inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Nov 13, 2019 0:55:16 GMT
I can't believe the turns this thread has taken. Some of you are really trying to challenge the fact that OP was assaulted because of the hamburger bun. spitfiregirl, you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you were attacked then and here in this thread. I hope you can find a way to work through the issues his assault caused.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 13, 2019 3:21:51 GMT
You’ve repeatedly blamed her for “provoking” him. So no we don’t agree. Not once did I blame her for provoking him, much less "repeatedly". As a matter of fact I specifically said "1. It is not her fault that the man smashed his hamburger in her face. Not one iota of blame goes to her for that." Ummm, yes you absolutely did with your #2 statement.
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katybee
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jun 25, 2014 23:25:39 GMT
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Post by katybee on Nov 13, 2019 11:12:59 GMT
I don't ever remember being so deeply disappointed in so many peas. Yep... Sad to say this is the thread that will help form my opinions about certain peas. You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she treats other women...
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 13, 2019 12:12:06 GMT
spitfiregirl, you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you were attacked then and here in this thread. I hope you can find a way to work through the issues his assault caused. I hope this thread inspires spitfiregirl to overcome it all. She's been affected by the original assault too long and now some posters on this thread have insulted and hurt her in unconscionable ways. Hopefully she uses all this energy and ire to decide once and for all to take her life back. I hope the counseling allows you to get this all sorted in your head, spitfiregirl, and get back to a place of peace in your life.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Nov 13, 2019 12:50:58 GMT
Just read through several pages of this thread and wanted to add a few bits of my own to the conversation (not that it needs any more opinions): 1. I'm surprised to read people questioning why you brought up politics since you'd been warned not to. Look, nobody is responsible for other people's reactions and actions. You can provoke someone into reacting a certain way by "pushing their buttons" if you're the manipulating kind but that's absolutely not the case here. At all. It's ridiculous to ask the OP what she was expecting from daring to say anything about Trump when she'd been told not to. That's a major mental load to carry and too many hot coals to tap dance on. If someone thinks their spouse might explode when the freakin' president of their country is brought up in a negative manner, that person should reconsider socialising with their spouse. They can't just unload that burden on their entire entourage. If they're bothered by their spouse's volatile reactions when the leader of the country is brought up in discussion, they need to reevaluate their relationship or make some tough choices when it comes to meeting other people, including old friends. Questioning the OP for bringing up Trump as she mentions being asaulted is shitty, too. 2. Regarding the OP's original question: nope. Not ok. Ever. No matter the gender but this guy gets bonus negative points for being a man in a patriarchal society whose body build is naturally more powerful and physically domineering over women. Especially at over 6 ft high and 200 pounds. I'm all for checking people's bonus negative (or positive) points. Privilege needs pointing out in such cases. 3. I wish you had not backed out of pressing charges, spitfiregirl . Just because this man seems like someone who shouldn't own a gun. His reactions are scary and definitely over the top. I do understand why you did. I hope you'll rethink your stance in the future should anything similar happen for the sake of society rather than trying to preserve your friendship or friend's marriage. I do get it though. 4. You do not need to forgive. I'm eeking and eeping at the responses telling you you won't move on until you forgive. No. That's just plain wrong. You (or anyone else interested in this topic) may want to read Dr. Jeanne Safer's Forgiving and Not Forgiving, a book about the work you need to do to get to a point where you can make a fully informed and peaceful decision whether to forgive or not to forgive. The work's important, the final decision not so much (it'll depend on whether you wish to reestablish some kind of bond with the person seeking forgiveness or not). We need to be understanding and more informed as a society about unforgivers and recognise that healthy therapy can be done with the outcome being unforgiveness.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:05:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2019 13:22:24 GMT
Not once did I blame her for provoking him, much less "repeatedly". As a matter of fact I specifically said "1. It is not her fault that the man smashed his hamburger in her face. Not one iota of blame goes to her for that." Ummm, yes you absolutely did with your #2 statement. And then there's the last line of my post that totally and completely destroys the meaning you're trying to twist my words to fit into. 1. It is not her fault that the man smashed his hamburger in her face. Not one iota of blame goes to her for that. 2. She is responsible for "I knew she told me they couldn't talk about politics together" "My date got up to go to the bathroom. I said something about trump" Those are 2 separate things. You can understand and acknowledge the second without thinking she deserved to be assaulted.
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,003
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Nov 13, 2019 14:56:56 GMT
spitfiregirl, joining in late to the Hamburgergate party....I am so sorry this happened to you. Yes, I do think there is something MORE threatening and scary and violating when a man hits a woman. There definitely is a difference. If a woman tried this shit on me I'd react and I wouldn't hestiate to defend myself, beat her back down for sure. A man? I'd definitely hesitate and feel vulnerable. If my bff's husband did this to me? OMG. I don't even know what to say about that. I am so sorry my darling friend, I'd feel just as upset and violated as you do. I'm sorry your friend has put you in this ridiculous position. She's being an ass for being upset with you about not attending the party...why would she even entertain the thought that you'd want to be around that POS? And of course, no you do not need to accept an apology from him. <hugs> I'm glad you posted here, we got your back girlfriend <hugs>
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 13, 2019 15:10:26 GMT
spitfiregirl , joining in late to the Hamburgergate party....I am so sorry this happened to you. Yes, I do think there is something MORE threatening and scary and violating when a man hits a woman. There definitely is a difference. If a woman tried this shit on me I'd react and I wouldn't hestiate to defend myself, beat her back down for sure. A man? I'd definitely hesitate and feel vulnerable. If my bff's husband did this to me? OMG. I don't even know what to say about that. I am so sorry my darling friend, I'd feel just as upset and violated as you do. I'm sorry your friend has put you in this ridiculous position. She's being an ass for being upset with you about not attending the party...why would she even entertain the thought that you'd want to be around that POS? And of course, no you do not need to accept an apology from him. <hugs> I'm glad you posted here, we got your back girlfriend <hugs> good to hear from you Yvonne. Thanks so much for your support.. Are you still a lover of old roses? I love roses too!
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 13, 2019 15:12:48 GMT
Just read through several pages of this thread and wanted to add a few bits of my own to the conversation (not that it needs any more opinions): 1. I'm surprised to read people questioning why you brought up politics since you'd been warned not to. Look, nobody is responsible for other people's reactions and actions. You can provoke someone into reacting a certain way by "pushing their buttons" if you're the manipulating kind but that's absolutely not the case here. At all. It's ridiculous to ask the OP what she was expecting from daring to say anything about Trump when she'd been told not to. That's a major mental load to carry and too many hot coals to tap dance on. If someone thinks their spouse might explode when the freakin' president of their country is brought up in a negative manner, that person should reconsider socialising with their spouse. They can't just unload that burden on their entire entourage. If they're bothered by their spouse's volatile reactions when the leader of the country is brought up in discussion, they need to reevaluate their relationship or make some tough choices when it comes to meeting other people, including old friends. Questioning the OP for bringing up Trump as she mentions being asaulted is shitty, too. 2. Regarding the OP's original question: nope. Not ok. Ever. No matter the gender but this guy gets bonus negative points for being a man in a patriarchal society whose body build is naturally more powerful and physically domineering over women. Especially at over 6 ft high and 200 pounds. I'm all for checking people's bonus negative (or positive) points. Privilege needs pointing out in such cases. 3. I wish you had not backed out of pressing charges, spitfiregirl . Just because this man seems like someone who shouldn't own a gun. His reactions are scary and definitely over the top. I do understand why you did. I hope you'll rethink your stance in the future should anything similar happen for the sake of society rather than trying to preserve your friendship or friend's marriage. I do get it though. 4. You do not need to forgive. I'm eeking and eeping at the responses telling you you won't move on until you forgive. No. That's just plain wrong. You (or anyone else interested in this topic) may want to read Dr. Jeanne Safer's Forgiving and Not Forgiving, a book about the work you need to do to get to a point where you can make a fully informed and peaceful decision whether to forgive or not to forgive. The work's important, the final decision not so much (it'll depend on whether you wish to reestablish some kind of bond with the person seeking forgiveness or not). We need to be understanding and more informed as a society about unforgivers and recognise that healthy therapy can be done with the outcome being unforgiveness. thank you for the support. Ill check out that book. I bet lots of peas could use a book like that.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Nov 13, 2019 16:17:43 GMT
I don't ever remember being so deeply disappointed in so many peas. Yep... Sad to say this is the thread that will help form my opinions about certain peas. You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she treats other women... Sadly the board has changed and many peas have shown this side more often. You don’t even have to be on the political threads to see this
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Nov 13, 2019 19:00:03 GMT
Ummm, yes you absolutely did with your #2 statement. And then there's the last line of my post that totally and completely destroys the meaning you're trying to twist my words to fit into. 1. It is not her fault that the man smashed his hamburger in her face. Not one iota of blame goes to her for that. 2. She is responsible for "I knew she told me they couldn't talk about politics together" "My date got up to go to the bathroom. I said something about trump" Those are 2 separate things. You can understand and acknowledge the second without thinking she deserved to be assaulted. The OP has taken responsibility for saying those things, in admitting that yes, she said them. What more responsibility do you think she needs to take? Are you saying you think she purposely waited until her date was going to the bathroom to say them? Why point that out?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:05:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2019 7:23:57 GMT
And then there's the last line of my post that totally and completely destroys the meaning you're trying to twist my words to fit into. The OP has taken responsibility for saying those things, in admitting that yes, she said them. What more responsibility do you think she needs to take? Are you saying you think she purposely waited until her date was going to the bathroom to say them? Why point that out? I pointed it to say she is only responsible for her words and actions, she can not be held responsible for anyone else's words or actions.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 14, 2019 11:29:41 GMT
Ummm, yes you absolutely did with your #2 statement. And then there's the last line of my post that totally and completely destroys the meaning you're trying to twist my words to fit into. 1. It is not her fault that the man smashed his hamburger in her face. Not one iota of blame goes to her for that. 2. She is responsible for "I knew she told me they couldn't talk about politics together" "My date got up to go to the bathroom. I said something about trump" Those are 2 separate things. You can understand and acknowledge the second without thinking she deserved to be assaulted. Try again. You absolutely had to get your dig in, implying it was her fault —at least in part. No matter how you try to spin it, every which way STILL comes back to you victim blaming/shaming. I didn’t have to “twist your words” into anything—Several people have pointed that out to you, so why don’t you just take responsibility for your words and acknowledge you were wrong. Your insistence that it is both still is not correct. It is NEVER EVER a “right thing” to say that you knew you couldn’t say XXX thus reap the repercussions—-which is exactly what is meant by saying “she is responsible “. Conversations about politics or what someone does or doesn’t like to talk about should NOT EVER result in violence. What you said in #2 is no better than telling the abused, “you deserved it.” Your further addition by way of explanation a post or three down STILL implies that she deserved whatever repercussions her words resulted in. That is exactly what “take responsibility” means. You could have and should have just left it at #1 . By you going on with #2, you were just being an insensitive (and wrong) asshat. This is what your #1-#2 equates to. Your daughter: “mom, friends hubby punched me in the face with a burger” You: “did you say anything to provoke him” Your daughter: “MOM—HE HIT ME” You: “yes, I understand that, but did you say anything that precipitated him doing that?” Your daughter: “I said trump sucked” You: “ahhh, well dear you know you can’t talk politics with friends hubby, let’s get you some ice”.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Nov 14, 2019 16:28:49 GMT
The OP has taken responsibility for saying those things, in admitting that yes, she said them. What more responsibility do you think she needs to take? Are you saying you think she purposely waited until her date was going to the bathroom to say them? Why point that out? I pointed it to say she is only responsible for her words and actions, she can not be held responsible for anyone else's words or actions. Thank you for clarifying. So we are in agreement that OP is in no way responsible for the sucker punch/hit/assault that took place. I think your post has been misunderstood several times, and I'm not sure if it's because the wording is unclear, or if you need to just explain your position a little more.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:05:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2019 22:20:07 GMT
I pointed it to say she is only responsible for her words and actions, she can not be held responsible for anyone else's words or actions. Thank you for clarifying. So we are in agreement that OP is in no way responsible for the sucker punch/hit/assault that took place. I think your post has been misunderstood several times, and I'm not sure if it's because the wording is unclear, or if you need to just explain your position a little more. Yes, we're in agreement. She is only responsible for what she's says and does, not responsible for anyone else's actions or words. Several people understood, what I was saying is that innocently or not, you can play a part in the engagement (he's not sitting there talking to his fork) without being responsible for how someone reacts to what you say. Just like how many people today won't honk at or even glare at someone who put them in danger on the road, because you just don't know if someone will respond by chasing you down and terrorize you or worse. By choosing not to engage doesn't mean you believe that if you do engage its your fault if they overreact, it's simply choosing not to get into that situation. I hope that that helps clarify.
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 15, 2019 5:19:24 GMT
I can't help but wonder if this triggered something from your past? Sometimes a new trauma will trigger an old one, as well. It was a horrible thing to have happen to you and you have every right to feel your feelings. It's time for some good therapy. Clearly, you are suffering, but there is healing ahead. That people are piling on makes me mad for you. He is obviously an abuser who is filled w/rage. That is his pathetic story to tell. Your story can be one of a strong woman who admitted when she needed help, sought it and lead a much happier life than her warped attacker. For the sake of your health, being friends w/his wife is unhealthy at this point in time. She brings up the feelings of fear and anger and helplessness. You can't save her from him and you can't move fwd if you're confronted w/this everytime you talk to her. I wish you the best.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Nov 15, 2019 5:53:59 GMT
OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine what I would do or how I would feel if this happened to me. It’s shockingly bizarre behavior on his part, and his poor wife. I am not sure I would be able to remain friends with her, but without being in your shoes it’s hard to say what I would really do because there are so many other factors (it wasn’t her fault, she was probably in shock and humiliated, and I wouldn’t want to shut her out completely if I felt she were being abused). I haven’t read the entire thread to know what your BF did when he came back but I’m assuming you had to deal with his anger, too. I know my BF would’ve had to be tied down to not go after him. You’ve been through a horrible experience and it would still affect me later as well, but I agree with others that counseling might be a help for you. It’s also very impressive you’ve held your ground through this thread. Many would have left and never returned.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Jul 21, 2020 23:32:42 GMT
Bumping an old thread, any update?
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Post by spitfiregirl on Jul 22, 2020 1:08:13 GMT
I am way better thanks for asking. I have reconciled everything and felt much better after peaing .... friend and I are not estranged. we see and talk occasionally.
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