RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,733
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
|
Post by RedSquirrelUK on Mar 5, 2019 11:34:28 GMT
This will not be a popular opinion, but I don't agree with the posters advising you to dump her because of that racist comment. That is just as much bigotry as her own. How can we fight unjust beliefs if we walk away from them without trying to change them? If she really doesn't want to associate with other people purely because of their colour, then that needs to be challenged. If her remark was simply a very clumsy way of saying that her choice in decor was not in the style that you wanted to explore, then she should be given a chance to explain that.
Is there a possibility that, like you, her words came out differently from what she intended, or meant? I say things that come out wrongly all the time. My mouth moves faster than my brain.
If I were in your boots, I would go to the flea market and then tell her all about it and take it from there. Give her the chance to prove that the friendship is worth cultivating, and if you find that it isn't, you can then explain to her why.
Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by SockMonkey on Mar 5, 2019 22:10:46 GMT
This will not be a popular opinion, but I don't agree with the posters advising you to dump her because of that racist comment. That is just as much bigotry as her own. How can we fight unjust beliefs if we walk away from them without trying to change them? If she really doesn't want to associate with other people purely because of their colour, then that needs to be challenged. If her remark was simply a very clumsy way of saying that her choice in decor was not in the style that you wanted to explore, then she should be given a chance to explain that. Is there a possibility that, like you, her words came out differently from what she intended, or meant? I say things that come out wrongly all the time. My mouth moves faster than my brain. If I were in your boots, I would go to the flea market and then tell her all about it and take it from there. Give her the chance to prove that the friendship is worth cultivating, and if you find that it isn't, you can then explain to her why. Good luck. I would like to comment on what you said. Bigotry is intolerance of beliefs/options, and is sometimes attributed to intolerance for others based on race/ethnicity. To equate the woman’s racist comment with the OP’s lack of desire to be friends because she has exhibited racist behavior is inaccurate. To be intolerant of racist behavior is not bigotry. No one should be accepting of or tolerant of racist behavior. We have to stop making excuses for other white folks when they say racist stuff. “Decor not in the style?” What does that even MEAN? I’m sorry. I just do not understand how we can excuse someone for saying they don’t want to go somewhere “not white.” What else could she possibly have meant? What is “white decor?”
|
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
|
Post by julie5 on Mar 5, 2019 22:20:35 GMT
This will not be a popular opinion, but I don't agree with the posters advising you to dump her because of that racist comment. That is just as much bigotry as her own. How can we fight unjust beliefs if we walk away from them without trying to change them? If she really doesn't want to associate with other people purely because of their colour, then that needs to be challenged. If her remark was simply a very clumsy way of saying that her choice in decor was not in the style that you wanted to explore, then she should be given a chance to explain that. Is there a possibility that, like you, her words came out differently from what she intended, or meant? I say things that come out wrongly all the time. My mouth moves faster than my brain. If I were in your boots, I would go to the flea market and then tell her all about it and take it from there. Give her the chance to prove that the friendship is worth cultivating, and if you find that it isn't, you can then explain to her why. Good luck. Refusing to be friends with a bigot doesn’t make her a bigot. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever read.
|
|
|
Post by ~summer~ on Mar 5, 2019 22:27:31 GMT
I haven’t read the responses but I couldn’t be close friends with her.
|
|
RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,733
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
|
Post by RedSquirrelUK on Mar 5, 2019 23:04:44 GMT
This will not be a popular opinion, but I don't agree with the posters advising you to dump her because of that racist comment. That is just as much bigotry as her own. How can we fight unjust beliefs if we walk away from them without trying to change them? If she really doesn't want to associate with other people purely because of their colour, then that needs to be challenged. If her remark was simply a very clumsy way of saying that her choice in decor was not in the style that you wanted to explore, then she should be given a chance to explain that. Is there a possibility that, like you, her words came out differently from what she intended, or meant? I say things that come out wrongly all the time. My mouth moves faster than my brain. If I were in your boots, I would go to the flea market and then tell her all about it and take it from there. Give her the chance to prove that the friendship is worth cultivating, and if you find that it isn't, you can then explain to her why. Good luck. I would like to comment on what you said. Bigotry is intolerance of beliefs/options, and is sometimes attributed to intolerance for others based on race/ethnicity. To equate the woman’s racist comment with the OP’s lack of desire to be friends because she has exhibited racist behavior is inaccurate. To be intolerant of racist behavior is not bigotry. No one should be accepting of or tolerant of racist behavior. We have to stop making excuses for other white folks when they say racist stuff. “Decor not in the style?” What does that even MEAN? I’m sorry. I just do not understand how we can excuse someone for saying they don’t want to go somewhere “not white.” What else could she possibly have meant? What is “white decor?” Read my post again. I equated the bigotry of the woman's racist comment with the bigotry of posters advising the OP to dump her without explanation, not with the OP. Bigotry means "intolerance towards those who hold different opinions from oneself". That cuts both ways. I am in no way condoning or making excuses for what the woman said. If that's what she really meant, it is awful, and she needs to know that it is wrong, and that it is the reason why they can't be friends. But if the OP just ends the friendship without that conversation then the woman isn't going to learn. Maybe the OP can be a good influence on her friend.
|
|
|
Post by iamkristinl16 on Mar 6, 2019 1:34:33 GMT
If you are comfortable, you could talk to her and say, "Hey. I have been thinking about what you said the other day about the flea market. What did you mean by your comment?" and see where it goes. It may have been a situation of the comment coming out wrong, but probably not. But at least doing this would let you know for sure, and open up the conversation for you to say what you are feeling.
I would most likely back away from the relationship, though. It is unfortunate when things were going so well, but I would be keeping things casual now.
My oldest DS has a teammate whose mom has made comments here and there that make my red flags go up. For example, a few years ago she made a comment that indicated that she liked Trump, and asked why Obama never had to show his birth certificate. there have been other comments about immigrants as well. In some instances she seems open to learning, but I think she does have some discriminatory tendencies. This fall, our sons were on a fall baseball league. One day we drove to the cities together. DS wanted to go eat at Popeye's afterwards. This Popeye's was in a commercial looking area, but there were three black people sitting at a table outside. Her son said, "There are black people outside." She said, "Well, (Kristin's kids) probably feel right at home (my kids are biracial). I really wasn't sure how to take that. I just said something like, "Who cares?" as we walked in. When we left she commented that everyone that worked there was Mexican and spoke Spanish. It was like they had never seen people of another race before. And this woman is a doctor! She is someone that I enjoy talking to at games, but limit any other contact with outside of that. And we won't be driving anywhere together again.
|
|
|
Post by SockMonkey on Mar 6, 2019 15:04:26 GMT
I would like to comment on what you said. Bigotry is intolerance of beliefs/options, and is sometimes attributed to intolerance for others based on race/ethnicity. To equate the woman’s racist comment with the OP’s lack of desire to be friends because she has exhibited racist behavior is inaccurate. To be intolerant of racist behavior is not bigotry. No one should be accepting of or tolerant of racist behavior. We have to stop making excuses for other white folks when they say racist stuff. “Decor not in the style?” What does that even MEAN? I’m sorry. I just do not understand how we can excuse someone for saying they don’t want to go somewhere “not white.” What else could she possibly have meant? What is “white decor?” Read my post again. I equated the bigotry of the woman's racist comment with the bigotry of posters advising the OP to dump her without explanation, not with the OP. Bigotry means "intolerance towards those who hold different opinions from oneself". That cuts both ways. I am in no way condoning or making excuses for what the woman said. If that's what she really meant, it is awful, and she needs to know that it is wrong, and that it is the reason why they can't be friends. But if the OP just ends the friendship without that conversation then the woman isn't going to learn. Maybe the OP can be a good influence on her friend. I did read your post. I don't equate those two things at all, so we will have to disagree on that. Secondly, you are making excuses for what she said. There really is no doubt here. There is no " if that's what she meant." It was OBVIOUS to the OP what she meant. The "cringe face," the obvious disdain. If you are a white person, you have likely encountered this kind of reaction/comment before from other white people (hopefully nothing you have said yourself). Sometimes the language is more coded, but in this case, it was not. The woman did not want to go to a flea market that was "not white." It really doesn't get more clear than that. I'm still interested to know what you meant about the decor and how in the world that comment could be interpreted in that way.
|
|
|
Post by SockMonkey on Mar 7, 2019 18:10:10 GMT
PrettyInPeank , just wondering if you’ve had to interact with this person again lately and how it’s going.
|
|
PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
|
Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 7, 2019 20:47:00 GMT
I have for a kid event, and I've been polite. I think the moment has passed regarding her comment, but if it's who she is there will be another opportunity to speak up.
|
|
|
Post by SockMonkey on Mar 7, 2019 21:55:46 GMT
I have for a kid event, and I've been polite. I think the moment has passed regarding her comment, but if it's who she is there will be another opportunity to speak up. Good luck! Let us know if you need any support or to run anything by us!
|
|
PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
|
Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 7, 2019 22:26:59 GMT
Thank you 😘
|
|
pancakes
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,993
Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
|
Post by pancakes on Mar 7, 2019 22:35:32 GMT
As a POC, I wouldn’t drop her as a friend. I’d make some efforts in trying to educate her and hopefully work her to a point to see POC in a positive light.
If she’s truly resistant to change after much effort, I’d then drop her. But I think the world can be made better one person at a time.
|
|
|
Post by SockMonkey on Mar 7, 2019 22:46:21 GMT
As a POC, I wouldn’t drop her as a friend. I’d make some efforts in trying to educate her and hopefully work her to a point to see POC in a positive light. If she’s truly resistant to change after much effort, I’d then drop her. But I think the world can be made better one person at a time. Thank you for sharing your perspective as a person of color. I hope you are right. We need to gather as many as we can!
|
|