momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 11, 2018 2:29:18 GMT
I could use some opinions on a situation. I'll try to give a short version and maybe I could get some advice. I've had a falling out with my mother, it happened probably almost 1 1/2 years ago. We had a disagreement back then, I apologized and tried to move forward. She was obviously very pissed off and we were cordial, but distant. I apologized trying to smooth things over....she imo was the one that should have been apologizing, but she did never did.
Moving forward we were cordial, texted every so often. Her birthday was a few months back and I visited, things were fine, went and got some dinner. My birthday was shortly thereafter, she dropped by and things seemed fine. She came by almost 3 months ago, things seemed fine, but I haven't heard from her since.
Normally on a holiday she'd text in the AM, no text...I realized mid-morning she didn't so I texted her wishing her a nice day. This would normally open up a conversation with her, instead she just said have a nice day.
So clearly something new has transpired....considering the lack of contact I have no idea what. It could literally be anything - could be something someone said or did or something I or my family didn't do. I can't put a finger on anything it could be. In recent months I sent her some info that deserved acknowledgement on her part and she just ignored it. Oh and a big piece of this is that she doesn't talk about things, if she's actually willing to discuss something it's not a discussion, she basically just sits there and cries.
So basically after all that has gone on, i'm very hurt. I've gone above and beyond for my parents in the past, I've always done a ton for them (btw dad just follows along with whatever she does to avoid conflict with her.) To be honest I just can't fathom ever severing my relationship with my children, so I just don't get her at all. I guess mainly it's the time of year and the fact that she's flat out excluding me from things that is bothering me today.
Here's my conflict. I am currently contemplating emailing her (because this gets around the nothing answer or the crying) to ask what I have done to offend her because it seems that I must have done something for her to be more distant than she was. The flip side of this is she's not a very nice person in general. She's talked a lot of crap about me to other people as someone mentioned it to me (and she talks crap about everyone so it wasn't a total surprise.) The bottom line is I don't really want much contact with her so I feel like if I reach out I may end up with her trying to have more contact than I wish or that it's a good possibility that she'll just ignore me entirely. The peas always raise good questions to think about so i'm hoping you'll give me some feedback and things to consider that maybe I haven't.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 11, 2018 2:55:40 GMT
I could use some opinions on a situation. I'll try to give a short version and maybe I could get some advice. I've had a falling out with my mother, it happened probably almost 1 1/2 years ago. We had a disagreement back then, I apologized and tried to move forward. She was obviously very pissed off and we were cordial, but distant. I apologized trying to smooth things over....she imo was the one that should have been apologizing, but she did never did. Moving forward we were cordial, texted every so often. Her birthday was a few months back and I visited, things were fine, went and got some dinner. My birthday was shortly thereafter, she dropped by and things seemed fine. She came by almost 3 months ago, things seemed fine, but I haven't heard from her since. Normally on a holiday she'd text in the AM, no text...I realized mid-morning she didn't so I texted her wishing her a nice day. This would normally open up a conversation with her, instead she just said have a nice day. So clearly something new has transpired....considering the lack of contact I have no idea what. It could literally be anything - could be something someone said or did or something I or my family didn't do. I can't put a finger on anything it could be. In recent months I sent her some info that deserved acknowledgement on her part and she just ignored it. Oh and a big piece of this is that she doesn't talk about things, if she's actually willing to discuss something it's not a discussion, she basically just sits there and cries. So basically after all that has gone on, i'm very hurt. I've gone above and beyond for my parents in the past, I've always done a ton for them (btw dad just follows along with whatever she does to avoid conflict with her.) To be honest I just can't fathom ever severing my relationship with my children, so I just don't get her at all. I guess mainly it's the time of year and the fact that she's flat out excluding me from things that is bothering me today.Here's my conflict. I am currently contemplating emailing her (because this gets around the nothing answer or the crying) to ask what I have done to offend her because it seems that I must have done something for her to be more distant than she was. The flip side of this is she's not a very nice person in general. She's talked a lot of crap about me to other people as someone mentioned it to me (and she talks crap about everyone so it wasn't a total surprise.) The bottom line is I don't really want much contact with her so I feel like if I reach out I may end up with her trying to have more contact than I wish or that it's a good possibility that she'll just ignore me entirely. The peas always raise good questions to think about so i'm hoping you'll give me some feedback and things to consider that maybe I haven't. She responded to your text? How is that severing the relationship and excluding you? I have a sister that I used to walk on eggshells whenever I had to deal with her. She liked to give us (my mom, sisters and I) the silent treatment until we apologized and begged her forgiveness. I realized I was spending too much time second guessing how to make her happy and just stopped. Do you still want an apology from her? |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Dec 11, 2018 3:17:38 GMT
Normally on a holiday she'd text in the AM, no text...I realized mid-morning she didn't so I texted her wishing her a nice day. This would normally open up a conversation with her, instead she just said have a nice day. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm missing something-- what holiday? |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 11, 2018 3:19:37 GMT
Your relationship with your children (or your hopeful future relationship with them) doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with your mother now, in my opinion. If she won't discuss what the issue is, why do you feel like you need to bend over backwards to soothe her feelings about some possibly non-existent issue? Why should YOU have to always take the first step(s) in the avenue of communication? Some parents just aren't worth the effort-- if trying to communicate with her stresses you out, then my opinion is-- don't do it any longer. Don't expect anything from her-- and don't think she'll be able to change anything about how she acts-- if she wanted to, she would. Sometimes you just have to let it go; acknowledge she can't be the mom you want, and don't give her any more of your time or mental effort.
my DH tried- so many times- with his mother... and he finally gave it up, let it go, and hasn't spoken to her for almost 15 years. He tried to jump through all of her hoops, but it never changed anything with her and how she acted- he finally realized he was beating his head against a wall. Kind of like "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, trying / hoping for a different result." She could find him if she wanted to-- we're not hiding-- but she hasn't. So that tells us where he fits into her priorities. He no longer has the stress her drama brings with it. I wish he had had the mom he should have had as a kid, but she just lacked something in that regard-- and he's pretty much made his peace with it. It's her loss, not his.
ETA: I'm guessing the holiday was Thanksgiving??
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 11, 2018 3:35:55 GMT
I could use some opinions on a situation. I'll try to give a short version and maybe I could get some advice. I've had a falling out with my mother, it happened probably almost 1 1/2 years ago. We had a disagreement back then, I apologized and tried to move forward. She was obviously very pissed off and we were cordial, but distant. I apologized trying to smooth things over....she imo was the one that should have been apologizing, but she did never did. Moving forward we were cordial, texted every so often. Her birthday was a few months back and I visited, things were fine, went and got some dinner. My birthday was shortly thereafter, she dropped by and things seemed fine. She came by almost 3 months ago, things seemed fine, but I haven't heard from her since. Normally on a holiday she'd text in the AM, no text...I realized mid-morning she didn't so I texted her wishing her a nice day. This would normally open up a conversation with her, instead she just said have a nice day. So clearly something new has transpired....considering the lack of contact I have no idea what. It could literally be anything - could be something someone said or did or something I or my family didn't do. I can't put a finger on anything it could be. In recent months I sent her some info that deserved acknowledgement on her part and she just ignored it. Oh and a big piece of this is that she doesn't talk about things, if she's actually willing to discuss something it's not a discussion, she basically just sits there and cries. So basically after all that has gone on, i'm very hurt. I've gone above and beyond for my parents in the past, I've always done a ton for them (btw dad just follows along with whatever she does to avoid conflict with her.) To be honest I just can't fathom ever severing my relationship with my children, so I just don't get her at all. I guess mainly it's the time of year and the fact that she's flat out excluding me from things that is bothering me today.Here's my conflict. I am currently contemplating emailing her (because this gets around the nothing answer or the crying) to ask what I have done to offend her because it seems that I must have done something for her to be more distant than she was. The flip side of this is she's not a very nice person in general. She's talked a lot of crap about me to other people as someone mentioned it to me (and she talks crap about everyone so it wasn't a total surprise.) The bottom line is I don't really want much contact with her so I feel like if I reach out I may end up with her trying to have more contact than I wish or that it's a good possibility that she'll just ignore me entirely. The peas always raise good questions to think about so i'm hoping you'll give me some feedback and things to consider that maybe I haven't. She responded to your text? How is that severing the relationship and excluding you? I have a sister that I used to walk on eggshells whenever I had to deal with her. She liked to give us (my mom, sisters and I) the silent treatment until we apologized and begged her forgiveness. I realized I was spending too much time second guessing how to make her happy and just stopped. Do you still want an apology from her? Sorry trying to not write a whole book so some details get lost. She did respond to my text, just not in a usual way which would have been more conversational. There were things we generally did together or with family and she's done them without asking if I would like to join. As for as the apology, I never asked for one nor do I ever think i'll hear those words come out of her mouth. I apologized myself hoping to smooth things over. The more I write this out, the more I realize the insanity of it. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm missing something-- what holiday? It was Thanksgiving that I was talking about. Thanks Crimsoncat05! You've made a lot of good points. I guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself at this point. She's not very nice and I really hate that she's bashing me to others too. I feel embarrassed that she's been talking trash about me behind my back. It's all just been a lot. I'm one of those who likes to have answers so I keep thinking that i'd like to know what it is I've done....but really who knows if she'd answer that. |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 11, 2018 3:42:17 GMT
Whatever SHE think's you've done, does it really matter? What would her explanation get you, other than stress over the conversation, and you'd probably end up trying to tell her that you didn't do whatever she imagines. Is it worth your stress and angst over it to keep asking her to tell you what you did wrong? I'm projecting based on what I know about DH's mother, but with her, everything was about HER. She would probably have LOVED the drama of someone asking 'what did I do?' and she'd play the martyr in being hurt by some imaginary slight. You know you didn't do anything to her; don't play into her game. And the people who know you probably know you didn't, too.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 11, 2018 3:51:11 GMT
Honestly I would just let it go. You’ve said she’s not a very nice person and has been talking smack behind your back. Why continue to add fuel to that fire? Why continue to entangle yourself with all that? The less you have to do with her, the less ammunition she has to talk about you to others. Like Crimsoncat said, some parents just aren’t worth the effort or the drama that they bring.
If there are other family members who are also involved with the holiday family things you want to participate in, why not talk to them and get the info you need to take part (unless they are happening at mom’s house, then it would be difficult or awkward). Why does the info/invite have to come from mom?
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 11, 2018 3:54:18 GMT
I would be cordial, and for now, I would leave it up to her to make the next move. It sounds like she enjoys being in control. From your name here, it sounds like you have plenty to do. Spend your time and energy on the relationships that are in your life that are working. If she is talking poorly about you, well, you don't need that in your life.
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Post by mom26 on Dec 11, 2018 3:56:03 GMT
I'm just going to say 'ditto' to everything crimsoncat05 has said. I learned a long time ago - from personal experience and watching others go through it - that just because you are 'blood' does not mean you are obligated to accept emotional abuse from them. Myself and those I know who did the same are much better off after making the break. You should never allow someone to make you miserable, no matter who they are. Even mothers. |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Dec 11, 2018 4:11:22 GMT
Thank you for answering me, momto4kiddos. It seems pretty obvious now that you say it was Thanksgiving, but I kept reading the post as saying your text and everything after happening today, so I was confused and thinking that in this instance, she was just perplexed about why you were contacting her about a holiday today, but I see that's not the case. I don't have any real advice, but I think the posters above me had some good thoughts. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 21:01:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 4:16:12 GMT
Do you really want to know the answer to your question? If she responds that you slighted her in some way, are you prepared to apologize or beg for forgiveness. If not, then let it go. It doesn't sound like it would be a healthy relationship for you to engage with her more frequently anyway.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 11, 2018 4:50:22 GMT
You've been given some good advice here. Apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong gives her power over you. I think seasidemermaid is right, asking her what you've done to offend her puts her back in the power position again and leaves you with the decision on whether to apologize unnecessarily again. And the cycle continues.  It sounds like she enjoys creating drama and you have nothing to lose keeping some distance right now. |
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299 
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Post by Mystie on Dec 11, 2018 4:59:01 GMT
So you're thinking about e-mailing her to ask what you've done to offend her...I just don't see any outcome to that conversation that would make you feel better in any way, do you? I think you would feel better in the long run just stepping off her merry-go-round. I know in the short run it's nice to have closure and some answers, but you know your mom well enough to know the likelihood of that.
Can you do an end-run around her to reach out other family in order to attend family events? It hurts to be left out, I know.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on Dec 11, 2018 6:05:10 GMT
Sounds to me that you don't have to do anything to make her mad. She will talk nasty about you anyways. You can't make or wish her into the mother you would like her to be. Just be you and quit worrying asmbout her actions. It's her, not you.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 11, 2018 11:30:34 GMT
Love all of you peas so much! You've helped so much once again. I think Mystie's post made me realize that i'm probably looking for some closure. I think I mentioned I like answers to things so I think the not knowing bugs me. But I agree in the long run it would be better to step off the merry go round. She had a horrible relationship with her mother in which she to this day is the victim (and her other has been dead over 30 years!) You've been given some good advice here. Apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong gives her power over you. I think seasidemermaid is right, asking her what you've done to offend her puts her back in the power position again and leaves you with the decision on whether to apologize unnecessarily again. And the cycle continues. It sounds like she enjoys creating drama and you have nothing to lose keeping some distance right now. Seasidemermaid made a good point, if I ask then I need to respond in some way and i'm not willing to keep apologizing or begging her for forgiveness. Being in the situation sometimes makes you overlook the obvious which is that this cycle just continues to give her power. I generally do pretty well with it until there are holidays or special occasions - times that are spent with family that trip me up. |
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on Dec 11, 2018 11:41:06 GMT
Go to Reddit and check out r/raisedbynarcissists and r/justnoMIL (for moms, too)
There’s a lot of great advice and some entertaining yet horrifying stories ;usually make you feel better about your life)
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 11, 2018 12:05:51 GMT
I think Mystie's post made me realize that i'm probably looking for some closure. I think I mentioned I like answers to things so I think the not knowing bugs me. But I agree in the long run it would be better to step off the merry go round. Trying to read between the lines, this doesn't seem like a case where you want to burn all bridges and cut her completely out of your life. But you do need to let go of the fantasy expectations of what you 'wish' the relationship would be. It is the relationship it is. Why not just stay in occasional touch and keep it cordial? That way when there are family gatherings, it's less awkward for everyone. Think of it as a gift to your own children. They have the opportunity to have some sort of relationship with their grandmother and won't create their own fantasy of 'what could have been' with grandma if only mom hadn't cut her out of our lives. |
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Post by not2peased on Dec 11, 2018 15:37:59 GMT
Until someone tells me they are upset with me, and tells me why, I assume everything is fine, and I act accordingly.
I have no time to read the tea leaves or otherwise figure it out-makes life WAY easier and I apply that to EVERYONE in my life.
I wouldn't be asking her anything-I would just proceed with my life and if she wants to tell you, let her. If she wants the relationship to die a slow death because she won't engage, then so be it.
chances are, it will make her crazy that you aren't asking her what's wrong-if she finally breaks and decides to give you crap for not knowing what sin you committed, just respond with "I figured it you were mad at me, you would let me know about it and we could talk about it" or my personal favorite (told my sister this recently) "I proceed as if nothing is wrong, until someone in fact, tells me something is wrong-it's made my life a lot less complicated"
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 21:01:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 15:48:35 GMT
Your post brought back many memories of my own relationship with my mother (God rest her soul). It was very difficult and seems very similar to yours. HER psychiatrist told me to stop trying to please her and walk away and take care of myself, so I could take care of my own family.
Best advice EVER. I did it and was a much happier person.
Good luck, its hard.
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,032
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Post by scrappyesq on Dec 11, 2018 16:02:23 GMT
Your relationship with your children (or your hopeful future relationship with them) doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with your mother now, in my opinion. If she won't discuss what the issue is, why do you feel like you need to bend over backwards to soothe her feelings about some possibly non-existent issue? Why should YOU have to always take the first step(s) in the avenue of communication? Some parents just aren't worth the effort-- if trying to communicate with her stresses you out, then my opinion is-- don't do it any longer. Don't expect anything from her-- and don't think she'll be able to change anything about how she acts-- if she wanted to, she would. Sometimes you just have to let it go; acknowledge she can't be the mom you want, and don't give her any more of your time or mental effort. my DH tried- so many times- with his mother... and he finally gave it up, let it go, and hasn't spoken to her for almost 15 years. He tried to jump through all of her hoops, but it never changed anything with her and how she acted- he finally realized he was beating his head against a wall. Kind of like "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, trying / hoping for a different result." She could find him if she wanted to-- we're not hiding-- but she hasn't. So that tells us where he fits into her priorities. He no longer has the stress her drama brings with it. I wish he had had the mom he should have had as a kid, but she just lacked something in that regard-- and he's pretty much made his peace with it. It's her loss, not his. ETA: I'm guessing the holiday was Thanksgiving?? This is very much along the lines of what I was thinking. Someone who gave birth to you doesn't have free reign to torture you just because of that status. I say torture only because it seems like you've tried multiple times in multiple ways to appease her (even looking past behavior that should have led to her apologizing). I know it's hard to fathom but sometimes we don't get the mother we deserve. When I feel bad I look at my friends who are amazing moms and I realize that there are tons of good mothers out there. Mine wasn't one of them. It sounds like you have some soul searching to do. If it were me I would drop the rope and focus on the people in my life who do actually bring me joy. |
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Post by giatocj on Dec 11, 2018 16:50:46 GMT
On Thanksgiving you tried and she was cold in her response. I'd be done with it all. If she wants to talk to you, have contact with you...whatever...let her make the first move going forward.
Life is way too short to put up with this kind of bullshit from anyone, including your mom or any other family member. Blood doesn't entitle them to what amounts to emotional extortion at the very least and emotional abuse at the worst. No one has that right. I speak from experience with my own mom and our long lost relationship. I wish I had moved on a long time ago, before the damage was done.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
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Post by cycworker on Dec 11, 2018 18:23:21 GMT
I agree with everyone else.
My only concerns are the talking smack behind your back, and the risk of being excluded from events. In terms of the events, I wouldn't care about not seeing her -- it would be the others I'd miss out on.
A part of me would be willing to,play the game, if necessary, to make sure I got invited to things I want to attend. I wouldnt actually mean any apologies I issued; they'd strictly be strategic.
But I see that as taking some power from her.
I'd also do what I could to undermine the crap she's saying behind my back.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Dec 11, 2018 18:28:22 GMT
Based on my own experience with a difficult mother, I would move on. It is very liberating.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
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Post by Mystie on Dec 11, 2018 19:27:00 GMT
Re: closure...one of the hardest things I had to learn as an adult was that you just don't get it sometimes. And that there are people who get off on denying it to you. Moving on without closure/answers is tough, but it can be done. When I was able to fill my gap with healthier relationships, that need and the hurt that went with it melted away.
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Post by rcarpen on Dec 11, 2018 19:32:27 GMT
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Post by papersilly on Dec 11, 2018 19:35:07 GMT
part of the difficulty in walking away is the sadness over what could have been. you kind of hold out hope that things could normalize or that person could change. sadly they don't so the next move is yours.
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Post by chlerbie on Dec 11, 2018 20:12:47 GMT
I had a difficult relationship with my dad. We tried talking about things, and he'd make promises he'd never follow through on. I spent many years wondering why I wasn't good enough, etc. The last time I saw him, we had an argument, though things were smoothed over before I left. But after that, I just totally made the decision that I was done. I was the only one who was truly bothered by how things were and I was allowing him to hurt me, even when he was nowhere around, just by thinking about the situation. I think I grieved more over the idea of what I wanted from a father than really over him and once I got past that, my life was much lighter. I loved him, and he loved me as much as he was capable of, but we were never going to have a real relationship. He died several years ago, and while I had spent so much time in my life hoping for some closure, it never came, but I'd gotten past that by just letting him go previously.
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Post by rcarpen on Dec 11, 2018 20:57:57 GMT
part of the difficulty in walking away is the sadness over what could have been. you kind of hold out hope that things could normalize or that person could change. sadly they don't so the next move is yours. Yes....this exactly. I try to be kind, but it is extremely hard sometimes. Sometimes mental health concerns are part of the problem, but you cannot make someone get help if they don’t want it. |
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,175
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Post by scrapnnana on Dec 11, 2018 22:17:24 GMT
I haven't read all of the replies, but I read a few, and your second response/clarification. Based on that, this is what I would do:
I would email her and say something along the lines of "I get the feeling that you are upset about something, but I have no idea what it could be. If I have said or done anything that hurt your feelings, it was certainly not intentional on my part."
It's not an apology, just a clarification. If she doesn't open up, then take a breath, step back, and go on with your life. Stop letting her manipulate or guilt you for things that have upset her. You cannot help the way she chooses to act. She is supposed to be a grown woman.
It sounds as though less contact with her would be a relief to you. I don't normally like to see rifts in families, but after surviving a toxic friend relationship, I have learned that some people can make your life miserable. I'm not saying your mom is toxic, but it sounds like you might need to step back and take a deep breath for the time being.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Dec 12, 2018 0:45:07 GMT
She's not very nice and I really hate that she's bashing me to others too. I feel embarrassed that she's been talking trash about me behind my back. It's all just been a lot. let that go... people who know you will know that doesn't sound like you. people who believe, well who the hell are they anyway?? i suspect she knows you and how to push your buttons. she knows you will crave some kind of explanation or closure and anticipating that with her actions. refuse to play to the expectation and flip the script. if she wants to talk to you, she can reach out and you can decide how you want to proceed. i am sorry... i know it hurts. |
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Southern Side eyed Pea 
