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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jan 12, 2019 23:27:11 GMT
you are right you messed up. You offered up extra information that was negative. The minute you added "I have no choice" and then further added "because I share it" you not so passive aggressively made your mother in law very aware how you haven't liked your joint celebrations. This year being milestone birthdays of 75 and 50 and you did hurt her feelings even if you never meant to. Since you said you have a good relationship so I am sure you will work through it. If she'd stopped at "no," then MIL/DH would be grousing about how she was short with mil's friend. She gave a laugh when saying she had no choice, suggesting she was being a good sport about her answer. The only reason she went on to talk about sharing the birthday is because the friend asked.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,729
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jan 12, 2019 23:50:38 GMT
You don't need to apologize. Country Ham is wrong, don't listen to her. And your family (husband and his family) should stop taking your flexibility for granted and realize that you are a human being who actually has feelings and would like to be able to make the decision once in a while. So you get to "celebrate" your anniversary by taking care of a bunch of drinkers and your birthday the same way?? That is crazy. I am totally validating you. Stand up for yourself and celebrate how YOU want to. I can't imagine celebrating my anniversary with anyone other than DH though so I may be totally off base DH drove me and my family on Christmas day so he didn't drink. For the new year's day get-together it was my turn to drive. I was quite surprised when the ILs chose that day for their meet-up. I was just setting the scene, but also realised that maybe I did feel more defensive than I thought I did. J u l e e We usually get together on the day if possible (MIL prefers that) or the nearest suitable weekend day. My family lives 120 miles away. We used to go to them if the birthday fell at the weekend but that hasn't happened lately. FIL is getting on and his health is poor. We try to accommodate them first.
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Post by maryland on Jan 13, 2019 0:29:16 GMT
Could you celebrate yours on the day one year, hers the next. So if you want to stay home with just your family in your pajamas, great! Then if she wants to celebrate on a different day on your year, your husband can celebrate with her then.
At least you get along and she wants you to have your own celebration. But it is a lot when you have to get together with family three weekends in a row, especially so close to Christmas and Thanksgiving when you are probably expected to be with family.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 11:38:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 1:03:35 GMT
That's what DH said. I feel really bad, because it absolutely was not my intention to be passive aggressive, only honest. It was the end of a long day visiting, it was our anniversary which should have been DH's and mine not spent with his family and their friends. I had a cold and was feeling rotten and exhausted, I was driving when everyone else was drinking - yes, I did feel resentful of life in general at that time. I will have a talk with MIL and FIL when I see them next and apologise. I love them both dearly and would never intentionally hurt them. You don't need to apologize. Country Ham is wrong, don't listen to her. And your family (husband and his family) should stop taking your flexibility for granted and realize that you are a human being who actually has feelings and would like to be able to make the decision once in a while.
I think that she doesn't have to feel guilty for her opinion, but I do think that sharing that opinion with friends of her MIL and FIL isn't appropriate. If you take issue with sharing a birthday, then your DH is who you should speak to or even to your own friends, but not to friends of MIL. By offering up that you "don't have a choice", it does sound more like a complaint and does reflect on MIL.
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Post by roberta on Jan 13, 2019 1:54:00 GMT
I don’t think you need to apologize or that you messed up. You were being honest. It is not your second job to read minds. (That topic could be a huge thread!) Others will probably disagree with me on this however this is how I see it. Keep doing what you have been doing - share your birthday with the family and celebrate for your MIL. She sounds like a lovely lady that you are fortunate to have as a mil. If you prefer a quiet evening at home with your sweetie just do that a different day. Designate a different day to celebrate your way, while enjoying the in-law way on a group day.i don’t mean to sound morbid but we don’t have the older generation forever. Every New Years Eve, I (and dh) would pick up my mom and take her to her sister’s house. (They were both widows.) The four of us would ring in the NY. We passed on other parties. Now that they are gone I am really happy that we had that special time. I miss them more than I can say. I hope you can explain to your sweetie in a way that he understands. You deserve to be heard and your opinion respected. You did not understand what the friend meant. Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you and I hope you have a happy birthday. I meant to say that my understanding of what you wrote was that you were fine celebrating their birthdays with them but preferred your celebration alone with your sweetie. They will want to acknowledge and include you but your “real” celebration will be with dh. ETA: I thought what twinsmomfla99 said was perfect. I reread your post and could understand the confusion they have about your feelings. I don’t think it was terrible but could be politely clarified.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 11:38:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2019 2:13:28 GMT
It is very sweet that they want to celebrate you.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,960
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Jan 13, 2019 4:25:37 GMT
I don't think you have to feel bad about anything. I'm guessing they feel bad - thinking you enjoyed the combination celebration every year because you never said anything about it. If there's something you'd rather do, I think you should speak up. If you'd rather stay home, tell them.
I think it's odd that there's a party every year for adults. I wish everyone would just forget and/or ignore my birthday.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jan 13, 2019 4:43:12 GMT
That's what DH said. I feel really bad, because it absolutely was not my intention to be passive aggressive, only honest. It was the end of a long day visiting, it was our anniversary which should have been DH's and mine not spent with his family and their friends. I had a cold and was feeling rotten and exhausted, I was driving when everyone else was drinking - yes, I did feel resentful of life in general at that time. I will have a talk with MIL and FIL when I see them next and apologise. I love them both dearly and would never intentionally hurt them. You don't need to apologize. Country Ham is wrong, don't listen to her. I will say what I have said to my husband more then once. It's not the message that is wrong, it's the way the message was delivered. She doesn't have to listen to me, you are right, but you can't tell me having her MIL hearing those comments said to a third party was kind. That was my point. That was the mess up. The OP doesn't have to like these joint celebrations (and I never said she did, or that she has to go on them) but it would of been a lot kinder to sit her MIL down and explain it to her over coffee.
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