Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,834 
Location: NW PA
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Post by Judy26 on Dec 16, 2018 0:56:21 GMT
This will be long. Please be patient. My parents were married for 62 years and raised 4 kids. During this time my father was pretty easygoing and my mother was a tyrant about getting her own way. Everyone just kind of went with that because if Dad wasn’t going to expect her to change then what could we do?
8 months ago my father became ill and during his illness and hospitalizations we all pitched in. I spent a total of three weeks of that time in my own home an hour away. The rest of the time I was either with my father in the hospital or at my parent’s house helping out. I took weeks off of work so I could be with them. I do not regret one minute of this time. During this period we again never said a word to my Mom about her demanding ways. It wasn’t the time or place to expect change.
My Father passed away 2 1/2 months ago. Since then I have stayed with my Mom at least 5 days a week. My Mom has grown increasingly demanding and critical of everything I do. It got to the point that other family members joked that I was her resident pack mule and whipping boy.
Which brings us us to today. I totally lost it on her. I told her that I would do anything in my power to help her but she needed to stop being so rude and mean when she didn’t get her own way. I told her that I am hurting too over the loss of my father. And I told her that just because my Dad put up with her constant nagging didn’t mean that I was going to. She responded with a few very nasty comments and I packed my stuff and drove home.
My sister is furious with me. I know I should feel guilty and call and apologize but at this moment I’m not sorry. I can’t remember ever raising my voice to either of my parents and today I totally lost my shit on my 84 year old mother. So what’s the verdict? Am I going straight to hell? Do I need to call her and apologize for being rude? Can I have at least one day to enjoy not having someone call me asking for one more thing? Sigh...I know. I’m going to hell....
Update - Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. I read every one several times and it was very cathartic. I admit to sobbing ugly snotty tears. It felt like someone finally understood. My Mom just called my daughter ostensibly to see what her Christmas plans were but really to get a feel for my attitude. DD told her that I was taking a few days and would be in touch. And it seems my sister stayed with her last night so she wasn’t alone. I’m glad for that.
I will not back down on disallowing my mother to be demanding and rude to me or my immediate family. I will apologize for my tone and I’m planning on stepping back from the role of caretaker. If she needs specific help with something I’m glad to step up as long as boundaries are respected. I will offer to pay for live in help if that is necessary at some point. As for my siblings, one thing I learned long ago from the Peas is that other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. They don’t have to agree with my decisions concerning my mom and that’s fine by me.
My husband just said to me “Do you realize this is the first time since April that the four of us have been in this house at the same time for more than a few minutes?” So we’re baking cookies, ordering pizza and watching movies.
So again, thank you for sharing your compassion and wisdom with a fellow Pea. I am so grateful to be a part of this Pod.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Dec 16, 2018 0:59:55 GMT
Honestly, it should have been done years ago by your father because he enabled her to treat everyone like that. I wouldn't apologize for speaking the truth but I've never had a family member act like your mom. Hugs to you.
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Post by busy on Dec 16, 2018 1:02:36 GMT
Stop beating yourself up. It doesn’t matter that she’s old, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. No one does. She needs to be decent.
I would not apologize for what you said. I’d tell her I wish I’d told her the same things more calmly rather than yelling but I would NOT take back what was said.
And you do not owe her five days a week. What about YOU???
It’s awful that your family members joke about how she treats you. It’s not funny, it’s cruel. They should defend you and they should help more. You’ve given so much of yourself and your life for nearly a years. You need a break.
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Post by christine58 on Dec 16, 2018 1:02:44 GMT
Your siblings need to help out more first of all. How does your sister know about this?? Did you or your mom tell her?? I think you both need a break from each other. If she is capable of living alone, let her. Maybe get her some help with some things. I think you could apologize for yelling but not about what you said.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Dec 16, 2018 1:03:16 GMT
I wouldn't apologize either. Your sister can go help out for a bit. You need a rest. You're already a saint so no hell.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 16, 2018 1:06:31 GMT
You did not do anything wrong and don't let anyone tell you that you did. Just because she is old and your mother, does not put you under any obligation to put up with it. You've gone above and beyond. She's a big girl and will reap what she sowed.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 16, 2018 1:08:31 GMT
I'll tell you another little secret. People like your mom will shit on the person who does the most for them and have nothing but praise for the ones who do nothing for them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 16:30:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 1:14:01 GMT
People grieving get a pass, but not a license to continue abusing others. You were right to speak up and you can apologize for the way you expressed yourself, but don't apologize for what you had to say. I'm sorry this transpired as I know you are grieving as well.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,843
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Dec 16, 2018 1:23:06 GMT
I agree with the others... could it have been said better??? Sure but would that have made an impact... at least now she knows you wont take the abuse anymore... and while 84 is older.. it is not an excuse...
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Post by MichyM on Dec 16, 2018 1:39:28 GMT
NO. You are not horrible. You are HUMAN.
Take a breather for the evening. Deal with it tomorrow. Or the next day. You deserve some time to figure out how you want to move forward with her.
Big, squishy hugs.
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Post by mustlovecats on Dec 16, 2018 1:42:40 GMT
Good on you for standing up for yourself and advocating for your needs. Sometimes we wait too long and we snap and conflict occurs because we blow up a little bit at the same time - you advocated for yourself and that’s okay. My advice is to give it a few days, apologize for blowing up, and ask how you can go about making life better for everyone involved. And get support where you can. Errand or housekeeping help, cooking help, care help. And support for yourself.
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Post by catck on Dec 16, 2018 1:45:15 GMT
I think you have been an angel rather than a bitch. Sometimes you just have to let someone have it with both barrels, after all you are also grieving. Don't apologise you have done nothing wrong. About time the rest of the family took a hand in helping out rather than leaving it all to you and then laughing. Hugs to you.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 16, 2018 1:45:39 GMT
I'll tell you another little secret. People like your mom will shit on the person who does the most for them and have nothing but praise for the ones who do nothing for them. Amen, sister. Thankfully my mom was still mostly nice when she went down the Alzheimer’s rabbit hole, but even she would get testy at times with my brother and me who put in the most time caring for her. As for you Judy26, no, you’re not going to hell. You were already in it! You definitely need more help though. Whether it comes in the form of your siblings stepping up and doing more, moving mom closer to you to make it easier to check on her, taking her to an adult daycare a couple days a week or maybe getting some in-home respite care so you can have a break, you need to make some changes because what you’ve described isn’t going to work long term for you or your mom. You’re getting burned out, plain and simple. I wouldn’t apologize either, at least not for what was said. I might apologize for my tone but not the message. It needed to be said a long time ago but no one ever did. And finally, I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. The man sounds like he was a saint for putting up with someone so mean and nasty for so long! Hugs to you, you sound like you need one. |
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Dec 16, 2018 1:49:34 GMT
My sympathies for the loss of your father. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.
First of all, you are not going to hell. I'm surprised that is your first reaction, because if my mom was acting like that and I spoke up, I'd feel justified, not guilty. Honestly, that feeling of guilt was probably ingrained into you by your mother in order to have control.
While I haven't read it, I would look into the book Boundaries. My understanding of the book is that you just put boundaries for yourself, then disengage/leave if they don't respect them. For example, "If you raise your voice after I ask you to lower it, I will have to leave" or something like that.
Best of luck as you navigate this stressful time. ❤
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 16, 2018 1:51:44 GMT
Sorry for the loss of your dad. It takes time to get back on track after a major loss.
You are not going to hell! Yelling is not so good, but what you said should have been said long long ago! Your sister is out of line. Time for her to step up if your mother still needs help. I'm not quite that old, but I sure wouldn't treat anyone that way, shame on her!
Rest and relax, take some time for yourself! You deserve it after the last 8 months.
(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
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Post by Zee on Dec 16, 2018 1:54:25 GMT
I will never ever understand the idea that family members, especially parents, are allowed to walk all over you just because they brought you into this world.
I would have left her long ago and been back when she could be civil. Until then, she can carry on with her own bad self. Your sister can take over if she's so moved, until they decide to treat you with respect.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
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Post by trollie on Dec 16, 2018 1:58:37 GMT
You did the right thing.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Dec 16, 2018 2:03:09 GMT
No you are not going to hell. If your sister is that furious, then she should be over there helping out. It is way past time for other members of your family to take a turn at being the "resident pack mule and whipping boy". It's admirable that you wanted to be there to help with your elderly parents, but you need to realize there is a fine line between helping and being a martyr. No one appreciates a martyr. It's obvious your family doesn't if they are cracking jokes at your expense. Take a break and insist the family step up to help, or they can choose to pay for help.
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Post by pierkiss on Dec 16, 2018 2:09:51 GMT
I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief and emptiness are so hard to deal with and navigate. It is so hard to navigate those emotions. I don’t think you were wrong to flip out on your mom. You have reached you’re breaking point, and you let it be known. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself when someone is continuously treating you badly and saying, “hey! This is not okay and you can’t continue doing it!” She should have been told a long time ago, by your dad and your siblings and whoever else she treated badly. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you finally said enough. It doesn’t matter that your mom is 80+ and a widow. If she has been acting like this forever, she needs to be told that it’s not ok, and that she needs to stop it. Old dogs can indeed learn new tricks.  And she can learn to treat people with kindness. (Now if this was all new behavior hat occurred following the loss of your dad I would have a much different opinion). Your sister can be as pissed as she wants. Has she been helping all this time with your dad and now your mom? Has she been the brunt of your moms behavior? Her anger does not detract from your feelings. She can go right ahead and step in to fill your shoes. You’re not going to hell. You didn’t do anything wrong. You stood up for yourself and said enough. |
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Post by elaine on Dec 16, 2018 2:10:57 GMT
If your mom needs constant supervision and/or company, it sounds like this is the time to move her into an Assisted Living community. She can make friends and be less lonely. She can also choose whether she wants to cook in her room or go eat food that someone else cooked in the community dining hall.
You are sacrificing too much of yourself in caring for her.
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AgnesDeux
Full Member
Posts: 217
Jul 7, 2014 0:50:46 GMT
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Post by AgnesDeux on Dec 16, 2018 2:15:22 GMT
My sympathies for the loss of your father. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. First of all, you are not going to hell. I'm surprised that is your first reaction, because if my mom was acting like that and I spoke up, I'd feel justified, not guilty. Honestly, that feeling of guilt was probably ingrained into you by your mother in order to have control. While I haven't read it, I would look into the book Boundaries. My understanding of the book is that you just put boundaries for yourself, then disengage/leave if they don't respect them. For example, "If you raise your voice after I ask you to lower it, I will have to leave" or something like that. Best of luck as you navigate this stressful time. ❤ Thank you for the reminder of this book! I live pretty much what the original poster does. it's perfect timing as I am totally burned out. |
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Post by MissBianca on Dec 16, 2018 2:16:11 GMT
Sorry for your loss. You don’t need to apologize right now, let things simmer down first. Either your mom will change her ways or she won’t. If she apologizes for her behavior than you can apologize for your outburst. If she doesn’t change, then you are still justified in your outburst.
As for your sister, she’s probably furious because now she gets a turn at being the whipping post. Your siblings need to help out too. Mine have not been helpful since my mom passed in May, and trust me I’m about to lose my shit too. So you aren’t alone in your feelings.
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AgnesDeux
Full Member
Posts: 217
Jul 7, 2014 0:50:46 GMT
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Post by AgnesDeux on Dec 16, 2018 2:17:11 GMT
I am living your life, I think. Maybe we even share a mother?  . I have totally lost my mind on my mother too. She acts hurt for a day or two and then goes back to her old ways. Having no short-term memory doesn't help! I hope you can find some peace. |
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Post by leslie132 on Dec 16, 2018 2:18:32 GMT
Your sister that is furious...... has she been helping out? Or is she mostly mad at the fact that now she may have to pitch in.
I’m sorry. Your mom should have been told long ago that her behavior is unacceptable. In my opinion you won’t be going to hell, and if you stand your ground maybe your mom will give you the respect and love you deserve.
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dald222
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,602
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Post by dald222 on Dec 16, 2018 2:21:41 GMT
I am sorry for the loss of your father and I am sorry your mom is being mean
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 16, 2018 2:28:33 GMT
Do not call your mom and apologize.
Do email your siblings and let them know as of today you cannot continue to support your mom by essentially moving in. Either they step up and provide support to keep her in her home (doing it themselves or paying for home care help) or it's time to look at a senior living option.
Your mom is not going to change and you should not feel guilty about saying enough is enough.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,916
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Post by pilcas on Dec 16, 2018 2:29:35 GMT
I'll tell you another little secret. People like your mom will shit on the person who does the most for them and have nothing but praise for the ones who do nothing for them. This. I have seen it happen many times. |
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Post by newfcathy on Dec 16, 2018 2:52:02 GMT
You are not going to hell. Leaving was probably the best thing that you could have done.
Don’t call for a few days.
My sister & I had to stick up for ourselves with our mom when she was recovering from a fall & head injury. As the fog lifted, she got super bitchy, she could be difficult anyway. We had to either cut our visits short or return her to the facility. It only took a few times for her to realize that we weren’t going to tolerate that behavior.
Luckily as her Alzheimer’s progressed she actually became nicer, more mellow.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Dec 16, 2018 3:11:34 GMT
Well, your family is lucky you took this on for so long. Step back and take care of you. Let someone else help mom for awhile. I bet they do far less and complain even more even then.
Grieve your dad. You need to take care of you. You are far from a bitch to protect your own sanity.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 16, 2018 3:18:28 GMT
Do not call your mom and apologize. Do email your siblings and let them know as of today you cannot continue to support your mom by essentially moving in. Either they step up and provide support to keep her in her home (doing it themselves or paying for home care help) or it's time to look at a senior living option. Your mom is not going to change and you should not feel guilty about saying enough is enough. I'm so sorry for your loss. What she said. Do not apologize. Do not feel guilty. Tell your sister to bugger off. |
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And she can learn to treat people with kindness. (Now if this was all new behavior hat occurred following the loss of your dad I would have a much different opinion). 
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