, 2014 22:43:02 GMT
I would hope I would. One of DH's friends found out who he thought was his sister was really his mom! Yikes! He was in his 30's when this happened.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 22:49:33 GMT
I would hope I would. One of DH's friends found out who he thought was his sister was really his mom! Yikes! He was in his 30's when this happened. This happened to one of my friends in high school. On her birthday one year she was told that the people she had called mom and dad were really her grandparents, and her "older sister" was really her mom. She had a really awful time coming to terms with this.
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Jili
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Post by Jili on Sept 23, 2014 22:53:12 GMT
This happened in my mom's family. Several years after my grandma passed, my mom learned that my grandmother had had a daughter several years before meeting/marrying my grandfather. It's kind of a long story, but my mom and her brother were easily able to verify that this story was true. Their new sibling was going through yet another bout of breast cancer and was particularly interested in medical records, but was also curious about her siblings. At first my mom & her brother were shocked, very hesitant, and not at all sure what to expect, but as they became more familiar and comfortable with the idea, they tried to be as helpful to her and as open to her wishes as possible. They did decide, however, to not share this information with my grandfather, as they were very convinced that he did not know about this aspect of my grandmother's life, and that my grandmother would not have wanted him to know. They saw no reason to alter his memories of her. For related reasons which I won't get into, they also chose to not immediately share the information about their sibling with their other sisters until after my grandfather's death (and by this time, their half-sibling had also passed away).
The approach that their half-sister used to initiate contact with them was well thought-out and approached carefully. My mom really appreciated how it helped ease the shock and helped to reassure them. Today, even though her sister is gone, she is still friendly with her sister's husband and with some other members of her family that helped to initiate the contact process.
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Post by brina on Sept 23, 2014 23:00:58 GMT
I am that child. Although I didn't go looking for them, they sort of found me. And I wasn't a secret - both of my birth parents were pretty open about having had me when they were in college. I have met my birth mother and I am Facebook friends with her dd and will probably meet her eventually. I have met my birth fathers entire family - his wife, kids, step kids, ex-wife, sister, grandchildren, etc. Yesterday his dd was on a business trip that brought her close to my home and we met for dinner. All in all it was worked out pretty well.
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Nink
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Post by Nink on Sept 23, 2014 23:04:32 GMT
I absolutely would.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 23:05:03 GMT
I don't think I would take it well to be honest. An unknown sibling showing up would be suspect because that breaches a whole host of instilled values that are suddenly broken. And to me siblingship is more than shared dna. It is a life time of memories, shared experiences. I think such a scenario would more likely tear my family apart than expand it.
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Sept 23, 2014 23:05:36 GMT
That happened to my family and yes, we welcomed her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 23:09:45 GMT
I would be po'd because my father could have another punching bag in the house.
Or
Po'd because that child got away.
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Post by mzza111 on Sept 23, 2014 23:12:53 GMT
I would as long as the person was truly looking for a relationship, not someone to borrow money from. and if they weren't going to badmouth/harbor resentment of the parent who left them.
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Post by katlaw on Sept 23, 2014 23:16:10 GMT
Yes. But I am often too trusting and look for the good in people so I would assume this sibling was only looking to connect with family. I can think of situations where this has happened and not turned out very well.
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Post by rainangel on Sept 23, 2014 23:20:19 GMT
Of course I would welcome them. To be honest, I would be a bit cautious at first because I would be afraid that they would only be after money or something. Unfortunatly I have heard too many stories about people seeking out relatives in the hopes of getting money. But I would absolutely make an effort to get to know this sibling and welcome them in to the family. The second they asked for money I would not be as welcoming anymore though. But if this person genuinly wanted to get to know our parent(s) and us siblings, I would bend over backwards to make them a part of our family. If other people in the family wouldn't invite them in, I would still continue to nurture a relationship. I agree that a sibling is more than DNA, but still.... To me family is family, as long as they have honest motives that is. I have also already told my bachelor brother that if I EVER find out he has a child that he is not telling us about, I will more or less seek out this child and his mother and make them a part of the family. Whether my brother wants it or not My brother knows I'm kind of kidding when I say this, but he knows I'm kind of dead serious too
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Post by smokeynspike on Sept 23, 2014 23:35:16 GMT
This exact thing happened in my family. And it is sad. I have a half-brother that I didn't know about until college. He is about five months older than I am. He came around wanting to have a relationship with us, but my mother was too insecure (IMO) to let us. At the time I was a legal adult, but at 18 and at college that my mother was paying for, I didn't want to piss off my mom by pressing the issue. She got really, really upset whenever the topic came up. I did meet him once. I never understood what the big deal was because my parents were married by the time he was even born, and as far as I know, the two relationships of my father never crossed paths (ie. he never cheated on either, they were separate. Close together, but separate.).
Melissa
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 23:38:50 GMT
I am too but I don't think my half-siblings know about me - I'm not even sure if my birth dad knows about me. My birth mom says he does but she "can't remember his name"...there is obviously more to the story than she is willing to share with me. With that being said...I will most definatly welcome a sibling under the situation you have asked about.
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Sept 23, 2014 23:39:23 GMT
Of course. Absolutely. Now I might find later that said person was nefarious and wish to terminate my relationship, but initially I would be thrilled to discover such a person.
ETA: I just realized that a whole bunch of people in Montgomery, AL could have that happen if my DD wished to pursue her male parent.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Sept 23, 2014 23:51:50 GMT
Of course. Absolutely. Now I might find later that said person was nefarious and wish to terminate my relationship, but initially I would be thrilled to discover such a person. This for me too! I would welcome them but also be cautious just in case
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2014 23:53:24 GMT
That happened to my dad. He grew up thinking he was an only child. Then, when he was about 50, a half-brother found him. Turned out my grandmother had had a relationship with her male lodger after her husband died after WW2. Since she was Catholic and the lodger was German, she gave the baby away. My dad was so happy to meet him and his family and they started to bond over dinners and outings. Eventually though it turned out that his half-brother simply wanted information about his birth parents, so when my dad had given him as much info as he could he stopped contacting my dad. So sad for my dad.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 24, 2014 0:11:21 GMT
I would want to meet them.
I know someone that found out his youngest sister was his niece. His oldest sister had a baby at 16 & the parents raised her as their child. None of the other siblings were in on the secret until she was much older and this messed my friend up big time. He had major trust issues and wanted little to do with his family after that.
I also know someone that found out her brother had a child when the child was about 10. He ran into an old girlfriend who said "oh by the way . . ." He then casually mentioned this to his parents "hey, remember my old girlfriend Barb? I ran into the other day and she told me I have a kid." If his parents hadn't pushed to meet their oldest grandchild, I doubt he would have met him. The brother wasn't married, so no spouse or other kids to think about, but this child was embraced by a big extended family.
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Sue
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Post by Sue on Sept 24, 2014 0:18:34 GMT
I learned of a half-sibling when I was in my late forties. My parents separated when I was quite young and Mom took us 4 children home to the west coast. My Dad was military and was sent down south where he had a short relationship before he also came west. Seems his lady friend didn't tell him that she was expecting. Dad died many years ago and never learned of this child. This child eventually located us half-siblings through military records. We'll probably never meet face to face since we live on opposite coasts but we've gotten to know each other through phone calls & FB. Lovely, lovely person.
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theshyone
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Post by theshyone on Sept 24, 2014 0:22:48 GMT
My mom had a baby she gave up for adoption. I was willing to get to know her. She had said she want to find us to learn medical histories.
She forged a strong relationship with my "oldest" sister. She Never put any effort into forming a relationship with me or my kids.
There were many I need, please give me, I have to have, but not many how are you, how are the kids, type phone calls.
Shortly after I was seriously ill, and it was discovered she had the same genetic syndrome.
I still get phone calls when she wants something. I'm not interested in a one sided give relationship.
Very glad she knows she has Long QT, and is being treated now. Prior to her phone call none of us three girls knew she existed.
I don't think people can really say what they will do until it happens to them.
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Sept 24, 2014 0:24:17 GMT
I would like to think I would.
I'll let you know how my husband's biological siblings react should his bio parents (who ended up marrying each other after they gave him up) ever decide to tell them about their full blooded sibling. And his two kids.
Yes, my husband has met his bio parents (a few years ago). They still haven't told their other kids.
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