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Post by delila on May 22, 2020 18:50:47 GMT
Update of some sort....
Recently I was looking for something in his office & found 2 boxes of my books & mementos under his desk. What a POS....I’ve been looking for those books foe almost 3 years now & he had to know that they were under there. I’m struggling to just keep my head above water at this point.
I need some great Pea perspective on this please.
I moved a few years ago i & have had a hard time finding quite a few items since the move. I have searched & searched for said items with no luck at all. After 3 years of looking I found out that my not so
DH threw the items away because he deemed them junk. Maybe they were junk to him but they most definitely were not junk to me. When he finally told me this last night I felt as if I had been punched in the gut.
For almost 3 years he has said that the items were here & I was just not looking hard enough. Typical gas lighting me like I’ve experienced for many years from him.
Am I over reacting or are my feelings justified?
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Post by MissBianca on May 22, 2020 18:58:05 GMT
I would murder him. We have garage door parts I have moved to 3 houses. They have never been used but they are my DH’s and as much as I hate them, I will not throw them away because they are his. They are freaking heavy so I told him they just had to be out of my way so I don’t trip over them.
Your DH needs to go out and replace what you have been looking for.
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Post by nlwilkins on May 22, 2020 18:58:07 GMT
Throwing away was not right, but to lie on top of that is outrageous!
If he feels they were junk and needed throwing away, why the lying?
I would eventually find it within me to forgive the tossing out of my things, but I doubt I would ever forget about the lying - not just once for several years.
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Post by busy on May 22, 2020 18:58:35 GMT
He's a dick. It's not about the stuff.
I've gotten rid of some of DH's things without his explicit permission - ratty shirts, holey socks, etc. - because otherwise he'll keep wearing that crap until... I don't even want to find out what his line is.
But anything more substantial, I ask first. Or rather, I seek confirmation "I'm going to donate X item - are you ok with that?" I think that's just the polite thing to do.
Your husband's behavior is wrong. To lie about it for three years is gross.
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Post by Skellinton on May 22, 2020 19:01:07 GMT
Throwing away the stuff is awful, but lying about it? Flat out WRONG.
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Post by cadoodlebug on May 22, 2020 19:02:31 GMT
I would need some serious marriage counseling if my DH did that. Sorry it happened to you.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400 
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Post by ashley on May 22, 2020 19:07:03 GMT
My ex husband did this to me for years: threw away my belongings, acted like I was crazy and didn’t ever own these things or I had misplaced them (100% not true). He threw away things like boxes of milk glass, my clothing, etc. One of his only responses during discussions about where these things went and how they could just disappear out of storage, was to say “I don’t know the current location of those items”, which I eventually realized was what he perceived to be a smart and cunning way of denying his knowledge and involvement, because what he really meant was “I don’t know what happened to those things after I removed them from our home and threw them out/donated them, so I can therefore accurately claim I do not know where they are right now”.
It was manipulative and controlling and I think partially emotional abuse.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:25:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2020 19:07:12 GMT
I'd be extremely pissed and hurt. Not only did he toss things that weren't his to toss, he lied to you the whole time he knew you were searching for them.
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,348
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on May 22, 2020 19:07:27 GMT
I'd be pissed if my dh threw my stuff out without asking me first. But, the lying thing (for years) would really yank my chain.
What did you husband throw out? (I'm the curious type!) |
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,475
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on May 22, 2020 19:13:44 GMT
It's the lying about it that would really make me distrust him. I may have thrown some stuff out too of dh's but don't lie. But, he hasn't noticed yet.🤭😁
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:25:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2020 19:16:07 GMT
I'd be seriously pissed off, both about the throwing my stuff away and the lying about it.
A while ago I made a thread about storing stuff (my husband has a lot of items from his work that he loves and wants to keep) many peas encouraged me to get rid of it, donate it, sell it on ebay etc even after I reiterated that this stuff wasn't mine and it had to stay. No way do you get rid of someone elses belongings, ever, it's just a shitty thing to do.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
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Post by ginacivey on May 22, 2020 19:28:21 GMT
not in a situation like this
but yes - yes i have
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Post by delila on May 22, 2020 19:28:45 GMT
I’ve struggled for years with him gaslighting me. Since I have epilepsy & horrible memory issues I was always second guessing myself & thinking I was going crazy when in reality he was trying to make me feel this was when he was being a total Dick.
Recently I found some boxed up clothes of mine in the attic that I had been looking for. They had no business in the attic & I know I didn’t put them there, he did.
I do admit to tossing out a few of his items also but they were under clothes that were full of holes & ratty. I’ve never tossed anything of value....until now.!!!!
Thanks for making me feel a bit better about myself. I have been made to feel guilty about so much that I was feeling badly about this now too.
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Post by pierkiss on May 22, 2020 19:33:19 GMT
He's a dick. It's not about the stuff. I've gotten rid of some of DH's things without his explicit permission - ratty shirts, holey socks, etc. - because otherwise he'll keep wearing that crap until... I don't even want to find out what his line is. But anything more substantial, I ask first. Or rather, I seek confirmation "I'm going to donate X item - are you ok with that?" I think that's just the polite thing to do. Your husband's behavior is wrong. To lie about it for three years is gross. That exaclt |
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,583
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on May 22, 2020 19:39:50 GMT
I'm appalled. It's not really okay to throw out someone else's stuff in the first place, but if he somehow felt justified... But to LIE about it and let you keep looking?  Yeah, NO. |
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Post by mikklynn on May 22, 2020 19:52:12 GMT
It's abusive.
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Post by Zee on May 22, 2020 19:53:58 GMT
It all sounds unhealthy but I am wondering, do you have hoarding tendencies? Would it be possible that he feels as put upon by your things as you feel about him throwing them out?
I'm not saying he's right, just curious mainly because I just saw a few episodes of Hoarders the other day that would definitely have me throwing things away, DH's thoughts on it be damned.
Is there any chance for counseling for you?
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Post by peace on May 22, 2020 19:59:30 GMT
but this is about so much more than getting rid of your stuff. It's control. He thinks he knows better than you. He thinks he has final say. He thinks he calls the shots. So, he decided that those things shouldn't be kept and he did something about it. Which is fucked up. Then - because he is so powerful- he lies to you to control you so he doesn't have to hear about what he did. I'm sure he thinks he did you a favor. Cause, he knows better.
I was married to a guy like this. He was really good at playing dumb. Really good at gaslighting. King of manipulation. It is emotional abuse. 100%
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 22, 2020 20:01:57 GMT
I would be pissed. Especially about the lying and misleading you.
One persons trash is another persons treasure.
Since this was done on purpose, and not accidently, I would start tossing some of his treasures, or at the very least hide them. Let him see how it feels.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
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Post by pilcas on May 22, 2020 20:04:34 GMT
I would be pissed both at the throwing away and letting you waste your time looking for them.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,670
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on May 22, 2020 20:06:27 GMT
My ex husband did this to me for years: threw away my belongings, acted like I was crazy and didn’t ever own these things or I had misplaced them (100% not true). He threw away things like boxes of milk glass, my clothing, etc. One of his only responses during discussions about where these things went and how they could just disappear out of storage, was to say “I don’t know the current location of those items”, which I eventually realized was what he perceived to be a smart and cunning way of denying his knowledge and involvement, because what he really meant was “I don’t know what happened to those things after I removed them from our home and threw them out/donated them, so I can therefore accurately claim I do not know where they are right now”. It was manipulative and controlling and I think partially emotional abuse. Oh that hurt! I love milk glass. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 22, 2020 20:15:18 GMT
Typical gas lighting me like I’ve experienced for many years from him. I think it's difficult to give a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. In an otherwise fairly healthy marriage, this would be shocking and egregious behavior. I would wonder what had prompted both the action of throwing someone else's belongings away and be extremely concerned regarding the lying about it. In your case, all that is still true... but it's bathed in the overall dysfunctional nature of your relationship with him. I don't remember specifics per se, but I do recall you posting repeatedly about how he treats you -- and how poorly your family treats you. So to separate out this one behavior to focus on seems disingenuous. I wish you could live in a healthier situation overall. |
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Post by delila on May 22, 2020 20:16:22 GMT
Yes, I would consider myself a bit of an hoarder but only of scrapbook supplies, clothes, shoes & anything Hello Kitty. None of that has any impact on him at all.
What he threw out was my golf clubs & some of my mosaic tiles. The golf clubs were not particularly good ones but they were mine. The mosaic tiles were nice tiles that had a purpose.
I’m sure I’m more hurt that he let me look for the shit & lie to me than anything else.
Marriage counseling won’t help him, we have been there too many times before & he just doesn’t get it. I’m in this by myself & will just have to figure it out like I have for the past 38 years.
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Post by Zee on May 22, 2020 20:18:06 GMT
Yes, I would consider myself a bit of an hoarder but only of scrapbook supplies, clothes, shoes & anything Hello Kitty. None of that has any impact on him at all. What he threw out was my golf clubs & some of my mosaic tiles. The golf clubs were not particularly good ones but they were mine. The mosaic tiles were nice tiles that had a purpose. I’m sure I’m more hurt that he let me look for the shit & lie to me than anything else. Marriage counseling won’t help him, we have been there too many times before & he just doesn’t get it. I’m in this by myself & will just have to figure it out like I have for the past 38 years. I'm sorry  I would tell you you deserve better but I'm sure you know that. |
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Post by freecharlie on May 22, 2020 20:22:06 GMT
I'd be LIVID!! It is bad enough he threw your stuff away, but then to lie for YEARS!!! WOW
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on May 22, 2020 20:26:57 GMT
I would need some serious marriage counseling if my DH did that. Sorry it happened to you.  Both the act of throwing them away and the gaslighting are unacceptable. If he had accidentally thrown them away and then apologized it might be understandable, but to let you look for them for three years is cruel.
Your feelings are justified.
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Post by alsomsknit on May 22, 2020 20:49:53 GMT
Your situation goes far beyond just the tossing of stuff. What he has done is awfully cruel.
((((Hugs))))
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Post by 950nancy on May 22, 2020 20:50:24 GMT
This weekend I went looking for something I KNEW was in the garage. It was something that I was saving for a friend because they are getting a puppy this weekend. My husband sheepishly admitted that he might have tossed it. Clearly he did. I was pissed because it was a perfectly good dog bed that fit in the bottom of a kennel that we only needed for three weeks. Ugh. At least he didn't lie about it... but damn. He is great about cleaning out the garage every spring and fall. We have several small piles of stuff that go to the Goodwill every month or so. I would have been much happier if he'd ad least donate the thing.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on May 22, 2020 21:08:57 GMT
I get a bit stabby every time I read a thread where people advocate throwing out things that belong to someone’s spouse or children. And I’m going to go as far as including unacceptable underwear. It’ll just never be okay in my mind for me to decide what I should do with someone else’s things. I’m so sorry, delila. |
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on May 22, 2020 21:24:15 GMT
If you’ve been dealing with gaslighting (lying) for years, you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage. To watch you distressed looking for the items for years because he did not want to be blamed just blows my mind.
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Both the act of throwing them away and the gaslighting are unacceptable. If he had accidentally thrown them away and then apologized it might be understandable, but to let you look for them for three years is cruel. 
