scrappinspidey2
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Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Nov 24, 2019 19:26:26 GMT
This is something that I have become more acutely aware of since my husband died. There is this unspoken fight between what I want and what the rest of the world (my small world obviously) wants. After he died, people would ask what I wanted. When I finally was able to voice what I needed/wanted help with, it was routinely ignored in favor of what the other person felt I needed. I was to exhausted to argue for what I wanted/needed and felt like i should just be grateful for any help at all.
In more recent years I have started wanting less things. I am trying to downsize and declutter and I find that christmas and birthdays have all boiled down to generic "thoughtless" gifts. More often than not its either something I can't/won't use or its a gift card to a store I rarely go to. A few years back I decided to ask for donations to the 100 club instead of presents. The 100 club helped my family so much, I felt it time to start giving back so they can help other families. That was met with mixed results. People still insisted on sending me presents. Then the last several years I have asked for time with family members instead of presents. That didn't work either. So I just asked that I not be given anything because I am moving etc. Still I get.."Well I have to get you present because...*insert reason here*" Then the ones who don't get me a present always bring up the fact that while they followed the rules, 1) they are unhappy about following the rules and 2) constantly point out that while they followed the rules, others didn't and they feel they are being punished and life isn't fair.
Im tired of it all. I don't want presents. I don't want to deal with things I don't want in the first place. It has sucked all the fun out of Christmas and my birthday as it is. Why does my wish to not have things sent to be get over ruled by someone who wants to gift? So whose wishes supersede?
If a person doesn't want presents or help, is it okay to override their wishes? If someone is asked what they ned and they provide details, is it okay to override it because you feel they need something different? What does someone like me do in this case? I don't want gifts but will be receiving them anyway. Im always grateful and say thank you but I then feel obligated to keep the gift or try to spend gift cards in a way that people will approve of. It's exhausting.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 24, 2019 19:42:39 GMT
You can donate almost anything. Someone would be happy to find new things to buy for less, to keep or give for gifts. Gift cards might a treat for someone who is pinching pennies. Call you Dept of Aging or local social services about donating!
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MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,372
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Nov 24, 2019 19:44:04 GMT
Can you ask for gift cards for fuel or the grocery store? Then you can either use them or donate.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580 
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Post by trollie on Nov 24, 2019 19:45:16 GMT
I am sorry.
Just made a small donation to the 100 Club. Sounds like a great organization.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,920
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Post by pilcas on Nov 24, 2019 19:47:29 GMT
Honestly, this is a simple problem. Put everything in a bag and donate it. You asked for no gifts so you need to feel no guilt at all. On the other hand, you can be specific as to what kind of gift cards you want.
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Post by mustlovecats on Nov 24, 2019 20:06:12 GMT
I think something useful Marie Kondo had to say about this was that these gifts served their purpose - the giver gave them and felt they had done something generous for you. Perhaps you can accept them in that spirit, say thank you, and pass those items along to a thrift store or to someone else feeling that the gift had done its job already by being an item someone gave you. From there perhaps someone else will find it in a thrift store and it will serve a new purpose for them.
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Post by cmpeter on Nov 24, 2019 20:08:56 GMT
I think for some giving is their love language and they might feel you are being polite when you say you don’t want anything.
I agree with the suggestion to donate whatever you get if it’s not something you really need. Start being more specific in your GC requests...Target, Amazon, etc.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Nov 24, 2019 20:12:54 GMT
awww trollie thank you. If it was a simple problem I wouldn't be on here venting about it. Those who send gift cards/cash want to know what I bought or did with it. I have asked for specifics before, but again it always boils down to what the gifter wants to give, not what I really want. This year I made my wishlist on amazon public. Its normally just a list I keep for myself of things I find or want to remember to order later. We will see how that works. I do need to let go of the guilt and donate the other items. It just seems like such a waste to me. If their love language is giving gifts, why wouldn't the gifts be more about what the person receiving the gift wants? |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 24, 2019 20:18:44 GMT
awww trollie thank you. If it was a simple problem I wouldn't be on here venting about it. Those who send gift cards/cash want to know what I bought or did with it. I have asked for specifics before, but again it always boils down to what the gifter wants to give, not what I really want. This year I made my wishlist on amazon public. Its normally just a list I keep for myself of things I find or want to remember to order later. We will see how that works. I do need to let go of the guilt and donate the other items. It just seems like such a waste to me. If their love language is giving gifts, why wouldn't the gifts be more about what the person receiving the gift wants? I think the amazon thing is a good compromise. Have you given the reason for not wanting gifts. I would really explain it. They may think you don't want be a bother or they feel bad because... What about experiences? I'd like tickets to x. Or gc for an airline or other travel thing |
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Nov 24, 2019 20:21:39 GMT
Everyone is aware of my reasons. I have nothing to hide in that department. I live in a very tiny apartment now and yes everything that comes in makes a huge difference in the amount of available space I have. I am still making trips to good will with my own things at this time.
I have always thought that I say a lot and I am very rarely heard if that makes sense.
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Post by cmpeter on Nov 24, 2019 20:40:05 GMT
They might feel they know better than you (wrongly so) or it’s a great deal they found and all they can give. So many reasons why people give what they do.
I do have a friend who has also down sized and asks for no things for their house. She’s an awesome gift giver and always gives me something thoughtful. She’s a serious Starbucks addict so I give her a SB GC, It feels a little one sided, but I’m trying to respect her request.
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snyder
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Post by snyder on Nov 24, 2019 21:04:30 GMT
If someone told me they didn't want items because they didn't have any room in their small apartment and they are downsizing, I definitely would not buy them an item, so why your friends/family insist on buying useless items for you makes my brain dizzy. lol Like pp said, grocery and gas cards can always be used, so I would put that out there to them and I like the Amazon Wish List you set up for people to choose from. I was never a good receiver; I did not want people giving me things, but my brother told me one time, you take the joy away from those that want to give to you when you say, don't get me anything, oh you didn't need to do that, etc. I receive my gifts better since he said that to me, but if it is something I clearly do not need or want, I pass it on to someone that does.
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Post by lisae on Nov 24, 2019 21:09:04 GMT
Are you giving gifts? If so, you can't blame them for giving you something in return. If you aren't or don't want gifts, just say so and stick to it. The only person I can't get to stop gifting is my mother but DH stopped gifting with my parents years ago and he is much happier that way. My cousin was telling me yesterday that she has stopped all her gifting except for children.
You may need to remind them repeatedly that you aren't doing gifts this year. You gave us very valid reasons why you don't want to receive gifts. You have given them alternatives - donations or time. Tell the gift givers those same reasons and remind them of the alternatives. If they ignore you, don't say thank you and donate what they give you.
I realize the economy would probably crumble if everyone felt like I do but I think all this gifting from one adult to another (unless the other is truly needy) is senseless.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Nov 24, 2019 21:21:08 GMT
I think for some giving is their love language and they might feel you are being polite when you say you don’t want anything. I agree with the suggestion to donate whatever you get if it’s not something you really need. Start being more specific in your GC requests...Target, Amazon, etc. This is what I was going to say  Giving gifts are my dhs and moms love language. I don’t get upset they give me things, I just quietly donate or gift them to others. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 24, 2019 21:47:07 GMT
I would just put the items I actually wanted on an Amazon wish list and when someone asks, I would share the list AND I would tell them “I really don’t want anything, but if you feel you must do something please choose something from my list because these are the things I need and will actually use. Otherwise, Amazon gift cards are always the perfect size and color.”
If they don’t or can’t follow that simple directive, I would have zero guilt either giving that item to someone else who can use it, selling it or donating it to a nonprofit.
ETA: I also wanted to completely validate you RE: getting a bunch of stuff you don’t want does totally suck the fun out of Christmas and birthdays. I dreaded going to my MIL’s at Christmas for that very reason. It’s so not fun to open a bunch of stuff you know you’re going to end up giving or throwing away, especially when there are things you actually needed that they could have spent their money on instead.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,616
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Nov 24, 2019 21:52:47 GMT
I understand exactly what you are saying - DH and I don't want or need gifts, our DD and family give us their time and with three grandees it is all we want really.
Our DS lives overseas and has for years now had an Amazon wish list and we buy most of his gifts from that. We are happy as we are sending him something he really wants and he is happy as he is getting something he really wants! Works for us. I just choose a couple of items on the list so he never knows what the gift will be but as it is on the list it's all good.
Hopefully this will work for you as well.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 24, 2019 21:58:05 GMT
If you get things that you cannot use, donate them. Every year for Christmas I would get a ton of cute, but unusable things from kids in my class. There are just so many mugs or teacher looking items and ornaments one can use. I just started taking them all to the Goodwill on the way home from school on the last day. I know it makes me sound bad, but taking them all home for extra clutter was too much- especially at Christmastime. I regifted a bunch of Starbucks gift cards and knew they went into the right hands. Someone can use the stuff that someone else has to give to give you.
When my parents decided they didn't want gifts, we decided that we would donate new coats for kids who needed one. The first time I put what we did in my dad's Christmas card, he started to tear up. Maybe adding to your list of places to donate would help people.
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 24, 2019 23:07:54 GMT
I validate your feelings of being unheard. I would be happy if someone suggested their favorite charity.
I am so glad we only give to our kids and grandkids.
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Post by refugeepea on Nov 25, 2019 2:00:50 GMT
If their love language is giving gifts, why wouldn't the gifts be more about what the person receiving the gift wants? I'm very much like you. I am so glad we only give to our kids and grandkids. Even in my own family, there's no exchanging with the siblings, nieces, and nephews. We get something for my mom and she gives each of us a family gift. I would be okay if that stopped because she now has great grandchildren. I have been trying to give her experience gifts or gift cards to a book store. |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 25, 2019 2:33:16 GMT
awww trollie thank you. If it was a simple problem I wouldn't be on here venting about it. Those who send gift cards/cash want to know what I bought or did with it. I have asked for specifics before, but again it always boils down to what the gifter wants to give, not what I really want. This year I made my wishlist on amazon public. Its normally just a list I keep for myself of things I find or want to remember to order later. We will see how that works. I do need to let go of the guilt and donate the other items. It just seems like such a waste to me. If their love language is giving gifts, why wouldn't the gifts be more about what the person receiving the gift wants? “Thank you for your generous gift! I donated it to XYZ charity/Gave it to my friend who loves it/etc.”. If they complain... “I told you I don’t have room.” Last time you have to worry about them giving you a present. Easier said than done. I would probably chicken out. |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Nov 25, 2019 3:49:43 GMT
I am sorry. Just made a small donation to the 100 Club. Sounds like a great organization. , you are a gem. This is so sweet! SS2 - I completely validate every feeling you have about this. And I even understand how some of the suggestions are just as frustrating. Human nature is so complicated. I feel exactly like you do and I have to extend 100x more grace in this area than is extended in my direction. It gets old. Grace upon grace. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,123
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Post by rickmer on Nov 25, 2019 4:18:22 GMT
my mom always gets so stressed about christmas for my kids. i told her DS wants a laptop... if she and my dad (they are divorced) gave $100 each, i could swing it. i know she normally spends about $150 per kid so she could still get him a pair of pants and maybe a book or something else he is into to open on christmas day that is a "surprise".
she came back today and said.... "well i was thinking about it and he won't have much to unwrap and you have your main computer (no we don't - we have my laptop, which i use for work so is often "tied up" and the "main computer" she refers to is their old one, hasn't even been hooked up yet and he couldn't do what he enjoys doing on it), that should be fine".
great - so now i have to come up with more things he might like?? i mean i will ask him but i just moved into a MUCH smaller home and have spent MONTHS getting rid of all this *stuff* (much of which, quite frankly, was former christmas gifts!!).
she asked, i answered but it's not what she wanted to hear. so here we go again. and no, she wont get him itunes or nintendo gift cards because "it's no fun to unwrap that".
so i hear you and validate you. i understand her point but when stuff is just stuff??? it just seems so wasteful. argh. it's complicated!!!
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Post by flanz on Nov 25, 2019 6:05:35 GMT
Are you giving gifts? If so, you can't blame them for giving you something in return. If you aren't or don't want gifts, just say so and stick to it. The only person I can't get to stop gifting is my mother but DH stopped gifting with my parents years ago and he is much happier that way. My cousin was telling me yesterday that she has stopped all her gifting except for children. You may need to remind them repeatedly that you aren't doing gifts this year. You gave us very valid reasons why you don't want to receive gifts. You have given them alternatives - donations or time. Tell the gift givers those same reasons and remind them of the alternatives. If they ignore you, don't say thank you and donate what they give you. I realize the economy would probably crumble if everyone felt like I do but I think all this gifting from one adult to another (unless the other is truly needy) is senseless. Amen! I'm in the boat there with you. In our nuclear family we stopped all of the gifting craziness when our kids were around 14 and 16. That doesn't mean I never buy them a gift, but it is usually experiential or something I know they really want. It's not gifted at a time dictated by "societal norms/ the calendar" either, but comes from the heart. |
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Post by flanz on Nov 25, 2019 6:06:17 GMT
Everyone is aware of my reasons. I have nothing to hide in that department. I live in a very tiny apartment now and yes everything that comes in makes a huge difference in the amount of available space I have. I am still making trips to good will with my own things at this time. I have always thought that I say a lot and I am very rarely heard if that makes sense. That would be so frustrating! |
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Post by flanz on Nov 25, 2019 6:09:17 GMT
I think for some giving is their love language and they might feel you are being polite when you say you don’t want anything. I agree with the suggestion to donate whatever you get if it’s not something you really need. Start being more specific in your GC requests...Target, Amazon, etc. This is what I was going to say Giving gifts are my dhs and moms love language. I don’t get upset they give me things, I just quietly donate or gift them to others. My understanding of love languages is that it doesn't matter what I, the giver, like to give. It's all about what the recipient's love language is, what THEY experience as a loving action. I may like to give gifts till the cows come home, but if I'm gifting to someone whose love language is words of affirmation, and I know that, then I'm being rude in gifting them a physical present that they don't want. It's about finding out what turns someone's crank and then, if moved to do so, doing that. |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Nov 25, 2019 6:51:53 GMT
I understand.
I am grateful and thankful, to be thought of and to be the recipient of a gift. I always receive any gift with thankfulness and grace.
With that said, I give away, donate or toss many gifts.
It's not that I don't appreciate the gift. But....I am in the downsizing phase of life, as well as I live in a small place. I am not going to keep something I won't use, don't like, or doesn't match my stuff.
I have noticed that some people give what THEY like. Not what the recipient likes.
People who don't like to receive gift cards (as they don't see it as a tangible gift) won't give gift cards to those who love to receive them, because they don't consider a gift card as a gift that is wrapped and opened.
For some people they like "the hunt" of finding what they think is the perfect gift for someone. Except the recipient may feel otherwise.
Some people give "one size, fits all" gifts (Kohls blankets, candle, mug filled with chocolates-cookie-candy, etc or gift cards (starbucks, amazon), without giving one thought to whether the recipient would like it or use it. Whatever they are giving, everyone gets one.
Personally, I like to receive gift cards. Especially to my favorite restaurants.
I would rather have a $5.00 gift card, than an item I won't use (and will be tossed or donated).
I am a gift card giver. I always try to give a gift card to a store or restaurant that I know the recipient likes.
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Post by rainangel on Nov 25, 2019 7:14:58 GMT
my mom always gets so stressed about christmas for my kids. i told her DS wants a laptop... if she and my dad (they are divorced) gave $100 each, i could swing it. i know she normally spends about $150 per kid so she could still get him a pair of pants and maybe a book or something else he is into to open on christmas day that is a "surprise". she came back today and said.... "well i was thinking about it and he won't have much to unwrap and you have your main computer (no we don't - we have my laptop, which i use for work so is often "tied up" and the "main computer" she refers to is their old one, hasn't even been hooked up yet and he couldn't do what he enjoys doing on it), that should be fine". great - so now i have to come up with more things he might like?? i mean i will ask him but i just moved into a MUCH smaller home and have spent MONTHS getting rid of all this *stuff* (much of which, quite frankly, was former christmas gifts!!). she asked, i answered but it's not what she wanted to hear. so here we go again. and no, she wont get him itunes or nintendo gift cards because "it's no fun to unwrap that". so i hear you and validate you. i understand her point but when stuff is just stuff??? it just seems so wasteful. argh. it's complicated!!! My mom has this thing about my kids having something to unwrap aswell. But the kids are teenagers now, and 95% of their wishlist is giftcards, electronic gifts or cash. The times of buying them gifts from a toyshop is long gone, but my mom seems to think the kids are missing out if they don't have a big gift to unwrap. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 25, 2019 16:07:12 GMT
I understand. I am grateful and thankful, to be thought of and to be the recipient of a gift. I always receive any gift with thankfulness and grace. With that said, I give away, donate or toss many gifts. It's not that I don't appreciate the gift. But....I am in the downsizing phase of life, as well as I live in a small place. I am not going to keep something I won't use, don't like, or doesn't match my stuff. I have noticed that some people give what THEY like. Not what the recipient likes. People who don't like to receive gift cards (as they don't see it as a tangible gift) won't give gift cards to those who love to receive them, because they don't consider a gift card as a gift that is wrapped and opened. For some people they like "the hunt" of finding what they think is the perfect gift for someone. Except the recipient may feel otherwise. Some people give "one size, fits all" gifts (Kohls blankets, candle, mug filled with chocolates-cookie-candy, etc or gift cards (starbucks, amazon), without giving one thought to whether the recipient would like it or use it. Whatever they are giving, everyone gets one. Personally, I like to receive gift cards. Especially to my favorite restaurants.
I would rather have a $5.00 gift card, than an item I won't use (and will be tossed or donated).
I am a gift card giver. I always try to give a gift card to a store or restaurant that I know the recipient likes.My BFF’s mom loved to shop. I mean she LOOOOVED to shop. The last Christmas she was with us her sweet DH gave her the best gift ever, a whole container full of gift cards to all of her favorite places: Michael’s, JoAnn’s, Hobby Lobby, Culver’s, McDonald’s, Target, Walmart, Tuesday Morning, Amazon, etc. She LOVED it and raved about that gift for months.  |
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,920
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Post by pilcas on Nov 25, 2019 18:20:07 GMT
My mother in law loved dolls, she collected them. Every year she gave my daughter a doll for Xmas. No matter that I told her my DD didn’t care for or play with them, ever. But that’s what she liked, so that’s what she gifted.
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mallie
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Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Nov 25, 2019 20:26:47 GMT
I hear you. My dh's inability or refusal to listen to me about gifts makes me feel overlooked. (And he is the ONLY person who has ever said that finding me gifts is a problem. Everyone else says I make it easy. So it's about his utter laziness and unwillingness to make this even the slightest priority. So, yes, I understand how you feel.
My love language is gifts. For me, the love manifests itself in giving people gifts they will enjoy. So I would never give something I liked for myself to someone else. Makes zero sense to me.
Nor do I know anyone whose love language is gifts who gives people crappy or unwanted gifts. I think those people do not have gifting as a love language. I expect they are looking for words of affirmation in the form of verbal appreciation for their gifts. Or perhaps they are generally self-absorbed or bad listeners and we not notice until gifts happen.
People who give just to have something to unwrap is more about sticking to family traditions and past practices. Like so many families who make green bean casserole for Thanksgiving even though no one likes it.
I will say that I hate giving money or gift cards. Requires zero thought and effort and because of that, requests for them make me feel like I am nothing more than an open wallet. That feeling is probably, in part, a result of the reality that when I have given people cash or gift cards at their request, I get perfunctory or no thanks which tells me straight up that I am just an open wallet for their entitlement. When the person who wants gift cards or cash wants to only GIVe those as well, I call a halt to the exchange because it's gotten down to straight up cash transactions. Might as well stop pretending our gifts mean that we care about each other and just keep our money in our own pockets.
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Giving gifts are my dhs and moms love language. I don’t get upset they give me things, I just quietly donate or gift them to others.
