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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 17, 2019 16:18:27 GMT
I still believe it takes a village to raise a kid, and it can get really, really old having to be the only one calling out your kid’s bad behavior. If my DD was insolent and rude to me like that in a family member’s home, I would honestly welcome someone else from outside our dynamic calling her out on it. Thankfully we don’t tend to have those problems in the first place because our kid learned from early on it won’t work out well for her in the end, and in the second place I will call my own kid out on that kind of stuff myself so the observer wouldn’t be in the uncomfortable position of feeling like they need to.
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Post by misadventurous on Mar 17, 2019 16:37:07 GMT
I think you handled it fine.
When choosing battles, I think you could do a lot worse than 'requiring a minimum amount of respect'.
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Post by maryland on Mar 17, 2019 22:14:29 GMT
I still believe it takes a village to raise a kid, and it can get really, really old having to be the only one calling out your kid’s bad behavior. If my DD was insolent and rude to me like that in a family member’s home, I would honestly welcome someone else from outside our dynamic calling her out on it. Thankfully we don’t tend to have those problems in the first place because our kid learned from early on it won’t work out well for her in the end, and in the second place I will call my own kid out on that kind of stuff myself so the observer wouldn’t be in the uncomfortable position of feeling like they need to. We don't have that problem either, because we taught our kids early to be respectful.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,906
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Mar 17, 2019 22:31:00 GMT
I’m fine with what you said. If it happened at your house you have every right to expect a certain amount of respect. At your sisters house you probably should not say anything. But your sister is a real pushover, she needs to put her foot down. There is such a thing as having a grow up talk with her daughter and remind her that things like not wanting to do something for her mom can cause her mom to not want to pay the phone bill. I have a 20 and an 18 yr old. I have had to remind them occasionally that things work both ways. I do something’s for them, they do some things for me.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 2:17:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2019 2:53:50 GMT
When my kids were that age they already knew that if I said "WILL you please get me a napkin" ,or some other wording that indicated a choice; I was willing to accept "no" as the answer. If it was more of a directive, "Please get me a napkin" they were expected to get up and get the napkin. I do think young children should learn manners and to be helpful. But I also believe it is ok to teach older children they do not have to be doormats and honor every request an adult makes just because they are an adult.
eta: so in the OP's example, every time the SIL said "will you" I would have known it was highly likely my kids would have said "no" because they were exercising their power to say it. So depending on my mood I would either go take care of it myself or restated it was a directive without the "will you" . Or in the case where it was a directive the niece said she didn't know where to go I would have told her where to go or given her a smart mouth answer about being able to figure it out. I wouldn't have been too happy with my sil deciding to direct my child for me. I feel like when the parents are present the aunts need to zip their lip. If my teens a a pita when I am away then aunt has free reign to teach them.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,034
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Mar 18, 2019 3:04:51 GMT
If you’re going to ASK someone to do something, you have to accept no as an answer.
If you expect niece to do your bidding, tell her, don’t ask.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 18, 2019 3:24:31 GMT
I do think young children should learn manners and to be helpful. But I also believe it is ok to teach older children they do not have to be doormats and honor every request an adult makes just because they are an adult. I think we get more compliance with our requests because we don’t abuse it in our house. I don’t ask my kid to get up and do something I’m fully capable of doing myself just because I don’t feel like doing it myself. She’s my kid, not my slave. If I’m in the middle of something and I need her to do something for me at that particular moment, I ask her politely and tell her WHY I need her help, i.e. “DD, my hands are covered with butter, could you please grab my phone and answer it?” Because we’re not just frivolously ordering our kid around, she’s much more willing to help us out when we actually need her to. The bonus is that it’s also teaching her that she is completely capable of doing things for herself and we’re not her slaves either. Coupled with the above, we frequently will just automatically ask if we can do something for someone else if we are already heading that way. If I’m getting up to get myself a glass of water or something, I will ask DH or DD if they would also like one since I’m already going and doing it. It’s easier for me to just bring three than it is for me to do it for myself only, sit down and then have one or both of them say, “Hey! I want a cookie too!” By modeling this behavior ourselves, our kid has picked up the habit. I have to say it’s really nice living with people who are typically thoughtful and considerate of others. It doesn’t make you a pushover, it makes you kind.
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Post by MsChiff on Mar 19, 2019 4:59:11 GMT
I would have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut. That mom is a total pushover and the kid is taking advantage. I would have done what you did if it was in MY HOUSE. We just had our 2 nieces and nephew for a week, took them on vacation without their mom/dad, and when we took them back to their mom, it's like they were all possessed and different children, I was SHOCKED and did say something to two of them. The teacher in me can't keep her mouth shut! This! SO much this! I have no tolerance for kids who are disrespectful to their parents. I don't care whether they want to get their Mom a glass of water. I don't know a Mom that doesn't work her ass off, either in or out of the home, to provide for/take care of her kids. She does it when she feels good, when she's sick and when she just plain doesn't feel like doing it. If she asks for a glass of water, they need to respect her enough to get it for her. I've spoken to my nieces and nephews when they've disrespected their parents and guess what, they all respect me for it. They are all now adults and I have very close relationships with all of them. They all act respectfully towards me, and towards their parents (at least when I'm around ). The attitude of "this is my kid and I'm the only one that can teach/discipline them" is, IMO, bullshit. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child. This includes family, friends, teachers, and other adults the child encounters in their lives. I lived it and believe it. FWIW, I don't believe that pushing a child out of one's vagina (or providing the sperm to create said child) gives a parent supreme wisdom on how to raise that child into a responsible, respectable adult. Just as not having a child does not disqualify a person from possessing such knowledge.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,750
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Mar 19, 2019 13:56:05 GMT
I have not read all the comments of other peas, but your niece sounds like my niece! But in my case, it is my sister, not SIL. I think there is also a difference on how I can react since it is my sister's daughter. My sister and I have a good relationship, but her parenting has a lot to be desired. She has spoiled my niece too much, she treats her like an equal until my sister doesn't want that. My dad has an issue being around sister and niece at the same time, it is awful! Niece will want something to eat at a restaurant and then barely touch it and then want dessert (which sister will get for her). I don't say anything until this past summer, we were in a public place, it was busy and she was acting like a 2 year old. And I yelled at her and told her to knock it off, she's 12 not 2. I have no regrets, she was acting a fool in public and I wasn't going stand around an listen to my sister try please her. I have a son, he would not get away with that at her age. We raised him as our child and not as our friend. And guess what, he turned out great! For me, I try to walk away and take some deep breaths. Then I tell myself she is not mine, it is not my issue. And then pray my sister will get her act together and start to take control of being the parent.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 19, 2019 14:14:55 GMT
I still believe it takes a village to raise a kid, and it can get really, really old having to be the only one calling out your kid’s bad behavior. If my DD was insolent and rude to me like that in a family member’s home, I would honestly welcome someone else from outside our dynamic calling her out on it. Thankfully we don’t tend to have those problems in the first place because our kid learned from early on it won’t work out well for her in the end, and in the second place I will call my own kid out on that kind of stuff myself so the observer wouldn’t be in the uncomfortable position of feeling like they need to. We don't have that problem either, because we taught our kids early to be respectful. Well isn't that just a slap at those of us who struggle with teenage attitude... I taught my kids to be respectful too. Which is evidenced by the fact that everyone besides me gets treated wonderfully. They push and challenge me because I am their primary caregiver. And it's quite humorous that now that my DD is close to being 19 and has matured in a lot of ways, plus is starting to get her bipolar under control, that wonderful kid I raised to treat people with respect is starting again to show respect to me. I'm quite glad for anyone who's children are respectful. I'm quite disappointed when there's a complete lack of understanding about the challenges others face with their kids. Not having a father impacts kids, as well. Having mental illness impacts kids, as well. Only seeing your dad two or three weekends a month impacts kids, as well. And sometimes, kids are just plain moody, same as an adult and do stupid things. I know I have to apologize on occasion for my behavior. Why aren't kids allowed to have bad days too? Why is everything bad parenting and not just a teenager having a bad day? I take complete offense at the idea that teenage challenges mean that I haven't taught them to show respect.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 19, 2019 14:38:37 GMT
I just started reading the responses, but I agree with the way you handled it. No way I would keep my mouth shut. I keep coming back to this... We teach people that if they see something, then say (or do) something. We teach our kids to stand up to bullying and not being respected. We need to be teaching our kids to be respectful of others.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 19, 2019 14:41:14 GMT
I'd say to let it be. The dynamics between teens and their parents have too many variables for someone who is not around 24/7 to comprehend. You said your niece grinned when you told her to help her mom. Consider this: you could be adding fuel to the fire by making a remark. Your niece, responding to you, was a non-verbal way for her to get a dig in with her mom. "I'll do this for my aunt, but not for you, Mom." If I was the mom, I'd feel defeated in that moment. So be a good support to your SIL, but let the mom/daughter dance play out on its own. Just as much as the little smirk/smile could have meant that she knew she was being an ass and (finally) got called out on it. Or that she respects her own mother so little that she did for her aunt and not for her own mother. The aunt is NOT responsible for how the niece treats or feels about her own mother.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Mar 19, 2019 15:12:12 GMT
But where in the rest of the world do you *have* to do someone a favor, like get up from the table to get them water instead of them getting themselves water? At any job. If a boss/supervisor asks you nicely to do XYZ it's really not an option. It came from the boss so you do it. Or you go find a different job. The problem here is with the mom not expecting her DD to have respect for her. She is asking for a favor instead of politely telling her DD to "please get me some water". My DDs knew from a very young age that if I asked them to do something saying 'no' wasn't an option. Asking the first time was just me showing respect to them and being polite. After that if it wasn't done it became more of a non-optional "ask" (ie. tell). The niece is being a 'typical teen' in the way that her mom is letting her get away with her lack of respect. This is on the mom to fix.
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Post by beaglemom on Mar 19, 2019 15:45:50 GMT
My oldest niece is the same way and it drives me batty. I have called her out on it before because it was out of control. It is interesting because she is great to everyone else, but with her mom, there is some crazy attitude. I have mostly said something when I have seen my oldest watching because when we visit she tends to come home and try on the behaviors that she sees her cousins get away with that do not fly in my house!
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Post by maryland on Mar 19, 2019 16:41:10 GMT
We don't have that problem either, because we taught our kids early to be respectful. Well isn't that just a slap at those of us who struggle with teenage attitude... I taught my kids to be respectful too. Which is evidenced by the fact that everyone besides me gets treated wonderfully. They push and challenge me because I am their primary caregiver. And it's quite humorous that now that my DD is close to being 19 and has matured in a lot of ways, plus is starting to get her bipolar under control, that wonderful kid I raised to treat people with respect is starting again to show respect to me. I'm quite glad for anyone who's children are respectful. I'm quite disappointed when there's a complete lack of understanding about the challenges others face with their kids. Not having a father impacts kids, as well. Having mental illness impacts kids, as well. Only seeing your dad two or three weekends a month impacts kids, as well. And sometimes, kids are just plain moody, same as an adult and do stupid things. I know I have to apologize on occasion for my behavior. Why aren't kids allowed to have bad days too? Why is everything bad parenting and not just a teenager having a bad day? I take complete offense at the idea that teenage challenges mean that I haven't taught them to show respect. I'm very sorry, didn't mean it to sound like others don't teach their kids. I appreciate people that teach their kids to be respectful. I am going through a very hard time right now, and I say/write stupid things. I should take a break from the internet, I don't want to come across as a jerk, and right now I sound like a total jerk. I am so sorry, I feel so stupid and so awful.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 2:17:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2019 17:11:08 GMT
I've been reluctant to comment because I don't know the solution. I will just put this out there. I have a dear friend who is 72 and has terminal heart disease. We have been friends since we were in elementary school.She's been very sick...in and out of the hospital and nursing home for over 2 years. She was a single mom with a daughter. She is the sweetest friend ever. She is what some call a "people pleaser."
She let her dd get by with this kind of behavior all her life. She was given everything she wanted and never disciplined, reprimanded or required to have chores. Her dd did very well in school and graduated college, married, is a very active church member and had 3 sons who she homeschooled. The oldest is in college and #2 will start next fall.
. She treats her mother like shit.. My friend admits it is her own fault.. Her sil is very controlling , demanding and condensing, too.But she says her dd is worse.
I know how hard it is for young people to understand what it's like to be old. And its hard for healthy people to realize what its like to be sick.I took care of my gf for several years and I realize I was not very sympathic with him about all his ailments and I regret that...a lot.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 19, 2019 17:20:34 GMT
Well isn't that just a slap at those of us who struggle with teenage attitude... I taught my kids to be respectful too. Which is evidenced by the fact that everyone besides me gets treated wonderfully. They push and challenge me because I am their primary caregiver. And it's quite humorous that now that my DD is close to being 19 and has matured in a lot of ways, plus is starting to get her bipolar under control, that wonderful kid I raised to treat people with respect is starting again to show respect to me. I'm quite glad for anyone who's children are respectful. I'm quite disappointed when there's a complete lack of understanding about the challenges others face with their kids. Not having a father impacts kids, as well. Having mental illness impacts kids, as well. Only seeing your dad two or three weekends a month impacts kids, as well. And sometimes, kids are just plain moody, same as an adult and do stupid things. I know I have to apologize on occasion for my behavior. Why aren't kids allowed to have bad days too? Why is everything bad parenting and not just a teenager having a bad day? I take complete offense at the idea that teenage challenges mean that I haven't taught them to show respect. I'm very sorry, didn't mean it to sound like others don't teach their kids. I appreciate people that teach their kids to be respectful. I am going through a very hard time right now, and I say/write stupid things. I should take a break from the internet, I don't want to come across as a jerk, and right now I sound like a total jerk. I am so sorry, I feel so stupid and so awful. I apologize if I misunderstood you but I've read the comment several times and I don't know how else to read it. I am sorry you are going through a tough time. I won't make it worse. Many of us laid a solid foundation and still ended up dealing with situations that are difficult. Good parents sometimes have kids that have gone rogue.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Mar 19, 2019 18:00:34 GMT
I would have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut. That mom is a total pushover and the kid is taking advantage. I would have done what you did if it was in MY HOUSE. We just had our 2 nieces and nephew for a week, took them on vacation without their mom/dad, and when we took them back to their mom, it's like they were all possessed and different children, I was SHOCKED and did say something to two of them. The teacher in my cant keep her mouth shut! I think this kind of is what I was trying to say. Niece is NOT some hooligan who doesn't know how to act. DH and I took her on a cruise just the two of us and she was fine. We go shopping and hang out and it's all so easy-breezy. Same when it's just my SIL and me. But when the two of them are together, it's just so hard to deal with. Niece just becomes so surly and irritating and SIL just lets her run the show. And that's irritating to me. And I probably have a harder time dealing with it because we do not have children or really any other exposure to non-adults. These are my closest family and you go from enjoying their company to wanting to smack them both. I think part of the problem is that they live out of town so while we do see them often, it's for an entire weekend, not just a couple of hours each visit. So you're really kind of getting the "lived in" perspective. I am just trying to navigate how to remain silent. As a parent of a 17 year old male version of your niece... please understand you are wayyyy more likely to embarrass your SIL and cause her to feel shame, than you are to "teach" the niece to be considerate to her mother. As parents, we do our absolute best. And the very best of us fall short (in our eyes) because both our children are human, and we are human. As a single mom, I do as another poster said, and you pick and choose your battles. Constantly being on the offensive isn't helpful at all to raising children. And some people (myself specifically) aren't by nature confrontational, and don't enjoy arguing constantly (my parents did, and do. I was a very easy teen... and they literally took shifts picking me apart.) My son is highly unlikely to do what you described in front of others, but we live far from those people that he would feel comfortable enough to do it. Please go easy on your SIL.. the last thing she needs is someone judging her.
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Post by flanz on Mar 19, 2019 18:36:17 GMT
I think this kind of is what I was trying to say. Niece is NOT some hooligan who doesn't know how to act. DH and I took her on a cruise just the two of us and she was fine. We go shopping and hang out and it's all so easy-breezy. Same when it's just my SIL and me. But when the two of them are together, it's just so hard to deal with. Niece just becomes so surly and irritating and SIL just lets her run the show. And that's irritating to me. And I probably have a harder time dealing with it because we do not have children or really any other exposure to non-adults. These are my closest family and you go from enjoying their company to wanting to smack them both. I think part of the problem is that they live out of town so while we do see them often, it's for an entire weekend, not just a couple of hours each visit. So you're really kind of getting the "lived in" perspective. I am just trying to navigate how to remain silent. I have gone thru something similar with family members. I spoke with them when we were alone and told them how their actions made me look at them differently, with less respect and admiration. In your case, I might tell her that I saw her actions as being disrespectful and ungrateful and I, who had previously thought she was the bee's knees, now wondered if she was perhaps bordering on being a spoiled child. I would not want to take someone I thought so poorly of on trips or adventures because I would be concerned they would start showing this attitude to me. I have to admit, I would also tell her what I think of people who disrespect their parents and it's not something positive. She would not be raising her value in my eyes by acting that way. I would also have a similar conversation with SIL, letting her know that when Niece behaves like that in front of us, we are not encouraged to think well of her. If SIL wants her DD to shine, she needs to make sure DD understands how these sort of actions take the shine off that halo. I am the parent of 2 grown kids, and there is no time in their life that they would have reacted the way your niece did. Had they even hesitated when I asked them to do something, they would have received THE LOOK that they both swear still strikes terror in their hearts. LOL Neither of mine were angels, but this was not something they would have done. Marcy I'm with Marcy.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Mar 19, 2019 21:15:16 GMT
I have a 15yo daughter. Your SIL is choosing her battles, and this one isn’t worth it to her. I may be in the minority, but I think it’s great that you spoke up when they were in your home. Teens can be blind to the way their actions are perceived by others. This. If my J had tried to pull that & her mom had responded the way you did, I wouldn't have had to say anything.... I'd have just give her *The Look.* Possibly an, 'Excuse me?' with *The Tone.* Though her parents, who have always been pretty good at not treating her like a slave, would probably beat me to it. If you aren't constantly making demands on a teen, there's no reason not to expect them to do things that amount to common courtesy, which these things were.
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,685
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
Jul 22, 2017 4:59:41 GMT
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Post by luckyjune on Mar 20, 2019 0:16:29 GMT
I'd say to let it be. The dynamics between teens and their parents have too many variables for someone who is not around 24/7 to comprehend. You said your niece grinned when you told her to help her mom. Consider this: you could be adding fuel to the fire by making a remark. Your niece, responding to you, was a non-verbal way for her to get a dig in with her mom. "I'll do this for my aunt, but not for you, Mom." If I was the mom, I'd feel defeated in that moment. So be a good support to your SIL, but let the mom/daughter dance play out on its own. Just as much as the little smirk/smile could have meant that she knew she was being an ass and (finally) got called out on it. Or that she respects her own mother so little that she did for her aunt and not for her own mother. The aunt is NOT responsible for how the niece treats or feels about her own mother. I do believe I used the word "could" in my response, so of course other possibilities are out there. I don't remember assigning responsibility to the aunt, either. I do know, having raised three teens to adulthood (one of them a daughter) that sometimes well-meaning friends and family "step in" and sometimes make things worse. That's all I was asking the OP to think about.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,913
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Mar 20, 2019 3:39:42 GMT
We don't have that problem either, because we taught our kids early to be respectful. Well isn't that just a slap at those of us who struggle with teenage attitude... I taught my kids to be respectful too. Which is evidenced by the fact that everyone besides me gets treated wonderfully. They push and challenge me because I am their primary caregiver. And it's quite humorous that now that my DD is close to being 19 and has matured in a lot of ways, plus is starting to get her bipolar under control, that wonderful kid I raised to treat people with respect is starting again to show respect to me. I'm quite glad for anyone who's children are respectful. I'm quite disappointed when there's a complete lack of understanding about the challenges others face with their kids. Not having a father impacts kids, as well. Having mental illness impacts kids, as well. Only seeing your dad two or three weekends a month impacts kids, as well. And sometimes, kids are just plain moody, same as an adult and do stupid things. I know I have to apologize on occasion for my behavior. Why aren't kids allowed to have bad days too? Why is everything bad parenting and not just a teenager having a bad day? I take complete offense at the idea that teenage challenges mean that I haven't taught them to show respect. I have read and come back to this thread a few times, and I want to also state that I don't think this issue is so black and white, and I think it is better to err on the side of kindness rather than being "right" when judging other parents---especially when we do not know the entire story, and TRY to be sensitive and realize that we don't all come from the same life experiences nor do we all have neurotypical/mentally healthy kids. Just try people. Try to realize that your way and your experiences can skew your perspective. I guess, to the OP, I think there are a few things I would ask myself before I insert myself into a parenting situation. - Do you really worry about the future of your niece or are you just annoyed? Do you think, overall, she is a good kid being raised decently and will turn out OK, or is this truly a problem and you are really concerned?
- Do you really think your SIL wants and will accept help? Are you willing to talk to her about this situation? I mean, if you can't have a real, honest conversation with your SIL, should you be parenting her DD?
I think it really depends on your true intention, tone and dynamics of your relationship. I have generally stayed out of my relatives parenting. I certainly don't agree with everything they have done or what their kids do. I deal with my nieces/nephews/friend's kids/etc... when I am in charge of them. Otherwise, I only get involved if they are directly talking to me or my children OR a couple of times, when I know my SIL was frustrated with something and we have had a discussion about it. To me, THAT is being a village. Truly caring and having honest intentions vs just being annoyed and thinking you know better.
My BIL annoys the crap out of me at times. He makes a lot of passive aggressive comments and often jumps in with parenting my boys. I think he could bring value to certain situations, but it isn't as if he has parenting all figured out, I haven't asked him to give his 2cents or parent my kids, and I don't feel like it comes from a place of compassion or caring...more from annoyance and arrogance. I feel it is condescending and offensive. I have been parenting twins for 11 years, one who is not neurotypical, teaching high schoolers for 22 years and continue to educate myself through continuing education, reading books, seeking out help, etc... I don't have it all figured out. Parenting is HARD and messy and sometimes it feels like I am losing at this thing. I can accept help (and have from people I really think want to help, like teachers and a couple friends, who have listened, helped and then admitted that they didn't have all the answers), but I can smell clueless self-righteousness a mile away.
Back off Betty unless you want me to give you MY honest opinion about all of what I think are your flaws you need help correcting.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 20, 2019 14:29:57 GMT
We don't have that problem either, because we taught our kids early to be respectful. Well isn't that just a slap at those of us who struggle with teenage attitude... I taught my kids to be respectful too. Which is evidenced by the fact that everyone besides me gets treated wonderfully. They push and challenge me because I am their primary caregiver. And it's quite humorous that now that my DD is close to being 19 and has matured in a lot of ways, plus is starting to get her bipolar under control, that wonderful kid I raised to treat people with respect is starting again to show respect to me. I'm quite glad for anyone who's children are respectful. I'm quite disappointed when there's a complete lack of understanding about the challenges others face with their kids. Not having a father impacts kids, as well. Having mental illness impacts kids, as well. Only seeing your dad two or three weekends a month impacts kids, as well. And sometimes, kids are just plain moody, same as an adult and do stupid things. I know I have to apologize on occasion for my behavior. Why aren't kids allowed to have bad days too? Why is everything bad parenting and not just a teenager having a bad day? I take complete offense at the idea that teenage challenges mean that I haven't taught them to show respect. My post wasn’t intended as a hand slap and I’m sorry if you took it that way. I think you’re a great mom and have an entirely different situation though than the average everyday annoying teen who’s just being a jerk. My sister #1 has three kids and I watched her raise those kids by trying to be their BFFs instead of their parent, I’m sure hoping that they would “like” her more than their a-hole dad. It totally backfired. Those kids were always so rude and disrespectful toward her and still treat her like a doormat now that they’re all adults. Her not so DH would never ever back her up or tell the kids to knock it off so it wasn’t hard to see where they learned it from. My sister #2 has two now adult kids that she basically raised herself for the most part because her DH worked nights for most of their childhoods and was only around on the weekends. However, sister #2 would not tolerate any amount of disrespect from those kids and her DH backed her up 100%. It was one of their hills to die on, so to speak. Don’t get me wrong, her kids pulled their fair share of stupid stuff, but they were not disrespectful ever. They knew there would be zero tolerance from both mom and dad and the discipline they would get wouldn’t be worth it.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Mar 20, 2019 19:00:15 GMT
On both my and my husband's side of the family, an adult would definitely say something to a kid behaving like that.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Mar 20, 2019 19:41:24 GMT
Well isn't that just a slap at those of us who struggle with teenage attitude... I taught my kids to be respectful too. Which is evidenced by the fact that everyone besides me gets treated wonderfully. They push and challenge me because I am their primary caregiver. And it's quite humorous that now that my DD is close to being 19 and has matured in a lot of ways, plus is starting to get her bipolar under control, that wonderful kid I raised to treat people with respect is starting again to show respect to me. I'm quite glad for anyone who's children are respectful. I'm quite disappointed when there's a complete lack of understanding about the challenges others face with their kids. Not having a father impacts kids, as well. Having mental illness impacts kids, as well. Only seeing your dad two or three weekends a month impacts kids, as well. And sometimes, kids are just plain moody, same as an adult and do stupid things. I know I have to apologize on occasion for my behavior. Why aren't kids allowed to have bad days too? Why is everything bad parenting and not just a teenager having a bad day? I take complete offense at the idea that teenage challenges mean that I haven't taught them to show respect. My post wasn’t intended as a hand slap and I’m sorry if you took it that way. I think you’re a great mom and have an entirely different situation though than the average everyday annoying teen who’s just being a jerk. My sister #1 has three kids and I watched her raise those kids by trying to be their BFFs instead of their parent, I’m sure hoping that they would “like” her more than their a-hole dad. It totally backfired. Those kids were always so rude and disrespectful toward her and still treat her like a doormat now that they’re all adults. Her not so DH would never ever back her up or tell the kids to knock it off so it wasn’t hard to see where they learned it from. My sister #2 has two now adult kids that she basically raised herself for the most part because her DH worked nights for most of their childhoods and was only around on the weekends. However, sister #2 would not tolerate any amount of disrespect from those kids and her DH backed her up 100%. It was one of their hills to die on, so to speak. Don’t get me wrong, her kids pulled their fair share of stupid stuff, but they were not disrespectful ever. They knew there would be zero tolerance from both mom and dad and the discipline they would get wouldn’t be worth it. I'm very happy for your sister #2. She seems to have found the holy grail of parenting. Someday maybe I will. That said... I wish I could say my son never "disrespects" me. Hahaha I guarantee he gets a "think about what you just said." "Did you really mean that or was it just meant to be a jab?" "Do you want to escalate this situation? You know it won't turn out well." "I hope you enjoy the consequences of the obnoxious words that just came out of your mouth." And... Every now and then... "Have you lost your goddamn mind?! What in the f*ck are you thinking? Good luck with that. I do think you need to get the h*ll out of my face for at least an hour." My friends and family would say exactly what you said lol "OH! Fuzzymutt's son is so respectful and kind and thoughtful! He'd NEVER talk to her like that. Be more like Fuzzymutt.. her kid is never disrespectful." Because he knows that the wrath of God will come down upon him if he embarrassed with that sort of behavior. So, while you think you know.. you don't know unless you live in those walls. My sister on the other hand, raised her son to fear her hand. He was the most respectful kid ever, and a raise of her eyebrow would send him flying across the room. I just saw a commercial for a movie the other day, "Little." There is a part of the trailer that shows a cop calling for back up because a "black momma ass whooping is in progress." I would guarantee not one time before he was out of her house did he disrespect her. That said, when she wasn't around, he'd talk all kinds of crap about her. Most of it was overheard between him, my son, and his friends. Anyway... I'd rather my son respect me, rather than fear disrespecting me. And.. since it hasn't been brought up in this thread, I ordered a book from Amazon, "Yes, your teen is crazy" or something like that. I started reading it (great so far) and left it out on the counter. One day, I noticed it was in the living room in the chair my son usually sits in. I didn't say anything. A few days later, I noticed he was reading it! I asked him what he thought, and he said it was interesting, he's read more of it than I have. And he's cited it in a few arguments between us, in a positive way! My daughter was a pain around 15-17, and now she's 25 and fantastic! We are very very close. I'm confident my son and I will get through this too. And I'm guessing so will the OP's SIL and daughter. Even if they aren't perfect like @crazyforscraps sister and and her children.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 20, 2019 22:39:15 GMT
I'm very happy for your sister #2. She seems to have found the holy grail of parenting. Someday maybe I will. ... Anyway... I'd rather my son respect me, rather than fear disrespecting me. And.. since it hasn't been brought up in this thread, I ordered a book from Amazon, "Yes, your teen is crazy" or something like that. I started reading it (great so far) and left it out on the counter. One day, I noticed it was in the living room in the chair my son usually sits in. I didn't say anything. A few days later, I noticed he was reading it! I asked him what he thought, and he said it was interesting, he's read more of it than I have. And he's cited it in a few arguments between us, in a positive way! My daughter was a pain around 15-17, and now she's 25 and fantastic! We are very very close. I'm confident my son and I will get through this too. And I'm guessing so will the OP's SIL and daughter. Even if they aren't perfect like @crazyforscraps sister and and her children. I agree with you 100%, that’s what we’re shooting for too with our kid, willing respectfulness that goes both ways. And FWIW, my sister #2 will be the first to admit that they *didn’t* do everything perfectly, far from it. And her kids weren’t perfect either as teens which I stated in my post. It was just that disrespect was not something they tolerated (they are a VERY religious family and honoring one’s parents is and has always been a big deal with them). Now her kids are both well adjusted productive adults with young kids of their own, and they both have a great relationship with their parents so my sister and her DH must have done some things right.
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