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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Sept 7, 2019 10:49:56 GMT
My mother has a little get together every Friday night with my sister, her friend, my niece, my nephews girlfriends mother. I have never once been invited to it. My niece asked my mother why I wasn’t invited & her answer was because I don’t drink wine. 2 of the people there don’t drink at all & one only drinks vodka. At these Friday night get togethers they plan their trips overseas & don’t invite me on those trips either. This has been going on for 6-8 years. I am so hurt by this, just hurt that they can’t bother to include me or to take my feelings into consideration. I’m done trying to put my feelings aside to make everyone else feel better when no one really cares how I feel. I have spent my whole life trying to make my mother & sister like me. I have to accept that they just don’t. It has always been those 2 against me. I truly am the invisible child in my family & my heart is broken because of it. (((Hugs )))
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Sept 7, 2019 11:20:38 GMT
Hugs!! I see you, I hear you, and I totally feel you!! I am constantly feeling like I am only "seen" when someone wants something from me. (((Hugs))) I can relate so much!
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Post by tracyarts on Sept 7, 2019 11:38:42 GMT
I don't know. I'll never know, I attribute it to disordered behavior and am gradually letting it all go. When I confronted my uncle and aunt over leaving me off the family information at the nursing home, they said they "forgot" to include me when the administrator asked about children, it was just an oversight. But they included an infant that never made it home from the hospital in 1973? They didn't forget me, it wasn't an oversight, it was deliberate. I said I didn't believe them and they got really agitated and defensive and said it was a stressful time, just a mistake, they were rushing to complete the intake paperwork, etc... Neither one of them looked me in the eye, and they both kept looking at the floor. They never apologized, just excused. When I confronted the neighbor woman over the poster, she flat out gaslighted me. Nope, don't know what you're talking about, not sure what you think you saw but you're wrong. I kept pressing her and she got more and more agitated and hostile. Wouldn't look me in the eye, whipping her head around, looking anywhere but at me. Kept repeating that she didn't know what I was talking about, what poster, there was no poster, well okay maybe there was a poster but you didn't see what you thought you saw on it, etc.. I told her no, you're lying, you made that poster and you chose to leave me off of it and I'm not the only person who saw it so I know what I saw was real. She got really angry and deflected the conversation, said that she was the only person there for my mom when I abandoned her (I think she's the one who called adult protective services and accused me of elder abuse) and said she had nothing more to say to me, and literally hairflipped out of there. Oh hey, another one... they excluded me from the reading of the will. When I confronted my uncle about that (he had power of attorney, he was in charge of legal stuff) he said he couldn't get in contact with me, my phone must have been dead because it didn't even go to voicemail when he called (isn't that when it's supposed to go to voicemail?). Well he also had my husband's personal cell number, husband's work cell number, hysband's desk extension at work, our address, email addresses, social media information. Yet more bullshit. He chose to exclude me from the meeting. The whole family had this weird power dynamic running through most of it. My mom's sister in law was the ringleader, my mom was her right hand man, and most of the other siblings and inlaws fell into line as toadies and enforcers. One of my aunts wouldn't play the game, one reluctantly toed the line but felt conflicted over it. But the rest were set in their roles in the dynamic. All I can think to explain it is a Cluster B nest. Mom created the narrative, and like good little flying monkeys, they supported it to the end. I don't mind being invisible in "society". Most of the time I just want to be left alone anyway. I totally get the family shunning though. My mom was bad about it. I mean in a mentally pathological way too. She actually tried to erase my existence sometimes. Telling people she only had one child, my dead brother. Some of her siblings and neighbors kept the lie up after she developed Alzheimer's. You can imagine how things went down if I showed up somewhere they had told this lie. It happened a few times. I ran into my mom in a beauty salon after I had moved out and went over to talk to her about some random family matter and she blew a gasket because she had told the stylist she only had one child, a son who died in infancy. And I had humiliated her by exposing the lie, and because of me she could never go back there again. Many years later, went to visit my mom in a new nursing home she had been moved to after she no longer received any benefit from being in a memory care residence (assisted living for people with dementia) to see what it was like and make sure she was okay there. Her siblings had told the administration that she only had one child, a son who died in infancy and it really freaked them out that a woman claiming to be her daughter showed up wanting to visit her. So I was bustled into an office with a security guard until calls could be made verifying my identity and determining that there was no restraining order or anything to prevent me from visiting her. There's more to it too... When she was in the memory care residence one of the things that they did was have a poster board on her room's wall with a "fact sheet". Her name, where she was from, family relationships, friends, pets, things she enjoyed. At the nursing home, a neighbor of hers had remade the poster completely omitting my existence. It listed my brother, but not me. If it wasn't so dehumanizing it would have been absurd. I eventually confronted her siblings and neighbor over it after she died, asking why they lied about me existing, and they wouldn't look me in the eye, were extremely agitated, got very angry and evaded the question with narrative-flipping and gaslighting. Like I said, if it wasn't so dehumanizing, it would have been absurd. How do you try and pretend a living child, in the same city, doesn't exist and expect the lie not to be exposed by sheer happenstance? Not only were they a pack of Cluster Bs and their flying monkeys, they were bumblefuck morons as well. Wow, just wow. I can’t even imagine why these people would perpetuate your mother’s lie about only having one child.
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,737
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Sept 7, 2019 11:44:18 GMT
My mother has a little get together every Friday night with my sister, her friend, my niece, my nephews girlfriends mother. I have never once been invited to it. My niece asked my mother why I wasn’t invited & her answer was because I don’t drink wine. 2 of the people there don’t drink at all & one only drinks vodka. At these Friday night get togethers they plan their trips overseas & don’t invite me on those trips either. This has been going on for 6-8 years. I am so hurt by this, just hurt that they can’t bother to include me or to take my feelings into consideration. I’m done trying to put my feelings aside to make everyone else feel better when no one really cares how I feel. I have spent my whole life trying to make my mother & sister like me. I have to accept that they just don’t. It has always been those 2 against me. I truly am the invisible child in my family & my heart is broken because of it. Delia, I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. Giant hugs to you. They are incapable of giving you love. That has nothing to do with who you are -- you are a lovable and deserving person with a good soul. It's all on them, and nothing you do is going to make them change. Accept that they are not going to give you that. Whether or not you cut them out, remind yourself that they are the defective ones. You don't need their approval or invitations to live your best life. No amount of trying is going to change them. Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. Clearly those relatives are not and never will be. And that's not your fault.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 7, 2019 14:27:43 GMT
I am invisible. Always have been. Always will be. To be honest with you, the wall is so thick now that I don’t even think I have the ability to be loved any longer. You are not invisible here. You are one of my favorite Peas.
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Post by delila on Sept 7, 2019 14:35:37 GMT
After having a particularly horrible night not being able to sleep & having a few seizures (that I have not had in 2 months) I wake up to read these awesome, amazing, kind words from people who don’t really know me but have reached out to love me. I am so very thankful for this love, it is so appreciated.
As of today I have not spoken to my mother for 3 weeks or my sister for more than 2 months & I am very comfortable with that. Sister will not contact me unless she needs something I can do for her anyway.
I did find out through my cousin that sister & her mother are planning a trip to Asia. They know it’s my favourite place to visit & that is their least favourite place but I’m excluded again. 2 others have been invited though just not me. Cousin going wants me to go also to be there with her but I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to do that.
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Post by delila on Sept 7, 2019 14:38:52 GMT
Tracyarts...I’m so sorry your family has treated you so badly. You have always been one of my favourite Peas here! I enjoy reading your posts. I really think most of us would not pick the family we have if we had the choice, we would pick them like we do our friends....or Pea friends!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Sept 7, 2019 14:53:12 GMT
I am invisible. Always have been. Always will be. To be honest with you, the wall is so thick now that I don’t even think I have the ability to be loved any longer. (((Hugs)))
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Post by snugglebutter on Sept 7, 2019 15:03:02 GMT
I did find out through my cousin that sister & her mother are planning a trip to Asia. They know it’s my favourite place to visit & that is their least favourite place but I’m excluded again. 2 others have been invited though just not me. Cousin going wants me to go also to be there with her but I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to do that. Your time and money are worth so much more than this. Plan a special outing or trip with your cousin for another time.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 7, 2019 15:23:31 GMT
My mother has a little get together every Friday night with my sister, her friend, my niece, my nephews girlfriends mother. I have never once been invited to it. My niece asked my mother why I wasn’t invited & her answer was because I don’t drink wine. 2 of the people there don’t drink at all & one only drinks vodka. At these Friday night get togethers they plan their trips overseas & don’t invite me on those trips either. This has been going on for 6-8 years. I am so hurt by this, just hurt that they can’t bother to include me or to take my feelings into consideration. I’m done trying to put my feelings aside to make everyone else feel better when no one really cares how I feel. I have spent my whole life trying to make my mother & sister like me. I have to accept that they just don’t. It has always been those 2 against me. I truly am the invisible child in my family & my heart is broken because of it. That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. My mom and my sister are neighbors so they are all up in each other's business. I consider it a blessing I live across town. Close enough to have a good relationship, not close enough that they are all up in my business.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 7, 2019 15:29:13 GMT
I am the exact opposite. I feel like I wear a sign that says talk to me. I am an extrovert so mostly that's alright. But people often approach me and I just want to be invisible. And it can be very difficult trying to meet everyone's needs as well. I am always going over and above to make sure in a social situation that everyone is included and that I'm not dominating the conversation.
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Post by emelle64 on Sept 7, 2019 15:31:05 GMT
I'm really sorry Delilah. Being treated in such an obviously callous way must be awful and my heart goes out to you.
I don't necessarily feel invisible but over the last year I have definitely felt unheard. My husband of 33 years decided last May that our marriage was over and I didn't get any say in it. It has been a very very frustrating 15 months. It's like my opinion of our marriage means nothing.
Emelle
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 7, 2019 15:38:59 GMT
tracyarts that is just disgusting. What a horrible, horrible mother you have. TankTop that's certainly not true. Please don't believe that about yourself. Hugs.
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Post by mollycoddle on Sept 7, 2019 17:43:35 GMT
My mother has a little get together every Friday night with my sister, her friend, my niece, my nephews girlfriends mother. I have never once been invited to it. My niece asked my mother why I wasn’t invited & her answer was because I don’t drink wine. 2 of the people there don’t drink at all & one only drinks vodka. At these Friday night get togethers they plan their trips overseas & don’t invite me on those trips either. This has been going on for 6-8 years. I am so hurt by this, just hurt that they can’t bother to include me or to take my feelings into consideration. I’m done trying to put my feelings aside to make everyone else feel better when no one really cares how I feel. I have spent my whole life trying to make my mother & sister like me. I have to accept that they just don’t. It has always been those 2 against me. I truly am the invisible child in my family & my heart is broken because of it. I am sorry that they treat you this way. It’s terrible. Hugs to you. You deserve better.
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Post by mollycoddle on Sept 7, 2019 18:05:29 GMT
There is so much sadness on this thread. I hope that you ladies know that the bad behavior of others says more about them than it does about you. I am fortunate to have a family that gets along, and threads like this are a good reminder not to take that for granted. As far as being invisible goes, I too am invisible now that I am older. It bothered me for a long time, but I am starting to embrace my “Get off my lawn” status. It’s weird how people treat you differently as you age. But it’s not all bad either. . The best thing, to me anyhow, is understanding that some people are just toxic, and being willing to cut them out of my life. Nobody needs people like that around.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 7, 2019 18:06:27 GMT
delila Fuck them all...LOL Time to just enjoy yourself!
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Post by delila on Sept 7, 2019 18:35:50 GMT
Strangely enough because of the way I have been treated by others I have done the exact opposite. I only had 1 child but raised another child who’s mother died & his father was just not involved. He moved in with me when he was 11. He considers me his mother as well as I consider him my son. I also have a sort of daughter that I helped raise who’s parents didn’t play an active role in her life so she gravitated to me. When she came out as a lesbian she came to me first because she knew I would not judge & that I would love her always. I have a few other kids who have cycled throughout my house that still talk to me about their problems. These kids are in their 30’s, they really aren’t kids I guess! I am very open with these kids & just listen to what they need without judgment.
I am learning that I am not toxic but that my mother & sister are. I have high anxiety only when I am with them.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 7, 2019 18:40:52 GMT
Strangely enough because of the way I have been treated by others I have done the exact opposite. I only had 1 child but raised another child who’s mother died & his father was just not involved. He moved in with me when he was 11. He considers me his mother as well as I consider him my son. I also have a sort of daughter that I helped raise who’s parents didn’t play an active role in her life so she gravitated to me. When she came out as a lesbian she came to me first because she knew I would not judge & that I would love her always. I have a few other kids who have cycled throughout my house that still talk to me about their problems. These kids are in their 30’s, they really aren’t kids I guess! I am very open with these kids & just listen to what they need without judgment. I am learning that I am not toxic but that my mother & sister are. I have high anxiety only when I am with them. This proves your mother and sister are the flawed souls, not you. Bless you for mothering any child in need of it, biologic or not.
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Post by Leone on Sept 7, 2019 20:13:41 GMT
The past 50 thing is very real. Especially when dealing with young men.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Sept 7, 2019 23:00:53 GMT
I'm really sorry Delilah. Being treated in such an obviously callous way must be awful and my heart goes out to you. I don't necessarily feel invisible but over the last year I have definitely felt unheard. My husband of 33 years decided last May that our marriage was over and I didn't get any say in it. It has been a very very frustrating 15 months. It's like my opinion of our marriage means nothing. Emelle I am sorry you’re going through that. I am finally at the end of my three-year divorce battle. I never felt like my opinion in my marriage mattered simply because I had less education. I remember one time when I had an opinion contrary to my husband. He fought me hard on it but finally relinquished when his sister said the same thing I had. However, she went to the same university he did so her opinion mattered but mine did not. That should’ve been the writing on the wall that we were near the end. I wish you well on your journey. Take care of yourself.
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Sept 8, 2019 4:18:20 GMT
All the time. I have always been overweight and am approaching my 50s it gets worse. I get tired of trying to make plans with friends and no one including me in their plans. I told friends I would love to X and Y this summer, then I see that they did it when they post photos on FB. Lots still have younger children and mine are mostly gone, so I am not included in a lot of their activities. DH and I both quiet people and we would probably never get invited anywhere if we didn't try. Dh is perfectly happy being at home and going fishing by himself. While I don't want be social every day, I would like to have lunch once a week with a friend. Honestly, I feel that way here too over the years. I have posted questions and gotten 4 responses and seen the same questions posted and get many many more responses. Ah well. I would another friend who lunches! Any chance you're in GA near Atlanta? I have only 2 friends I am really close to and a couple others that I really like, but we don't have any activities in common. It took a lot for me to step outside of my shell and actually contact any of them about meeting fo lunch. Turns out, they, too, have problems reaching out without a set reason to do so. I guess birds of a feather who flock together have to understand that others share their shyness issues. If you are close, do PM me. Marcy
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 15, 2024 18:58:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2019 4:19:59 GMT
For those of you hurt by your families, I am so very sorry.
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Sept 8, 2019 4:37:56 GMT
I'm really sorry Delilah. Being treated in such an obviously callous way must be awful and my heart goes out to you. I don't necessarily feel invisible but over the last year I have definitely felt unheard. My husband of 33 years decided last May that our marriage was over and I didn't get any say in it. It has been a very very frustrating 15 months. It's like my opinion of our marriage means nothing. Emelle I am sorry this is happening to you. Please take care of yourself. We are here for you. Marcy
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Post by snugglebutter on Sept 8, 2019 5:26:33 GMT
I've had my own issues with this with my father. For the most part I just don't have expectations anymore in order to avoid the disappointment and emotional pain. It still comes up from time to time, when we find out we were left out of family gatherings etc.... The crazy thing is that two of my siblings have cut off contact and most of the time it feels like he wouldn't care if I did the same.
In comparison my mother (they are divorced) is unhealthy in the opposite direction. Lots of enmeshment in her family background and I'm her only so it's alllll on me. I've come a long way setting boundaries etc but it's still very difficult. The contrast between my parents is exhausting at time.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Sept 9, 2019 5:57:02 GMT
Gosh so many peas hurting it makes my heart ache, know that you are all worthy of so much more!!
Yes I feel invisible, I have my whole life.
I went away with 4 friends scrapbooking. I worried about being the 5th wheel and that's how I felt at times. We drove separately since we came from different cities. When they left in the morning from the hotel to go to the place we were scrapbooking they would just go not even a text to see if I was ready/up or wanting to car pool. Of course I texted that first morning to see what everyone was up to when I was getting ready and they were already there. The day we checked out same thing. Saw them pulling out as I was starting to take some stuff to my car before I checked out.
When we had finished scrapbooking for the night and were about to leave they said something about going down for a drink after getting back to the hotel. We went to our rooms to freshen up and i was just about to text them to see if they were ready to head down when I get a text saying they are in the bar.
I tried to not let it bother me but by the last day i was feeling pretty shitty about it all and I'm pretty sure they were feeling pissy about my mood. I'm a very sensitive person and have extremely low self esteem/no confidence always have due to a screwed up childhood with little to no love and I try not to be sensitive but gosh I got teary eyed by their actions. I always try to put myself in the the same situation and I couldn't imagine just leaving without seeing what my friend was up to.
My family isn't much better. When my oldest and his fiancee and my GD came for a week stay in June I took the 3 of them on a day trip to a museum as my husband was working. I took a lot of great photos of them on my phone and theirs for them and there were lots of all of us together that others took for us or selfies.
The next morning while waiting to use the shower before taking our whole family to the zoo I saw on FB they had posted the photos I took of them and they had tagged each other but not me and not one photo included me.
I was literally crushed and to add more salt to the wound when they posted photos from zoo not one photo included me but all the other family was included.
I couldn't imagine doing something so hurtful or ignorant to my family.
I hate feeling so invisible. I think what hurts too is that all these people have no problem asking me to do things for them when I am handy. It makes me feel so used.
Just once I'd love to not be an afterthought.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Sept 9, 2019 18:10:52 GMT
Yes, all my life unfortunately. I don’t mind out “in the world,” but I’m beyond over it with family.
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