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Post by gramasue on Mar 8, 2021 0:29:00 GMT
I agree with absolutely everything said in this post. Please listen to the Peas! You know we know everything.  |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,940
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 8, 2021 0:29:16 GMT
please kibblesandbits, please come back and tell us you aren't going to do this and you are going to actively dissuade the others you've been gossiping with against doing this. You will damage this person. You will not be helping them. I know you think you will, but I swear to God, you will not. I have not been gossiping - it was a topic brought to me and I've been of the "MYOB" opinion throughout. I'm glad to hear that - but you're "packing it on" comment didn't make it sound that way. |
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305 
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 8, 2021 0:31:08 GMT
I have not been gossiping - it was a topic brought to me and I've been of the "MYOB" opinion throughout. I'm glad to hear that - but you're "packing it on" comment didn't make it sound that way. Ah. I can see that now. |
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 8, 2021 0:35:17 GMT
Sorry, I posted then got caught up in a different project and was pulled away from the computer. It's become a topic because said person was scheduled for a visit here and it seemed a perfect time for an "intervention" except that the people concerned the most were just hoping I'd do the deed during the visit. Yeah, no thanks. Her weight is not my problem. I know she's struggling, as most are during this time, and I am more concerned about that. where the mind is, the body follows. When I said to the crew MYOB, they were all "but don't you care?" its my opinion that if they're so concerned, they should do what they want me to do - butt in. but I"m not interested Family. So fun. |
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Post by myboysnme on Mar 8, 2021 0:37:59 GMT
I'm really just a bystander trying to talk some others out of trying to be "helpful" Feel free to share any of my posts on this thread with the hopeful helpfuls. |
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Post by catmom on Mar 8, 2021 0:38:13 GMT
Agree with everyone else. If you want to check in on their mental health, and ask if there is any way you can support them during the pandemic, that's caring. We're all doing what we can to cope, and seeing someone who's struggling or managing the best way they can is not an invitation to shame them. Or gossip about them. I've also gained weight during the pandemic. I've stayed pretty mentally healthy but cooking, baking and enjoying good food has been a real comfort to me. Anyone who tried to 'help' me would probably be met with a dropkick. Not really, but they would be quickly unfriended. This was my position - I am aware that there is a mental component and thought that support in that area would be more appropriate. However. . . . I'm really just a bystander trying to talk some others out of trying to be "helpful" Hopefully you can use the replies in this thread as ammunition to talk your (family?) out of this. If not, stay far out of it, tell them not to mention you in the discussion (i.e. the 'everyone thinks so' comments) and make it clear that you disagree. Good luck - family stuff is complicated. Any physical health inquiries, in my opinion, should be limited to general health, sleep/rest, and maybe fresh air, which are better indicators of health than weight IMO. |
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Post by maryland on Mar 8, 2021 1:02:51 GMT
I am sure he or she is aware of weight gain. I don't think I would ever bring it up with anyone. Not worth rising friendship with him or her.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Mar 8, 2021 1:13:39 GMT
I've been a part of the Peas for a number of years. Long enough to know that the Peas RARELY agree on anything. I've only read the first page, but every poster has strongly urged you to keep your mouth shut.
As someone who has been on the receiving end of a discussion like this I will only say SAY NOTHING!!!!
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,097
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Post by used2scrap on Mar 8, 2021 1:15:29 GMT
Yuck. Please say nothing.
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Post by Legacy Girl on Mar 8, 2021 5:22:51 GMT
Family disapproval of your body is one of the most traumatic rejections we can face, I think. I’m so sorry you’ve dealt with that, too. Wow, Merge. So simple, but so profound. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Mar 8, 2021 8:44:09 GMT
This makes me think of my stepmother. She is “so concerned” about my Sister in law’s health. Right. It’s all about her weight, it comes out in her comments, and has completely poisoned the relationship with not only her DIL, but her own son. It is so easy to see that it’s really about looks, because, really, we can’t really see another’s mental or even physical health, can we? But we can see their weight.
This has been a wake up call to me, as I have a son in law in his 40’s whose dad died at 50 of complications of morbid obesity. I adore this man, and can’t bear the thought not only of losing him, but my dd being a young widow, and my DGS losing their dad. Over a year ago, my son in law asked DD to support him as he did low carb dieting. DD has, and has lost weight and looks and feels terrific, even though she was happy at the size she started at. She makes and packs all the meals for her husband, doing everything she can to support him.
But SIL will drive though fast food on the way home, which I know from my own experiences , sabotages the low carb goals. After 14 months, he is the same.
I’m sad and frustrated that my daughter has done as he asked and yet it hasn’t improved her beloved husband’s health. I’m truly worried about him. This has been my mind set. It doesn’t help that I’m not a fan of the high fat low carb diet, but I do feel if that is going to be your eating plan you should stick to it.
And no, I have never, ever, ever, said anything to either of them about their health, size, or diet. That is their business, and what I know is because my DD has shared it with me.
All this to say that it has still been a wake up call to try to get my worry and concern out of my head and just love my SIL for who he is and let him make his own decisions.
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Post by julieinsweden on Mar 8, 2021 9:17:10 GMT
Tough. I'm also on the MYOB bench. However since this person is going to be visiting then there would only be healthy food on offer and the number of family walks and training sessions would be seriously increased for said person to join.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,920
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Mar 8, 2021 9:38:17 GMT
^^What they said, unless it's your spouse, or your child whose food and exercise you have some control over. Not even then. A minor child? Limit what they eat by not buying anything except healthy foods. Put limits on where they eat--i.e. not in the family room, not in the bedroom, all meals in the kitchen--that's okay if it's done as a household rule that applies to everyone. Adult child? No. They are an adult, and you get no say unless they ask. A spouse? Seriously? I know I'm fat, and my husband knows I'm fat. He still isn't going to harp on my weight unless I am complaining about it. Then it's fair game for him to say, "I saw this article on the internet about XYZ weight management issue, and you might find it interesting. Want me to send it to you?" or maybe, "I wanted to start walking more. Do you want to join me?" But unsolicited comments about my weight by anyone will be met with a death stare. I had a phone call a couple of days ago from friends, a retired couple. He suffers with SAD and has put on a LOT of weight since Christmas, to the point where he was just sitting in bed most of the time, and couldn't walk out into the garden without puffing. He refused to get help. She finally called their daughter who is a doctor, and their DD came over to check him out. He ended up in hospital being treated for heart failure and atrial fibrillation. He lost 35 lbs in water retention. It wasn't "just" depression and over-eating as they had thought. That was the story that was in my head when I typed my answer. Doing something about a spouse's health isn't always a hard no, even if it appears to present as a weight issue. |
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Post by myboysnme on Mar 8, 2021 12:39:46 GMT
Wow! Thank you! You are so sweet. I can say it changed my close relationship with my cousin, even after her apology. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 8, 2021 12:54:56 GMT
How hard is it to build each other up rather than tear each other down? Express interest in HER and not her weight.
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,803
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Mar 8, 2021 14:05:02 GMT
If they're so concerned about her, why don't they offer her comfort and love instead of comments about her appearance?
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
Enter your message here...
Posts: 4,053
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Post by Olan on Mar 8, 2021 14:27:24 GMT
The spin this took 😏
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Post by Legacy Girl on Mar 8, 2021 19:11:49 GMT
Tough. I'm also on the MYOB bench. However since this person is going to be visiting then there would only be healthy food on offer and the number of family walks and training sessions would be seriously increased for said person to join. This comes across as manipulative/controlling -- as if to say "If they're coming to visit me, they'll be shaping up (pun intended) and implementing good habits." If you do these things for yourself on a regular basis and you offer them the opportunity to join in that's one thing, but if you're creating your own boot camp for the other person's benefit, ("family walks and training sessions would be seriously increased"), that's inserting yourself where you don't belong, IMHO. And if those goals are your top priority for your time together, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't receive any future visits from your loved one. |
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Post by gizzy on Mar 9, 2021 2:49:35 GMT
((( gizzy ))). Please shake off the shame, sister. You don’t deserve it. Thank you so much, you're so sweet! |
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Mar 10, 2021 1:32:27 GMT
I’d absolutely mind my own business. And tell the rest of the biddies to do the same. How rude!
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,249
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Mar 10, 2021 4:13:37 GMT
I'm going to visit my son whom I haven't seen in almost 2 years. I've gained a lot of weight during that time and I'm ashamed of it but still going. I know he'll notice and I know how I look. Part of me wants to not go because I'm ashamed but I am going and I will try to do a little bit before I leave. Trust me, if he said something I would be mortified.
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Post by Legacy Girl on Mar 10, 2021 20:21:56 GMT
I'm going to visit my son whom I haven't seen in almost 2 years. I've gained a lot of weight during that time and I'm ashamed of it but still going. I know he'll notice and I know how I look. Part of me wants to not go because I'm ashamed but I am going and I will try to do a little bit before I leave. Trust me, if he said something I would be mortified. Please don't be ashamed, and don't let the extra pounds ruin even one moment of your anticipation and time with your son. This has been such a difficult year for everyone. I know he'll just be thankful to see you, so please give yourself plenty of grace and enjoy. |
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Post by papersilly on Mar 10, 2021 20:52:46 GMT
discussing weight is one of those personal things that either 1) you have a close enough relationship that you can be candid or 2) not close enough that you shouldn't say anything at all. i don't think there is an in-between and most people fall under #2
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,122
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Mar 10, 2021 22:35:19 GMT
What makes you think that this person doesn't realize they have gained weight? They are an adult and there is no appropriate way to discuss this with them. You can ask a general "how are you handling the pandemic" and that's it. If you all really care about them, do not bring up their weight.
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