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Post by holly on Sept 28, 2019 0:20:24 GMT
My DD started at college about a month ago. She rushed as well so she’s been there since the week of Aug 10th, a week before classes started. She has been home a couple times since then. We are 1 1/2 hrs away. Her roommate is a friend but not her BFF. She’s carrying 16credits but doesn’t feel like it’s too much as a couple classes she feels like it has been review for her. So that’s a little backstory.
Today she texted me that she’s struggling with not having any personal space. Her roommate is always there when she is there. She feels like she just can’t get away. And by get away, she wants to be in “her” space, not just be alone necessarily. She tried to come back and have a nap after class today and her roommate came in and made all kinds of noise and acted like she wasn’t even sleeping. This isn’t the first time she has had issues with noises and such. Apparently she listens to things on her laptop without headphones as well. The last few days my DD has been telling me about some of these annoying habits and also she believes that roommate is a little obsessed with her for some reason. She wants to do things for DD all the time (little, weird things like putting her soy sauce on her rice). DD suffers from insomnia and also anxiety. She can’t sleep with all the noises and she is feeling a little out of control today. She told me today she wanted to drop out because she can’t habdle it anymore. I had encouraged her to talk to her roommate more as a rule thing vs annoying habit thing. Roommate is sick as well and she keeps sucking her snot instead of blowing her nose which is also annoying DD.
I can’t afford to get her into a single dorm. We are already paying $1700 a month room/board. Any suggestions from those that have lived with others in a dorm situation? I didn’t go away to college so I don’t have that experience. I don’t know how much is really her anxiety, being overwhelmed, or just being annoyed and or homesick.
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 28, 2019 0:24:11 GMT
Living with another is often difficult I'd suggest a sleep mask and some sort of white noise
Could she go to a hotel once a month?
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by peaname on Sept 28, 2019 0:25:58 GMT
I feel for her and I’m sure it’s hard for you to hear it but at this age all we can do for our kids is listen to them. We can’t solve their problems. I’d suggest ear plugs, have a firm talk with roommate, study in the library, maybe even hang up a curtain. If she can easily come home on the weekends encourage her to do that to get a break every week.
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Belle on Sept 28, 2019 0:26:21 GMT
I feel for your DD. I like my space too. Maybe she could move in with another student that isn’t always around? Somebody with a full load of classes and a job or student athlete?
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Post by busy on Sept 28, 2019 0:30:09 GMT
She needs to figure it out and by no means should you consider a single or something because she is annoyed by noise.
I went away to school and lived in the dorms the whole time. I did not love my freshman roommate. I figured out how to deal with her. Your daughter is old enough to, as well.
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Post by walkerdill on Sept 28, 2019 0:30:43 GMT
Headphones & sleep mask. My dd had so many issues with roommates last year. She was in a quad & I thought she was going to go nuts. She spent alot of time out of the room & learned to sleep with noise & lights on and such. It was a tough semester. She did move rooms for the second semester to just a double & it was better.
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Post by ntsf on Sept 28, 2019 0:34:24 GMT
talk to the RA.. talk to the housing people. headphones, masks, white noise. find a place in the library to hide. or somewhere else.
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Deleted
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May 4, 2024 3:44:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2019 0:35:01 GMT
My DD started at college about a month ago. She rushed as well so she’s been there since the week of Aug 10th, a week before classes started. She has been home a couple times since then. We are 1 1/2 hrs away. Her roommate is a friend but not her BFF. She’s carrying 16credits but doesn’t feel like it’s too much as a couple classes she feels like it has been review for her. So that’s a little backstory. Today she texted me that she’s struggling with not having any personal space. Her roommate is always there when she is there. She feels like she just can’t get away. And by get away, she wants to be in “her” space, not just be alone necessarily. She tried to come back and have a nap after class today and her roommate came in and made all kinds of noise and acted like she wasn’t even sleeping. This isn’t the first time she has had issues with noises and such. Apparently she listens to things on her laptop without headphones as well. The last few days my DD has been telling me about some of these annoying habits and also she believes that roommate is a little obsessed with her for some reason. She wants to do things for DD all the time (little, weird things like putting her soy sauce on her rice). DD suffers from insomnia and also anxiety. She can’t sleep with all the noises and she is feeling a little out of control today. She told me today she wanted to drop out because she can’t habdle it anymore. I had encouraged her to talk to her roommate more as a rule thing vs annoying habit thing. Roommate is sick as well and she keeps sucking her snot instead of blowing her nose which is also annoying DD. I can’t afford to get her into a single dorm. We are already paying $1700 a month room/board. Any suggestions from those that have lived with others in a dorm situation? I didn’t go away to college so I don’t have that experience. I don’t know how much is really her anxiety, being overwhelmed, or just being annoyed and or homesick. Learning to share space is one of the harder college lessons for most American students since they didn't even share a bedroom with a sibling growing up. I suggest a few things 1) talk of dropping out this semester if a no-go. Insist she finish out the semester. In November/December the two of you can talk about it again for the spring semester. 2) see if her dorm has a roommate swap policy that would allow her to room with someone else that has a noisy room mate. 3) a sleep mask and noise canceling earphone or earbuds into a white noise machine. My an Alexa or similar device has some great sleep sounds that would cancel out a lot of noisy roommate sounds. Finally, she has to speak up to her room mate about being quiet when dd is asleep. It is called respecting each other. Her RA should be able to help with the conversation if your dd can't do it alone. Also she needs to learn to say a firm "no" to help she did not want or ask for. |
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 28, 2019 0:44:06 GMT
talk to the RA.. talk to the housing people. headphones, masks, white noise. find a place in the library to hide. or somewhere else. Exactly what I was going to suggest. They need the RA to help them out. She can find some space and I'm sure they can figure something out. |
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Post by mom on Sept 28, 2019 0:44:18 GMT
I agree with the others - ear plugs (or headphones) and a sleep mask. You can find sleep masks at TJMaxx for less than $10. Even as an adult I have to use a sleep mask and earplugs because of my husband. You just have to learn to deal.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 28, 2019 0:44:55 GMT
Also, if your dd is really struggling with anxiety, have her seek out the school counseling center. They are well equipped to deal with roommate issues, privacy issues and space issues.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 28, 2019 0:46:12 GMT
And I'm just thinking of suggestions for her: she needs to set boundaries with her roommate (and the RA can help with this), such as "if I'm wearing my sleep mask, it means don't disturb me and please try to be quiet."
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Post by mom on Sept 28, 2019 0:50:22 GMT
And I'm just thinking of suggestions for her: she needs to set boundaries with her roommate (and the RA can help with this), such as "if I'm wearing my sleep mask, it means don't disturb me and please try to be quiet." This is a good idea - even if she has to have a sticky note on the door reminding her roommate to be quiet before barging in. |
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Sept 28, 2019 0:51:14 GMT
Keep in mind that suggestions like white noise might be annoying for the roommate. Ugh, I hate white noise. My DBF has a fan at night, and it drives me nuts, but he loves it, so I deal...(apparently I snore, so it’s my compromise lol)
It sounds like both are experiencing adjusting to living together. It will take time. I think they need to sit down together and have a heart to heart conversation about how it’s going living together. Unfortunately they won’t get much “alone” time living together in a small space.
I would suggest some ear plugs and a sleep mask for napping, along with some sort of curtain around the bed if that could be possible.
Alone time might have to be in study rooms or the library.
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Post by monklady123 on Sept 28, 2019 1:09:44 GMT
In addition to all the good suggestions above, tell her that she can stick it out until she can move off campus to an apartment where she'll have her own room. My dd moved out her junior year, four girls in a four-bedroom apartment. She said she'd died and gone to heaven. lol. And she liked her freshman and sophomore roommate.
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Post by holly on Sept 28, 2019 1:37:10 GMT
Thanks everyone. I am not letting her drop out, that’s not an option at this point. Ik this is a really hard time in the Freshman year. I’ve been wanting to tell her to suck it up but I have to tread lightly some times. We have one of this tricky mom/daughter relationships. It’s a fine line, lol. Also idk how much is really her anxiety kicking in or other stuff affecting it.
She will not involve her RA, I already know. Her RA has been pretty hands off and DD hasn’t exactly hit it off with her (RA was even snippy with DH on move in day).
I’m going to keep encouraging her to talk to her roommate and having her set boundaries for both of them as I’m sure my DD has some annoying habits as well. She has ear plugs but not a face mask, I will ask her if she’d like one and maybe see if she’d prefer noise canceling headphones. She could possibly put a sheet up between them but I think she will think that may hurt roommate’s feelings.
I just FaceTimed her a few minutes ago and she was at the library, studying with another friend, so that’s good. Get some studying, quiet time in away from your roommate before the Friday night frat party. She is getting off campus this weekend with her sorority so that will be good. Then next weekend she is coming home for a sorority event so she’ll spend the night at home. Her roommate has been looking for a job as well so hopefully something will pan out with that so she won’t be in the dorm so much.
Thanks for all the suggestions I appreciate it. My initial thought was it was just part of going to college and you have to learn to deal with it. She knew going in what the deal was🤷♀️. Like I tell my DS, it’s only 9 months, you can do it.
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Post by mom2samlibby on Sept 28, 2019 3:59:43 GMT
She could look into switching rooms, if she's found someone else that she has connected with. That was how I ended up with the roommate I lived with for 2 years. Her roommate was awful to her and she needed to get out. I had been rooming with a girl that was going to student teach. She had 6 weeks of classes and then she was off to her teaching assignment. I thought I was going to get my own room, but my future roommate needed a new place. If I remember correctly, her roommate was stealing from her. It worked out well for us. We remained friends for quite a while after college and were in each other's weddings.
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Post by smokeynspike on Sept 28, 2019 6:32:34 GMT
I didn't last a whole year in the dorms and moved out early. I just hated the small space and all of the noise. Living there wasn't super social either. Getting an apartment was the best thing for me. And way cheaper.
I don't know what can be done for your daughter, but I wouldn't force her to keep living there if at all possible.
Melissa
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 28, 2019 8:21:49 GMT
My DD started at college about a month ago. She rushed as well so she’s been there since the week of Aug 10th, a week before classes started. She has been home a couple times since then. We are 1 1/2 hrs away. Her roommate is a friend but not her BFF. She’s carrying 16credits but doesn’t feel like it’s too much as a couple classes she feels like it has been review for her. So that’s a little backstory. Today she texted me that she’s struggling with not having any personal space. Her roommate is always there when she is there. She feels like she just can’t get away. And by get away, she wants to be in “her” space, not just be alone necessarily. She tried to come back and have a nap after class today and her roommate came in and made all kinds of noise and acted like she wasn’t even sleeping. This isn’t the first time she has had issues with noises and such. Apparently she listens to things on her laptop without headphones as well. The last few days my DD has been telling me about some of these annoying habits and also she believes that roommate is a little obsessed with her for some reason. She wants to do things for DD all the time (little, weird things like putting her soy sauce on her rice). DD suffers from insomnia and also anxiety. She can’t sleep with all the noises and she is feeling a little out of control today. She told me today she wanted to drop out because she can’t habdle it anymore. I had encouraged her to talk to her roommate more as a rule thing vs annoying habit thing. Roommate is sick as well and she keeps sucking her snot instead of blowing her nose which is also annoying DD. I can’t afford to get her into a single dorm. We are already paying $1700 a month room/board. Any suggestions from those that have lived with others in a dorm situation? I didn’t go away to college so I don’t have that experience. I don’t know how much is really her anxiety, being overwhelmed, or just being annoyed and or homesick. Learning to share space is one of the harder college lessons for most American students since they didn't even share a bedroom with a sibling growing up. I suggest a few things 1) talk of dropping out this semester if a no-go. Insist she finish out the semester. In November/December the two of you can talk about it again for the spring semester. 2) see if her dorm has a roommate swap policy that would allow her to room with someone else that has a noisy room mate. 3) a sleep mask and noise canceling earphone or earbuds into a white noise machine. My an Alexa or similar device has some great sleep sounds that would cancel out a lot of noisy roommate sounds. Finally, she has to speak up to her room mate about being quiet when dd is asleep. It is called respecting each other. Her RA should be able to help with the conversation if your dd can't do it alone. Also she needs to learn to say a firm "no" to help she did not want or ask for. This x 100. These were exactly the problems DD had her freshman year. She hadn’t shared a room since she was 4 and couldn’t sleep with light or any noise. We told her that was being the annoying roommate! If she won’t talk to her RA, there should be other RAs around. They are trained to help your dd deal with this very issue. And colleges these days usually have some sort of mental health professionals who your DD can talk to. That person can help her with some coping skills and to know reasonable and unreasonable requests/boundaries. I agree with cordless earbuds and music/white noise. And your DD needs to talk to the roommate about waking her up, finding a compromise so that the roommate doesn’t have to tiptoe around in her own room. DD took a lot of walks and found quiet nooks around campus. She did end up in a single her freshman year, which she loved. She’s a junior now, studying abroad and sharing a cottage with 3 other girls. She has her own room and in exchange, she offered to do 3 nights of cooking each week. She’s very happy with that arrangement. |
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
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Post by peaname on Sept 28, 2019 10:13:29 GMT
Freshman year is the worst because it’s all new and you’re stuck with a lottery roommate. By second semester or sophomore year you can room with someone you know better.
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Post by Patter on Sept 28, 2019 10:40:23 GMT
talk to the RA.. talk to the housing people. headphones, masks, white noise. find a place in the library to hide. or somewhere else. This! I highly recommend she talk to the RA and her roommate (roommate first). I also suggest that she get a pair of Bose sleepbuds. They are expensive but amazing. My daughter and husband use them because they have to have their sleep. They have different types of white noise that blocks the sounds you are trying to ignore. They don't go down into your ears either. My girls have very sensitive ears and can't wear earplugs put can wear these. I pray she doesn't quit. She will regret it later. Help her problem solve, and let her advocate for herself. That first year is SO hard especially when you have health issues. I have been there and done that with my girls. Hugs to you! m.youtube.com/watch?v=OAJaEsPmGTw |
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Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Sept 28, 2019 15:14:26 GMT
I didn't live in the dorms, but when I wanted to be left alone on campus I'd go hide in the Library. It was seriously the best hiding place ever because it was quiet and only a few people knew I'd be there  Does she have a favorite place on campus besides the Library that she could go to as well? You have gotten some great suggestions, I hope they help her not quit this semester. |
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TankTop
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Sept 28, 2019 15:20:05 GMT
A friend of mine sent her dd a bed tent thing from amazon. Dd put a white noise app on her phone and would go in her little tent space and it made her feel much more secluded.
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Post by Patter on Sept 28, 2019 15:53:19 GMT
A friend of mine sent her dd a bed tent thing from amazon. Dd put a white noise app on her phone and would go in her little tent space and it made her feel much more secluded. Oh yes, I have seen those! They are awesome! Such a great idea.  |
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Post by Patter on Sept 28, 2019 15:55:13 GMT
I didn't live in the dorms, but when I wanted to be left alone on campus I'd go hide in the Library. It was seriously the best hiding place ever because it was quiet and only a few people knew I'd be there Does she have a favorite place on campus besides the Library that she could go to as well? You have gotten some great suggestions, I hope they help her not quit this semester. My husband did that in college too for all 4 years as he was in the dorm the entire time and in engineering school. He lived in the library. My daughter does that now too in medical school. The 4th floor is super quiet, and her wonderful studying place. Also, does the school have any Eno spots? They had this at my girls university, and that's a great way to escape and a wonderful place for a nap. Even if she just finds two trees somewhere to put it up! |
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Post by cindytred on Sept 28, 2019 16:00:03 GMT
Both of my daughter's had bad freshman years because they shared a room with a complete stranger - much less a sort of friend. For both of them I had to make sure they had an apartment with their own room for their last 3 years of school. They survived freshman year and I sort of think of it as a right of passage.
Actually the off campus apartment that they share with roommates was cheaper then the dorm on campus.
Cindy
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Post by hop2 on Sept 28, 2019 16:19:38 GMT
Noise canceling headphones, eye mask and a little suck it up buttercup will help.
Your DD is just going to have to learn to deal with life and all it’s little annoyances. She can vent safely to you.
And I say this as the mother of a child with Misophonia, who had to learn to deal with life as it is rarely ever quiet.
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Post by gizzy on Sept 28, 2019 16:21:34 GMT
My DD says to get a canopy that you hang from the ceiling and noise canceling headphones. The canopy acts as a barrier between her and the roommate. She can't see you and you can't see her.
Edit: I see these suggestions has already been said. Great minds think alike.
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Deleted
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May 4, 2024 3:44:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2019 16:53:02 GMT
Get the bed tent.
My roommate did this shit...she was trying to get me to move out. The dorm had the policy that unless you got another person to take your spot you had to keep paying the room fee. I wasn’t moving since I didn’t have any extra money. She ended up moving and I got a private room courtesy of her parents.
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Post by Merge on Sept 28, 2019 18:06:23 GMT
Knowing that DD would struggle a great deal with never having privacy - she is both anxious and an introvert - we chose to put her in an on-campus apartment. She shares the apartment with another girl but has her own room. I have to say I’m shocked at what you’re paying for the dorm, though - unless I’m misunderstanding you, it’s quite a bit more than we pay monthly for her apartment.
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