My kids didn't have the issues yours has, but we did have some issues when the hormones hit them hard.
Some things I did -
Time-outs - "You are out of control right now and there is nothing to be gained by continuing this conversation. Please go to your room for 10 minutes and calm down. If you come out calm and able to speak politely to me, this conversation never happened. If you come out behaving this same way, the punishment and consequences are entirely of your making. Your time starts now." Make a big deal of setting a timer.
The LOOK - staring straight at them like they're an idiot. No comments, no change of expression. Let them wind down and then ask - 'Are you done? Are you ready to discuss this or do you need more time to cool down?' Never acknowledge anything they said during their meltdown.
The HAND - Palm at 90* angle and say 'STOP' very loudly. 'Before we get started, you should be aware that I am not in a good mood and I may find it impossible to act as an adult. IF you start throwing names or nasty thoughts, you should expect to get them returned back to you. This may be a battle of 2 5years olds and I've had a LOT MORE EXPERIENCE at fighting this way.' Disclaimer - I fight dirty and I have a great memory. I knew exactly what to say to make them puff up and I was not above repeating it in a singsong voice. This usually stopped them cold. No one can believe their mom knows how to fight like a 5 year old. I don't think any of these episodes ended with anything but laughter, but I was very careful not to overuse this tactic
I also had lines in the sand.
I didn't touch my kids in anger - they didn't get to touch me when they were mad.
I didn't throw up their past mistakes and they didn't get to throw mine at me.
I never threatened them with physical harm when angry and they didn't get to threaten me.
My approach to parenting was to have a sense of humor and to allow for everyone to make apologies and amends.
BUT
I only handed out punishment when I was calm and once handed out, they served it. To the minute. This was always the case so they knew they better make peace before I made my ruling.
I had a strange list of punishments, I guess. Some of them:
Have to spend every waking moment in Mom's eye site. (Punishment for sneaky behavior)
Have to stay with Mom and do each chore she points to without arguing.
Have to write a paper - by hand, no typing - about why you think you should have been allowed to do what you wanted to do.
Have to be silent for an entire day - punishment for screaming or yelling after being offered a time out.
I know has got to be hard to strike the balance between dealing with a disobedient and defiant tween and dealing with someone who emotional issues, but it doesn't sound like you are doing this. I think your child might do better with a written list of infractions and punishments so she knows what's coming when she starts in. I'd hold the list in my hand and ask if she'd like a 10 minute timeout and redo before the situation escalated.
When she makes her choice, put it on her. I'd use the terms - you chose - or - you decided - anytime we discussed her behavior. I would not accept her putting this on me. Any comment - you and dad ruined my life - would be met with - NO, you knew what would happen if you did x, so YOU made that choice and you caused this to happen. I'd be pretty relentless about this as it seems she has developed a habit of shifting blame. That can't continue if you expect her to make any changes.
As far as the touching you hard. That would stop. You know that she is equating those touches with slapping or otherwise harming you and that can't continue. She touches you, she gets the same punishment as if she slapped you. Tell her in a note what that punishment will be and then do it. No exceptions. No matter how angry you are at her, you cannot and would not strike her. Hold her to that same standard.
One more thing that worked with my tweens - I constantly acknowledged their age. I made a point of saying - now that you are older - or - now that you are getting ready to be on your own - and this seemed to help them stop and think if their actions were those of a kid or of an almost adult. LOL
Both of my kids are grown now.
My oldest has told me a number of times how much he hated me when he was a teen and how much he needed and depended on my boundaries. He said knowing how Mom would react when he came up against one of my lines in the sand gave him peace. For example, the 1st time we caught him looking at porn sights, we locked his machine down. He could only go to pre-approved sights for the next 3 months. We also installed a tracker on his machine that stayed there until after he left home (the machine stayed here.) When we caught him on porn sites again, we locked it down again - only this time it included the Barbie site. I put a note on his machine that said if he wanted to look at silicone... He laughed and accepted the punishment with no more fuss.
Both kids have also admitted that their favorite punishment was having to stay in my site for a day. They said they sometimes did those infractions just to have my attention for a whole day. I didn't tell them those were some of my favorite days, too.
Marcy