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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 13:27:10 GMT
My mom wants to get divorced. She is in her 70's and got married to this man she met at a church function 12 years ago. We are all adult children and while we were not thrilled, we supported her being happy. Over the years, he has shown that he did not really want a partner, he wanted a housekeeper, cook and caretaker. He has no kids. She is done.
Here's the part where we (her kids) are confused. Is she supposed to live with him after she files for divorce? They live 2000 miles away from us (her kids) and we can't just fly out on a whim. She doesn't want to get another house, she wants to move "home". But how to tell him she wants a divorce...and then she doesn't want to stay here. So does she file and then get on a plane? What about her stuff?
I know she needs a lawyer, but she is nervous about cost. She also is nervous about staying here after he knows she wants out, but a neighbor told her that she could lose out on the house if the judge considers it "abandoned by her".
The kicker? She doesn't think he will leave the house and he cannot afford to live in it alone. How do you make someone leave a house so you can sell it?
So sorry for the verbal vomit, I just am so stressed about this, and my DH is having fits that I keep getting on an airplane (he's awesome and very understanding, just is worried about me) I just need some advice. Thanks!!!
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Post by refugeepea on Oct 15, 2020 13:34:15 GMT
I think it would be best to find a lawyer for the state where she resides. It is considered abandonment in some states if she moves out of the house.
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Post by Mel on Oct 15, 2020 13:35:04 GMT
First, yes, a lawyer. Make sure that she tells the lawyer that she wants to sell and that she is worried he won't leave the house, there are things that they can do legally to make that happen. Can she rent a storage space for her things until after everything is settled? I'm pretty sure she will need to stay close for the court appearance. Or at least fly back for it if she does leave the area. Good luck!! It's a hard place to be.  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 13:46:35 GMT
Can she rent a storage space for her things until after everything is settled? She could, but someone would have to be here for who know how long to help her get stuff in her storage unit, ect...she isn't strong enough to lift boxes and haul stuff. She doesn't want to be alone with him after he knows she wants a divorce either. So how do you not be alone with someone, but not abandon the house? Should she just pretend she is visiting us? |
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Post by librarylady on Oct 15, 2020 13:50:43 GMT
She MUST consult an attorney ASAP. Laws vary by state and she must do what is necessary in the state where she lives.
Is it possible for some of you to go help her pack etc. when the time is appropriate?
However, I know someone who (because of circumstances) had to stay in the house for about 3 months after it was definitely decided that
they were divorcing.
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garcia5050
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Post by garcia5050 on Oct 15, 2020 14:10:33 GMT
That is hard. I knew someone who was in the same boat. She ended up getting ill (or maybe she fell and needed hip replacement?). Either way, his live in housekeeper and chef was no longer able to do these things, so he left her. We always knew he was a cad but he really proved it in that moment.
I don’t even think she bothered with divorcing. No one ever saw him again.
I don’t have advice, but it sounds like you’re getting good advice above.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 14:15:59 GMT
Either way, his live in housekeeper and chef was no longer able to do these things, so he left her. OMG I wish he would leave her!!! That would make life so much easier. Instead he sticks to her like glue, questions all her comings and goings and watches her like a hawk. My dad left my mom when I was 5, so she hasn't had to deal with this...he was just gone and they had an apartment, so there was nothing to do. |
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Post by myshelly on Oct 15, 2020 14:24:27 GMT
Divorce law is HIGHLY state specific. No one can give you accurate advice without knowing the state. You need a good, local attorney.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 14:40:58 GMT
Divorce law is HIGHLY state specific. I agree we need a lawyer. I am going to look for one that will do a google meet or something like that. Trouble is cost, retainer, etc...Mom will need to use $ and how to do that without him knowing? We could give her some $, but I don't know that we have enough for a lawyer...I know I don't without dipping into my retirement fund. State she lives in is CA. I am in MN, as are the rest of my siblings. |
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schizo319
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Post by schizo319 on Oct 15, 2020 14:43:45 GMT
I definitely agree she needs to speak to a lawyer before doing anything else.
Is she in a position in which she could hire movers to come and put her things into a storage building? Is there a short-term housing option (maybe a senior apartment building) where she could stay to remain in the state until the divorce is final if that's required?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 14:53:23 GMT
I definitely agree she needs to speak to a lawyer before doing anything else. Is she in a position in which she could hire movers to come and put her things into a storage building? Is there a short-term housing option (maybe a senior apartment building) where she could stay to remain in the state until the divorce is final if that's required? I don't know about movers, I don't think she can afford it. She asked us to hire a truck and wants my brother to fly out and drive it from CA to MN. About the housing, this is where things get sticky, yes, she could do that if she did not have to pay half the mortgage on the house. She cannot afford a different living situation and also the house payment. Money is a HUGE issue. They don't have a lot, and what they have, he controls. So she has her little SS check and that is her personal money. She has a pension from work, but that goes 100% to bills. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Oct 15, 2020 14:54:18 GMT
I may be the outlier here but she is a grown woman who needs to figure out her own life. She married him, now she needs to deal with him. I say fuck him. Stop being his maid. Take care of herself only, get out of the house and have a life. There is no law that says she has to take care of him or stay cooped up with him. If that makes him unhappy, so what? Maybe he will leave. If she really wants out she is going to have to hire a lawyer.
Of course you should support her and help her in any way you can, but this is on her.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 14:58:23 GMT
I may be the outlier here but she is a grown woman who needs to figure out her own life. I TOTALLY agree, and if she were healthier I would probably limit the involvement I do. But she is still in recovery from breast cancer treatment, (chemo, surgery and radiation) has fallen, sometimes gets confused...when she moves to MN she will live with my sister. So we can't really leave her to figure it out...and the panicked, crying phone calls in the middle of the night (she waits for him to go to sleep so she can talk) are super, super stressful. |
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Post by elaine on Oct 15, 2020 15:04:39 GMT
It would be very helpful for you - or your sister - to find her county senior citizens/aging services board number. Call it. Explain the situation. They should be able to help you find local services to help her, including a social worker.
She shouldn’t be living in a situation where she fears for her safety. It, unfortunately, isn’t rare, and there should be agencies in place to help. Depending on his behavior towards her, it might qualify as elder abuse and may need to be reported and protective services will step in.
She really needs local help, in addition to a lawyer, of course.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 15:07:07 GMT
Divorce law is HIGHLY state specific. I agree we need a lawyer. I am going to look for one that will do a google meet or something like that. Trouble is cost, retainer, etc...Mom will need to use $ and how to do that without him knowing? We could give her some $, but I don't know that we have enough for a lawyer...I know I don't without dipping into my retirement fund. State she lives in is CA. I am in MN, as are the rest of my siblings. Ca pea here... Have her contact her local YMCA. They have low cost/free law services (as well as tax services). If they can not help they will be able to point her in the right direction for low cost/free services. If there is a senior center in her area, also contact them. They may have volunteers who can help move items to storage. Also contact a local church for help when needed |
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 15, 2020 15:11:50 GMT
She might be better off to negotiate that he keeps the furniture, as shipping is expensive. He'll think he's winning and she can get something else.
Hugs. This is hard from such a distance.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 15:24:37 GMT
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Oct 15, 2020 15:27:24 GMT
Divorce law is HIGHLY state specific. I agree we need a lawyer. I am going to look for one that will do a google meet or something like that. Trouble is cost, retainer, etc...Mom will need to use $ and how to do that without him knowing? We could give her some $, but I don't know that we have enough for a lawyer...I know I don't without dipping into my retirement fund. State she lives in is CA. I am in MN, as are the rest of my siblings. Can your siblings pitch in?
At the very least you need to have a consultation with a lawyer - usually those are free. I'm assuming the money in their accounts belongs to both of them, whether he likes it or not. But a lawyer can give advice on how to navigate everything.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Oct 15, 2020 15:28:07 GMT
better call Saul
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 15:38:43 GMT
THANK YOU!!! I just reached out to them. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 15:42:15 GMT
Can your siblings pitch in?
At the very least you need to have a consultation with a lawyer - usually those are free. I'm assuming the money in their accounts belongs to both of them, whether he likes it or not. But a lawyer can give advice on how to navigate everything. Yes, they can pitch in, thank goodness we are all on the same page here, a rarity for the 4 of us. I reached out to the CA Bar Associating Lawyer referral, so hopefully hear something back soon. Thank you!! |
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Post by katlady on Oct 15, 2020 15:43:20 GMT
Either way, his live in housekeeper and chef was no longer able to do these things, so he left her. OMG I wish he would leave her!!! That would make life so much easier. Instead he sticks to her like glue, questions all her comings and goings and watches her like a hawk. My dad left my mom when I was 5, so she hasn't had to deal with this...he was just gone and they had an apartment, so there was nothing to do. I would be more concerned with her safety when she tells him about the divorce. Has he ever been violent? |
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rodeomom
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Post by rodeomom on Oct 15, 2020 16:58:07 GMT
Might be a good idea if one of the kids could go stay with her for awhile.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 15, 2020 17:16:24 GMT
One of you needs to go to her and help her out. Be there when she tells him etc. Don't let her do this on her own..screw Covid and go help her.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Oct 15, 2020 17:57:45 GMT
I think she should get her own bank account and switch her direct deposits to it. That way she is in control of her own funds.
Do any of you "Kids" have a College student that is doing online School, that could relocate temporarily to Grandma house.
Whose name is on the house? Can she simply put it on the market, claiming it too big and time to downsize.
Can one of you go and visit, and remove anything of importance to her.. >> Paperwork, heirloom pieces, jewelry, etc... that way it's out of the home and in a safe place.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2020 17:59:01 GMT
Can one of you go and visit, and remove anything of importance to her.. >> Paperwork, heirloom pieces, jewelry, etc... that way it's out of the home and in a safe place. This is an EXCELLENT idea! |
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Post by sleepingbooty on Oct 15, 2020 18:20:24 GMT
Can one of you go and visit, and remove anything of importance to her.. >> Paperwork, heirloom pieces, jewelry, etc... that way it's out of the home and in a safe place. This is an EXCELLENT idea! This should be prepared in advance. She needs to secretly make a list of all the important stuff that will need removing and share it in advance with the person who'll come over. Stealth operation. No joke. If you're unsure of how he'll react to her divorce announcement and he financially relies on their union, you'll need to be smart, well prepared and ready to go when it's time to go. Best of luck! |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 15, 2020 18:51:42 GMT
I'm not a lawyer, and do agree a consultation is in order. I have had several family members go through a divorce in CA, and it's a no-fault state, so typically leaving the house does not impact her financial interest in the house. There are child abandonment provisions if you leave the house and stop paying the bills and you have minor children, but it does not sound like that would be relevant. CA is also a strong community property state, so if they bought the house together and both are on title it's a pretty simple division. If one owned the house before, even the last 12 years of sharing bills would potentially convert at least a portion of the value to community property, but that gets more complicated. She also should know that retirement is also considered community property - so a portion of her pension may need to go to him - you did not mention what if any funds he contributes.
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Post by Lexica on Oct 15, 2020 19:20:35 GMT
It would be really helpful if one of you could fly out and take her to the divorce attorney.
Is this Southern or Northern California?
I would tell her to quietly gather any jewelry and things of importance to her such as photographs, sentimental items, etc. and either have whoever accompanies her to the attorney quietly pack them back to Minnesota with them or ask a good friend to keep them at their home. Heck, if I wasn't moving myself, I would offer to take her to an attorney myself and put her valuables at my place.
Preparation for the attorney:
Have a list of questions written down to ask regarding her rights and ask when you make the appointment what she needs to bring with her to start the divorce proceedings. Most attorneys will give you the first hour free so you want to make the most of it and be prepared with questions written down.
Was the house they are living in bought jointly?
California is a 50/50 property state so he might get half of the house unless there is a law protecting her if she purchased it well before he moved into it with her. I know of a couple that wrote their home ownership up in percentages based on the amount of money each spouse put for the down payment. She owned 75% to his 25% because she had a better job.
Is the house in both names or just hers?
Did they have a prenup by chance?
Good luck. I think she would need to stay until the divorce is final or at least return for the final signing of paperwork.
Homes are selling very fast here, so she should be good there. I do know of a good realtor in Southern California that I could recommend if you need one. He is very honest and I am using him to sell my home.
My ex moved out of the house prior to me filing for the divorce and nothing was said about him abandoning the home or my son. I just wanted him out.
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Post by hop2 on Oct 15, 2020 20:48:27 GMT
My mom wants to get divorced. She is in her 70's and got married to this man she met at a church function 12 years ago. We are all adult children and while we were not thrilled, we supported her being happy. Over the years, he has shown that he did not really want a partner, he wanted a housekeeper, cook and caretaker. He has no kids. She is done. Here's the part where we (her kids) are confused. Is she supposed to live with him after she files for divorce? They live 2000 miles away from us (her kids) and we can't just fly out on a whim. She doesn't want to get another house, she wants to move "home". But how to tell him she wants a divorce...and then she doesn't want to stay here. So does she file and then get on a plane? What about her stuff? I know she needs a lawyer, but she is nervous about cost. She also is nervous about staying here after he knows she wants out, but a neighbor told her that she could lose out on the house if the judge considers it "abandoned by her". The kicker? She doesn't think he will leave the house and he cannot afford to live in it alone. How do you make someone leave a house so you can sell it? So sorry for the verbal vomit, I just am so stressed about this, and my DH is having fits that I keep getting on an airplane (he's awesome and very understanding, just is worried about me) I just need some advice. Thanks!!! Laws will vary by state but in my state if the house is jointly owned, and he can not buy out her portion of the house Then they are required to sell because the divorce will ( unless the lawyers suck ) directly address who get what portion of the house & deadlines for putting it up for sale. I know this because I was the one who could not buy out Ex and if he did not want the house anymore we were required in the divorce agreement to sell it. He did buy me out though and kept it Yes, you can be seen to abandon property but I don’t know how that works. Hugs to your mom it will be rough |
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