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Post by PEAcan pie on Nov 9, 2019 17:21:33 GMT
I’m sorry what? He punched you in the face with a hamburger in his fist? Or he threw a hamburger at you which hit you in the face? I was eating my dinner looking at my plate and WHAM. HE TOOK HIS WHOLE HAMBURGER AND SMASHED IT IN MY FACE... YELLED " IVE HAD ENOUGH" AND TOOK OFF RUNNING . ... I JUST SAT THERE STUNNED. After I wiped it off and picked up the burger remains and put them on the plate, I remember that she actually picked up the burger mess and was going to take it home to him! I was in such shock.. I couldn't really function. OH my. That kills me she would take the burger home to him! Are you sure he is not abusing her??? I would not have anything to do with him either, sounds like there has been tension in your relationship with him from the getgo. He reminds me of my friends husband personality, although he would never smash a hamburger in my face.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 9, 2019 17:21:47 GMT
What makes you think she's mad at you now...after all this time...because you won't let him apologise? I have to wonder if they are really still thinking about it at all. she has had several parties and I love her family but will not attend. Shes mad because I won't let him apologize.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 9, 2019 17:25:55 GMT
I honestly didn't think what I said was bad. I didn't realize I was poking the bear. Poking the bear is insulting someones wife or family. Poking the bear is teasing and berating someone. I never saw any inclination of violence on his part. I did not know he was a bear. and so..... YOU ARE SAYING ITS MY FAULT? YES, it was your fault. You started a conversation that you KNEW would push his buttons. Why not keep the dinner friendly, especially after a few beers. You knew your audience, your friend told you what was a "sensitive issue", and YET, you started talking about something that you should have known, would provoke her husband. pro·voke
/prəˈvōk/
Learn to pronounce
verb
stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion, typically a strong or unwelcome one) in someoneHis actions are his to own, but you are responsible for starting the conversation on a subject that was sensitive. it was honestly a lighthearted thing. I didn't think it was bad. I didn't insult his mother. I could see getting punch if you insulted someone the person cared deeply about. That kind of stuff happens. Is saying the NRA cant afford cofeee PUNCH WORTHY?
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Nov 9, 2019 17:27:45 GMT
It sounds like you’re mad because she’s obviously condoning his behavior. You need professional help to let go of this friendship because it is obviously a toxic friendship. But that doesn’t obligate him to pay for it.
There’s a lot going on here and you’re expelling an awful lot of emotion over it. It’s not healthy. My husband tried to kill me, I didn’t spend this amount of time dealing with that. I went to a domestic battery advocate who told me “you’re for an apology from someone who doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong”.
The opposite is true here. This guy wants to apologize and you want to stay angry. Yes, seek professional help.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 23:17:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2019 17:28:11 GMT
I think much of your suffering stems from your disappointment in yourself for not handling things in the way you knew was proper. He did a very bad thing, and you treated it as if it wasn't. It's not resolved in your head, not because of what he did, but because of what you DIDN'T do. Professional help might assist you in sorting out your fears that far predate this incident.
What happened to the boyfriend? I can't imagine you didn't have to restrain him from chasing down that asshole.
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Post by myshelly on Nov 9, 2019 17:28:50 GMT
YES, it was your fault. You started a conversation that you KNEW would push his buttons. Why not keep the dinner friendly, especially after a few beers. You knew your audience, your friend told you what was a "sensitive issue", and YET, you started talking about something that you should have known, would provoke her husband. pro·voke
/prəˈvōk/
Learn to pronounce
verb
stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion, typically a strong or unwelcome one) in someoneHis actions are his to own, but you are responsible for starting the conversation on a subject that was sensitive. it was honestly a lighthearted thing. I didn't think it was bad. I didn't insult his mother. I could see getting punch if you insulted someone the person cared deeply about. That kind of stuff happens. Is saying the NRA cant afford cofeee PUNCH WORTHY? Did he punch you or did he shove the burger in your face? I feel like a huge part of your inability to let it go is your over dramatization of events.
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Post by gar on Nov 9, 2019 17:30:10 GMT
What makes you think she's mad at you now...after all this time...because you won't let him apologise? I have to wonder if they are really still thinking about it at all. she has had several parties and I love her family but will not attend. Shes mad because I won't let him apologize. Has she said that?
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,500
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on Nov 9, 2019 17:33:14 GMT
He’s lucky noone in the restaurant called the police - I would have if I had witnessed that . It makes you wonder what she is living with if he will do that in public!
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Nov 9, 2019 17:34:48 GMT
He was 100% in the wrong.
However it’s been a year and you think about it daily? You need to let it go. Don’t let him continue to antagonize you by holding on to this. Seek therapy. You don’t have to let him apologize to you.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 9, 2019 17:35:27 GMT
I was eating my dinner looking at my plate and WHAM. HE TOOK HIS WHOLE HAMBURGER AND SMASHED IT IN MY FACE... YELLED " IVE HAD ENOUGH" AND TOOK OFF RUNNING . ... I JUST SAT THERE STUNNED. After I wiped it off and picked up the burger remains and put them on the plate, I remember that she actually picked up the burger mess and was going to take it home to him! I was in such shock.. I couldn't really function. So, he didn't hit you. Were you all drunk? I don't understand why you didn't handle this at the time. Like, seriously. The entire relationship should have been OVER right at that minute. That you chose to continue being friends has diluted your position. And that you're still obsessing over it a year later is kind of weird, frankly. There's more to this story . . . I was not drunk. I had one cider beer with dinner and one half a beer before dinner. . . I didn't want to lose my best friend because of what her husband did. We both chose to continue being friends and work it so I wouldn't have to see him. It obviously pains her too and I understand he is her husband. She and I went to college together. We shared a lot in 40 years. Maybe thats what he didn't like....and the NRA comment was the final straw. I also think its weird that I cant put it behind me. I dont know how.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Nov 9, 2019 17:38:04 GMT
And we thought today was going to be boring around here.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 9, 2019 17:40:04 GMT
she has had several parties and I love her family but will not attend. Shes mad because I won't let him apologize. Has she said that? no, but last week she had a significant party and I did not attend. She hasn't talked to me since. She said something a few days before the party that still rings in my mind ... "you won't even let him apologize" ... I know shes mad. shes not talking to me. We always go to dinner once or twice a week and shop together. She has gone radio silent since the last party.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Nov 9, 2019 17:40:51 GMT
So is it 30 years or 40 years? And if you didn’t want to lose your friend, why are you refusing to go to her parties or let her husband apologize? What is it you want from this? He wants to apologize. You won’t let him. Obviously you’re not as invested in your friend as you think because it sounds like you won’t be happy until she’s left him and you’re getting therapy paid for by him.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,744
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Nov 9, 2019 17:40:57 GMT
to answer your question, before reading whole thread (gasp!)...
in this situation, no. But it wouldn't be okay to hit anyone in this situation.
That's how I feel about most hitting though. It should be last resort, in self defense etc to hit anyone. And then without excessive force. And I especially hate the larger/more powerful being the unnecessary aggressor. That's probably were the "never hit a woman" thing came in. Just like in verbal or any attacks, "punching down" makes you seem more like a bully.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,743
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Nov 9, 2019 17:41:40 GMT
OK, so your title implies that the man hit you, but he didn't. He pushed food into your face then stormed off, which is infantile and aggressive, but is not hitting. He wants/wanted to apologise and you're not letting him, and you're still very bothered by it all after a year. You're scared of running into him around town because of YOUR anger towards him, not fear for your safety as your original post implied. You're obviously not concerned for your friend's safety either, otherwise you would have pressed charges at the time to protect her.
I think that yes you need help, but why not start by calling up your friend and allowing him to make that apology? There may be something that can explain why he flew off the handle that day, that might lessen your anger towards him. Public humiliation runs deep. Help yourself by letting them talk to you.
Just my twopennyworth.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,930
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Nov 9, 2019 17:42:21 GMT
First off, ignore anyone trying to make this about provoking him. Seriously? Since when do we get to assault someone because they say something we don’t like politically? Shoving food in the face is assault.
I think you are someone with perservation tendencies. Someone posted about it a week or so ago on this board. People who don’t do this, don’t understand it, so it isn’t that they can’t give good advice, they just can’t empathize with you because they don’t have that tendency. It is foreign thinking to them. That said, it sounds like you might need some cognitive therapy and/or meds to help with this. You absolutely do not need to forgive him or deal with him, but you do need to learn how to let some of this go.
I perservate about all kinds of crap, and could probably benefit from some therapy or meds, but it isn’t controlling my life currently. I don’t think you’re u can seek damages at this time, and I’m thinking that although you are going in for this situation, your life will benefit from the therapy outside of this issue.
Im sorry you are dealing with this bullshit. He’s an ass.
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Post by gar on Nov 9, 2019 17:42:39 GMT
no, but last week she had a significant party and I did not attend. She hasn't talked to me since. She said something a few days before the party that still rings in my mind ... "you won't even let him apologize" ... I know shes mad. shes not talking to me. We always go to dinner once or twice a week and shop together. She has gone radio silent since the last party. Did she expect you to go to the party knowing he'd be there? Wasn't it spoken about between you? It's a weird kind of limbo between you and her that keeps it fresh in your mind all the time!
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Post by Pahina722 on Nov 9, 2019 17:43:10 GMT
I think you are suffering from PTSD, and you need s9me counseling to get past it. If you’ve never been subject to violence before, having it come at you like this, totally unexpectedly from someone you thought you could trust, would be enough to cause lasting harm. Get counseling.
To your original question, I read your post to DH who was shocked. He said that if he had been the boyfriend in this situation, the guy would be nursing a black eye so that he could understand what he’d just done. He does think you should let the guy apologize, even though it probably isn’t sincere, it that doesn’t mean you have to start seeing him again. From my perspective, I wouldn’t talk to either of them again. The husband hit you, but the wife is apparently okay with it.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Nov 9, 2019 17:43:49 GMT
to answer your question, before reading whole thread (gasp!)... Pour yourself a soda, read and enjoy.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Nov 9, 2019 17:44:26 GMT
no, but last week she had a significant party and I did not attend. She hasn't talked to me since. She said something a few days before the party that still rings in my mind ... "you won't even let him apologize" ... I know shes mad. shes not talking to me. We always go to dinner once or twice a week and shop together. She has gone radio silent since the last party. You’re really contradicting yourself which is kind of funny. So is she mad because you missed a party last week or the last 52 weeks of dinner and shopping at least once or twice a week, equating to 100 times of not spending time with her? What part of this story isn’t an exaggeration?
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,930
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Nov 9, 2019 17:48:43 GMT
I think you are suffering from PTSD, and you need s9me counseling to get past it. If you’ve never been subject to violence before, having it come at you like this, totally unexpectedly from someone you thought you could trust, would be enough to cause lasting harm. Get counseling. To your original question, I read your post to DH who was shocked. He said that if he had been the boyfriend in this situation, the guy would be nursing a black eye so that he could understand what he’d just done. He does think you should let the guy apologize, even though it probably isn’t sincere, it that doesn’t mean you have to start seeing him again. From my perspective, I wouldn’t talk to either of them again. The husband hit you, but the wife is apparently okay with it. I also agree with this...especially if you haven’t been someone who normally perservates (replays and rethinks things and worries about things over and over from life from long ago or that might possibly happen, someday..) about things. It might be ptsd, and others don’t get to decide whether this incident is worthy of that.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 9, 2019 17:49:57 GMT
You want to keep your friend and cut her DH out of your life.
She wants to keep your friendship and stay with her DH.
You both can't have what you want. It sounds like she has given you a year to come around and is choosing her DH over you at this point.
IMHO, you should have pressed charges at the time of the incident.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 9, 2019 17:52:40 GMT
So is it 30 years or 40 years? And if you didn’t want to lose your friend, why are you refusing to go to her parties or let her husband apologize? What is it you want from this? He wants to apologize. You won’t let him. Obviously you’re not as invested in your friend as you think because it sounds like you won’t be happy until she’s left him and you’re getting therapy paid for by him. I am not going to her parties because I cannot stand to look at him . What kind of person gets hit by someone and then goes to a party at their house. Thats not gonna happen. I will never trust him again for fear I might say something wrong... I won't accept an apology because its never ok to hit someone. Accepting an apology is saying its ok that you hit me.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Nov 9, 2019 17:54:14 GMT
So is it 30 years or 40 years? And if you didn’t want to lose your friend, why are you refusing to go to her parties or let her husband apologize? What is it you want from this? He wants to apologize. You won’t let him. Obviously you’re not as invested in your friend as you think because it sounds like you won’t be happy until she’s left him and you’re getting therapy paid for by him. I am not going to her parties because I cannot stand to look at him . What kind of person gets hit by someone and then goes to a party at their house. Thats not gonna happen. I will never trust him again for fear I might say something wrong... I won't accept an apology because its never ok to hit someone. Accepting an apology is saying its ok that you hit me. No, that’s not what accepting the apology means. Accepting the apology means you both agree he did something wrong but you both still want to be in each others life.
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Post by tripletmom on Nov 9, 2019 17:56:38 GMT
Wow! Ok, first of all, no matter what you say to another person, they do not have the right to assault you. If you were antagonizing him or not. It’s never ok. I do think you need to seek counseling and if you can’t afford it, it’s ok to go after the person who assaulted you for it. He shouldn’t be let off of the hook for the assault. It’s probably time to end the friendship with the wife too. Your counselor will help you with deciding to do that. People telling you to just get over it are just unreal. This has obviously caused you mental harm if not PTSD.
Check with your doctors office to see if they have free counseling on site. I recently switched doctors (June) and started seeing their social worker a few weeks ago. I see her once a week and she’s free. It’s a complimentary service provided by the doctors of the office. I couldn’t afford counseling either after my daughter died. Almost three years later and I’m finally getting some help.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 9, 2019 17:57:32 GMT
no, but last week she had a significant party and I did not attend. She hasn't talked to me since. She said something a few days before the party that still rings in my mind ... "you won't even let him apologize" ... I know shes mad. shes not talking to me. We always go to dinner once or twice a week and shop together. She has gone radio silent since the last party. You’re really contradicting yourself which is kind of funny. So is she mad because you missed a party last week or the last 52 weeks of dinner and shopping at least once or twice a week, equating to 100 times of not spending time with her? What part of this story isn’t an exaggeration? no I think you have it wrong. I have still been hanging out with her. WEve still gone to dinner and shopped and everything went on as normal. We dont talk about her DH. It was just this last party that I think put her over the edge. It was a significant event and she invited me and I declined. Im sure she feels I should get over it since its been a year
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 9, 2019 17:59:53 GMT
I am not going to her parties because I cannot stand to look at him . What kind of person gets hit by someone and then goes to a party at their house. Thats not gonna happen. I will never trust him again for fear I might say something wrong... I won't accept an apology because its never ok to hit someone. Accepting an apology is saying its ok that you hit me. No, that’s not what accepting the apology means. Accepting the apology means you both agree he did something wrong but you both still want to be in each others life. thats the thing. I dont ever want to see him again. I dont want him in my life.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 9, 2019 17:59:55 GMT
So is it 30 years or 40 years? And if you didn’t want to lose your friend, why are you refusing to go to her parties or let her husband apologize? What is it you want from this? He wants to apologize. You won’t let him. Obviously you’re not as invested in your friend as you think because it sounds like you won’t be happy until she’s left him and you’re getting therapy paid for by him. I am not going to her parties because I cannot stand to look at him . What kind of person gets hit by someone and then goes to a party at their house. Thats not gonna happen. I will never trust him again for fear I might say something wrong... I won't accept an apology because its never ok to hit someone. Accepting an apology is saying its ok that you hit me.
I think you can accept an apology without forgiving or forgetting what happened. I do understand why you don't want to see him and really think you need to talk to a therapist to work through how to move forward.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,538
Nov 14, 2016 23:47:03 GMT
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Post by pinklady on Nov 9, 2019 18:00:06 GMT
I predict all the green posts in this thread will disappear before sundown.
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Post by auntkelly on Nov 9, 2019 18:00:09 GMT
It seems like you reject any advice you are given out of pocket and that you don't want to look at what happened from any perspective but your own. I don't think you are going to move past this incident until you are willing to listen to the advice of others and keep an open mind about what they are saying.
I do think this incident is a big deal. I would never want to talk to that ass again, and I think I'd end my friendship w/ his wife, but I don't think I'd be obsessed w/ the incident.
You mentioned that the husband thought he was smarter than you. My guess is he thinks he is smarter than everyone else in the world. He will never ever acknowledge that you are as smart as he is. If that is what you are waiting for, it is not going to happen. You will be waiting for the rest of your life. Those types do not change. You might ask yourself why it is so important to you that he doesn't think you are as smart as him.
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