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Post by LisaDV on May 23, 2020 14:44:09 GMT
Throwing away was not right, but to lie on top of that is outrageous! If he feels they were junk and needed throwing away, why the lying? I would eventually find it within me to forgive the tossing out of my things, but I doubt I would ever forget about the lying - not just once for several years.
This.
I get the throwing this out. DH "helped" me after a move with some boxes. He deemed all the box junk and tossed it. I was ticked that he didn't look at everything in the box as some important paper work was in one of them, but he didn't lie about it. If he lied once and then came clean, I would probably forgive/forget. But for years, it's always going to be in the back of my mind. I don't think I could forgive it or forget it.
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Post by LisaDV on May 23, 2020 14:49:15 GMT
I get a bit stabby every time I read a thread where people advocate throwing out things that belong to someone’s spouse or children. And I’m going to go as far as including unacceptable underwear. It’ll just never be okay in my mind for me to decide what I should do with someone else’s things. I’m so sorry, delila . I think it depends. My family knows that I toss ratty clothes, socks, and underwear. I fold the the stuff and refuse to have my family walking around looking like hobos. And, I have also tossed some broken stuff of DH’s that he hasn’t laid eyes on in a couple of years. If he asks about them, I will tell him I tossed them because they were broken beyond repair. He has accidentally tossed some some of my stuff. The world kept turning. Plus, I have developed a different attitude toward stuff over the last few years. We aren’t dealing with relationship issues that would make this problematic. Plus, we, the entire family, have worked together to declutter this house, which was a game changer.
I toss ratty underwear and socks all the time. If the clothing has holes, it's a work shirt/pants and it stays until the owner tosses.
If something is broken or unneeded, we usually tell the other that we tossed it or that we're going to. Or we put it in the give away box (depending upon the shape it's in).
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 23, 2020 14:56:04 GMT
Years ago when we were preparing to move overseas, I told DH that he needed to clean out the garage (it was all his stuff) before he left. He would be leaving at least 3 months before me and DS and I would need to get the house ready for sale. For six months I reminded him that if I had to clean out the garage after he left, I would be throwing stuff away and he couldn't complain about missing things when we returned to the US and got our storage delivered. He left it for me to deal with. So I had a guy show up with his pickup truck and he hauled at least three loads away. When we moved back to the states and had our storage delivered, DH stated saying, "where's x, y, z?" I quickly reminded him that he left me to clean out the house and figure out what was trash and what was keep. He never said another word about it. I know he was pissed about some stuff, but I never felt bad. It wasn't important enough for him to make sure it was sorted/labeled keep before he left. I had to clear out an entire house of goods, take care of DS, no family anywhere near, and all the crap was his.
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Post by peace on May 23, 2020 15:49:08 GMT
I live in a state that loves alimony! I have been married for 34 years this Sunday. He has told me for a long time that without him I would live under a bridge, with a loser biker dude, have 6 kids with 6 dads & be a junkie. This is the same guy that told me that he’s forgotten more than I’ll ever know!!!! What a fing tool. I told him I would get a big chunk of his salary & he told me he would make it up in 6 months. I reminded him that with my health condition he will be paying more than the average amount. I’ve had a lawyer on retainer for 15+ years just ready for my call. I have had a few minor seizures today just because of all this golf club shit. Since I am a collector of all things Hello Kitty I think I will purchase a set of Hello Kitty golf clubs! That will tweak him a bit because they are expensive & because he thinks my love of Hello Kitty is stupid....like his love of the Dallas Cowboys isn’t??!!! You've had the lawyer on retainer for 15+ years AND your husband had an 8+ year affair? What are you still doing there?? Get out! Because the control is suffocating. It is so difficult to pull the plug. This person has had years to screw with your mental state and your self esteem. It's such a hard position to be in and it is so much harder to leave. The controller knows exactly how to pull your strings and no matter what anyone says-- until you live it, you just can't understand. OP- get thee to therapy. Start there. Make your mind up that it's time to take care of you. Do what's best for you because you deserve it. Keep moving forward. You can do this. Once you are away for a while, you will start to feel like yourself again. That core of who you really are and haven't felt for 30+ years. It's ever too late. Never ever.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on May 23, 2020 16:55:43 GMT
You've had the lawyer on retainer for 15+ years AND your husband had an 8+ year affair? What are you still doing there?? Get out! Because the control is suffocating. It is so difficult to pull the plug. This person has had years to screw with your mental state and your self esteem. It's such a hard position to be in and it is so much harder to leave. The controller knows exactly how to pull your strings and no matter what anyone says-- until you live it, you just can't understand. OP- get thee to therapy. Start there. Make your mind up that it's time to take care of you. Do what's best for you because you deserve it. Keep moving forward. You can do this. Once you are away for a while, you will start to feel like yourself again. That core of who you really are and haven't felt for 30+ years. It's ever too late. Never ever. This, go to therapy. What a horrible thing to say to you. I know it’s a pandemic, so therapy may be impossible right now especially with your health conditions. Maybe look into some books? If you don’t want him to see them, maybe kindle versions or audible versions? Just google “emotionally abusive marriage book.” Looks like there’s many, many titles to choose from. Can anyone recommend any?
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Post by delila on May 23, 2020 18:07:34 GMT
Today I feel a bit better knowing I at least have the Peas to talk to. I don’t feel like my family is on my side. I have always felt as if my mum especially pushed me to marry him so I was not her problem anymore. If I told my dad all of what was going on he would go nuts. There is no reason to bring my parents into this situation at all. My sister will not help me. When we were both in middle school she watched me get beat up by an older girl & didn’t do anything about it! Needless to say we have no relationship at all. I have always felt very abandoned by my family & don’t doubt some of that stems from epilepsy & from moving so many times throughout my childhood. Grade 6 I was in 3 different states & 2 countries!!
Thank you all for being so kind. This can be a safe place to fall for the most part & for that I am very thankful.
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Post by delila on May 23, 2020 18:10:13 GMT
Adding that I am now very concerned of what else I don’t know is missing or tossed out.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 23, 2020 18:40:32 GMT
Because the control is suffocating. It is so difficult to pull the plug. This person has had years to screw with your mental state and your self esteem. It's such a hard position to be in and it is so much harder to leave. The controller knows exactly how to pull your strings and no matter what anyone says-- until you live it, you just can't understand. OP- get thee to therapy. Start there. Make your mind up that it's time to take care of you. Do what's best for you because you deserve it. Keep moving forward. You can do this. Once you are away for a while, you will start to feel like yourself again. That core of who you really are and haven't felt for 30+ years. It's ever too late. Never ever. This, go to therapy. What a horrible thing to say to you. I know it’s a pandemic, so therapy may be impossible right now especially with your health conditions. Maybe look into some books? If you don’t want him to see them, maybe kindle versions or audible versions? Just google “emotionally abusive marriage book.” Looks like there’s many, many titles to choose from. Can anyone recommend any? Actually, I think it might be easier to obtain help with mental health issues now because of the pandemic with tons of people going stir crazy with SIP for so long. Those in state government don’t want people to feel like they should be stuck having to shelter in place in an abusive situation. I believe that for my state at least there are the numbers of places a person can call listed right on the state government website. If you Google your state+ mental health assistance you should be able to find some links to explore. I just looked on ours and a whole page full of information comes up.
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Post by epeanymous on May 23, 2020 18:44:59 GMT
I am sorry. When I cull through my kids’ stuff, I do throw stuff out without asking and I feel guilty (never anything major or sentimental, but, eg, my preschooler’s play kitchen food had far outgrown its storage, so I tossed the plastic stuff a few weeks ago and just kept the wooden stuff). I wouldn’t do it to an adult, other than things like holey socks, and even then, if they asked, I would be honest and apologize.
Every story on Hoarders seemed to start with someone trashing the person’s important stuff.
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Post by ExpatBackHome on May 23, 2020 18:58:50 GMT
Throwing it away may not have been a big deal for him but acting like you need to look for the items for 3 years is shocking. If my DH had thrown something away that I was looking for, he would tell me what happened. That is crazy!
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Post by arrow on May 23, 2020 21:19:56 GMT
A friend recommended The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans to me. So many lightbulb moments when I read this.
Sometimes you can’t see the abuse when you are dealing with it daily. It becomes normal. It’s only when you are out from the relationship/situation can you see it for what it is.
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Post by maryland on May 23, 2020 21:58:19 GMT
I am a minimalist and my three kids and husband are big time savers. I know it's partly laziness and don't want to sort, partly they are busy and don't have time. And partly because they aren't neat freaks like me. As much as I would love to throw out some of their stuff (holey shirts, things they never opened, things they don't really care about), I would never do that. I think doing something like that to my husband's stuff would be almost as hurtful to him as if I had an affair! So no, I don't touch their stuff without asking them first. But if they didn't care, we would have a well organized house in no time! I am guilty of holding on to so many photos from before digital cameras! My closet is so full of pictures, there is no room for many clothes. Saves us money! Haha!
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Post by delila on May 23, 2020 22:02:29 GMT
I think I could be a bit more sensitive to this throwing away of other people’s items than normal (but what is normal)?! because I remember so vividly coming home from school & my bedroom being totally cleared & cleaned out by my mum. She would decide what I needed to keep & what I didn’t.
To this day I am still upset that she tossed my school book with my friends pics, stories etc & a thank you letter I received from Lady Bird Johnson. I wrote Lady Bird a card after visiting LBJ ranch & telling her how beautiful I thought it was & how much I enjoyed the library & museum. In return she wrote me a thank you note. I’m sure someone else wrote it did but she did sign it & it was extremely special to me. I’ve never gotten over the feeling of dread coming home from school & seeing my bedroom bare.
I very obviously need to get over this shit & move on with life. This isn’t a hill I’m willing to die on.
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Post by maryland on May 23, 2020 22:03:35 GMT
but this is about so much more than getting rid of your stuff. It's control. He thinks he knows better than you. He thinks he has final say. He thinks he calls the shots. So, he decided that those things shouldn't be kept and he did something about it. Which is fucked up. Then - because he is so powerful- he lies to you to control you so he doesn't have to hear about what he did. I'm sure he thinks he did you a favor. Cause, he knows better. I was married to a guy like this. He was really good at playing dumb. Really good at gaslighting. King of manipulation. It is emotional abuse. 100% We just had this conversation a few days ago how he is in control of everything including me. It has been this way our whole marriage & I have accepted it because I was too young & stupid to do anything about it. I also wanted my family together. Now I’m dealing with another generation of disrespectful people who treat me like I’m nobody. I don’t give a shit about the golf clubs at all, I care that he lied to me & that he took it upon himself to throw them away. He is now saying that he really doesn’t think he did toss them & the are in the garage & I should look. More fing gaslighting I’m afraid. He has realized how upset I am & is trying to backpedal & can’t. Thanks Peas for reassuring me that I was not overreacting. My whole life I’ve been told I’m overreacting, I’m too sensitive, I’m too moody, I’m too something but I’m never just Delila which should be good enough. I feel so bad for the way you are being treated. I am a sahm, and I think people think less of me because of that. Any questions the kids always ask dad, never me. And I have a stinking law degree! So I understand your frustration with being told you are overreacting, being disrespected, etc. My husband would never throw out my stuff (for him, the more the better) but I throw out a lot of my stuff that I would like to keep just to have some empty space, and a drawer to put things. Sorry for the ramble!
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Post by 2peafaithful on May 24, 2020 0:05:20 GMT
I am so very sorry. You have experienced betrayal and many other hurtful behaviors and that is wrong.
Overreacting? Is he breathing? If so then no you are not and anyone that says you are doesn't understand emotional abuse.
Lying is wrong. Lying over and over.....there aren't words to describe the impact. I am so sorry. His actions are deeply wounding. If his response doesn't reflect deep remorse, grief over his actions, pursuing making it right (not that it can be undone but if there is any thing that can be done), supporting your healing, figuring out his #!&$!? crap and what the heck does he value in life, willing to do the continued and on going work to repair what has been deeply broken....either way I would encourage you to seek a good counselor. I can't imagine you feel safe. Safety is at the core. That must be established in order to move forward and work through things.
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