|
Post by pmm on Mar 25, 2021 19:01:57 GMT
However, spelling it out all at once, like you have here, without them having any input, may feel overwhelming. This is true. I will consider it. I just know that my DS is difficult to negotiate with. He has high-functioning autism. He's got a really sharp mind but he has a very hard time accepting things he doesn't like. I always joked and said I would never be one of those parents who just said, "because I said so." That I would always give a reasonable explanation. However, with this kid, I have had to say, that's just the way it is, I've made my decision and there's no negotiations. Because he has a hard time wrapping his brain around anything that doesn't jive with what he believes is right. Since he has a hard time accepting things he doesn't like, I would make out a time line. On x date x will happen. Then in 6 months, x will happen. Give him a little time to adjust with each change. I also would talk to each of them privately and ask for input from them. It's hard making changes, I feel for you. In some respects I'm in a similar situation.
|
|
|
Post by kokomo on Mar 25, 2021 19:02:19 GMT
Well, I too have just skimmed over some of the responses you have received.I agree with you that it’s time to cut back . Give them a timeline that works for you. They need to take responsibility for there actions and if they choose not to go further with their education then they need to learn to support themselves. If you have shared this opinion with them before, it should not come as a surprise to them . One of my 3 children has his struggles . I have taken him in 3 times over the last 9 years. Last Oct was the last straw. We were crystal clear . He was 29, and bright but made poor decisions. No longer do we pay for anything and I am ok with it. He is doing well, has a job,a place to live and is in a stable relationship. It’s too hurtful to talk about the past and he knows I will not support him again .
So as much as you would like to cut them off now, don’t be too surprised if they do have a crisis and you need to pick up the pieces.. It took me until he was 29 to finally say no, I just can’t do it again and not feel guilty.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 19:04:42 GMT
So as much as you would like to cut them off now, don’t be too surprised if they do have a crisis and you need to pick up the pieces. I'm sorry for your experience but I thank you for it. I totally see that this is a possibility.
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Mar 25, 2021 19:06:21 GMT
Both of my kids lived in the dorm for a year and then preferred to live at home while in college. My oldest went two years and then decided he didn't know what he really wanted to do, so he went to work for a construction company who puts in fiber optics. He lived here and saved for a house. We did not charge him rent. Much of the time he worked out of town and was only home on the weekends. We told him it was silly for him to be paying $1200 for a one bedroom apartment he would only be in 8 days a month. He saved for a few years and put about 1/3 down on a house when he turned 24. He paid for his bills other than room and board. Second kid moved in with his brother when brother bought his house and we paid rent for him since he was still in college. Worked out well for both kids. They got to enjoy living on their own without all of the expense of being fully independent. Youngest son got an excellent job in Denver and continued to live with brother while he continued to save for a house and commute. He bought a house a year ago tomorrow with his fiancé and they are doing just fine. He paid all of his own bills once graduated.
I don't think there is an easy answer for you. Yes, you could easily say you're done and have them both go totally independent. And maybe you should. I think I would set a date you think is appropriate and let the kids wrap their heads around it and start planning for their futures. For me, it was easier to let them live here rent free because we knew they wanted to move out and become independent and so they were both very good savers. Had I felt they weren't doing this, I would have changed my approach.
|
|
smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,364
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
|
Post by smcast on Mar 25, 2021 19:07:55 GMT
I don't have an adult child quite yet. I would have them reimburse you for the cell phone bill and keep them on your health insurance. I would not be paying for rent, animals, or cars. They know you are there if they get in a bind. I have no tolerance for being jobless if you're able to work. You do what you have to do. We all make choices. Personally, if you don't go to college, options are limited. As to timelines, that's a personal decision. I'm pretty black and white on working full time or college after high school. If you are financially independent, I don't care if you work part or full time then.
|
|
sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
|
Post by sharlag on Mar 25, 2021 19:15:44 GMT
It seems like you have been helping them based on their individual needs, and have recognized that their abilities have evolved. It's great that you've been able to do that, and I'm in a similar position.
I'm still helping DS *age 24* who just last year found that miracle (to me) medication to help him with his bipolar depression. Before the med, I was supporting him almost 100%. He's driving a car that I paid for, and I still insure. He's on my cellphone plan and health insurance. Other than that, he's supporting himself now. working full time at a liquor store, sharing living expenses with his girlfriend.
DD age 26 has recently started to buy her own health insurance. She's been working full time, and switched jobs so that she could get health insurance at age 26 She also just paid off a big medical bill. She doesn't spend frivolously. I recently asked her to start reimbursing me for her car insurance. She drives a car that I paid for (a Bolt? that runs on electricity,) and it plugs in at my house, where she lives, so she has no gas expense. It's mutually beneficial for us to live together, because she helps with the dogs when I am gone. I enjoy having her there, but recognize that my convenience isn't as important as her becoming independent.
I think a written schedule of the items you are currently paying for, with a calendar showing the amounts and months you're withdrawing that support, is a good idea. It's hard when you've got kids who have had above average struggles. They do need more support, and maybe, as Cindy mentioned, that whole generation is dealing with different economic demands than we did at their age.
At some point, we parents need to deal with caring for our future, our retirements, and some fun.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 30, 2024 18:38:14 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2021 19:25:44 GMT
I think what you are offering is reasonable. My only suggestion, considering we are in a pandemic, is extend financial help until a certain age for BOTH children, say age 23 or 24. Set X-amount of dollars you can help and each child gets to determine how they want to use the funding you are providing - vet care, rent subsidy, etc. They need to learn about options, choices, and deadlines. If cell phone costs are minimal - say like $20/month - I would keep them on the plan for one year beyond the previous suggestion in the paragraph above. I agree with your for their medical care - I am keeping my kids on my insurance plan for as long as they need until they get something better or they have to find their own options at age 26. They know age 26 is their magic age and they need to plan and execute right now (I'm talking mostly about my 21 year old here) to prepare for a job/career/etc. that will allow them to stand on their own two feet. FYI - This statement depends on the kid either working a full time job or going to school/working part time. If said kid is sitting on their butt all day the timelines would be accelerated. My oldest was wishy-washy with her life direction until her dad and I set learning and working conditions along with specific age deadlines for parental support. She got really busy after that knowing our ground rules were serious. As for living arrangements - I would have to do that on a case-by-case basis.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 19:29:43 GMT
At some point, we parents need to deal with caring for our future, our retirements, and some fun. And I'm being totally honest here, I have put forth the idea that since I would like her out on her own in August and his lease is ending in August that I would help them get a two bedroom apartment for both of them to share. They get along great. They are used to living together. DS would totally help with DD's dog. And between the two of them, they have enough living items to furnish their own apartment since they've both lived independently at times. I am 110% on board with that idea. And I'm just going to say it, I love my children dearly. Parenting them the past 7 years has been difficult to put it mildly. I would rather pay half their rent on a two bedroom apartment than have them both back living at home for *my* mental health. So I'm not totally opposed to helping where I can. But I would like to see them both put in effort and try to make things work before I come rescue them. I really don't believe they need me to rescue them. DD is doing better. I have full faith that by August she will be ready to go. I feel like I need to light a fire under him right now so he's prepared to live on his own after his lease is up. She came home as a last resort. She was being evicted and had no where else to go and was a huge wreck. He wants to come home because he wants me to take care of him. It's a comfort thing with him. I just know it is.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 30, 2024 18:38:14 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2021 19:32:37 GMT
I'm in a situation where the 18 yr old has signed up for the military and is leaving next month for training. Up to that day, we're taking care of everything. His car is technically ours but he pays his portion of the insurance. We have taken care of the major maintenance but he had to pay for the oil change, a flat tire repair, and gas. We pay for his cell and have offered to keep him on our plan until he's ready to take on his own plan. The car insurance will be suspended while he's gone. We'll sell it later and give him the cash to use towards a new car (it's a beater and shouldn't be driven on long drives).
The oldest is wishy washy about college. He doesn't like the online stuff. He's applying for an apprenticeship and should know in May or June if he gets it. Once he's doing that and has health insurance, he's off ours. He owns his car but his insurance is under ours (saved him over $100/month) and he pays is for his share. His cell is also on our plan.
We have said by the time you're 21, if you're not in school, you should be paying for more of your bills. If oldest chooses to move out, he's on his own but we'll keep an open door if he needs to come back. DH doesn't agree with me, but I'm sure I'll find a way to give both of them gift cards they can use to buy groceries or gas for a while.
My parents eased us into paying our own bills as we gradually became independent. However, once we were married, all we got was cash at Christmas. No subsidized bills. My mom used to slip me a 50 here and there when she knew DH and I were having our leanest years.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 30, 2024 18:38:14 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2021 19:35:47 GMT
I just wanted to give you virtual hugs! I am nearing the adult stage with my teens (18 and 16) and I'm sure it will be an adjustment. I love your plan - it is well thought out and a good balance of adulting and help for a bit longer. I think you are doing great!
|
|
peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
|
Post by peaname on Mar 25, 2021 19:39:07 GMT
My opinion is it’s your money and you can choose what you do with it. You don’t owe adult children anything. You are allowed to help one and not another not give a reason. Some adults need more help than others and some are so independent they won’t accept help. And then there are parents who will eat dog food in order to give their kids caviar. Don’t let anyone judge you you sound like a wonderful mom!
|
|
|
Post by crimsoncat05 on Mar 25, 2021 19:42:17 GMT
I would ask your kids, what are their long term plans? what are they doing to get to that point? what do they want to do with their lives? I have asked these questions repeatedly. And I always get the same answers. They have grandiose plans but neither one of them is taking the steps necessary to get there. Both of my kids are fully aware of the steps necessary to do so. In addition I discussed this with my own therapist and she gave me a resource group for young adults with disabilities. It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses and neither of them will take advantage of this program. Basically wheels are spinning and going nowhere. There's no end in sight to my level of support because nobody seems to want to put in the effort necessary to change things. they might change their minds about taking advantage of this program if they were on their own. Or faced with a *real* deadline of BEING on their own. If you've been supporting them, then they don't have any incentive to want to change. re: what you said about your daughter and the vet bills... that may have blindsided her a bit if she thinks of the dog as a family member. Kind of like: "what? you're not going to help pay for medical care for one of our family members any more?!?" sort of thing. I'm not saying you should keep paying for it; just trying to give you a different perspective on why she might have been disappointed in your decision. I know that my DH and I have different opinions about what we would consider 'necessary' care and expense for one of our pets (we have 6), but in the end, we have to be somewhat practical. For example, we could have spent thousands of dollars treating our dog's brain tumor, but it wouldn't have given her much longer with us, anyway. Did we feel horrible thinking about it like that? Yes, of course we did. But we had to be realistic with what we could spend, and what we'd get in return. We don't really *budget* for pet expenses, but we DO understand that a certain percentage of our income will be going to pet medical / boarding, and we make sure we have enough on hand for an emergency if it comes up. Your daughter needs to think about the costs involved paying for the dog solely on her own and figure out how to save that money to have it on hand when needed. eta: You mentioned a program to help them do this and they are not interested. Maybe that is the key. For each month they are in the program, they earn that support from you. Your money is tied to their success in the program. Maybe worth considering. Something like this is a GREAT idea!
|
|
brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
|
Post by brandy327 on Mar 25, 2021 19:45:18 GMT
It would take a lot for me to refuse to let them live with me. They always have a home here. I never thought I would be a sink or swim parent. I still most likely would rescue if I felt they were truly sinking. But right now, I feel both of them are making choices not to swim. And that's what I'm having a hard time with. If they were willing to do the program my therapist suggested, I would be more patient with them. If they were actually trying to go to college, I would be more patient. Nobody is making any move to improve the situation. And so, I'm left feeling like I'm parenting adults who are behaving like they're 13. It was easier with DD. She wants to be out on her own. She has a solid work history. I know she has money. Maybe not great money, but she has money. I let her come back here because she was drowning in her mental health. But now she's seeing a psychiatrist and starting to take meds and there's been improvement. I feel like August is very doable for her. And with her not paying me any rent money, then she can absolutely afford her dog's vet care. DS is a wildcard. I feel like he's being lazy. I feel totally taken advantage of. And I have to watch him that he doesn't play the mental health card. Because he can use his diagnoses to manipulate my heartstrings. But he needs to step up. This is not the position I saw myself in ten years ago. I have a Masters Degree. Higher education was always talked about. My kids always saw me working and taking care of business on my own. They have seen that I don't let my mental health get in the way of me taking care of myself or them. I feel like I've provided all I can at this point in terms of emotional and financial support. They need to help themselves. In your specific situation, I'd probably do the same. Making the choice to not swim - not ok. And I'm almost positive I'd do the same. My ds tends to be very motivated... although I don't know if I'd say motivated is the right word. It's basically he makes up his mind up about something and does it, no matter how difficult. I'm hopeful this will serve him the same way in college. Good luck, my friend. I'll be thinking of you and hoping it works out well for you/them.
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Mar 25, 2021 20:04:59 GMT
I'd give him more than one month notice on cutting off the $200. Perhaps until August when his lease is up so that he can either save that 200 or figure out how to replace it when it isn't in an emergency right now situation That was my thought, too.
|
|
|
Post by smalltowngirlie on Mar 25, 2021 20:09:59 GMT
I know many peas may not agree with our situation, but it is what is working for us. DS just got his career type job. It has full benefits and is a livable wage, and is related to his major from college. We have made some financial mistakes in the past and have explained to DS that we want him to learn from our mistakes. So here is what we are comfortable with.
He is living with us. He pays us some for rent and his car insurance. The car is in our name and we know if it was transferred to him the insurance would jump significantly because he is a young male. He has no accidents and 1 ticket, but it would still jump big time. He is responsible for all car maintenance.
We have emphasized that he focuses on paying off his student loans. He is able to pay more than the monthly payment so they should be gone soon. His grandparent co-signed one so we want it paid off.
We were paying for his cell phone, but he wanted a better phone and plan so he got it himself. We said we would not upgrade for him.
Now that he has his own insurance he is responsible for all his medical and dental bills.
|
|
|
Post by cakediva on Mar 25, 2021 20:12:52 GMT
My kids are 25, 23 and about to be 20. 25 year old is doing her second Masters and moved back home in December after a breakup with her girlfriend (lived together 2 years). 23 year old moved home last May temporarily, until she got a new job (her contract had ended) and they found an apartment. Her boyfriend came with her and he was planning to go back to school in September. THey are still living with us. She only just got a job last month and he is in school. We told them to stay until he is done school and they both have stable jobs so they can afford something on their own. DS is in college and just moved away for school in January. We do not pay anything for any of them - we buy DS groceries when he's home to take back to his place 2 hours away. They all pay their own car insurance and cell phones. DS is the only one with a car, it is paid for. The girls are both occasional on my insurance and they pay their part. We do not charge the girls rent. They do chip in for groceries here and there as well. So the support is a roof over their heads
|
|
|
Post by scrapmaven on Mar 25, 2021 20:17:06 GMT
I'm not the best one to ask, because my situation is different. My kids are graduating and going on to grad school. We pay everything and will continue to do so as long as they are in school. When they graduate we'll probably help them get on their feet w/security deposits, first and last for apartments, but all expenses will be theirs. Both kids had part time jobs until COVID.
We let them both know that if they chose not to go to college then they would be responsible for all expenses, including rent. The plan was to put that money into an account for them to use for a down payment on something at a later date. However, they both wanted to go to college. Since your kids want to work, instead I would ease them off of the payroll. Give them time to figure out their monthly budget and then set a deadline. I think August is a reasonable amount of time for your ds to get his stuff in order. He can find new roommates or a new job. If you want to pay for him to play video games I'm sure he's willing to take the free ride. However, this is the real world and in the real world you work, you get paid, you have a roof over your head. If you play video games all day then you move into a tent city. Sorry, Charlie. Give him 60 days to get on his feet. That is plenty of time. Same with your dd. Of course, this comes w/the caveat that they will always have your love and emotional support and you will always have their backs, just not financially. When they don't have a choice they'll get it together and do what needs to be done.
Your a great mom. You'll do right by your kids, once again.
|
|
|
Post by supersoda on Mar 25, 2021 20:25:17 GMT
I have no great advice, so I'm just going to validate you because I feel this post so much.
I don't think hard and fast rules apply in most cases and that includes raising kids. Kids are different, times are different, environments are different. I always joked with my kids that it was "18 and out," but of course it's not. We're trying to gradually wean them while they're in college, but I feel like we've spectacularly failed with my 22 y.o.
She graduated college last year, in the middle of the pandemic, and all of her plans were shot to hell. So she's been back home, and we've been pushing her to come up with new plans while continuing to support her. She's working full time, but it's a temporary "intern" position that renews quarterly. Not exactly what she was looking for post-college, but it could turn full time and she loves the job.
We've been having discussions about moving out, but she's worried that her job will go away. We told her we would be a safety net if that happened. Then a promising roommate situation fell apart and she's socially awkward and depressed and feeling friendless and just kind of fragile.
She's a good kid and responsible with her money but I would REALLY like her to move out. It's just so hard to navigate with mental health issues plus the current environment. I don't think an ultimatum is the right move for her, but I don't have a good plan to help her move forward.
|
|
|
Post by chaosisapony on Mar 25, 2021 20:31:56 GMT
I don't think you are being too harsh at all. I think the key is setting a date and letting them know well in advance what your plan is as of that date. They can then take the steps they need to.
While I don't have kids I can say my mom's rules were that I could live at home rent free and grocery money free while I was in school. I paid for all of my own college expenses. Once I was done with college she did not charge me rent as long as I was saving money. She paid for my car insurance and cell phone.
I moved out at 24 and was able to purchase a condo since I had money saved. It was a stress financially since we were in the recession and wages were not good during that time. She continued to pay for my car insurance and cell phone until I was 28. During those few years I'd also receive random bags of groceries here and there as well as gifts like "If you want HBO I'll pay for it for a year" for my birthday. I have always been responsible for my own animal's veterinary care but I do know that if something catastrophic happened to one of them she would have helped me.
|
|
|
Post by Mel on Mar 25, 2021 20:37:14 GMT
My older two kids live with ex-H. Simply for convenience, no animosity. LOL DS is a "disabled adult". He has Asperger's syndrome. He has a part-time job and also gets disability. His Dad makes him buy his own groceries if there is something he wants/needs beyond what his Dad cooks(or orders out lol), and he pays the water bill. I think he also pays for his own phone but is on his Dad's family plan. He doesn't drive or have a car, he walks pretty much everywhere that he needs to go/be since they live in town. Ex carries all of the kids on his insurance per the divorce. We have guardianship of DS with him having input into any major decisions that would involve him (medical and/or financial). He wouldn't go to college. He is almost 26.
DD is completely the opposite. She is still on his insurance, and he pays her phone bill and her car insurance. She is away at school and comes home a few weekends a semester. SO & I helped her get her car but she paid the majority of the purchase of it. SO does her maintenance and repairs and we pay for the parts. She has taken out one loan for school but gets financial aid for the rest(or scholarships). She will graduate in December (thanks Covid!). Once she is out of school, she will be working and paying her own bills because it's pretty likely she won't be living near enough to live at "home". She is going to be a teacher. She is 23.
|
|
|
Post by cannmom on Mar 25, 2021 21:25:16 GMT
That seems reasonable to me. Our DS is almost 21 and still in school. We support him 100% but do require him to have a job to pay for some things on his own. We are also having him pay us for 10% of his college cost. He will have no student debt when he graduates because we have paid for his education out of pocket, but we wanted him to bear some responsibility for the the cost. If your children aren't in school and want to be considered adult there is no reason not to have full time jobs and work at paying their own way. I have always said you never realize how much your parents do for you until you have to do it yourself.
Do they have an idea of what they want to do with their life? Being forced to be more independent may help them to look harder at what they want out of life.
|
|
Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,039
Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
|
Post by Gennifer on Mar 25, 2021 21:34:29 GMT
I think that every family is different, and I wouldn’t presume to tell someone that what works for me and my family is what they should do. But, I’m happy to give you a peek into my family and what we do.
Beginning at 14 (when they get their first job), my kids pay half of their phone line, which is $25/month. That continues until high school graduation, at which point they pay the full amount. We give them their first phone, but any upgrade or replacement is on them completely.
We provide them with a car to drive, including maintenance, but gas and insurance is on them... When we’ve had two licensed drivers sharing one car, they split the insurance/gas.
My kids are allowed to live in my home, free, as long as they would like to. We won’t charge rent, and they will be expected to contribute by cleaning, etc. Once they move out, they are on their own, we do not subsidize rent. If their circumstances change and they need to move back in, that is always an option. (I confess, if they weren’t going to school and/or working I’m not sure I would be as amenable.)
We will keep them on our insurance as long as possible, but after they move out they pay for their own medications and medical visit copays.
|
|
kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,560
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
|
Post by kate on Mar 25, 2021 21:36:54 GMT
It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses Can you tell me more about this? I have a kid who would benefit greatly, I think. Thank you for sharing your dilemma. I can see myself in your shoes all too soon. For me, it's so hard to know how much I can expect from this kid. Part of me thinks playing hardball wouldn't help (and then, how could I ever forgive myself?), but part of me thinks hardball is the only wise choice. Thank you for making me think about this before I'm too far into it to back out.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 21:45:17 GMT
It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses Can you tell me more about this? I have a kid who would benefit greatly, I think. Thank you for sharing your dilemma. I can see myself in your shoes all too soon. For me, it's so hard to know how much I can expect from this kid. Part of me thinks playing hardball wouldn't help (and then, how could I ever forgive myself?), but part of me thinks hardball is the only wise choice. Thank you for making me think about this before I'm too far into it to back out. Are you in Michigan? The program is through the state. www.michigan.gov/leo/0,5863,7-336-94422_97702---,00.html
|
|
|
Post by melodyesch on Mar 25, 2021 22:24:17 GMT
He is living with us. He pays us some for rent and his car insurance. The car is in our name and we know if it was transferred to him the insurance would jump significantly because he is a young male. He has no accidents and 1 ticket, but it would still jump big time. He is responsible for all car maintenance. I don’t have kids but one of my coworkers has this same arrangement with their adult son. I think there’s nothing at all wrong with this since it’s a mutual decision. The sons pays rent and part of the other bills and is a contributing member of the household as far as maintenance and upkeep goes. And they enjoy having him there. I think where it’s a problem is when the parents are taking care of the adult because the adult child is unwilling (not unable) to step up and be an adult. Then the parents are being taken advantage of.
|
|
|
Post by ameslou on Mar 25, 2021 22:28:00 GMT
How about a family therapist who can act as a neutral third party to help guide the conversation(s)?
The only thing I have to add beyond that suggestion is to share that my BIL (mid 50s) has a chronic, progressive disease that he's studiously been denying for years. Well, he finally reached a crisis situation and can no longer live alone, and is now in an "independent living" facility. It's expensive enough that he's no longer going to be able to give his mid 20s daughter her regular allowance. She FLIPPED OUT. It was like pulling the rug out from under her, and she doesn't have a plan for how to replace the cash flow. His situation is unavoidable and completely expected - but they apparently never had an honest conversation about it. I bring this up in part to suggest encourage you that you're on the right path .. because at some point you might not be able to keep doing for them the way you have.
Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Mar 25, 2021 22:58:12 GMT
I think each family has their own needs. My kids are 25 and 26. The 25 year old will be off my insurance this year. I pay for both their cell phones because we went in together on a new plan that was cheaper than our old one. One kid pays his part every month. DD is more strapped so she pays when she can. She isn't working full time at the moment but graduating from college in May. Then after her Master's degree.. I don't mind paying her phone since she is knee deep in school. She pays everything else with no help. Mortgage, bills, pets, car.. so I don't mind helping in this way. Both kids are very responsible and never really ask for help. My mom helped us out when I lost my job and used my 401k to save our house. If it wasn't for her we would have lost our home. I paid her back every cent (or should I say I am still paying it... but it is getting close). I went over 20 years without help and she was able to.
So to me each situation is different. If they are using you, the cord needs to be cut. But if they truly need it, I don't see that it hurts to help as long as it isn't a habit.
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Mar 25, 2021 22:59:19 GMT
I think your plan is good and well thought out. I think you are a very good mom and want to do what's best for your children. I may give your son a few more months of help, but you know what works best for your children. I hope everything works out well for all of you. It's hard when we have to be tough on our kids, but we have their best interests in mind.
|
|
PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,763
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
|
Post by PLurker on Mar 25, 2021 23:00:32 GMT
While I don't think it's one size fits all as far as adult kids go, I think you are doing well. Why? Because you are thoughtful about it and as best I can tell, not knowing you IRL, you are a kind person who obviously isn't taking this lightly. You're a good mom and will do the best you can/see fit. That's all that can be asked of you.
I could tell you the whats and whys I did for each of my 2 but it would differ from you as "different lives.". Heck, my handling of my 2 varied because they are so different. My statuses, married/divorced, financial situation and home location changed between the two so lots different. That being said, I'm doing what I think is best and fair to both them and me. I can only guess you are doing the same. Hugs
|
|
|
Post by **GypsyGirl** on Mar 25, 2021 23:24:46 GMT
Am I being too harsh? I discussed this with my dad and he thinks I should just put the hammer down right now and let all those things go and make the kids step up. He can be very convincing but he also has a tendency to be very harsh. So I'm trying to be diplomatic about the way I'm going about this. I'm appealing to the you like being independent and you are totally capable and you really don't need mom anymore arguments. So what say you? How did you broach independence with your adult children? I don't think you are being too harsh at all. You have laid out the upcoming expectations you have of them, as well as a timeline. Some kids, disability or no, need that extra push to become launched. We did a very similar thing with DD. She is ADD, as well as anxiety, and since childhood has always taken the path of least resistance, which many times means nothing happens if left to her own devices. We paid 100% of her college as well as a new car. Due to the extra hours of tutoring required by the program she was in (an excellent one for kids with learning diabilities), we did not ask her to work. When she graduated, we said she could come back home until she found a job. When she got a temporary full-time job, the gas card was taken back. The week she found a permanent job, DH took her to AT&T, bought out her plan and had her set up her own phone plan. After that, each month something else was pushed over to her to pay for (car insurance, vet care, etc). We did charge her rent monthly at what she would pay for an apartment in our area. We also told her we would be setting that money aside for her to move out on her own. One month she asked if she could skip her rent and catch up later. DH asked her what a landlord would do. She dropped that idea rather quickly! LOL! At six months in it was obvious she was doing little to contribute to the upkeep of the house and being considerate of others (coming in super late and waking us). At that point I gave her a deadline of her 1 year anniversary to be moved out - and started clamping down on the disrespect. She managed to find a place and a roommate, and moved out 2 months ahead of schedule. When she was laid off 18 months later and received about 5 months of unemployment. Her job hunting efforts were minimal at best. When the end was of those checks was getting close, she wanted to know if we'd help with her rent. Our response was that she was always welcome to move back home, but we would not assist with rent. It was quite amazing to see how quickly she put it in gear and landed a great job! She's still there 6 years later and has had a few promotions. So she was always capable, just needed that push and boundaries. Some kids need the structured approach with timelines to give them that push to leave the security of the nest and financial support. Just keep moving forward with your plan, setting those goals and deadlines. They - and you - will be fine!
|
|