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Post by librarylady on Jan 22, 2019 14:26:41 GMT
I send you a hug.
I send encouragement to tell social services that you are leaving. Give 5 days notice and then just leave. You have to protect yourself both physically and mentally. If you leave SOMEONE will step in and get her what she needs. If she has to manage on her own, she will have to accept a care facility.
Thank goodness my family set, by example, that it is OK to be in a facility. No one wants to go there, but sometimes it is the only logical response.
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Post by gar on Jan 22, 2019 14:30:15 GMT
Big hugs lainey!! Good god you've done so much for her that her refusal to consider residential care seems just brutal. I can't offer you anything more than has been suggested but I do think it's time to get tough and tell SS that you will be heading home in no uncertain terms if something doesn't change.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Jan 22, 2019 14:36:25 GMT
How sad. I get so angry when our elders drop the "I refuse" bomb when it comes to care. My mom does it too.
I was under the impression that you had gone home once already, why did you go back?
I have nothing to offer - just a hug. And encouragement to do what is right for you, not your mother. They can only treat you poorly when you let them.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Jan 22, 2019 14:44:15 GMT
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to give you a hug. I know you are frustrated and I probably would have hit my limit a long time ago. I have to say, I hate this attitude some seniors have. My dad is almost 71. He's active and in good health. But he says all the time that he will never go to a home. And it just makes me so mad that seniors can be so selfish, demanding their children sacrifice to care for them. I will never do that to my kids. My dad has also said that for years. He has brain cancer and I know it will be absolute hell when we reach the point where my mom can't take care of him, or if God forbid she dies before he does. I tell my husband we're not going to have the luxury of selfishness, because we don't have kids.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jan 22, 2019 14:44:23 GMT
Honey, you have given her years of your life that she didn't deserve. You've gone above and beyond and put your own life on hold - heck you've literally had your life threatened over this. And yet you were full of grace and came back and gave her months of care. You have truly done more than anyone could reasonably expect. There is absolutely NO reason to not be done. Your health and your marriage have to outweigh the sense of guilt she's instilled in you. You've made the break from her once, and you can do it again. Tell social services that you have to go back home. YOU DESERVE IT!!!!
LOVE YOU!!!!
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Post by monklady123 on Jan 22, 2019 14:46:49 GMT
Of course I don't know the details beyond what you've offered....but, honestly the best thing would be for you to leave and go home. Call her every day if you want (but not if she lays on the emotional abuse). If she doesn't answer ask for a welfare check to be done. Call social services and tell them you cannot do it any more. Period.
It sounds harsh, but in the end something will have to be done. She'll end up in the hospital and then won't be allowed to go back home so she'll be taken to a nursing home.
And I totally agree with your final sentences... I've already told my husband that we WILL be moving to a senior apartment facility BEFORE we are at the point where we need someone to help us. We will not be a burden on our kids.
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Post by phoenixcov on Jan 22, 2019 14:56:50 GMT
lainey, your Mum wishes to make her own choices about her life, that is fine, but she doesn`t think that you have any right to choose where you want to be. What kind of parent sees their child away from husband and family? A self centered and selfish one that`s who Tell Social and your Mum you are going home to your husband in a week, and then go. Your Mum wants to make choices then let her organise things with a Social worker. I was a Carer for my late DH and went right to the edge of sanity before anyone would help. Please please get away before this ends badly. There is a spare room for a kind crochet lady here on the East coast for a few days if you want a break to plan your getaway.
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,309
Jun 28, 2014 4:39:12 GMT
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Post by Belle on Jan 22, 2019 15:02:47 GMT
I am so sorry. Would it be an option to take 1 or 2 days off and see how it goes? Of course, you know how it will go but maybe that will help your mom see that she does need to give Social Services the okay to help her?
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 22, 2019 15:03:17 GMT
I can't even begin to imagine the stress this has put you under. My mother who thankfully doesn't need help has always maintained we're to care for her...and nothing irritates me more than that kind of attitude. I would never want to burden my kids.
Anyway, glad you have an MD appointment set up. Hopefully he has some options for you. Few years ago my grandmother was with my Aunt who was having trouble caring for her. She fell, went to the hospital and they were able to keep her for a couple days and get her a bed in a nursing home. She had no idea she wasn't going home so don't think they needed her consent. Hopefully the MD can help you or put you in touch with people that can facilitate moving her to a nursing home if that is what you desire. Good luck, hope you can get some resolution soon.
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desertgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,646
Jun 26, 2014 15:58:05 GMT
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Post by desertgirl on Jan 22, 2019 15:12:24 GMT
Sending hugs and empathy. My brothers and I were in that same spot. Two of us wanted a care home (she had Alzheimer’s) and one wanted something other than removing her from her house but was unwilling to take her in. So she got a nice home and lived a few more years, happy to be around others. But she fell to the floor when my brothers dropped her off and clung to their pant legs. It was heart wrenching but necessary. We were not allowed contact for 3 weeks to give her time to adjust. Please take care of yourself. I hear so much pain and anguish in your words, lainey.
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Post by auntkelly on Jan 22, 2019 15:12:51 GMT
I would make an appointment with a lawyer who specializes in elder law.
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Post by tentoes on Jan 22, 2019 15:14:06 GMT
If you look at it in another way, if you go nuts, what help is that? Please take care of YOU. If that means you go home, then do that. She will have to see the light and get some help!! It sounds like you have gone above and beyond what would be expected of a daughter in this circumstance. ((HUGS)) to you, and really hope you get some respite soon.
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Post by bessieb on Jan 22, 2019 15:16:44 GMT
Hugs Lainey - what a horrible situation to be in. Message me (I'm in Uk )if you just fancy a chat)
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Jan 22, 2019 15:45:45 GMT
This sounds cruel, but since your mother clearly refuses to do anything to help herself, I'd get with social services and tell them you are leaving. I'd find out how to get her involuntarily placed in a care facility. You have gone above and beyond. I seem to recall you asking your mother to move near your home and her refusing. She has made her choices. It's not cruel. It's what needs to be done. Honestly where does it say we need to look after our parents to this extent. And the adage they took care of us , well we were children that they chose to bring into the world. I would have a serious conversation with your brother. And if he is no help you call social services and say you are done. You are out. If your mother didn't have children then what? I know here you can drop off your elderly parents at the emergency room and say I can't do it anymore and the province takes over. And personally I would never look down at anyone ever doing that. There comes a point where your life has to be valued.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,984
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Jan 22, 2019 15:46:16 GMT
I'm sorry you have to go through this, Lainey.
I will try to get hold of my sister tonight to see if she has any suggestions. She works placing people in residential care, assessing, etc. etc. We are in Canada but she may have some general suggestions. She can be hard to get hold of sometimes, but I will definitely connect with her in the next few days if I can't reach her tonight.
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Post by PenandInk on Jan 22, 2019 15:50:15 GMT
Just sending a hug. I was in your place a few years ago, and I understand how exhausted you are. Right now, you need to take care of you. If you make a plan about what would happen if you could no longer help out (like if you got sick), then that’s the plan to follow now.
I also understand that we are all telling YOU what to do, and you are too exhausted to always be the one deciding everything. I don’t know how elder care works in the UK, but what happens if you tell social services, or the doctor, or someone, that you are DONE and she has no help. What would happen then?
You are in a no win situation. You stay and you are hurting yourself. You go and feel guilty. Since both are bad choices, it’s time to do what’s best for you.
And yes, I’ve told my kids a million times, no matter what I may say when I’m at that stage, to do what they need to do and NEVER feel guilty.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jan 22, 2019 16:01:41 GMT
lainey, your Mum wishes to make her own choices about her life, that is fine, but she doesn`t think that you have any right to choose where you want to be. What kind of parent sees their child away from husband and family? A self centered and selfish one that`s who Tell Social and your Mum you are going home to your husband in a week, and then go. Your Mum wants to make choices then let her organise things with a Social worker. I was a Carer for my late DH and went right to the edge of sanity before anyone would help. Please please get away before this ends badly. There is a spare room for a kind crochet lady here on the East coast for a few days if you want a break to plan your getaway. Oh this sounds just heavenly!!
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jan 22, 2019 16:08:13 GMT
I'm so sorry that you've reached this point. As all the others have said, you need to take care of your needs now. If that means going home to your DH, then set the wheels in motion for that to happen. PenandInk made a good point. If something were to happen to you, what would be done for your mother's care? That needs to be what happens now. In the meantime, is there a way for you to see a therapist or counselor to help you get over the guilt you are feeling, and would most likely feel if you went home? You've given so much, to someone who is unappreciative. It is time to take care of you and put your own oxygen mask on first as they say on planes.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jan 22, 2019 16:09:49 GMT
You can not pour from an empty cup. You also can not be forced into slavery.... what would happen if you died today? What would happen to her? THAT is what needs to happen. Tell her you love her, but you can't do it anymore and let her know you're leaving on XX date where the state will come in.
Will she be mad? Sure. Will your brother be mad? Absolutely... but he's not trotting his ass over there to take your place is he?
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,774
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 22, 2019 16:19:16 GMT
Oh lainey I am so sorry. I am sort of in the same position with my mother. I am so very weary. I finally threw my hands up in November and called my sisters in to help. Which they are attempting to do but my mother is now mad as a hornet and being just freaking awful. It's stressing my marriage and my DS. I can't do this anymore. Thankfully I DO have two sisters who will help if she'd let them. Go enjoy your time away while your friend is sitting with her. Really try, and I KNOW how hard it is, to let go of the guilt and make a plan for some respite. You cannot do this alone even if it pisses her off. You simply can't. But you will have to be doubly strong to stand up to her and tell her that things are changing. Prepare yourself for that and come here to vent and get hugs.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 22, 2019 16:42:06 GMT
Sending huge hugs. If she is unwilling or unable to do anything for herself like you’ve said previously, then I’m sorry it really is no longer up to her and what she simply WANTS. There comes a point when the level of care a person requires goes beyond what the family alone can do, especially if it’s only one person doing all the heavy lifting.
I agree with the others who have said to set an exit date for yourself, notify social services and tell them that you are OUT as of that date, you are going HOME. As others have mentioned, if something happened to you where you were no longer available to be there for whatever reason, she would still be taken care of by somebody. I would put that ball in motion now. You have done way more for your mom for way longer than most people would have been able to. You can feel good about that, and shouldn’t feel guilty at all about letting someone else take over now.
I went through it to a degree with my mom and I have already told my kid that I don’t expect her to put her life on hold indefinitely to take care of me when I’m old. I got pushback from one of my siblings when the time came for my mom to get moved, but the rest of us knew it was time. I have no regrets over that decision. My mom lived another year, and she ended up really enjoying her time there and having more stuff to do to occupy her time. Even if your mom isn’t at all social and holes up in her room like a hermit, you will rest easier knowing there is a whole team of people taking care of her needs. You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? Well I think it also takes a village to care for our elderly.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 22, 2019 16:56:15 GMT
Hugs, lainey. Your mom is refusing to go to residential care because she has a sweet deal with you slaving away looking after her. Why would she want to make a change? If my dad had his way, my sisters and I would be doing the same for him and my mom. He doesn't need care but my mom needs 24/7. It was rough saying no and dad was very angry for a while but now agrees it was the right decision. I don't expect your mom will every agree, but at least you can go back to being her daughter and a wife to your DH. You can't keep putting the rest of your life on hold. Things might be different if I felt you were getting the slightest bit of appreciation for your sacrifice, but you aren't.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 14, 2024 1:49:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 17:05:11 GMT
I'm so sorry, you sound so stressed. You absolutely should take care of yourself and your needs first.
I've also had to deal with bad situations with an aging parent. At an especially bad point in the past, I had to walk away as I couldn't get any help for her from any agencies or social services until I did. I felt like I was branded with a scarlet letter to some of them, but it didn't matter to me at the time, I was unable to take care of her alone and there was no help when I was in the picture. I've been asked more than once if I am willing to be her guardian and I've refused at this point, considering she is relatively healthy. My situation will get worse again at some point and I absolutely dread it.
Best of luck, I hope you can get help in your situation.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 14, 2024 1:49:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 17:15:21 GMT
Thank you all, I'll respond/update when the inside of my head feels a little quieter.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 22, 2019 17:30:36 GMT
This sounds cruel, but since your mother clearly refuses to do anything to help herself, I'd get with social services and tell them you are leaving. I'd find out how to get her involuntarily placed in a care facility. You have gone above and beyond. I seem to recall you asking your mother to move near your home and her refusing. She has made her choices. Contact social services, give notice and go home. Do not accept responsibility for her care, finances or anything, she will be on her own. Or tell her she has to go in a home somewhere. Be careful taking her home with you......... not such a good idea. Give social services your brother's name and contact info. Let them deal with him! (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) Everyone I know knows that whoever is allowed to put me in a home. They are not to have to take care of me EVER!
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Post by birukitty on Jan 22, 2019 17:33:51 GMT
Hi Lainey. I just wanted to offer my heartfelt hugs to you. I am so sorry you are in this situation! I haven't had to face it with my own parents yet so I can't even begin to imagine where you are but from your words I can hear your pain and utter exhaustion. I worry for you and in my mind if you are at the point of breaking it's time for change NOW. Don't let this go on to the point of where you are damaged irreparably. Like another pea said, you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help anyone else. You've put in your time above and beyond. There comes a point in time where it's best for our elders health (not to mention ours) to be in the safer environment of managed care-something we can't provide at home. It doesn't matter now what your mother wants. We all want things. It matters what is best for her health and at this point yours.
I wish you the very best and please know that we are here anytime you need to vent or for anything else.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 22, 2019 17:43:14 GMT
This sounds cruel, but since your mother clearly refuses to do anything to help herself, I'd get with social services and tell them you are leaving. I'd find out how to get her involuntarily placed in a care facility. You have gone above and beyond. I seem to recall you asking your mother to move near your home and her refusing. She has made her choices. This is pretty much what my husband did for his parents. They refuse to work with him about downsizing, or following doctors orders, so he has set them up with in home care and has cut off contact with them. He was so stressed out and realized that nothing would change. It's so hard, and it's made us discuss our future with my parents, and with our kids so no one is in the same position.
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Post by twinks on Jan 22, 2019 17:52:46 GMT
First of all - BIG HUGS to you.
It is a very difficult situation to be in - caregiving is difficult and tiring at its best. Your Mum sounds like she is being very manipulating and is trying to guilt trip you into caregiving. Sorry!
A couple of suggestions, ideas: Can social services get you, brother and Mum all together for an intervention type situation where things are laid out and Mum is told she must seek residential care. This could be with the blessing of the Dr. Another idea, is respite care available to her? I just have experience with this in the States and with someone in hospice, but, they were given so many days a month in a care facility to offer respite. I would ask social services about respite care.
Okay, now we think this is a little funny, but, when we were going through it, it was a very hard and difficult situation. I will share this with you in hopes that it gives you something to laugh about (even though it is somewhat tragic) or look at your situation a little bit differently or get some ideas to help you. It is long, so it will offer you some time to read.
My paternal grandparents didn't give my Dad the best childhood. He would tell stories of waking up Christmas morning to absolutely nothing and going down the street to another household where they had 9 children with presents/toys. They would always share and play with my Dad. My Dad was an only child. My Dad was a self made man and put himself through medical school and became very successful. He ended up supporting his parents - even purchasing the very home they lived in. My Dad died at age 55 on his father's 80th birthday. My Dad had cancer before hospice was a thing. My Mom took care of my Dad at home. We, 4 siblings, had a great rotation schedule and it really only amounted to 6 months of care before he died. A year after my Dad died, my paternal grandmother died of leukemia, leaving my Grandfather alone. Not much medically was wrong with my Grandfather, even though he thought there was. He started saying that he wanted to move into our family home and have my Mom take care of him (his DIL). My Mom wasn't well herself at the time and we (siblings) said, "No way!" Every day, my Mom would send meals over to him. He was horribly demanding and didn't appreciate anything. He became very angry and basically very cantankerous.
He had some basic surgeries - cataract surgery and a pacemaker put in. Each surgery, he demanded to move into my Mom's house and have her take care of him. We, grandchildren, finally decided that Assisted Living was the way to go for Grandfather. We found a great assisted living center and moved him into a little apartment with all of his own furniture. We made an effort to take him to lunch every week and make sure he was included in our activities and holidays. It was a great situation, but, he was just angry that he couldn't move in with my Mom and have her take care of him.
Grandfather ended up with the hospital with some heart issues. Social worker had to call a meeting. Apparently my Grandfather was upset that he wasn't getting the VIP treatment, in a VIP room, etc. all because his son was a former physician there. He was throwing meal trays at staff because it didn't look good or wasn't what he wanted, etc. He wad demanding and throwing tantrums. He would yell at my Mom every time she would go to visit him. It got so bad that the Social Worker told my Mom not to come. He was refusing to do anything for himself as far as even getting up to the restroom, showering, etc. Social worker was suggesting a rehab/nursing facility for the short term. We all went and looked at them and did our research. My grandfather was very much against it. He just felt like he could move into our family home and have my Mom take care of him. He amount of manipulation, anger, etc. was overwhelming for anyone to take care of and we certainly were not going to have him move in with Mom. He also needed too much care at that time. So we moved him into a rehab facility. My Grandfather was SO ANGRY!!!! The Social Worker suggested that we meet him there (minus my Mom) and make it a positive thing. The facility planned on having us stay for lunch with him at the facility. They were bending over backwards for us and him to make it a positive move. Grandfather was not having anything to do with it. He was yelling at them and at us. So we left. Grandfather yelled at my brother as we were leaving, "I'll show you, I'll die!" He was so worked up and so angry at us. Well, the next morning at 2:30am my brother got a call from the facility to come. My brother was worried that Grandfather was acting up and so angry at staff that he was getting himself kicked out. My brother went to the facility and my Grandfather had died! We kind of joke about it now because he worked himself into such a state that it was too much strain on his heart. Whenever we get really angry about something, we siblings warn each other to "calm down or you will be like Grandfather." Not nice but you have to find the humor somewhere.
Thank goodness, in taking care of my Dad and later in taking care of my Mom, we have not experienced any manipulation, guilt tripping, etc. Both of my parents have been very easy and grateful. I think my Mom because she could see what it was like to take care of the opposite.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 22, 2019 17:53:51 GMT
i'm sorry you are going through this. i've seen many of my friends go through this and it's definitely left a permanent impact on many of them even after that parent has passed.
i had a very strong willed mom who needed constant care when she got sick. you would be surprised how much power, stubborness and will a tiny, 90lb woman, who was also bed ridden and could barely able to speak, can wield. fortunately, we found the resources to get in home care for her. but, while the physical aspects of her care were addressed, the mental, emotional stress continued to take it's toll on all of us. it's been almost 10 years since she passed and we can still look back and relive those difficult days.
my only advice for you is do whatever you can to find respite if you cannot walk away. find that time for yourself and find as much of it as possible. i'm not talking a nap here or there or an hour a couple of times a week. you need large blocks of time to decompress and recharge. most important, you need to spend time with the loved ones in your life. remember, you still have an entire life to go back to when this is over. and it will be over some day. you don't want those relationships lost because you were fractured by this. take care of yourself!
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Post by catck on Jan 22, 2019 17:57:23 GMT
I'm so sorry you are in this awful position and hope the doctor can recommend some help for you as you cannot be expected to carry on like you have been without having a major breakdown. Hugs.
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