onawhim
Shy Member
Posts: 37 
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Post by onawhim on Nov 12, 2018 21:50:40 GMT
My dd is a freshman at college and from the minute she moved into her dorm room - her roommate has not made conversation with her. My dd has tried daily to start a conversation-roommate will answer the question but not ask anything in return or in any way attempt to keep the conversation going. Roommate actively avoids dd, does not say hello and will not offer to dine with her even when they are both at the dining hall sitting alone at separate tables.
Knowing that any decision is up to my dd - would you encourage her to move to another room at semester break? My dd is socially awkward but friendly. NOT confrontational at all - in fact the polar opposite, will bend over backward to avoid any drama or conflict.
To this point, I have just listened to her, sympathized with her and encouraged her to talk with both her roommate and her RA. What else can I do? I'd love to sit down and chat with the roomie (I won't)- we have mutual friends that say she is a nice girl. So I don't understand the freeze out. My dd says her roomie doesn't like her - but she doesn't even know her - hasn't even tried to get to know her so she can't truly dislike her.
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Post by mom on Nov 12, 2018 21:53:51 GMT
I’m of the opinion that you don’t have to like your roomie to co-habitate. Sure, it’s nice if you get along and you’re lifelong friends. But it isn’t the end of the world if you don’t either.
What’s your daughter doing to initiate a friendship? Is she asking her to sit with her in the dining hall? Offering to hang out with her?
To answer your question - no. I would not encourage my son to switch rooms. Life is about learning how to navigate the world where not everyone loves you or even likes you. I’d let him switch at the end of the year, but not mid semester unless something dangerous is happening or the roommate is hostile, stealing, etc
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:30:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 21:56:03 GMT
It happens. Roommates are not always a match made in heaven. Next year she will room with people she likes.
On the dark side: she can make the roommate so uncomfortable she moves out. Remember if the roommate moves out she still has to pay her share if of the room.
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onawhim
Shy Member
Posts: 37
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Post by onawhim on Nov 12, 2018 21:56:34 GMT
Ha - my daughter can't even get her to say hi to her. They are no where near able to offer to hangout together. Roommate has her own friends from high school on campus. Dd doesn't want to be "friends" with her, just wants to be able to have some casual conversation. An example, "how were your classes today?" is met with, "good." End of conversation.
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Post by hop2 on Nov 12, 2018 22:03:30 GMT
If you hadn’t said it was your DD I’d ask you if your kid was my sons room mate. Lol
Except neither my son nor his room mate converses or trys to converse. It’s been 3 months of one words answers and grunts. Room mate plays games with head phones a lot and my DS is frequently elsewhere with his friends. Nothing is hostile, no greivances, so I decided to keep my mouth shut about it.
Mine is also a sophomore so I have last year to know he’s capable of conversing with people if he wants to be. He spoke to his room mate last year and is good friends with his other 2 former suite mates from last year.
If it’s not hostile leave it up to your DD to solve the way she wants to, be it to endure it or to request a new room. If it’s not an emergency then leave it for your young adult to solve.
Hugs to you and your DD because it’s so hard to navigate these things sometimes.
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Post by pierkiss on Nov 12, 2018 22:06:36 GMT
Life’s much too short and college roommate issues are the pits (I know, I went through 5 in 3.5 years and some had some peculiar issues). Encourage her to put in for a room change. If granted, chances are she’ll get a better roommate. And she’ll be happier while she’s at school. 😁
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Post by compeateropeator on Nov 12, 2018 22:15:57 GMT
Roommate switching seemed to be common, especially after that 1st semester when I was in school.
In my experience...As people get to know other people, and especially those that were pledging, people seem to kind of self adjust the pairings that were put together randomly.
However one thing to remember is unless you can pick who you want change to/to room with, you might be moving into a worse situation.
Personally if there weren’t things that were scary and/or destructive, I would wait until next year, but start looking for someone that I know I could tolerate.
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,914
Location: Northern Virginia
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Nov 12, 2018 22:18:14 GMT
TO me, it sounds like the roommate is being borderline passive-agressive to make sure your DD knows without a doubt that they Will Not Be Friends. That's how I read it, at least. Since roommie already has a group of friends from her HS on campus, to me it sounds like she's trying to send out clear negative vibes to your DD to stay clear. The roommie may not know how to navigate a casual day-to-day living situation or even normal conversation. I would encourage her to talk to the RA and ask for a room change. If that's not possible, then she could ask the RA to sit down with both of them to clear the air and set some expectations.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 16:30:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 22:31:55 GMT
Make sure you check the fine print on any room changes. The dorm I was in didn’t allow changes unless both roomies agreed to it.
I didn’t. And my roommate moved into another room. She still had to pay for half the room plus half the other room. I must admit i loved it. What I didn’t love was the roommate telling lies about me. And she neglected to explain what her problems were.
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Belle
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Post by Belle on Nov 12, 2018 22:37:25 GMT
I had a roommate similar to your DD’s roommate. My roommate was extremely introverted and just wasn’t into socializing or small talk. She was definitely a good roommate though...never had any issues with her at all.
I did end up switching roommates that year, a friend from high school was looking for a roommate in a dorm that was more centrally located on campus so I moved in with her.
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Post by mom on Nov 12, 2018 22:38:51 GMT
Make sure you check the fine print on any room changes. The dorm I was in didn’t allow changes unless both roomies agreed to it.
I didn’t. And my roommate moved into another room. She still had to pay for half the room plus half the other room. I must admit i loved it. What I didn’t love was the roommate telling lies about me. And she neglected to explain what her problems were. This is how it is at DS school. If you sign on the line to room together, you are expected to agree if one wants to move. And if you both don't agree and you still move, you are responsible for your 1/2 even if you don't live there. |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Nov 12, 2018 22:56:52 GMT
It sounds like the roomie is not looking to make new friends.
Tell your Daughter not to take it personally, some people are just that way.
There may be others in your Daughters situation. It's not always easy to make new friends.
Advise Daughter....
If you see someone eating alone in cafeteria....Mind if I join you?
Make a big huge bowl of popcorn and go down to the dorm common room....announce I've got hot popcorn if anyone wants some. Tell her to to bring paper bowls and a scoop(<< sanitary reasons).
Ask someone from class...how's your report coming. Want to meet up and quiz each other on next weeks test material.
Conversation starters:
What's your major?
Where are you from?
Then segue from there.
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Post by buddysmom on Nov 12, 2018 23:10:28 GMT
Just wondering if this roommate never realized she was out of high school and now at college.
Since she is hanging out with her HS friends, was she in a HS click? --like cheerleaders that won't talk to the "regular" students, etc.
Usually right after HS, that seems to go away but if it is a local school that a lot of her friends go to, she may not want to let go of it--especially if she was "popular" in HS.
Sounds like roommate needs to grow up fast and realize that HS isn't forever.
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Post by LiLi on Nov 12, 2018 23:12:03 GMT
I'm such an introvert. I think you guys should just leave it as it is. Don't pressure the poor girl! My son is friendly and that's about it with his roommates. He has asperger's and really just wants to be left alone. They are rowdy and loud, he just wants his own space. It's all good!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 16:30:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 23:21:44 GMT
Another perspective here. It is possible that the roomie is just uncomfortable and socially awkward. My son is the sweetest kid (16), but has a hard time with social cues and having conversations. What your describing sounds like how he would respond not because he is unkind or unfriendly, but uncomfortable and has a hard time. Don't judge too quickly. If there is no real issues, then let things happen naturally when they are both more comfortable. Good for your DD for being friendly!
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 12, 2018 23:24:08 GMT
I had an unexpected roommate change one year when the girl I was planning to room with did not return to school for medical reasons. I got a transfer student instead. And it was horrible. Beyond horrible. (Long story - irrelevant.)
The dean of women reached out to another girl named Lynn who had a single room and asked if I could move in with her. Great. We were pretty sure we had nothing in common and didn't really think we even liked each other.
Lynn's been my best friend for life.
You do learn so much about yourself through the college dorm experience. There's no right or wrong here. She'll be okay if she sticks it out and she'll be okay if she moves. She just needs to decide what feels "right" to her.
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Post by Basket1lady on Nov 12, 2018 23:24:23 GMT
This sounds like my DD’s roommate last year. She just absolutely wouldn’t talk to my DD. Same thing—one word answers, never contributed anything to the room or the relationship, and never acknowledged DD if they saw each other on campus. DD said it could be worse-the roommate never messed with DD’s stuff, but was never in the room either. They did stick out the year together, but I was sad for DD that she didn’t have that relationship. Luckily, she has other friends and they are all planning a semester abroad next fall and plan to room together in the spring.
People are weird!
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 12, 2018 23:30:42 GMT
I’m of the opinion that you don’t have to like your roomie to co-habitate. Sure, it’s nice if you get along and you’re lifelong friends. But it isn’t the end of the world if you don’t either. What’s your daughter doing to initiate a friendship? Is she asking her to sit with her in the dining hall? Offering to hang out with her? To answer your question - no. I would not encourage my son to switch rooms. Life is about learning how to navigate the world where not everyone loves you or even likes you. I’d let him switch at the end of the year, but not mid semester unless something dangerous is happening or the roommate is hostile, stealing, etc I can see your point of view, but college roommates can be so awesome that spending another semester with a person who clearly isn't interested in my friendship would cause me to switch rooms. Why live with someone who actively avoids you and won't bother to say hello? Life is short. Find your tribe. |
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Post by ntsf on Nov 12, 2018 23:35:25 GMT
I had a room mate that I didn't ever know.. she didn't know my name, she was gone for weeks. never saw her. I didn't care.. she was not there to be my friend. 40 yrs later.. doesn't matter. I never had a room mate that became a friend. and it is ok.
Your dd needs to leave her alone.. talk to ra and find out monetary cost to moving.
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Post by shanni on Nov 12, 2018 23:55:26 GMT
This honestly sounds like my dd. She is so incredibly socially awkward. We learned just before she left for college that she has high functioning autism. She will text me and ask how to respond to things her roommate says. She just really struggles with any social situation and really takes a long time to warm up. We have been working on social skills and she’s getting better, but I do wonder what her roommate thinks. I would advise your dd to be patient with her roommate. She may warm up.
And if she doesn’t? A mute roommate is far better than a loud one, or a sloppy drunk one, or a stealing liar one. 😂
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Post by idahopea on Nov 13, 2018 0:10:10 GMT
One of my dearest friends still was a college roommate so I would encourage your dd to look around and see if anyone she knows is looking for a roommate for next semester. Lots of students leave for one reason or another at the break so maybe she will luck out and be able to change. It could be the roommate is not being nice in hopes that your dd will move out and no one will move in with her for 2nd semester so she will get a double as a private. It depends on the school if that could happen. If there are lots of vacancies, you might be able to pay extra and have your dd have her own room if she wants and can afford that. Just some things for dd to check into...
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Nov 13, 2018 1:56:36 GMT
I'm also going with socially awkward. Did the roommate specifically tell your daughter not to sit by her at lunch? Or has she just not sat by your daughter when she's already eating?
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Post by mrssmith on Nov 13, 2018 2:24:24 GMT
Does your DD have other friends? If so, I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think there's any way to "force" it.
My niece is a freshman in a suite (2 singles, 1 double). They all share a bathroom but there's no common living space. Niece is in a single. Two girls are on the same sports team but the 4 have not bonded. My niece is with her other friends or boyfriend, so she doesn't care. Not every match is a winner.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 13, 2018 3:25:01 GMT
I'd advice my daughter to concentrate on making other friends. There's an expectation that roommates are going to friends, it's often not the case. If one of those friendships turns into a new roommate situation, great. But there is zero need to be friend with your roommate.
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Post by gotranch on Nov 13, 2018 4:45:18 GMT
That sounds exactly like my dd's first roommate her freshman year. I told her she can only ask, invite, try to hold conversations for so long. I told her as long as she attempted to include and talk to her that was all she was required to do and after a while just to move on. Her roommate also went to bed early and would just turn off lights at 9 pm even if dd was studying. Dd is easy going and the kind of kid that can make friends with anyone - just about anyone ha, ha. She didn't feel very comfortable even having friends in her room because the roommate didn't interact with anyone.
Dd did move to another room on another floor the 2nd semester and was so much happier. She ended up in a room by herself - she didn't request it, it just happened. I say move on without a second thought.
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,850
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Post by teddyw on Nov 13, 2018 14:09:13 GMT
I don’t understand not agreeing to let a roommate move out who doesn’t want to live with you. Why would you want to force someone to stay who doesn’t want to be there?
2 of my dd’s knew people whose roommates moved out in the middle of the night. No warnings. 1 was just this semester.
I’d have her ask for a switch. Like someone else said she may get someone worse.
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onawhim
Shy Member
Posts: 37
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Post by onawhim on Nov 13, 2018 14:56:59 GMT
Thank you everyone. I'll pass the responses on to her and let her decide. Fear is probably what holds me back from 100% endorsement of moving out. While they do not speak, they are at least respectful of each other. My dd has made a few other friends but her closest has decided to transfer to another college at semester break. So she's back to having to search for someone to dine with. I feel for her.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Nov 13, 2018 15:06:49 GMT
What a horrible situation. I did not go to college, but my 3 children did. Four years fly by, but it is a time to make amazing memories and friends. I would encourage my kid to move find a new roommate at the break. It happens more often than you think.
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psiluvu
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Location: Canada's Capital
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Post by psiluvu on Nov 13, 2018 15:25:07 GMT
IMO I would let her move out. Her roommate situation wouldn't get much worse and it could get a whole better. Yes kids learn a lot for their first year away and living with room mates for the first time, but life is too short. You never know, a lifelong friend may just be out their waiting.
My dd had her roommate move out mid November last year because she wanted a private room. My dd was not heartbroken as they had very little in common. She got a new roommate after Christmas and while they got along very well they also weren't best buddies as her roomie had a boyfriend and went home for a 4 day weekend every week. By early March she would only be back on Tuesdays. This year my dd moved into a room in a house with 4 other girls who were all strangers to her and I think she has found her "tribe" She has made a whole new social circle. I thought this year would be awful for her because the 4 girls all lived together last year but they have embraced my dd as one of theirs and it seems to be great for all involved. You never know what is going to happen.
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Post by jassy on Nov 13, 2018 15:31:48 GMT
Personally, I would not encourage her to move out of this room, if it meant moving in with another random person because as far as her situation is right now, although not ideal, it is WAYYYYYY better than the random roommate many get their freshman year. IF she has as specific friend to move in with, that's a different story.
My freshman year roommate was agoraphobic (she wouldn't go to sleep until I was home every night) , stole from me, and spent every night for HOURS sobbing loudly on the phone with her long-distance boyfriend. Yes, up all night after I would rush home so that she could fall asleep and not lie awake in terror staring at the ceiling. I still hate the name RYANNNNNN! to this day because of listening to her yell his name over and over and over again. LOL.
My cousin's freshman year roommate got smashed every weekend, brought random men into their room, and was very angry when drunk and would try to fight my cousin.
We both moved out from those roommates our first semester freshman year.
Those are BAD roommate situations. Your daughter's roommate is frosty and won't talk to her. Eh. Unpleasant for sure, BUT if she moves out to go with someone random, well she could be with the REALLY bad roommate someone else left.
Something to really think about....
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