kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305 
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 7, 2021 18:39:24 GMT
The pandemic and subsequent lock downs has done a number on a close family member and they have packed on a serious amount of weight. There has been some discussion as to how best to offer support and help to this person, but it all just seems so awkward. Has there ever been a successful "how about we work together to get your health back" discussion without a major explosion? EDIT: Sorry, I posted then got caught up in a different project and was pulled away from the computer. It's become a topic because said person was scheduled for a visit here and it seemed a perfect time for an "intervention" except that the people concerned the most were just hoping I'd do the deed during the visit. Yeah, no thanks. Her weight is not my problem. I know she's struggling, as most are during this time, and I am more concerned about that. where the mind is, the body follows. When I said to the crew MYOB, they were all "but don't you care?" its my opinion that if they're so concerned, they should do what they want me to do - butt in.  but I"m not interested Family. So fun. |
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Post by myshelly on Mar 7, 2021 18:41:46 GMT
The person knows they have put on weight, they don’t need another person to tell them.
When and if they want help, they will ask.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,885
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 7, 2021 18:42:28 GMT
No. There is literally, absolutely no way to bring this up. Please don't. Please, I beg you, don't. If you think they don't realize it? You're mistaken. Please, as a person who had parents who were clearly unhappy with my weight, it has affected me for my entire life.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Mar 7, 2021 18:43:09 GMT
In your example I would say nothing. Obviously the person knows they have gained weight. And I'd stop discussing them with other family members as well. That will never stay secret and will never end well.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 7, 2021 18:44:15 GMT
In the household? Buy healthier food and do active activities or if you want to lose weight too, ask the person to be your accountability person without the expectation they do it too.
Outside the household, don't involve food in everything and do active activities.
As a fat person, I know I am fat. I don't need you to tell me.
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Post by leannec on Mar 7, 2021 18:44:54 GMT
Don't say a word ... it would never end well  |
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Post by lucyg on Mar 7, 2021 18:45:36 GMT
What everyone else said. Just don’t.
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,407
Location: Dallas Texas
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Post by SabrinaP on Mar 7, 2021 18:46:12 GMT
Believe me they know. If you have other concerns for their mental health, maybe you can bring that up, but not just their weight.
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Post by peano on Mar 7, 2021 18:46:39 GMT
As someone with lifelong weight issues, my advice to you is focus on yourself. I find that when I start wanting to micromanage other people's lives, I'm avoiding looking at myself and my own issues.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Mar 7, 2021 18:47:52 GMT
You don’t. It really isn’t your place to tell someone you’ve noticed they’ve gained weight. They know. Nobody wants anyone else’s concern trolling. And especially not if you are at a normal weight, that just reads as fat shaming
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,898
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Mar 7, 2021 18:48:00 GMT
^^What they said, unless it's your spouse, or your child whose food and exercise you have some control over.
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Post by Zee on Mar 7, 2021 18:48:25 GMT
I personally would just leave it alone.
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Post by mollycoddle on Mar 7, 2021 18:50:40 GMT
I’m sure that you mean well, but this is a bad idea. People know when they have gained weight, and pointing this out, no matter how good the intentions, will only shame them and make them feel worse.
ETA: I gained quite a bit of weight at one point when I was in college. My dad’s business partner(!)pulled me aside and told me that I was too pretty to let myself get fat.😞 I know that he meant well, but it wasn’t helpful, made me feel terrible, and I never forgot it.
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Post by chaosisapony on Mar 7, 2021 18:52:47 GMT
Don't. This is a bad idea. As an overweight person I am aware I am overweight. The very last thing I need is someone bringing it up like I don't know. My family always has people sticking their noses into other people's business because they "care about their health". It's infuriating and just makes me want to spend less time with them.
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Post by MichyM on Mar 7, 2021 18:58:44 GMT
The pandemic and subsequent lock downs has done a number on a close family member and they have packed on a serious amount of weight. There has been some discussion as to how best to offer support and help to this person, but it all just seems so awkward. Has there ever been a successful "how about we work together to get your health back" discussion without a major explosion? No no, no, no and no. Please just don't. Additionally, please try and talk any other well-meaning person from doing so as well. Full stop. |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Mar 7, 2021 18:58:49 GMT
Just adding to the pea chorus of “they know, say nothing”.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,885
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 7, 2021 19:01:10 GMT
please kibblesandbits, please come back and tell us you aren't going to do this and you are going to actively dissuade the others you've been gossiping with against doing this. You will damage this person. You will not be helping them. I know you think you will, but I swear to God, you will not.
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Post by belgravia on Mar 7, 2021 19:01:31 GMT
I can’t even believe you would consider having such a conversation. I guess if they ask for your advice you can offer it, but unless or until that happens, STFU.
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Post by gizzy on Mar 7, 2021 19:02:29 GMT
As someone who went into a deep depression and has gained weight during this pandemic, the last thing they need is someone telling them they've gained. They know it and have most likely added this on top of what else is bothering them. It's hard enough to crawl back out from this without being shamed.
As freecharlie said, offer up healthier snacks and plan activities that don't involve food.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Mar 7, 2021 19:04:56 GMT
((( gizzy))). Please shake off the shame, sister. You don’t deserve it. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 3, 2024 11:17:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2021 19:07:37 GMT
Wow, you can't possibly think it's a good idea to bring this up? And stop discussing them behind their backs, what a bitchy thing to do.
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Post by pierkiss on Mar 7, 2021 19:07:49 GMT
What are you hoping to achieve by pointing this out to them? They already know they have put on weight. They either don’t care, are already upset about it, or are actively doing something to help combat it. Whatever the answer is, you pointing out to them that they are now fat, isn’t going to go over well. I just wouldn’t mention it.
The most I would do is offer to start a walking club with this person and a few other friends if you are close. Otherwise no, I wouldn’t touch this subject.
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Post by Merge on Mar 7, 2021 19:12:51 GMT
Add me to the list of people saying don’t do it. And that would include if the person is a spouse or child.
What you can do, if the person is in your household, is to do the grocery shopping and make sure there are lots of healthy options and healthy meals being prepared. But for the love of god, don’t say anything.
And for your own education, weight is not the only marker of health or even the best one. Focus on nourishment and physical fitness, not weight.
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Post by librarylady on Mar 7, 2021 19:14:54 GMT
The person knows they have put on weight, they don’t need another person to tell them. When and if they want help, they will ask. This ^^^ a thousand times this ^^^^
Really, you think a person does not notice the weight gain?
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
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Post by my3freaks on Mar 7, 2021 19:18:30 GMT
That's a hard no.
In this kind of scenario, telling someone you're worried about their health just comes across as a passive aggressive way to point out that they've gained weight. They know. They probably already feel badly about it, and having someone point it out is embarrassing and hurtful.
There may be reasons that you aren't aware of for the weight gain, and maybe they've already talked to their doctor about it. Several years ago, I took a medication that made me gain weight. Didn't matter what I ate or did, I just continued to gain weight. When I saw relatives who I hadn't seen in a while, I'm sure they talked amongst themselves about it, but I would have been devastated if any of them had took it upon themselves to talk to me about my health or weight. I knew better than anyone, and I was already spiraling because of it. I also worked with my doctor to get off that med, but had to do it slowly and find an alternative.
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Post by compeateropeator on Mar 7, 2021 19:18:37 GMT
Another that is YELLING don’t do it. They know. You are not helping or being supportive. If they bring it up or ask for help that is a completely different situation.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 7, 2021 19:18:41 GMT
Hopefully the person has a pcp and that person might broach the subject with them.
I gained 30 lbs in 3 months 3 different times all pretty much due to my thyroid going wonky and being over medicated. Each time I have fought it back down until this time and even after losing those 30 lbs (which would take way longer than 3 months) I am overweight.
Thank goodness dh doesn't talk shit about me packing on the pounds. It is hard enough knowing I hate how all my clothes fit.
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Post by peatlejuice on Mar 7, 2021 19:41:12 GMT
The pandemic and subsequent lock downs has done a number on a close family member and they have packed on a serious amount of weight. There has been some discussion as to how best to offer support and help to this person, but it all just seems so awkward. Has there ever been a successful "how about we work together to get your health back" discussion without a major explosion? I'm interpreting this as follows (and I'm a neutral outside observer, so imagine how it would hit to said close family member): "The pandemic and subsequent lock downs has done a number on a close family member. Instead of being concerned about their mental well-being, the family is focused on the fact that this person is fat now. We want to make them be skinny again, but we don't know how to bring it up without them getting upset." The reason it seems awkward is because it is. You aren't trying to support your family member's lockdown struggles, you're trying to make them "look pretty". The best support looks past the packaging and focuses on the person. |
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Post by Really Red on Mar 7, 2021 19:46:14 GMT
I’m guessing this is either your spouse or your child, because otherwise you would know that you can’t say anything. Surprisingly, you still can’t say anything. It will sit with them forever. If you say some thing they will never ever forget it.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,085
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Mar 7, 2021 19:49:02 GMT
^^What they said, unless it's your spouse, or your child whose food and exercise you have some control over. Not even then. A minor child? Limit what they eat by not buying anything except healthy foods. Put limits on where they eat--i.e. not in the family room, not in the bedroom, all meals in the kitchen--that's okay if it's done as a household rule that applies to everyone. Adult child? No. They are an adult, and you get no say unless they ask. A spouse? Seriously? I know I'm fat, and my husband knows I'm fat. He still isn't going to harp on my weight unless I am complaining about it. Then it's fair game for him to say, "I saw this article on the internet about XYZ weight management issue, and you might find it interesting. Want me to send it to you?" or maybe, "I wanted to start walking more. Do you want to join me?" But unsolicited comments about my weight by anyone will be met with a death stare. |
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but I"m not interested 
