|
Post by mikklynn on Jan 22, 2019 18:41:45 GMT
This sounds cruel, but since your mother clearly refuses to do anything to help herself, I'd get with social services and tell them you are leaving. I'd find out how to get her involuntarily placed in a care facility. You have gone above and beyond. I seem to recall you asking your mother to move near your home and her refusing. She has made her choices. Contact social services, give notice and go home. Do not accept responsibility for her care, finances or anything, she will be on her own. Or tell her she has to go in a home somewhere. Be careful taking her home with you......... not such a good idea. Give social services your brother's name and contact info. Let them deal with him! (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) Everyone I know knows that whoever is allowed to put me in a home. They are not to have to take care of me EVER! My medical directive forbids my children to take care of me. I don't want that for them.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 9:38:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 18:43:40 GMT
Another tell me if I am wrong, but aren’t there states where you can’t abandon your elder?
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 9:38:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 18:50:53 GMT
I am hoping that my husband’s father just dies in his sleep, because I am not sure that hospice or any of the nursing homes will take him in. He was a horrible jerk when his wife ( husband’s mother) died, I am sure he burnt bridges there. I am sure that the other brothers will guilt my husband into going back and sit watch.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 9:38:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2019 18:57:18 GMT
My brother is mentally unstable and wouldn't want to do anything for her of a practical nature. He's all hot air and poison.
She doesn't have friends, she isolated herself from all aspects of life a long time ago.
My friend is coming round in a while to give me a short break before all my anger and frustration come out on my mother. I am close to a breakdown, I feel that with everything.
I am so very sorry...I ended up calling elderly protective services and having my mom placed in a nursing home. it is more for my sanity than hers. It is such a hard lonely road to be on
|
|
azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
|
Post by azredhead on Jan 22, 2019 18:59:15 GMT
I am so sorry. Would it be an option to take 1 or 2 days off and see how it goes? Of course, you know how it will go but maybe that will help your mom see that she does need to give Social Services the okay to help her? This and maybe the Visiting Angels thing and she can see if she bonds with someone? My MIL was VERY hesitant especially with having 'strangers' take care of her or even being in the house. She didn't like the first one and was very vocal. She did start to bond with the other as she was in closer age to Dh's only sister (and sibling)who she lived with. So I think she could see her for that. She also refused to go into assisted living. She's severe epeliptic. (she had a life alert wrist braclet, which failed when she fell on her walker and died. Dh sister was her main care taker. DH did everything he could but because of Me and my health issues it became too much for DH. But we did take her for several days at a time till she had seizure at our house and she fell and I couldn't lift her when she came too or help her do basics, like shower, dress etc.. I'm small, she was not a fat woman but a big woman. There was a lot of ugliness that when on there as Dh took care of her meds and some of her finances at mothers request. SIL took it all back. It got UGLY! Anyway she actually liked the rehab place she was in before we brought her home for the final time. She really liked the place. In fact previous to that she had started to think it wouldn't be so bad as she met a lady she could play games. We'd go see her and were suprised to find how many times she was not in her own room or in someone else room.She had made friends. but she wouldn't DARE admit it to DH or his sister. lol. She died at home. Anyway a lot of times they say things but also their minds aren't all there. Which is funny because his uncle is in hospice now and trouble with kidneys and really bad lungs and he's got all his wits and humor. He just can't breath on his own. My heart goes out to you a Visiting Angel doesn't sound like alot but you'll be amazed the peice of mind and peace you might get even if it's brief!! HUGSS!
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Jan 22, 2019 19:55:53 GMT
Every time you post about your mother I've given you permission to take your life back. Now you need to do that for yourself.
She can perfectly well exist with outside help. Go live your life with someone (your DH) who brings you joy rather than sorrow. We don't owe anyone that level of unhappiness, not even our parents.
On your deathbed, will you wish you had suffered more or that you had made more time for joy?
Probably I am broken lol but I was raised to be very independent and never really felt anyone had my back but me. Therefore I put my kids first, then myself, and no one else. I love my parents and husband but I wouldn't suffer the way you have for them.
|
|
|
Post by thundergal on Jan 22, 2019 20:37:33 GMT
My gosh. I wish I could hug you.
I'm with all those saying it's time to say enough.
But I know it's so much easier for all of us to say it than it is for you to do it.
I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing and really hope for some quick resolution for you.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jan 22, 2019 20:47:05 GMT
Another tell me if I am wrong, but aren’t there states where you can’t abandon your elder? She in the United Kingdom
|
|
|
Post by Lindarina on Jan 22, 2019 21:14:21 GMT
May I ask why you are caring for her?
I’m caring for my father with early onset alzheimer’s. I’ve put on 20 lbs,stopped excerising, lost one third of my hair, become slightly depressed...it’s a though job😉 And my relationship with my father was great to begin with. I get the feeling yours wasn’t the best? I could be very mistaken.
Caregiving isn’t for everyone and there are so many factors that effect it. It’s ok to make other arrangements and walk away ❤️
|
|
|
Post by stargazer on Jan 22, 2019 21:29:53 GMT
I’m so sorry.
I can relate although my situation is so much easier than yours. My dad (91) still lives with us & is struggling to remain independent. My mum (87) is in full time nursing care: as we had no choice, she was hospitalised, requiring full time nursing care & in extended delirium. She spent years endlessly telling us she didn’t want to be a burden. Her delirium has mostly cleared & she is bitter about her circumstances & is clearly no longer interested in not being a burden. She likes to “forget” that she can’t walk, toilet herself, feed herself sometimes etc so insists she should be allowed to come home.
I was diagnosed with situational depression last year as a result of all of this. I feel much better on a low dose of anti-depressants & I can see more clearly through the guilt.
I don’t know what to suggest to you. I want to tell you to pack up & go home to your husband because then your mum would have to get the help she needs elsewhere but I understand that you might not feel you could do that.
All I can really offer you is a space where you can say how it really is & say the things you think you can’t say out loud to some people. I have a friend who has been through your situation & it is really good to be able to talk openly with each other.
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Jan 22, 2019 21:51:23 GMT
This sounds cruel, but since your mother clearly refuses to do anything to help herself, I'd get with social services and tell them you are leaving. I'd find out how to get her involuntarily placed in a care facility. You have gone above and beyond. I seem to recall you asking your mother to move near your home and her refusing. She has made her choices. I completely agree. Can she move in to your house? If not, it is time for your brother to do his share. I can't remember how long you have dealt with this, but it is time you lived with your husband and got your life back.
|
|
inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
|
Post by inkedup on Jan 22, 2019 21:55:31 GMT
What a terrible situation to be in, lainey. I'm sorry. It's so unfair to you. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but I did want you to know that your feelings are valid. The final years of my mother's life were difficult for all of us. There is no winning - you feel like shit regardless of what you do. It is wholly unfair. You have given so much of yourself to care for your mother. You have nothing to feel guilty about, regardless of how this plays out. My love to you.
|
|
scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,885
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
|
Post by scrappinmama on Jan 22, 2019 21:58:38 GMT
I'm so sorry, lainey. That is a heavy burden. You have done so much, but there comes a time when all parties involved have to come to terms that more in-depth care is needed. It sounds like you have accepted that, but your mom and brother have not. I hope someone recognizes that this is too much for you.
|
|
MsKnit
Pearl Clutcher
RefuPea #1406
Posts: 2,648
Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
|
Post by MsKnit on Jan 22, 2019 21:59:48 GMT
((((Hugs))))
Went through this with my father after he had a couple of strokes. He sucked the life out of me. I was this.close to losing my mind over caretaking for him. I walked away and quit answering his calls. It was bad.
The thing of it is. He was capable of taking care of himself by that point. It was simply easier to put it off on me. I resented him terribly by the time I walked. He was an awful father, which didn’t help. Took my husband telling him to leave me alone numerous times before he got the hint. I am not the only child. It’s someone else’s turn. There is no way in hell he will ever live with me.
Now, we are dealing with my in-laws. I try to help DH. However, his mom is in the early stages of dementia and can only be reasoned with by DH. My poor father-in-law is treated awfully by her. Still he tries.
It is hard being a caretaker. We still have an adult child at home with severe anxiety issues. He does help with his paternal grandparents. He had enough of my father’s shenanigans long before I gave up. Such a selfish, hateful man.
You NEED to take care of you. You tried. You can’t sacrifice yourself and your sanity over her, especially when you have your own family to take care of.
Mystie, Be selfish! Just because there are no kids at home does not mean you have the room. It is so much more than space.
|
|
|
Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 22, 2019 22:17:16 GMT
lainey, your Mum wishes to make her own choices about her life, that is fine, but she doesn`t think that you have any right to choose where you want to be. When her (unreasonable) choices completely eradicate any choice of your own, it's gone too far. I couldn't help but notice your post on the 'what was your mother's career?' thread. Your mom is just a miserable person. She's going to be miserable with you or without you. The tragedy of this is that she's got total control of making you miserable, too. On your deathbed, will you wish you had suffered more or that you had made more time for joy? That's poignant. Don't be her. Don't suffer. Find your joy, lainey. We all deserve that.
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Jan 22, 2019 22:24:29 GMT
i remember when my FIL used to say, "if i get sick, put me in a home. just put me in a home and let them take care of me." then he got sick and guess who begged not to be put in a home? needless to say, he died at home.
MIL wasn't the best caregiver. i remember the day FIL died, she called us and said he was acting up. i got to their house before DH and the first thing she says to me when she opens the front door is "one of you will have to stay here tonight because i can't deal with him anymore". he died a few hours later. i remember her calling the hospice nurse line and they told MIL to give him a shot of morphine. there are many days when i can't help but wonder if someone didn't pull on that morphine plunger a little too much....
|
|
|
Post by lauradrumm on Jan 22, 2019 22:24:48 GMT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. To make these sacrifices and then have them thrown back in your face and unappreciated is horrible. Hugs to you.
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on Jan 22, 2019 22:55:28 GMT
((((HUGS))))
|
|
RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,747
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
|
Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jan 22, 2019 22:56:58 GMT
Oh lainey, my heart breaks for you. Hugs and more hugs. You know what? When you get her into respite care, there's a bed for you 3.5 hours due south, OK?
|
|
ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,958
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
|
Post by ddly on Jan 22, 2019 23:02:58 GMT
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs!
|
|
|
Post by gar on Jan 22, 2019 23:21:39 GMT
I just want to add that I’m guessing that you’re immediate reaction to the idea of leaving your Mother (in any way) will be “I can’t “ or “I won’t” Can you, just for a moment, allow the thought to stay in your mind...let it sit there for a moment before you dismiss it. The tomorrow do the same again- ponder it briefly, not in a fantasy “I want to run away” way but in a serious, considered way. Let the idea gain ground, get used to the idea until it’s not so unlikely after all. Does that make sense?
|
|
AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,059
Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
|
Post by AllieC on Jan 22, 2019 23:24:55 GMT
Lainey I have been following your story for years and I do not know how you have managed to do it for so long. Short term care-giving with a compliant and pleasant patient is difficult enough.
Your mother has made her choices but yours about living your own life have been taken away. I would do as others suggested - speak to her primary doctor and the social workers, tell them that you have been away from your own life for X time and that you cannot do it anymore. There will be steps taken to make sure she is taken care of.
You need to look after yourself and get some life back. As Z*G posted, it is time to find your joy.
|
|
PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,749
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
|
Post by PLurker on Jan 22, 2019 23:52:44 GMT
Don't be a burden on your children, there comes a point when you have to see it's too much to expect and they aren't responsible for you. Have difficult decisions about old age now before it's too late.
Your mother has not lived up to your own words (good ones!) and expectations. Don't take it out on yourself, your life and others that share it with you. There is no shame in finding services to do the work that is harmful to you. Hope you find your way soon. ((hugs))
|
|
mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
|
Post by mlana on Jan 23, 2019 0:33:32 GMT
Lainey I have been following your story for years and I do not know how you have managed to do it for so long. Short term care-giving with a compliant and pleasant patient is difficult enough. Your mother has made her choices but yours about living your own life have been taken away. I would do as others suggested - speak to her primary doctor and the social workers, tell them that you have been away from your own life for X time and that you cannot do it anymore. There will be steps taken to make sure she is taken care of. You need to look after yourself and get some life back. As Z*G posted, it is time to find your joy. This. Your mom has choices and she’s chosen the one she prefers with no thought of what it’s doing to you. Offer to help her find a place near you or where she is and let that be the only option that involves you. You have choices, too, you just have to see them. There is nothing wrong with saving yourself, Lainey. You’ve given to the point of breaking. It’s time to recognize that your mom has made a choice that she knows is harming you and you have to walk away. No one owes another the pain you’ve been put thru, especially when there are other options. Set yourself free. Marcy
|
|
|
Post by alexa11 on Jan 23, 2019 1:06:23 GMT
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this alone and have no help. I agree that it's time to do something different so that you can have some peace. Hopefully medical can point you in a direction. If not, I would tell her that you're going home in x number of days.
My 87 yr old mom had to move in with me 3 years ago because of my younger drugged-out stoner brother. She's pretty self-sufficient, but I have no help. It's up to me to take her to appointments, run her errands, etc. I do have another brother but he's about 45 miles away,is disabled, and can't drive. My situation doesn't even compare to yours and there are days I just wished I had some help.
You have to take care of yourself or you can't take care of others.
|
|
sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
Jun 26, 2014 23:58:32 GMT
|
Post by sassyangel on Jan 23, 2019 1:54:27 GMT
*hugs* Lainey. I'm sorry so you've reached this point, and you aren't in a location where you have your own support network to help you out. That would break even the strongest person, I think. You've gotten some great advice here, I just wanted to validate that its 100% okay and understandable to feel that way. And its okay if you make the decision to leave her in social services hands. You've gone above and beyond.
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jan 23, 2019 1:55:54 GMT
Hugs to you.. I totally get where you are coming from. I prayed that my mom would go peacefully while in the hospital, I knew I could not have watched her die at home—we weren’t equipped to deal with it.
My BIL just started dealing with this in a way.
His dad, a very large man, was home, back pains...more issues...laid on the floor to get relief against everything everyone was telling him, and BIL’s mom could not lift him to get him off the floor, so the fire department had to be called. His dad did this a few times, each time having the fire department come out to put him back in bed.
Something happened, during one of the times he got up, to where he ended up having to be transported to the hospital. During that stay it was discovered that his back pain was the return of aggressive cancer, and his kidneys were shutting down.
Against all the advice of doctors, nurses, their children—Dad wanted to go home, and Mom did too, said she’d care for him at home with a lifeline to a nurse who would come when called for certain things. They refused to believe that it was beyond their abilities.
Well, within a week Mom realized her inabilities—the constant cleaning his feces, caring for bed sores, scraping out mouth gunk, rolling him—and having to call BIL several times a day to come help....what finally “broke her” was having to clean mouth gunk out because he was choking, called BIL (who didn’t live that close) to come help, he asked where was nurse, so BIL dropped everything and ran over, took care of what he could until the nurse arrived, his mom took him aside and admitted that she couldn’t do it anymore that she wasn’t equipped (physically, emotionally, or mentally) to care for her dying husband so she asked BIL to go tell his dad that it was ok to go (die). Mom said she couldn’t tell him that but asked her own son to go tell his dad to die. (Which he didn’t want to have to do either). Well he did, and his dad died within an hour.
So it can be incredibly selfish in refusing services that provide adequate, humane, comfort yielding end of life care, and burdening children, spouses, relatives who are not medically equipped to deal with what come up.
I’ll be thinking of you often ❤️❤️❤️❤️
|
|
cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
|
Post by cycworker on Jan 23, 2019 2:38:06 GMT
You have gone far above the call of duty lainey. Time to tell social services you're done, and you're going home to your husband. They can figure out how to care for your mother. The demands being placed on you are ridiculous.
|
|
Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,983
Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
|
Post by Sarah*H on Jan 23, 2019 2:46:37 GMT
Think about if you had a child and what you would want her life to look like right now. Would you ever impose on her the burden your mother has imposed on you? What would you tell your hypothetical daughter (or even a close friend) to do if someone else was making her live her life in this way, talk to her this way, treat her so badly?
You have the power to change this situation. Your mom is never going to have an epiphany and be a better person or put you first. Your brother is never going to step up and be the kind of son or brother he should be. You have to be brave and be willing to be your own defender and to put yourself and your family first.
|
|
janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,633
Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
|
Post by janeliz on Jan 23, 2019 3:12:12 GMT
I’m just so sorry. I’ve been through something very similar, and I hate that this is happening to you.
|
|