children and divorce, please seek therapy

My ex and I have been commended on how well we’ve publicly handled our divorce. Ie, no trashing each other to common acquaintances like teachers, sharing conference time to save teachers headaches.

Now that I’m down to one minor child, I’ve come to realize it came at a price. I didn’t stand up for myself and my time enough with him, and now I have him and one of my adult children pissed that I no longer operate in their timetable.

But yeah, I see so much just on Facebook. I can’t imagine what the school has to deal with. That first year was ruuuuff as he replaced me quite quickly, had two incomes and I barely made ends meet. I was very bitter and it spilled over to the kids. But as I saw my kids crying I realized it wasn’t worth making them cry.

To thus day when I do something that happens to make my exes life easier and my husband gets mad, I say “I don’t do it for HIM. I do it for THEM”.

It also isn't as simple as seeking therapy... I have health insurance, provided by a company that runs one of the area health systems. My primary care doctor referred me to psychiatry, and I still had to take an appointment three months out, and that's just for the intake appointment.

You can't use what isn't available.

When my parents split up my mom mentioned it to my teacher at the time in case I should start to have problems. My teacher notified the school counselor (do they even have those anymore?) and I went to "counseling" a couple of times. I was a close mouthed kid and didn't want to open up. So basically I played games for an hour a day on counseling days. Once my dad got wind that I was seeing the school counselor he flipped out and made sure that the school counselor never saw me again.

Looking back, it would have been incredibly beneficial for me to stay there. Eventually I would have trusted the counselor and hopefully gotten the help I didn't realize I needed. So moral of the story, if you can't afford private therapy or your insurance doesn't provide it reach out to the school to see what resources may be available.

I also think that often parents who behave badly and who willfully ignore their child's distress, probably did it long before divorce happened. Yes, of course, there are divorces that come out of the blue in a "happy" home, but most often there is a lot of sturm und drang that upsets kids long before papers are signed.

Back in the day in NY state when my parents got divorced, it was a legal requirement for the partners to have separate therapy and quite a bit of it focused on the kids. I do not know who paid for it, but I can tell you that it was worthwhile. It fascinated me that only after therapy did either of my parents ever ask about the impact of their behavior on the kids. Unfortunately, it was too late as we were all adults by then.

ALWAYS check with your child's school. Many still have counselors/ social workers. Even just telling the teacher helps. A LOT.

Offer therapy to any child going through family separation and/or divorce. Even if everything seems fine on the surface and coparenting works well. It's still the loss of an ideal, a major adjustment in daily life, likely being hustled back and forth between two homes, lingering questions about the nature of love and its possibly not unconditional status, etc. It's tough. Therapy would also lay down some important foundations for any future problems that could arise due to coparenting, remarrying of either parent and so on. These are important tools not just to deal with the present heartache. 

The only therapy I got was a mother who argued with the school that I needed a male teacher as I wouldn't be seeing my father outside of school holidays (in the end, he never showed up again). I got three successive male teachers over three grades. Undoubtedly, this saved me to quite an extent. I realise now, as an adult, how much of a difference this has made in my life. Therapy back then would have been greatly beneficial too. There was no money for it, alas. 

Many here know my divorce story. I left an abusive marriage when my DD was 3 months old. Yes, I was in therapy. My therapist was great. The divorce was final 3 years later and I had complete support from everyone.

Around the time my DD was 7-8 years old, she was having issues with her father. I never told her anything about why we were divorced. I had determined at the time of our divorce that I would not be the one to tell her. Her father was getting remarried. I realized that all the changes in her father's life was affecting her - especially when he told major untruths of why we were divorced. I got her into counselling. It was beneficial for her. The counsellor knew why we were divorced and told my DD about a year into counselling. So glad that someone else told her. Then when my DD was 18 years old her father sent me a legal document that he had "fulfilled his duty as a father." His personal reasons, but, it upset my DD even though he had not paid child support or had visited her since she was 10 years old. Back into counselling she went. My DD is okay with not having a father in her life. She just makes adjustments. Whenever she has needed a father figure, she has chosen my brother or a dear friend, both are involved in her life.

I guess I am saying that children need counselling at different times of their lives.

Totally 100% agree in counseling AND not trashing the other parent.
My ex-SIL was told by her son's GF to stop bashing her ex (his dad). That brought her up short and as far as we know the venting in front of the kids stopped. Kids discover their parents' shortcomings on their own - they don't need a parent stoking a raging fire to get the message.

There also seems to be a shortage of therapists. My friend’s dd is in a PhD program. She waited 3 years to get in and they take 10 people/year. This is at a huge state university.

My parents separated when I was a toddler and divorced by the time I was two, so I don't remember my father living with us at all. However, there was SO much going on that therapy would have been ideal for me--in fact, I often thought about wanting it, but it just wasn't something people did much of then and while I mentioned it to my mother, I think she took it personally--that she wasn't being a good enough mother if I needed some outside help, so I never pushed her on it.

Seriously, who flagged this thread as political, and WHY? Is is because elaine said "I hope that you vote in favor of affordable comprehensive healthcare for all." ? ? ?

I really wish the option of any random person flagging threads was not available.