Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:09:35 GMT
Edit:
Ok, this is all very good advice. Here is what I am going to tell her: That Spouse #2 should pay for now, but because the rental isn't until next summer, they should add a line item to their bills for vacation. Then Spouse #2 can be paid back out of that, and going forward, vacation can be a "bill" that gets paid.
Whew!!!! All this is just my opinion too....they have to figure it out. But I won't go if there is fighting!
My best friend is having some money issues. I thought I would get some impartial advice before I talk to her about it.
Both partners work, when payday comes, money goes into the pool.
Bills (and bills include clothes, haircuts, basic life stuff) are paid out of that pool, and then what is leftover is gets divided 2 ways.
Most of the leftover goes in savings. Savings is for house stuff, car repairs, and in case of emergency. Savings is NOT for vacations or anything "extra" or fun. Savings is serious.
Each person is given a small allocation of "fun money" to spend the way they choose out of each paycheck.
Spouse #1 spends their fun money every two weeks, on games, toys, etc...
Spouse #2 hoards their "fun money" and has accumulated a stash of funds to take a (very low key, not extravagant) vacation.
Spouse #1 is pissy because Spouse #2 has "all this money." They would like to come along on the vacation too. Spouse #2 would LOVE for them to come with, but is a little crabby that they have saved for over a year to be able to take a vacation, and now need to pay for Spouse #1, because they blew through their "fun money."
Both parties are unhappy, Spouse #1 feels left out of vacation and might not get to go. Spouse #2 feels like they saved and saved and are now expected to foot the bill for someone they love, but who did not contribute.
BOTH parties agree that savings is not for vacation.
Thoughts on this or the best way to handle spouses and money?
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on May 30, 2020 15:13:01 GMT
A portion of the income should go into a vacation fund so that a years worth would give a reasonable fun time.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:15:18 GMT
I think they should have talked well before this time about saving for a mutual holiday and planned accordingly.
I don't think you need to talk to your friend about this situation, circus/monkeys and all that, by all means smile and nod but don't give opinions.
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pancakes
Drama Llama
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Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on May 30, 2020 15:16:23 GMT
I feel for spouse 2, who saved. But were they planning to go on vacation alone? Or with friends?
I feel like most of the time, you usually vacation with your spouse.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:16:26 GMT
I don't think you need to talk to your friend about this situation, circus/monkeys and all that, by all means smile and nod but don't give opinions. She has called me twice crying about it this morning, I don't think I have a choice, I have to talk to her.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 30, 2020 15:17:48 GMT
My best friend is having some money issues. I thought I would get some impartial advice before I talk to her about it. Both partners work, when payday comes, money goes into the pool. Bills (and bills include clothes, haircuts, basic life stuff) are paid out of that pool, and then what is leftover is gets divided 2 ways. Most of the leftover goes in savings. Savings is for house stuff, car repairs, and in case of emergency. Savings is NOT for vacations or anything "extra" or fun. Savings is serious. Each person is given a small allocation of "fun money" to spend the way they choose out of each paycheck. Spouse #1 spends their fun money every two weeks, on games, toys, etc... Spouse #2 hoards their "fun money" and has accumulated a stash of funds to take a (very low key, not extravagant) vacation. Spouse #1 is pissy because Spouse #2 has "all this money." They would like to come along on the vacation too. Spouse #2 would LOVE for them to come with, but is a little crabby that they have saved for over a year to be able to take a vacation, and now need to pay for Spouse #1, because they blew through their "fun money." Both parties are unhappy, Spouse #1 feels left out of vacation and might not get to go. Spouse #2 feels like they saved and saved and are now expected to foot the bill for someone they love, but who did not contribute. BOTH parties agree that savings is not for vacation. Thoughts on this or the best way to handle spouses and money? They need a vacation fund. We do it that way. A separate account that funds are deposited in solely to use for vacations. On our written budget, it is actually a line item expense. Definitely a communication problem. If I were in that scenario, I’d probably be resentful that my weekly fun money was expected to be used to pay for both to vacation—but then again, communication is key—I wouldn’t save up money for a vacation without even mentioning it to my spouse then telling my spouse after I’ve saved for a year what I was doing with it! Both are being selfish in their own way. In our relationship we don’t set each other up for disappointment or to teach the other a lesson, and this screams that too me.
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Post by epeanymous on May 30, 2020 15:18:01 GMT
I take solo vacations fairly often because of our family size (or, at least I did in The Before Times), so I wouldn’t think twice about just taking myself on a trip under those circumstances. It wouldn’t be a conflict here. So that’s an option, although based on what discussions sound like have already happened on this topic, maybe one neither spouse here would be happy with.
If the spouse who saved for vacation is mad that the other spouse didn’t save for vacation but wants the other spouse to go on the vacation, it sounds to me like whatever the couple’s stated savings “plan” is, vacation-spouse thinks they should both also be saving for vacation. Going forward, probably they should come to some sort of agreement about a separate savings pot for vacations, since both seem to want to take one now. The spouse who saved for vacation probably needs to let it go and pay for both if that spouse wants both to go on vacation together now—I am not sure what the alternative would be.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:18:53 GMT
But were they planning to go on vacation alone? Or with friends? I feel like most of the time, you usually vacation with your spouse. Friends, as I (and a few other people) were invited to go in on a cabin rental on a lake. This would be for next summer. Edited to add that the cabin has to be paid for now, as they go super fast apparently.
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Post by Bitchy Rich on May 30, 2020 15:22:37 GMT
If it's a year away, doesn't the non saver have the time to save up their portion?
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Post by KikiPea on May 30, 2020 15:24:01 GMT
I think not having a joint vacation fund is not right. I’d be pissed if I knew DH was using his fun money for a vacation, and didn’t tell me that’s what it was being saved for. We have a joint vacation fund. If we don’t have the money, neither goes. Now, there are very special occasions (Like maybe 4 over the last 24 years) that one of has gone without the other, but it was planned that way...surprise trip for my SIL’s baby shower, trip for DH to meet his online jazz friend, scrapbook weekend for me, trip to meet my nephew...
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pancakes
Drama Llama
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Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on May 30, 2020 15:24:02 GMT
But were they planning to go on vacation alone? Or with friends? I feel like most of the time, you usually vacation with your spouse. Friends, as I (and a few other people) were invited to go in on a cabin rental on a lake. This would be for next summer. Are other spouses going? Because if so, I would’ve, as person #2, expected to have to shell out that money for the other person from some place. I agree with the other Pea above that they should establish a vacation fund. Unless this vacation was always only about the spouse going without the other, like on a girls’ trip.
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Post by mom on May 30, 2020 15:24:12 GMT
Thoughts on this or the best way to handle spouses and money? They need a vacation fund. We do it that way. A separate account that funds are deposited in solely to use for vacations. On our written budget, it is actually a line item expense. This is what we do as well. But I will be honest, there is no way my DH would leave me at home if I did spend my 'share' and not save. Especially if it hadn't been included in our budget. But after this vacation, I know my DH would make it a line item every paycheck.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 30, 2020 15:25:31 GMT
So do they not vacation as a couple at all? I think they need to discuss that and budget accordingly.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:25:32 GMT
They need a vacation fund. We do it that way. A separate account that funds are deposited in solely to use for vacations. On our written budget, it is actually a line item expense. The spouse who saved for vacation probably needs to let it go and pay for both if that spouse wants both to go on vacation together now—I am not sure what the alternative would be. Ok, this is all very good advice. Here is what I am going to tell her: That Spouse #2 should pay for now, but because the rental isn't until next summer, they should add a line item to their bills for vacation. Then Spouse #2 can be paid back out of that, and going forward, vacation can be a "bill" that gets paid. Whew!!!! All this is just my opinion too....they have to figure it out. But I won't go if there is fighting!
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Post by pierkiss on May 30, 2020 15:30:07 GMT
Was spouse 1 planning on taking a solo trip or a girls/guys trip? If not I find this really weird. If I had saved and hoarded all my fun money to be able to take a trip, I would be bringing my husband. There wouldn’t be a question. The other spouse would have to pay their own way to go on the trip or not go at all? So weird.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 30, 2020 15:31:05 GMT
When both dh an I worked all money made was shared between us. He had a much better income than I, but we still shared everything. Vacations were planned well in advance and we worked our budget together to pay for it. It was never hers or his. It was always ours.
I think your friends need to work at partnership. They are life partners and that means financial partners, unless one spouse misspends or has a gambling problem. I think they need a separate vacation fund and again, they should plan the vacation together. BTW-since they each have their own play money then it's her choice to spend it however she chooses.
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Post by nlwilkins on May 30, 2020 15:31:07 GMT
In order to move forward now, they need to sit down and figure out a low expense vacation they both go on within the next few months. Then start a savings plan for that vacation. Gives hubby something. Wife then goes on planned vacation alone while hubby looks forward to a vacation with wife in the future. He might even contribute more of HIS play money for the couple vacation to make it happen sooner.
Conversation could go something like this - "Since your play money is all spent for right now, I am taking MY play money and going on vacation. We can pool our play money for the next three months and go somewhere together. But you could contribute more if you want a more special vacation together or want it sooner."
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:32:43 GMT
Both are being selfish in their own way. In our relationship we don’t set each other up for disappointment or to teach the other a lesson, and this screams that too me. I totally agree!
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:35:37 GMT
A vacation for both should be a separate fund. A small getaway just for one and hers/his friends is up to each individual.
My parents do this. They have separate accounts that their paychecks (now pension) go into. They agree to put x amount in joint account, y amount into savings for repairs and other unexpected expenses, and z into their annual Florida trip account. What's left is theirs to spend. Dad has his hobbies. Mom has hers. Dad buys car parts. Mom goes out to lunch with friends and shoves random $20 bills into her grandkids' pockets. Mom has weekend getaways with some friends here and there that she pays for. Dad uses his money to go to the really big national hot rod show.
Having a joint vacation fund saved a lot of trouble.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:37:01 GMT
The more I think about this the weirder it gets, I wouldn't be crying to my friends if my husband wanted to go on holiday with me. We go on holiday together, no questions asked, no secret hoarding of money to go alone. I'm going to suggest they have bigger problems.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:37:32 GMT
Start a vacation fund that they both contribute to.
And if this isn’t you and your husband, stay out of it unless you are the financial consultant.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:39:51 GMT
Ok, so just got off the phone. Apparently the savings for a year was not just for vacation, but for other stuff too. There just happens to be enough to make a cabin vacation happen as well.
She thought looking at vacation as a "bill" was a good idea, but is worried about increasing their bills. Is also worried about DH not wanting that to be a bill. I also suggested decreasing the fun money by a percentage and that goes to vacation. Frankly, I think this is a bigger issue than just the money. Sigh, thanks all!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:42:53 GMT
The more I think about this the weirder it gets, I wouldn't be crying to my friends if my husband wanted to go on holiday with me. We go on holiday together, no questions asked, no secret hoarding of money to go alone. I'm going to suggest they have bigger problems. I agree, (about the bigger issues) but here is the thing, full disclosure, she isn't crying to me that her husband wanted to go on vacation with her. She's broke and is going to get left at home.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:44:45 GMT
I wouldn’t dream of springing that I’m going on vacation without my DH. It’s something you talk about and unless this was an all girls/guys type of trip I would have found a way to include him. If the trip is for next year, why can’t spouse #1 pay back spouse #2 for his/her half or why couldn’t spouse #1 borrow from savings and forgo a portion of his/her fun money until that loan was paid off? Seems like this is a time where it’s more important to share in a vacation experience than to be right.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:45:34 GMT
The more I think about this the weirder it gets, I wouldn't be crying to my friends if my husband wanted to go on holiday with me. We go on holiday together, no questions asked, no secret hoarding of money to go alone. I'm going to suggest they have bigger problems. I agree, (about the bigger issues) but here is the thing, full disclosure, she isn't crying to me that her husband wanted to go on vacation with her. She's broke and is going to get left at home. And now I'm an ass for making assumptions (serves me right!) Maybe they'd be better off getting some marriage counselling? The relationship doesn't sound healthy.
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QueenoftheSloths
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Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 30, 2020 15:46:29 GMT
One of my sisters and her husband followed this type of plan with their money as well. he spent his fun money as he got it on video games, etc. She saved all of hers and used it to fund her divorce. So yes, sometimes this is a sign of other trouble in a marriage.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 1:17:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:47:41 GMT
And if this isn’t you and your husband, stay out of it unless you are the financial consultant. No, lol DH doesn't care about stuff like this. If we had the $$ to go, we'd just go. It's hard though, when someone who you care about is freaking out, to stay out of it. She's been there for me through thick and thin and she feels like she is losing it, so I can't just cut her off. I did gently suggest marriage counseling as well.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 30, 2020 15:52:00 GMT
This sounds like roommates not a married couple. They need to have a discussion about their partnership because this isn’t going to be the first go round if this is the way they handle issues. That is some serious resentment building behavior on both sides.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2020 15:52:24 GMT
Seems like this is a time where it’s more important to share in a vacation experience than to be right. I feel like this is it right here. Both feel put upon, and both want to be right. I guess I'd rather be happy than be right all the time.
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Post by Skellinton on May 30, 2020 16:08:35 GMT
The more I think about this the weirder it gets, I wouldn't be crying to my friends if my husband wanted to go on holiday with me. We go on holiday together, no questions asked, no secret hoarding of money to go alone. I'm going to suggest they have bigger problems. I agree, (about the bigger issues) but here is the thing, full disclosure, she isn't crying to me that her husband wanted to go on vacation with her. She's broke and is going to get left at home. Not that it matters, but I am super confused, is your friend Spouse 1 or Spouse 2? That is a super weird relationship problem to have, and definitely shows there are some big issues they need to work on. I agree with the other posters asking if one person had kept this planned trip or secret or not. The past 3 times I have been to Disney has been without my husband because it is too peopley for him, so I saved my fun money to pay for my trip, but he knew all about it from day one. Granted, I don’t shut up about the trips because I am so excited about them, but I would never have hidden it from him in any event. We also have a trip fund that money comes out of, but that is for both of us. This couple has some serious issues they need to sit down and figure out. How long have they been married, about?
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