PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691 
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 3, 2019 19:40:41 GMT
I made a new friend in my new neighborhood. I really like her, we share hobbies, and our kids do, too, so I see her a lot.
I invited her to come with me to the flea market to look for vintage linens and some house plants, and she made a cringe face saying, "ooh, yeah, that place is sooo, how do I say this, not white."
She's right, it is largely Hispanic with some Asian, and only some white people. But she obviously doesn't like them. I was so caught off guard by her comment and disdain for the place and people. I said yeah, it's very diverse there with a straight face.
On one hand I want to preserve our friendship and keep things nuetral, on the other hand I feel like it's my obligation to speak up. I feel like I failed PoC by acting like it was no big deal. But I also don't know what I could have said differently.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 16:41:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2019 19:51:56 GMT
If she doesn't share your values, then I would personally back way off on having a friendship. Be friendLY, but not friends. And yes, politely speak up and ask exactly what she means by that comment.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Mar 3, 2019 19:52:53 GMT
Only one of my friends is white and has white kids and she would never make a comment because she’s not wired that way. My family is very politically correct. We may think things but don’t vocalize them. I also have a child of colour (Asian the other colour) and any comments don’t fly with me.
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
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Post by Sue on Mar 3, 2019 19:54:59 GMT
Perhaps you could have responded with something like... Oh, I know. I just love seeing all of the diverse ethnicities and cultures in our neighborhood. Don't you? At least a response like that would make her aware of your opinion in a neutral way.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,390
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Mar 3, 2019 19:58:28 GMT
You go to the flea market, buy some amazing things. Talk about how nice everyone is, how fun it was. Maybe she’ll want to go with you next time to see, and prove herself wrong.
If she says anything like that again, then I would approach the subject however you feel comfortable. What a tough situation...
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Post by SockMonkey on Mar 3, 2019 20:00:29 GMT
I made a new friend in my new neighborhood. I really like her, we share hobbies, and our kids do, too, so I see her a lot. I invited her to come with me to the flea market to look for vintage linens and some house plants, and she made a cringe face saying, "ooh, yeah, that place is sooo, how do I say this, not white." She's right, it is largely Hispanic with some Asian, and only some white people. But she obviously doesn't like them. I was so caught off guard by her comment and disdain for the place and people. I said yeah, it's very diverse there with a straight face. On one hand I want to preserve our friendship and keep things nuetral, on the other hand I feel like it's my obligation to speak up. I feel like I failed PoC by acting like it was no big deal. But I also don't know what I could have said differently. I'm just going to be brutally honest here. If it's more important for you to preserve your friendship, you are choosing racist behavior. The old saying is "neutrality favors the oppressor." Do you think she'll change her mind? Do you think this is fundamentally who she is? This, to me, speaks of her blatant racism. This wasn't a microaggression; this was a conscious choice to say, "I don't like people who aren't white." Personally, I would not be friends with her. If she asks you why you don't hang out, be honest. Tell her, "I don't like the way you talk about people of color. It's racist." This is how we have to do the work of being anti-racist. It means giving up our white comfort. I am sorry that she wasn't who you expected, but hopefully you will make other friends whose values align with yours. |
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Post by SockMonkey on Mar 3, 2019 20:02:39 GMT
If she doesn't share your values, then I would personally back way off on having a friendship. Be friendLY, but not friends. And yes, politely speak up and ask exactly what she means by that comment. Why do we have to "politely" speak up? Is there something polite about saying that she doesn't want to go to a place where the people aren't white? We have GOT to stop allowing this kind of behavior to feel comfortable for people. |
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Post by SockMonkey on Mar 3, 2019 20:03:28 GMT
Perhaps you could have responded with something like... Oh, I know. I just love seeing all of the diverse ethnicities and cultures in our neighborhood. Don't you? At least a response like that would make her aware of your opinion in a neutral way. Was there something neutral about the way the friend expressed her disdain for people who are not white? Why should the new friend be made to feel comfortable in her racist words? |
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Post by mom on Mar 3, 2019 20:04:11 GMT
Yeah, I don't think I could go along with being her friend, knowing she is racist. Honestly? If she will make that comment when replying to an offer to go thrifting, can you imagine what she says/thinks when the 'newness' of the friendship has worn off and she is comfortable?
Having things in common is good - but if your fundamental belief on how to treat people that aren't like you is opposite, then I don't think this friendship will ever stand the test of time.
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Post by just PEAchy on Mar 3, 2019 20:05:44 GMT
Sorry, but she’s not someone with whom I would want to try to preserve a friendship. It’s too late now, but I probably would have said something right then.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,760
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Post by scrapngranny on Mar 3, 2019 20:06:12 GMT
After the political climate of the last two years, I have vowed to no longer tolerate bigoted comments made in my presence.
I will make sure those around me will know how I feel. Whether or not I will continue to be around them will depend on whether or not they continue to make those types of comments when I’m around.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,759
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Mar 3, 2019 20:11:00 GMT
I'm sure you were caught wrong footed at the time but if it was me I couldn't be quiet. I would have to speak up and allow her to explain. If her reasons are racist, well I won't be shy in telling her what I thought.
If you think there is room to educate her then take that opportunity otherwise, well, I couldn't be friends with her.
ETA just wanted to add, how you handle this will be noted by your children. I wouldn't want my child to think that racist behaviour is acceptable in our "friends"
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 16:41:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2019 20:20:49 GMT
We're all obligated to speak up, we can't let people think this is ok.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 3, 2019 20:28:14 GMT
I made a new friend in my new neighborhood. I really like her, we share hobbies, and our kids do, too, so I see her a lot. I invited her to come with me to the flea market to look for vintage linens and some house plants, and she made a cringe face saying, "ooh, yeah, that place is sooo, how do I say this, not white." She's right, it is largely Hispanic with some Asian, and only some white people. But she obviously doesn't like them. I was so caught off guard by her comment and disdain for the place and people. I said yeah, it's very diverse there with a straight face. On one hand I want to preserve our friendship and keep things nuetral, on the other hand I feel like it's my obligation to speak up. I feel like I failed PoC by acting like it was no big deal. But I also don't know what I could have said differently. I'm just going to be brutally honest here. If it's more important for you to preserve your friendship, you are choosing racist behavior. The old saying is "neutrality favors the oppressor." Do you think she'll change her mind? Do you think this is fundamentally who she is? This, to me, speaks of her blatant racism. This wasn't a microaggression; this was a conscious choice to say, "I don't like people who aren't white." Personally, I would not be friends with her. If she asks you why you don't hang out, be honest. Tell her, "I don't like the way you talk about people of color. It's racist." This is how we have to do the work of being anti-racist. It means giving up our white comfort. I am sorry that she wasn't who you expected, but hopefully you will make other friends whose values align with yours. This is how I feel. I just hate being put in this situation when it's someone I see constantly. Damnit. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 3, 2019 20:30:21 GMT
I would have immediately called her out on her racism. Let her be embarrassed or self righteous. Either way, racism is a deal breaker for me. Too bad, cause she was a fun friend. Fun doesn't equal nice.
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Post by SockMonkey on Mar 3, 2019 20:31:26 GMT
I'm just going to be brutally honest here. If it's more important for you to preserve your friendship, you are choosing racist behavior. The old saying is "neutrality favors the oppressor." Do you think she'll change her mind? Do you think this is fundamentally who she is? This, to me, speaks of her blatant racism. This wasn't a microaggression; this was a conscious choice to say, "I don't like people who aren't white." Personally, I would not be friends with her. If she asks you why you don't hang out, be honest. Tell her, "I don't like the way you talk about people of color. It's racist." This is how we have to do the work of being anti-racist. It means giving up our white comfort. I am sorry that she wasn't who you expected, but hopefully you will make other friends whose values align with yours. This is how I feel. I just hate being put in this situation when it's someone I see constantly. Damnit. I get it. And I think you can be civil to this person, but I wouldn't go beyond that. I wouldn't seek their company, and I'd probably be cautious about letting my kids play with hers (or at least equip them with some tools to respond should her kids start to parrot some of the things she says). It's really hard. I'm sorry. |
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Post by tracyarts on Mar 3, 2019 20:35:52 GMT
I have done this several times when faced with that kind of attitude. Once, they came around and decided that if I was enthusiastic about the level of local diversity then maybe it was a good thing. But the rest dropped me like a hot potato. Oh well.. I can be friends with people who don't embrace diversity because they're timid about it or simply not interested, but not if they hold it in contempt. Perhaps you could have responded with something like... Oh, I know. I just love seeing all of the diverse ethnicities and cultures in our neighborhood. Don't you? At least a response like that would make her aware of your opinion in a neutral way. |
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Post by Really Red on Mar 3, 2019 20:41:56 GMT
If she doesn't share your values, then I would personally back way off on having a friendship. Be friendLY, but not friends. And yes, politely speak up and ask exactly what she means by that comment. Why do we have to "politely" speak up? Is there something polite about saying that she doesn't want to go to a place where the people aren't white? We have GOT to stop allowing this kind of behavior to feel comfortable for people. I want to cheer at this response. Why is it okay for her to say what she said? It is NOT. We have to stop tacitly approving that kind of behavior or nothing will change. This does NOT mean you have to break up a friendship. It means you can say what you think and you mean. It is up to her to decide whether or not that's what she wants to live with. But how can YOU live with what she said? |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 3, 2019 20:51:35 GMT
I would nope right out of that friendship.
I would not want to be near a racist, or associated with one.
And what kind of values does she teach her kids? You want your kids ago think you share those views?
Fuck her and her nasty racist personality.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,511
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Mar 3, 2019 20:55:21 GMT
Wow, what a punch to the gut! Although it's tempting to just slide away from her, how are things going to change if we just drop friendships with everyone who needs schooling? If this woman is otherwise worthwhile as a friend, then maybe it's worth the time to open her eyes. And then she'll be equipped to open the eyes of others... I think it's up to white people to teach other white people not to be racist - I don't know your race, OP, but I'm guessing she wouldn't have felt comfortable saying that if you were a PoC. That really is a crummy surprise, especially if you two have so much other stuff in common and she seemed like a good egg.  |
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 3, 2019 21:00:44 GMT
I made a new friend in my new neighborhood. I really like her, we share hobbies, and our kids do, too, so I see her a lot. I invited her to come with me to the flea market to look for vintage linens and some house plants, and she made a cringe face saying, "ooh, yeah, that place is sooo, how do I say this, not white." She's right, it is largely Hispanic with some Asian, and only some white people. But she obviously doesn't like them. I was so caught off guard by her comment and disdain for the place and people. I said yeah, it's very diverse there with a straight face. On one hand I want to preserve our friendship and keep things nuetral, on the other hand I feel like it's my obligation to speak up. I feel like I failed PoC by acting like it was no big deal. But I also don't know what I could have said differently. I've got a few friends who don't want to go near a flea market with me because they see them as dirty or overwhelming. I can't imagine someone saying this.  You don't need to be confrontational, but you can be clear in saying "ooh yeah, your mindset is sooo, how do I say this, not cool." Not saying anything is being complicit.  |
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Post by SockMonkey on Mar 3, 2019 21:38:04 GMT
Wow, what a punch to the gut! Although it's tempting to just slide away from her, how are things going to change if we just drop friendships with everyone who needs schooling? If this woman is otherwise worthwhile as a friend, then maybe it's worth the time to open her eyes. And then she'll be equipped to open the eyes of others... I think it's up to white people to teach other white people not to be racist - I don't know your race, OP, but I'm guessing she wouldn't have felt comfortable saying that if you were a PoC. That really is a crummy surprise, especially if you two have so much other stuff in common and she seemed like a good egg. I do agree with you that white people need to hold each other accountable, and that sliding away is too easy. I think it's good to definitely be clear and direct if she says something in her presence again, so that she can hold her accountable, but we have to be prepared that people who say these sorts of things are almost always going to drop US as friends when called out, and not vice versa. Folks who are willing to do better are much more likely to stick with the friendships. I don't have enough info to know where the OP's new friend falls. I hope it works out that this woman starts to examine her problematic views. |
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Deleted
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Apr 27, 2024 16:41:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2019 21:42:50 GMT
I have racist cousins. I have very little to do with them. My own mother makes similar comments and then complains that I do not talk to her.
I was developing a friendship with another team mom when she said something similar. I am now polite towards her and nothing else. I have no patience for racist people.
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Post by dewryce on Mar 3, 2019 21:49:39 GMT
If she doesn't share your values, then I would personally back way off on having a friendship. Be friendLY, but not friends. And yes, politely speak up and ask exactly what she means by that comment. Why do we have to "politely" speak up? Is there something polite about saying that she doesn't want to go to a place where the people aren't white? We have GOT to stop allowing this kind of behavior to feel comfortable for people. I think you can be both polite and get your point across though. Not to make them comfortable, but so that there is more chance that they’ll listen. I know when someone has something contentious to discuss with me I “hear” them more easily than if they aren’t attacking me or being aggressive out of the gate. |
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Mar 3, 2019 21:50:08 GMT
I'm sure you were caught wrong footed at the time but if it was me I couldn't be quiet. I would have to speak up and allow her to explain. If her reasons are racist, well I won't be shy in telling her what I thought. If you think there is room to educate her then take that opportunity otherwise, well, I couldn't be friends with her.ETA just wanted to add, how you handle this will be noted by your children. I wouldn't want my child to think that racist behaviour is acceptable in our "friends" Someone asked why be polite - this is the reason why. If we get up on a soap box and make sure the other person knows how superior we are to them, nothing will change. If we take the time to make our feelings, beliefs, values known we may change someone. Being polite does not equal being walked on or quiet in my mind. It means treating others with respect, even if they don't necessarily deserve it. Also, I would like to think I would speak up instantly, but if it was someone I thought I knew and this came out of no where, TBH, I am not sure how I wold respond at the moment. Threads like this help me to process my thoughts and be more prepared if I am ever faced with a situation like this. So OP, thank you for sharing, I am learning. |
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Post by SockMonkey on Mar 3, 2019 21:54:33 GMT
Why do we have to "politely" speak up? Is there something polite about saying that she doesn't want to go to a place where the people aren't white? We have GOT to stop allowing this kind of behavior to feel comfortable for people. I think you can be both polite and get your point across though. Not to make them comfortable, but so that there is more chance that they’ll listen. I know when someone has something contentious to discuss with me I “hear” them more easily than if they aren’t attacking me or being aggressive out of the gate. I hear you, and understand what you're saying. However, sometimes "politeness" shows up for white folks in hard conversations as not being direct or clear about what is being said. I think a better way to describe it is direct and civil? I agree with you, though. |
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Post by SockMonkey on Mar 3, 2019 21:58:17 GMT
I'm sure you were caught wrong footed at the time but if it was me I couldn't be quiet. I would have to speak up and allow her to explain. If her reasons are racist, well I won't be shy in telling her what I thought. If you think there is room to educate her then take that opportunity otherwise, well, I couldn't be friends with her.ETA just wanted to add, how you handle this will be noted by your children. I wouldn't want my child to think that racist behaviour is acceptable in our "friends" Someone asked why be polite - this is the reason why. If we get up on a soap box and make sure the other person knows how superior we are to them, nothing will change. If we take the time to make our feelings, beliefs, values known we may change someone. Being polite does not equal being walked on or quiet in my mind. It means treating others with respect, even if they don't necessarily deserve it. Also, I would like to think I would speak up instantly, but if it was someone I thought I knew and this came out of no where, TBH, I am not sure how I wold respond at the moment. Threads like this help me to process my thoughts and be more prepared if I am ever faced with a situation like this. So OP, thank you for sharing, I am learning. I am not saying that she should get on a soap box. As I responded to another poster, sometimes "politeness" shows up as allowing the person who is being racist to be comfortable in that position. Civility is certainly a better option than screaming in someone's face. But, I don't see anything wrong with a firmly worded, "Why would you say something like that to me?" |
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Post by dewryce on Mar 3, 2019 21:59:20 GMT
I think you can be both polite and get your point across though. Not to make them comfortable, but so that there is more chance that they’ll listen. I know when someone has something contentious to discuss with me I “hear” them more easily than if they aren’t attacking me or being aggressive out of the gate. I hear you, and understand what you're saying. However, sometimes "politeness" shows up for white folks in hard conversations as not being direct or clear about what is being said. I think a better way to describe it is direct and civil? I agree with you, though. I see what you mean. Yeah, that’s not the kind of polite I’m talking about and I tend to be direct so it drives me crazy. Civil is a great way to word it. |
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,417
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Post by YooHoot on Mar 3, 2019 21:59:21 GMT
The older I get, the less I tolerate people like that. You can think anyway you want, but the moment you share your racist phobic thoughts out loud, I won’t hesitate to call you out. I won’t do it nasty, but I will make you aware that I don’t feel that way and won’t allow someone in my presence to speak like that.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Mar 3, 2019 22:15:49 GMT
Why would you want to 'preserve' a friendship with a blatant racist?
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