UPDATED....Just gutted...and pissed off at the same time.
Nov 12, 2018 16:35:26 GMT
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Kerri W, lucyg, and 15 more like this
Post by craftedbys on Nov 12, 2018 16:35:26 GMT
Update: Apologies for taking a fee days to update, it has been a very exhausting week, both emotionally and physically.
We had a family sit down on Monday. I went in with an open mind and heart, willing to listen.
DH and I have always maintained that it was Dad's decision where he lived etc, but my biggest issue was the way he changed his mind so quickly from not making any decisions until January to wanting to move to assisted living. That, and the lack of communication, keeping me in the dark.
We talked for quite a while and Dad admitted he was concerned about some health problems and he apologized for not treating me like a grownup and for his lack of communication.
So after a lot of talking and tears on most everyone's part, I told him that I would honor his decision.
Tuesday I was just so worn out that I took some time just for myself, even went to the gym and also got a haircut; went from it being several inches below my shoulder to a chin length bob.
While I was out, I called my Dad to see if he needed anything from the store. Stopped by later with his groceries and did my best to act like I always do.
Funny aside: I went home and cleaned up and styled my hair then that evening DH came home and we cooked dinner, ate supper side by side, and then sat on the couch together and he never once said anything about my hair. I sent my two friends a message that was basically WTF, is he blind? LOL and told them how for over an hour and a half he hadn't left my side but hadn't noticed. Finally, about 45 minutes later DH got a text and he started laughing uncontrollably. Turns out it was from my BFF telling him he damn well better complement me hair!
Wednesday I went with Dad, brother and SIL went out to visit an independent living facility. We spent over two hours touring the facility and meeting residents and asking questions. I made sure to let Dad see that I had made peace with his decision and I was going to be okay.
The facility was pretty new and very well appointed. One of the rooms they showed us that was available was lovely--I joked it was bigger than DH and my first apartment. It even had a private balcony that overlooks a golf course.
He didn't sign the papers or put a deposit, he wants to wait to move after the first of the year. We let them know that he is pretty sure he wants that room, but wanted to wait a few weeks before signing off. They did say they would call if there was anyone else that looked at the room and we could have first crack.
So I have been working on making lists of what he wants to take with him and what he will need, etc.
Brother and SIL will be back in 10 days to help me go through the house-- I haven't gotten enough done fast enough apparently. In my defense, it wasn't easy going through Mom's things and 67+ years of accumulated memories (they had been in my childhood home for over 50 years).
I told dad I would get anything I wanted boxed up and moved out, or in the case of large pieces of furniture, at least marked with my name. I have to work quickly because SIL was "helping " this week and she would pick something up and say "You don't want this, do you?" And it started rubbing me the wrong way. I could expound more, but that is a whole other thread LOL.
One thing I have to say before wrapping this long update to my novel post is I realized something this week. When I said that taking care of people is my purpose in life, that wasn't really what I meant.
I have come to realize that caretaking is one of my love languages. That's how I show extra love to my family, especially my Dad.
He has never been big on verbal "I love yous" and flowery words. None of his family was. I think it is partly generational and partly his solid midwest upbringing, LOL.
Thank you again, peas, for not only listening, but for being supportive and validating my feelings, as well as for the other perspectives and showing me other ways to look at it and other things to think about. Y'all are almost as good as therapy, (maybe only a little cheaper considering all the enabling and shopping threads, LOL).
--------------------------------
Not sure if that is possible, but if it is, I am. Please excuse this novel, just have to get it out. Hopefully just writing it all down will lower my blood pressure and stress level.
Backstory: I am the youngest of 4 kids. My sister passed away 7 years ago. My oldest brother is retired but has had very little to do with my parents for lots of years, mainly because of the (insert ugly word here) person he is married to. Other brother lives 250 miles away and he and his wife are also retired and living comfortably. He calls Dad every morning to talk to him. As I said, I am the baby, 14 and 11 years younger than my brothers. Our kids are teenagers.
I quit my full time job little over two years ago and moved to a part time position 2 days a week so that I could help my Dad take care of my mother who was suffering from dementia. (So a 60%pay cut).
A few months later he asked if I would quit my job to help him full time. He said he would pay me (about 1/2 of what I was making part time). Which I did without hesitation, even though it would put a strain on us financially.
Also during this time, DH and I decided to move our family across town so we would be closer to them. So for several months I was over there 7 days a week helping with mom, feeding, dressing, cooking etc. All while still running our household.
After Mom passed away about 15 months ago, I continued to go over there to take care of Dad. He is now 91 and looks and somewhat acts like a man 5 to 10 years younger.
He has a lady come in 2x per month to do the heavy cleaning, but I do everything else: all of the shopping, errands, cooking, etc. I take him to all of his doctors appointments and keep up with all of his medications and make sure he is taking them properly.
In addition, I am trying to go through the house they have lived in for over 50 years and all of the things they accumulated. My mother loved stuff.
I have been going through boxes and cabinets and taking photos of everything and posting it on our private family Facebook group so everyone can say if they would like something. It has been a long process because I haven't been able to so it every day and I am trying to find someone who could use the stuff rather than just hauling it all to the dump, which is what my brother wants to do.
And while one child is away at college and one is away at a boarding high school, I am still running two households., although I am only cooking one evening meal and DH comes by after work for supper then we go home once I have the kitchen cleaned.
This has been a stressful set up and DH and I talked and decided that if my Dad agreed, we would buy a house with enough room for us all to live together. We talked to Dad about it and he was like we will see.
At the same time, my brother has been pushing for him to move to assisted living. They moved SIL's mom into one last spring and I think that's what is behind it.
DH and I found a house that would be perfect, 2 ground floor masters and plenty of room for all of us. Only 2 miles from his current house, and in our price range. We took him and showed it to him and we discussed that we wanted him to live with us and we could make the move slowly, etc.
DH wasn't going forward with any purchase until he had a commitment from Dad that he would be willing to live with us. They talked and on Wednesday night last, Dad said he wasn't going to make any decision until after the holidays. Ok. We could live with that.
So imagine my surprise and utter shock when I called Dad on Saturday morning and he told me that brother and SIL were coming into town on Sunday (which they NEVER travel on the weekends).
I asked him if they were trying to get him into assisted living and he said, "well, we will talk about that".
Come to find out, while DH and I have been here, every freaking day taking care of Dad, my brother was using his daily phone calls to convince him that it was too much for me to take care of him and I was taking too long to clean out the house.
Spent the rest of the day Saturday crying and upset. We went over to see Dad yesterday morning before my brother got there and listened to him tell me all of the terrible things that MIGHT happen and how I wouldn't be able to take care of him, etc etc etc.
For probably the first time in my life I stood up and told my father exactly how I felt and how hurt I was that he and brother are making these decisions without me.
He is not going on FACT that there is nothing wrong with him and there is nothing that assisted living could do for him that I couldn't do myself. He is not the type of person to join in all the activities and go out and make all kinds of new friends. He will sit in his room and watch Fox news and the weather channel for 12 hours a day.
Over a dozen years ago, before mom got sick, I promised her that she and dad would not be put in a home unless as a last resort. I also promised her that I would look after my father if she went first.
So now, not only will I not be able to keep my promise to my mom, I won't have a purpose. I am a caretaker by nature, so without him to take care of, what am I supposed to do? I guess I am supposed to go back to work and then stop and see him and watch him watch the walls. Some life.
Of course, SIL is like "well I don't go see mom every day ". Well, that is fine and fucking dandy for you, but that is not ME, not who I am.
Of course, somehow it is now turned around and I am the selfish one and am acting horribly because I am upset that they are making all of these plans and decisions without including me or what my opinion is. Once again, I am being left out of the "grownup decisions" because I am the youngest and they don't think I can handle it.
Dad just called to see if I was going over there today and I said no, they should be able to fix his lunch and dinner since they are grown ass people. He wants to sit down and talk this all out.
Not sure what there is to talk about, he has decided that he's better off in a home surrounded by strangers. I told him DH and I would go over this evening because I need him there to have my back.
If you made it to the end of this massive word purge, thanks for listening. I just needed to get all of this out.
We had a family sit down on Monday. I went in with an open mind and heart, willing to listen.
DH and I have always maintained that it was Dad's decision where he lived etc, but my biggest issue was the way he changed his mind so quickly from not making any decisions until January to wanting to move to assisted living. That, and the lack of communication, keeping me in the dark.
We talked for quite a while and Dad admitted he was concerned about some health problems and he apologized for not treating me like a grownup and for his lack of communication.
So after a lot of talking and tears on most everyone's part, I told him that I would honor his decision.
Tuesday I was just so worn out that I took some time just for myself, even went to the gym and also got a haircut; went from it being several inches below my shoulder to a chin length bob.
While I was out, I called my Dad to see if he needed anything from the store. Stopped by later with his groceries and did my best to act like I always do.
Funny aside: I went home and cleaned up and styled my hair then that evening DH came home and we cooked dinner, ate supper side by side, and then sat on the couch together and he never once said anything about my hair. I sent my two friends a message that was basically WTF, is he blind? LOL and told them how for over an hour and a half he hadn't left my side but hadn't noticed. Finally, about 45 minutes later DH got a text and he started laughing uncontrollably. Turns out it was from my BFF telling him he damn well better complement me hair!
Wednesday I went with Dad, brother and SIL went out to visit an independent living facility. We spent over two hours touring the facility and meeting residents and asking questions. I made sure to let Dad see that I had made peace with his decision and I was going to be okay.
The facility was pretty new and very well appointed. One of the rooms they showed us that was available was lovely--I joked it was bigger than DH and my first apartment. It even had a private balcony that overlooks a golf course.
He didn't sign the papers or put a deposit, he wants to wait to move after the first of the year. We let them know that he is pretty sure he wants that room, but wanted to wait a few weeks before signing off. They did say they would call if there was anyone else that looked at the room and we could have first crack.
So I have been working on making lists of what he wants to take with him and what he will need, etc.
Brother and SIL will be back in 10 days to help me go through the house-- I haven't gotten enough done fast enough apparently. In my defense, it wasn't easy going through Mom's things and 67+ years of accumulated memories (they had been in my childhood home for over 50 years).
I told dad I would get anything I wanted boxed up and moved out, or in the case of large pieces of furniture, at least marked with my name. I have to work quickly because SIL was "helping " this week and she would pick something up and say "You don't want this, do you?" And it started rubbing me the wrong way. I could expound more, but that is a whole other thread LOL.
One thing I have to say before wrapping this long update to my novel post is I realized something this week. When I said that taking care of people is my purpose in life, that wasn't really what I meant.
I have come to realize that caretaking is one of my love languages. That's how I show extra love to my family, especially my Dad.
He has never been big on verbal "I love yous" and flowery words. None of his family was. I think it is partly generational and partly his solid midwest upbringing, LOL.
Thank you again, peas, for not only listening, but for being supportive and validating my feelings, as well as for the other perspectives and showing me other ways to look at it and other things to think about. Y'all are almost as good as therapy, (maybe only a little cheaper considering all the enabling and shopping threads, LOL).
--------------------------------
Not sure if that is possible, but if it is, I am. Please excuse this novel, just have to get it out. Hopefully just writing it all down will lower my blood pressure and stress level.
Backstory: I am the youngest of 4 kids. My sister passed away 7 years ago. My oldest brother is retired but has had very little to do with my parents for lots of years, mainly because of the (insert ugly word here) person he is married to. Other brother lives 250 miles away and he and his wife are also retired and living comfortably. He calls Dad every morning to talk to him. As I said, I am the baby, 14 and 11 years younger than my brothers. Our kids are teenagers.
I quit my full time job little over two years ago and moved to a part time position 2 days a week so that I could help my Dad take care of my mother who was suffering from dementia. (So a 60%pay cut).
A few months later he asked if I would quit my job to help him full time. He said he would pay me (about 1/2 of what I was making part time). Which I did without hesitation, even though it would put a strain on us financially.
Also during this time, DH and I decided to move our family across town so we would be closer to them. So for several months I was over there 7 days a week helping with mom, feeding, dressing, cooking etc. All while still running our household.
After Mom passed away about 15 months ago, I continued to go over there to take care of Dad. He is now 91 and looks and somewhat acts like a man 5 to 10 years younger.
He has a lady come in 2x per month to do the heavy cleaning, but I do everything else: all of the shopping, errands, cooking, etc. I take him to all of his doctors appointments and keep up with all of his medications and make sure he is taking them properly.
In addition, I am trying to go through the house they have lived in for over 50 years and all of the things they accumulated. My mother loved stuff.
I have been going through boxes and cabinets and taking photos of everything and posting it on our private family Facebook group so everyone can say if they would like something. It has been a long process because I haven't been able to so it every day and I am trying to find someone who could use the stuff rather than just hauling it all to the dump, which is what my brother wants to do.
And while one child is away at college and one is away at a boarding high school, I am still running two households., although I am only cooking one evening meal and DH comes by after work for supper then we go home once I have the kitchen cleaned.
This has been a stressful set up and DH and I talked and decided that if my Dad agreed, we would buy a house with enough room for us all to live together. We talked to Dad about it and he was like we will see.
At the same time, my brother has been pushing for him to move to assisted living. They moved SIL's mom into one last spring and I think that's what is behind it.
DH and I found a house that would be perfect, 2 ground floor masters and plenty of room for all of us. Only 2 miles from his current house, and in our price range. We took him and showed it to him and we discussed that we wanted him to live with us and we could make the move slowly, etc.
DH wasn't going forward with any purchase until he had a commitment from Dad that he would be willing to live with us. They talked and on Wednesday night last, Dad said he wasn't going to make any decision until after the holidays. Ok. We could live with that.
So imagine my surprise and utter shock when I called Dad on Saturday morning and he told me that brother and SIL were coming into town on Sunday (which they NEVER travel on the weekends).
I asked him if they were trying to get him into assisted living and he said, "well, we will talk about that".
Come to find out, while DH and I have been here, every freaking day taking care of Dad, my brother was using his daily phone calls to convince him that it was too much for me to take care of him and I was taking too long to clean out the house.
Spent the rest of the day Saturday crying and upset. We went over to see Dad yesterday morning before my brother got there and listened to him tell me all of the terrible things that MIGHT happen and how I wouldn't be able to take care of him, etc etc etc.
For probably the first time in my life I stood up and told my father exactly how I felt and how hurt I was that he and brother are making these decisions without me.
He is not going on FACT that there is nothing wrong with him and there is nothing that assisted living could do for him that I couldn't do myself. He is not the type of person to join in all the activities and go out and make all kinds of new friends. He will sit in his room and watch Fox news and the weather channel for 12 hours a day.
Over a dozen years ago, before mom got sick, I promised her that she and dad would not be put in a home unless as a last resort. I also promised her that I would look after my father if she went first.
So now, not only will I not be able to keep my promise to my mom, I won't have a purpose. I am a caretaker by nature, so without him to take care of, what am I supposed to do? I guess I am supposed to go back to work and then stop and see him and watch him watch the walls. Some life.
Of course, SIL is like "well I don't go see mom every day ". Well, that is fine and fucking dandy for you, but that is not ME, not who I am.
Of course, somehow it is now turned around and I am the selfish one and am acting horribly because I am upset that they are making all of these plans and decisions without including me or what my opinion is. Once again, I am being left out of the "grownup decisions" because I am the youngest and they don't think I can handle it.
Dad just called to see if I was going over there today and I said no, they should be able to fix his lunch and dinner since they are grown ass people. He wants to sit down and talk this all out.
Not sure what there is to talk about, he has decided that he's better off in a home surrounded by strangers. I told him DH and I would go over this evening because I need him there to have my back.
If you made it to the end of this massive word purge, thanks for listening. I just needed to get all of this out.