Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082 
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Apr 17, 2020 22:41:41 GMT
Here's the backstory: I nanny for a family that has adopted boy/girl twins who are less than 2 years old. Mom is overdue with biological child and will be induced next week if she doesn't go into labor before then.
They plan to give birth in a birthing center and stay 24-48 hours. Hubby has generous paternity leave from his employer. Her mother will be unable to come because she lives in another state.
My job is to keep things as normal for the twins as possible. But, since Grandma won't be able to come for a while I want to be able to help Mom as much as possible. I have never helped a woman who has just given birth.
I realize that there are many unknown variables in this equation, but I'd like advice on how I can be helpful to this family especially the Mom in the early days. I know that she's going to be missing her mother and I'd like to be able to fill that void somehow.
Please share your best ideas. This family has been amazing to work for and I'd like to be as much of a blessing to them as possible.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Apr 17, 2020 22:47:07 GMT
Could you ask her what (if anything) she envisions you doing and, importantly, if there's anything she DOESN'T want you to do? That way there's no underlying resentment festering based on uncommunicated expectations.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Apr 17, 2020 22:51:00 GMT
Could you ask her what (if anything) she envisions you doing and, importantly, if there's anything she DOESN'T want you to do? That way there's no underlying resentment festering based on uncommunicated expectations. That's a good idea. I hadn't thought about asking her what she doesn't want. We have good communication, so I'll ask her. Thanks for mentioning it. I hadn't even considered that there might be some things that she wouldn't want me to do. |
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Apr 17, 2020 22:54:49 GMT
In addition to asking her I would make sure to do as much other stuff as possible even if it’s not one of your normal tasks....dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. (within reason of course, don’t kill your self trying to get it all done). That will allow her to rest when the baby does and spend time with the twins whenever she can.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Apr 17, 2020 22:58:19 GMT
Could you ask her what (if anything) she envisions you doing and, importantly, if there's anything she DOESN'T want you to do? That way there's no underlying resentment festering based on uncommunicated expectations. That's a good idea. I hadn't thought about asking her what she doesn't want. We have good communication, so I'll ask her. Thanks for mentioning it. I hadn't even considered that there might be some things that she wouldn't want me to do. I'm mostly thinking along the lines of weird family tradition that no one else has ever heard of, so it wouldn't ever cross your mind that it should cross your mind... You know, the kind of thing peas start PVM threads about.  |
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Post by gar on Apr 17, 2020 22:59:02 GMT
I think it's important to recognise that she probably won't know herself yet  Maybe try and have a conversation about communication and being open with how she's feeling. She could say today that she'd like you to do x and y but then find that she wants to do that herself. Having said that, the obvious things are to give her time for a nice bath, drinks and snacks while/if she's feeding (it can come on suddenly!), meals planned..that sort of thing |
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pancakes
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,002
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Post by pancakes on Apr 18, 2020 2:29:37 GMT
If she’s never been a new mom before and recovered from labor, she probably doesn’t 100% know what she wants or needs.
As someone who is in the midst of doing all that right now, I could really use help with:
- Keeping the house clean
- Cooking (I actually don’t mind doing this as much, but the times we order takeout is such a nice change of pace)
- Doing dishes
- Doing laundry (I can’t believe how much laundry we’re doing, especially when you factor in baby blowouts!)
- Grocery shopping (because it takes away from my husband being able to help me during the day)
Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to get you a glass of water or grab you an ibuprofen or hold the baby while you eat a meal.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 21:22:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2020 3:12:29 GMT
Get what she wants.
And I would have lived to have someone hold the baby while I napped or Played with brother while I was nursing.
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Post by nlwilkins on Apr 18, 2020 3:13:03 GMT
I would also try to remember that caring for the newborn will be something the mother will want to do and store up those memories. I would focus on other things so the new mother can focus on the baby. There will be a fine line between being helpful and intruding on special moments. For each mother and family, that line is different.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 18, 2020 3:25:52 GMT
The best things my mom (and my husbands mom to some extent) did for me after I had each of our babies was to come and do the things I physically couldn’t do. I had c-sections with all 4, so I don’t know how mobile one is after a vaginal birth. But I couldn’t do a whole lot because I was in serious pain and absolutely exhausted. My mom doing the sweeping and the laundry! And some of the cooking and toy clean up was HUGE! And then just being an extra set of hands to hold that little pink baby for a few minutes (or longer) so I could wolf down a sandwich was great too.
But. Please don’t be offended if she doesn’t lean on you like she would her own mother. I didn’t depend on my mother in law the same way I did with my own mother. Comfort levels and familiarity and hormone levels all played a role in that. With my own mom I know that I can have a temper tantrum/hormonal outburst/whatever and that she won’t be offended or hold a grudge. I also know that with my mother in law I cannot do that because she WILL hold a grudge and use it later. Emotions are ok with my mom. Not so much my mother in law. She takes everything personally. I strongly disliked when I had kids 2 and 4 because it was her turn to come out first. That’s when I was most emotional and I felt like I couldn’t release those feelings when I needed to because of her. I’m rambling. Sorry.
I do think it is so very lovely that you want to be there for her like a mom would be at this time. They must be heartbroken that grandma can’t come.
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Maybe try and have a conversation about communication and being open with how she's feeling. She could say today that she'd like you to do x and y but then find that she wants to do that herself.
