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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 17:14:03 GMT
Both of my kids are adults. My DD will be turning 21 in May and DS will be 20 in October. Neither of my kids is in college.
DD moved out last year but she has returned home. She's hardly ever here preferring to spend the majority of her time at her boyfriend's apartment. I still have her on my cellphone plan, I provide a roof over her head, some food, and vet care for her dog.
DS moved out last summer. I give him $200 toward his rent each month, he's on my cellphone plan, I still own his car and pay for his car insurance. He is wishy washy on going to the community college. Sometimes he says he will register and sometimes he's like nah. His lease is up at the end of August and he has expressed he wants to come home.
I keep both kids under my health insurance and in the interest of making sure they care for their mental health I will continue to pay their medical bills and prescription expenses. That's a non-negotiable.
I told my DD today that I am expecting that she will have alternative living arrangements by the end of August. I also told her that I am no longer paying for her dogs vet care. She was receptive to the move out but was disappointed in the vet care situation. She clearly does not want to live in my home. So she's craving independence. But the idea that I wouldn't be taking care of her dog seemed overwhelming to her.
I am planning a talk with my DS about weening him off the payroll too. But I'm more worried about him because he's not as independent as she is. And quite frankly I've dragged his support out longer than I did hers.
So I'm thinking of telling him that he can't move back in with me when his lease is up. And that I'm cutting off his $200 a month rent subsidy beginning next month. I want to say that when his birthday comes around in October we will sign the car over to him and he will be responsible for registering it and insuring it. DD was off our insurance at 18 because she had car accident after car accident. So we made her responsible for her own choices.
I don't want to come across as petty so I'll continue to pay the cellphone bills for now. I would still like to get them responsible for their own cellphones by Christmas time. But I don't want to drop too many things on them at once.
I am at the point where I feel like if you aren't going to college, then it's on you to work full time and support yourself outside of my house. I'm willing to pay for two community college classes plus books a semester if they are interested in going. But I feel like it is time for them to stand on their own two feet and own their choices. And if the choice is no college, well then it's time to step up and support yourself.
If it makes a difference DD graduated in 2018 and he got his GED in 2019. So they've been out of high school for a while. And I've put up with having more than a gap year for both of them.
Am I being too harsh? I discussed this with my dad and he thinks I should just put the hammer down right now and let all those things go and make the kids step up. He can be very convincing but he also has a tendency to be very harsh. So I'm trying to be diplomatic about the way I'm going about this. I'm appealing to the you like being independent and you are totally capable and you really don't need mom anymore arguments.
So what say you? How did you broach independence with your adult children?
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Post by busy on Mar 25, 2021 17:23:59 GMT
I think that's all a reasonable starting point.
I do not have kids that age (and I personally was 100% supported by my parents through college, and then was 100% on my own), but I think I would use this as a discussion starter, not purely you dictating the terms. Of course it's within your bounds to do so - it's your money and they are legal adults and you have no obligation to continue to provide for them. However, spelling it out all at once, like you have here, without them having any input, may feel overwhelming.
Couch it in terms of what it does for them... increasing their responsibility gradually so they can become the independent adults they want to be. Negotiate timeframes. Maybe they will have different ideas of things that would help them move in this direction.
Again, it's absolutely within your rights to pull it all on whatever timeline you choose. But being more collaborative about it may lead to better results.
ETA: Remember that you created the situation by providing continuing support without a stated plan for when it was going to end. I'd bet you've been thinking about these changes for a while and while your timelines are not unreasonable, the kids need time both to adapt mentally to the loss of support, and to adapt financially. That's why I'd suggest working with them to seeing those target dates. And things do not have to be the same for both.
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by tracylynn on Mar 25, 2021 17:25:16 GMT
They're adults. Stop paying their way and making it easy. If they aren't going to college, which would earn them some help IMO, they can work full time and pay for the things they need.
Even when I was in college, the only time I ever needed money from my parents was when the battery in my car died unexpectedly. I literally had only $20, so needed another $30 to buy the battery. They bought the battery for me outright. They did paid for my car insurance through college. I was on their health insurance, but there was no additional costs for that to be true (my Dad was in a labor union with great family coverage insurance). Other than that, I paid my own way.
Once, after I bought a house (when I was 24) there was a roof repair that needed to be done for around $500. I didn't have the money, so they helped me with that.
I am on their cell phone plan - with an auto transfer set up monthly to my Mom's account to pay for it.
If you do agree to allow them to move back home, they should pay you rent. Not a high amount, but something to make them aware that it isn't free to be an adult. I would stop paying their phone, insurance and vet bills for sure. I side with your Dad on this one.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 17:31:34 GMT
However, spelling it out all at once, like you have here, without them having any input, may feel overwhelming. This is true. I will consider it. I just know that my DS is difficult to negotiate with. He has high-functioning autism. He's got a really sharp mind but he has a very hard time accepting things he doesn't like. I always joked and said I would never be one of those parents who just said, "because I said so." That I would always give a reasonable explanation. However, with this kid, I have had to say, that's just the way it is, I've made my decision and there's no negotiations. Because he has a hard time wrapping his brain around anything that doesn't jive with what he believes is right. |
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Post by worldwanderer75 on Mar 25, 2021 17:32:33 GMT
I am very new to the adult child stage. My oldest is 18. Some friends gave us what seems like good advice. They told us to keep paying for the things that could affect us - so things like car insurance and health insurance- that could have long term financial consequences. Everything else the child is in charge of. So DS will be in charge of his own cellphone plan. I know it would be cheaper to have him on our family plan but he's NEVER going to go without his cell phone and will find a way to pay it. He is going to college next year so our situation is different as we have money set aside for educational expenses. But he knows he has to maintain a certain GPA for his school scholarship and his "mom and dad scholarship." We are not providing any spending money and he has to help pay some of his expenses through working in the summer and part time while in school. If he was not going to college in fall we wouldn't be helping him financially at all beyond insurance.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 25, 2021 17:35:25 GMT
I totally get what you are saying...but. Things have changed. I think our ideals as parents used to be that our adult children would either go off to college and graduate, get a job, and move out on their own. OR if they didn't do college, they moved out with a boyfriend or husband, and got a job. These days, even after our adult children have grad'd college they still may have to move home in able to find that job, and get on their feet, and that's ok. Or find the right job and get on their feet. I would ask your kids, what are their long term plans? what are they doing to get to that point? what do they want to do with their lives?
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 25, 2021 17:38:34 GMT
I'd give him more than one month notice on cutting off the $200.
Perhaps until August when his lease is up so that he can either save that 200 or figure out how to replace it when it isn't in an emergency right now situation
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Post by mikewozowski on Mar 25, 2021 17:38:59 GMT
once kids get out of college and in to their first job, they are off the payroll.
if you choose not to go to college, same thing. you want to be an adult now, go ahead, here's what it costs.
i think if kids are not in college and are "adulting", then they need to be paying their way. sure you could throw them a bone now and then, but they need to know what all the bills are that they need to pay so they can budget their money. i agree with your offering the college funds for them if they are willing to take classes.
if you want to be nice about it, you certainly can, but i think they probably know that what you are doing now is a favor from you and not a requirement.
sounds like your kids might need more help than some, though.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 17:41:43 GMT
I would ask your kids, what are their long term plans? what are they doing to get to that point? what do they want to do with their lives? I have asked these questions repeatedly. And I always get the same answers. They have grandiose plans but neither one of them is taking the steps necessary to get there. Both of my kids are fully aware of the steps necessary to do so. In addition I discussed this with my own therapist and she gave me a resource group for young adults with disabilities. It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses and neither of them will take advantage of this program. Basically wheels are spinning and going nowhere. There's no end in sight to my level of support because nobody seems to want to put in the effort necessary to change things. |
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scrappinghappy
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“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
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Post by scrappinghappy on Mar 25, 2021 17:42:12 GMT
I don't know. We helped our kids out as much as they asked for and we could afford. dd moved back home after she graduated because her job was close by and her fiance was in another state. We persuaded her to do this rather than pay rent because at the time, pre-covid, she could save on rent and put that money to travel expenses. They saw each other every 2 weeks so this was a big help to her. She also bought her own car and was responsible for everything it entailed.
ds, on the other hand just had a LOT of dental work done. A LOT. He was responsible for all the bills not covered by insurance and he is only 21. He will be paying us back for a while. Why? Because for the last 19 years we have been begging him to brush his teeth and telling him when they rotted he would be responsible for paying to fix them and now, well, now he is.
All four of them are still on our cell plan even though two of them earn more money than I do. Why. Because on my plan I pay $10 for each line and they would be paying I don't know, $70? each. Maybe your kids can pay you there share of the bill if that works for you.
We also pay for shared streaming services and my dd pays the annual Instacart fee.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 17:44:32 GMT
I'd give him more than one month notice on cutting off the $200. Perhaps until August when his lease is up so that he can either save that 200 or figure out how to replace it when it isn't in an emergency right now situation He had a seasonal job at Target that ended in January and he's made absolutely no move to get another job since then. He's been living it up on stimulus money and what he had saved since then. I am subsidizing him sitting around playing video games for the last two months. I'm not OK with that. If he has enough money that he feels no pressure to look for a job, then he can afford his full $355 a month rent. |
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psiluvu
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Post by psiluvu on Mar 25, 2021 17:46:24 GMT
From the time our kids were little we have told them that they would get 4 years of post secondary schooling and then they would be on their own.
DD(21) will graduate in April with an honours degree in life sciences. She has decided to take a year off before doing her masters in beahvioural neuropsychology. April is the last month we are paying her bills. She will be responsible for all her bills except her cell phone. last summer was working 4 jobs. She ahs a comfy savings account. This summer she has a great 9 month contract making about $30k + benefits in that time. She wants to buy a car and I have tried to advise her to hold off, she could get by without one but patience is not one of her strong points. I am making sure she knows about insurance, repairs gas etc. She is also a T1 diabetic who will not be covered by our benefits when she is not in school. So once this 9 month contract is over she will have to find another with benefits or put a chunk of her budget to her health. This is not to say DH and I won't send her a hundred bucks here and there or pay for CAA(AAA) but we are not supporting her anymore. She also wants a pet cat/dog and I am really trying to to sway her from that due to expenses, vet bills and she has no idea where she will be in September 2022. She does know she doesn't want to do her masters at the same school as her undergrad so she will be moving somewhere else
DS (17) is going to university in the fall, unlike dd he will be living at home and attending our local uni. As long as he is in school full time we will cover his living expenses. He works part time and has quite a sizeable savings account so he will have his own spending money. He is not as driven and motivated in school as dd so we are making him pay his tuition up front, if he passes we will reimburse. If he is not in school full time, we will expect him to pay us $600.00 a month for room and board. If it happens that he is paying us I can see us saving most of it for him and giving it to him in the future when he decodes to buy a house or something. I don't think he will be as quick as dd to fly the nest but that is totally fine with both dh and I.
We don't have a ton of money so we have had these discussions with our kids since DD decided she wanted to go away to school in about grade 9.
I think that your approach sounds reasonable and realistic
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Deleted
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Jun 28, 2024 9:59:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2021 17:48:54 GMT
I don't think you're doing them any favors by continuing to support them. They're adults. They've made the decision to not be in school, which is fine, but which means they have plenty of time to get jobs and support themselves. They're making adult decisions- owning a dog, living with a boyfriend, etc. Time for them to live adult financial lives, too. I support your decision to kick them out of the nest!
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Post by twinks on Mar 25, 2021 17:50:46 GMT
I totally agree with the Health insurance issue. I think they can be on your plan until 26. I feel that by then, they should be more established. Healthcare is out of sight expensive and even a sore throat can set them back.
I am of the opinion that things like car and car insurance is something I am willing to pay as long as they are attending college. Graduation gift is giving them the title of the car. They are then fully responsible.
Cell phone I would make them pay their portion of your bill. I have a friend who has 4 children (2 couples) and her parents on her plan. It costs each couple $69 a month.
If they aren’t attending college and working full time, then things like car, car insurance, pet care, rent, etc are their responsibilities. Being an adult means being responsible.
In this economy, moving back home is something that I am undecided about. It is one thing for them to move home if they lost their job and can’t make it. Or they have a goal in mind - like purchasing a house, getting married, etc. I wouldn’t let them move back home without a plan. That plan would contain a list of responsibilities and rules with a clear end date. No sitting around the house and freeloading. They are adults and your relationship with each other has or should change.
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Post by snugglebutter on Mar 25, 2021 17:53:51 GMT
No adult kids yet, but I think you are being reasonable. I would give them advanced notice so they can adjust accordingly. You could even stagger it if you wanted. "In two months you will be responsible for X, in four months Y and in six months Z" or whatever.
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Peal
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Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Mar 25, 2021 17:56:47 GMT
We started weaning my oldest when he was in college. He had a great student job that could cover his housing and food. But if he ever came up short we could give him money. We did cover his car insurance and helped him buy his car, and kept him on our health insurance for as long as we could. (he had to buy his own plan when he graduated because he no longer qualified to be on our plan.) He did get his own cell plan because our provider didn't work on the phone he wanted.
He's 23 now, working full time, but living with us because he has been priced out of the housing market. He is back on our cell plan because he can't get cell coverage with his previous provider where we live. We bought him a phone that worked on our network. And he is still on our car insurance, but he'll be getting off soon. He can certainly cover that. The only real expense he has is gas as he has a long commute. And his new health insurance provided by his employer. for now he is just saving money.
My other adult child (19) is living with us while he does college in his bedroom. We cover all of his expenses and will probably end up covering living expenses away from home this summer if gets the internship he has applied for. (We are hoping they will offer him lodging as it's kind of remote and there aren't a lot of housing options available to him) He also has some significant health issues that are factored into the equation of what we expect from him in regards to self-sufficiency.
We help our kids because we are able to, we want to, and they are working toward independence. I don't know what we would do if we had an adult child who only sat in the basement playing video games and eating cheetos all night.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
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Post by brandy327 on Mar 25, 2021 17:57:24 GMT
I would ask your kids, what are their long term plans? what are they doing to get to that point? what do they want to do with their lives? I have asked these questions repeatedly. And I always get the same answers. They have grandiose plans but neither one of them is taking the steps necessary to get there. Both of my kids are fully aware of the steps necessary to do so. In addition I discussed this with my own therapist and she gave me a resource group for young adults with disabilities. It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses and neither of them will take advantage of this program. Basically wheels are spinning and going nowhere. There's no end in sight to my level of support because nobody seems to want to put in the effort necessary to change things. With this knowledge and what you've stated in your previous posts, I think what you're planning is fine. I also have a ds on the spectrum so I know how black and white you have to be sometimes. For us, we have been open with our kids from the start. (Ds week be 18 in a few months) After high school, if you're going to college, we'll help as much as we can. I'll cover all bills like cell phones, car insurance(although we do make them contribute $150 every 6 months), health insurance, etc. Both ds and dd's have cars that are paid off and in our name for now. We'll help with college expenses however we can without dipping into our retirement or savings. Once you either graduate or drop out of college, they can still live here but they're going to be paying rent. And they must find a full time job. And they're responsible for contributing to household expenses in addition to their cell phones, car insurance etc. Now, I'm not unreasonable... if they can't find a full time job in their field(if they've graduated) then I'm flexible. If they've dropped out, then they must find a way to pay for their lifestyle, whatever it is at that given time. It would take a lot for me to refuse to let them live with me. They always have a home here. But if you're not going to school or working, then it's going to cost them to live here. Chances are I'll take their "rent" money and put it away and gift it back to them at some point in their adult life. |
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Mar 25, 2021 18:08:27 GMT
We've been having this discussion because my son is graduating this year and joining the coast guard. He plans to do his 3 or 4 years and then go to college. His long term is to become a pilot. He might fall in love with the coast guard though and continue working there. We've been discussing cell phone plans, the vehicle he drives since it's in our name, and medical insurance. He may be somewhere where a local phone service is better then verizon. He might choose medical insurance through the coast guard. Lots of what ifs. He is a lot like I was at that age. I had no desire to be reliant on my parents for my bills. I moved to a different province, I paid all my student loans off, I even went to the bank and borrowed 2,000 to move on. That covered some apartment rent till i got my paychecks. I bought a sofa, and a tv.. got cable. And I ate sitting on that sofa till I started earning my own money. It took me 6 months to fully furnish my little apartment. People now a days seem to want to accumulate everything before they even get their first check. But i digress.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Mar 25, 2021 18:09:51 GMT
What is their current work situation? I think that your plan sounds good, but depending on their current income, DS especially might need more than a month's notice for losing the $200 towards rent.
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 25, 2021 18:09:51 GMT
We always told the kids we would cover all their expenses through college. DD(23) completed an AA and has no plans for more education right now. She was working full time, taking over most of her expenses, until last March. The reality is COVID put a massive dent in her plans to fully launch and be independent so we are still covering some of her expenses and she lives at home. DS(22) is still a full time college student. My expectation is that once they are out, they pay for everything and we are here as backup and, if needed, safe place to land if it all falls apart. My siblings and I yoyoed in and out of our parents house for most of the 80s and I don't think any of us really asked if it worked for them. We always had a plan and reason for moving back home and knew the time frame if that makes a difference (saving for travel, great paying summer job in their town, etc.). A youth I was working was thrilled when someone offered her a "free" puppy. She was on a very limited income and housing insecure so I had to kill her joy and help her budget the cost of a pet and the extra challenge of finding pet friendly housing. I do think your DD needs to take on the full financial responsibility for a pet before she starts collecting a few more.  |
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Post by gar on Mar 25, 2021 18:12:02 GMT
I am at the point where I feel like if you aren't going to college, then it's on you to work full time and support yourself outside of my house. I'm willing to pay for two community college classes plus books a semester if they are interested in going. But I feel like it is time for them to stand on their own two feet and own their choices. And if the choice is no college, well then it's time to step up and support yourself. I would ask your kids, what are their long term plans? what are they doing to get to that point? what do they want to do with their lives? I think you need to tie these 2 things together. If you ask them and they waffle but don't do anything then it's time to start putting a timeline together. Things can be flexible and you perhaps don't need t spell out every item you want to change (vet, phones etc etc) but have an overview and make it clear that how things progress depends on how much effort they make and how many steps they take/how far they get. But make it clear you are working towards them being properly independent but of course, also say that you won't let them sink completely  |
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Mar 25, 2021 18:13:31 GMT
Tell them they're adults, they want to be adults and not have you 'mothering' them, then you're going to honor and respect that desire and treat them as adults. That means that they get to support themselves. For you to continue to support them says that you don't think that they are capable of making it on their own. Show them that they are and that you respect them as adults by cutting off their funding. It's time for them to find their own way now and fly.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 18:14:43 GMT
It would take a lot for me to refuse to let them live with me. They always have a home here. I never thought I would be a sink or swim parent. I still most likely would rescue if I felt they were truly sinking. But right now, I feel both of them are making choices not to swim. And that's what I'm having a hard time with. If they were willing to do the program my therapist suggested, I would be more patient with them. If they were actually trying to go to college, I would be more patient. Nobody is making any move to improve the situation. And so, I'm left feeling like I'm parenting adults who are behaving like they're 13. It was easier with DD. She wants to be out on her own. She has a solid work history. I know she has money. Maybe not great money, but she has money. I let her come back here because she was drowning in her mental health. But now she's seeing a psychiatrist and starting to take meds and there's been improvement. I feel like August is very doable for her. And with her not paying me any rent money, then she can absolutely afford her dog's vet care. DS is a wildcard. I feel like he's being lazy. I feel totally taken advantage of. And I have to watch him that he doesn't play the mental health card. Because he can use his diagnoses to manipulate my heartstrings. But he needs to step up. This is not the position I saw myself in ten years ago. I have a Masters Degree. Higher education was always talked about. My kids always saw me working and taking care of business on my own. They have seen that I don't let my mental health get in the way of me taking care of myself or them. I feel like I've provided all I can at this point in terms of emotional and financial support. They need to help themselves. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Mar 25, 2021 18:25:30 GMT
It would take a lot for me to refuse to let them live with me. They always have a home here. I never thought I would be a sink or swim parent. I still most likely would rescue if I felt they were truly sinking. But right now, I feel both of them are making choices not to swim. And that's what I'm having a hard time with. If they were willing to do the program my therapist suggested, I would be more patient with them. If they were actually trying to go to college, I would be more patient. Nobody is making any move to improve the situation. And so, I'm left feeling like I'm parenting adults who are behaving like they're 13. It was easier with DD. She wants to be out on her own. She has a solid work history. I know she has money. Maybe not great money, but she has money. I let her come back here because she was drowning in her mental health. But now she's seeing a psychiatrist and starting to take meds and there's been improvement. I feel like August is very doable for her. And with her not paying me any rent money, then she can absolutely afford her dog's vet care. DS is a wildcard. I feel like he's being lazy. I feel totally taken advantage of. And I have to watch him that he doesn't play the mental health card. Because he can use his diagnoses to manipulate my heartstrings. But he needs to step up. This is not the position I saw myself in ten years ago. I have a Masters Degree. Higher education was always talked about. My kids always saw me working and taking care of business on my own. They have seen that I don't let my mental health get in the way of me taking care of myself or them. I feel like I've provided all I can at this point in terms of emotional and financial support. They need to help themselves. I think you are doing a great job. You know that they are capable, but they need some motivation to do more for themselves. I think that what works for one child may not work for another, and that as parents we have to be in tune to how what we are doing is affecting their success--either positively or negatively. I do like the idea of starting the conversation with their goals and then bring up your points and how they fit into that. One time I knew a family with two college aged daughters. One was in a program full-time and also worked. Parents paid for her car insurance, cell phone, and I am not sure what other financial support. But she was getting good grades, working, had a plan, and paying for those things truly was a help to her. Her sister, on the other hand, lived at home and *sometimes* took classes. Seemed like just enough to still be considered a student by the parents, but not enough to be making headway. Not doing great in classes. Parents were paying for pretty much everything and it seemed that she was comfortable with that. For her, the parents paying for what they did was enabling her to stay where she was in life. I think that is a good example of one size doesn't fit all. Now, as parents it would be tricky to decide what to do so that things still seemed "fair" but not enable the one living at home.... |
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gsquaredmom
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Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Mar 25, 2021 18:25:35 GMT
I just skimmed the responses.
My take is that they need more support to develop into independent functioning adults. Their disabilities are affecting their ability to do that and they are on an extended timeline compared to their peers. I don’t think you can just cut them off. They still need parenting. Chronologically they are adults, nut mentally and emotionally they are not.
You mentioned a program to help them do this and they are not interested. Maybe that is the key. For each month they are in the program, they earn that support from you. Your money is tied to their success in the program. Maybe worth considering.
I would pay health costs to 26 no matter what. If the program does not work out, they can get help with disability and a medical card.
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Deleted
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Jun 28, 2024 9:59:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2021 18:25:56 GMT
I think you can still have an attitude of "My door is always open to you if you NEED it," while still acknowledging at this point that they don't NEED it. They DO need to eventually learn how to be adults. Think of it this way: this is for their good. It's not a punishment or a lack of willingness to help them or try harder. It's to say, "hey, you guys need to move forward in your lives and me helping you stay put is not good for you."
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Post by cmpeter on Mar 25, 2021 18:37:10 GMT
We cover pretty much everything thru college and then they are on their own. Either could live at home if they needed, as long as they were contributing members of the household...not so much financially, but more along the lines of taking care of household tasks, being a helpful roommate, considerate and kind.
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Post by Skellinton on Mar 25, 2021 18:48:35 GMT
I'd give him more than one month notice on cutting off the $200. Perhaps until August when his lease is up so that he can either save that 200 or figure out how to replace it when it isn't in an emergency right now situation He had a seasonal job at Target that ended in January and he's made absolutely no move to get another job since then. He's been living it up on stimulus money and what he had saved since then. I am subsidizing him sitting around playing video games for the last two months. I'm not OK with that. If he has enough money that he feels no pressure to look for a job, then he can afford his full $355 a month rent. Damn, that is some cheap rent. I didn’t read the rest of the responses because I was so floored by that number. That is less then what I paid to live in Seattle in a hovel of a studio in Seattle in the early 90’s!! I think your plan is a reasonable one since neither child has shown any motivation to get a start themselves. I wonder if writing it out for each child with a timeline would help them process it. I am also fairly confident that you would be there in a heartbeat to help your children out if they truly needed it and it was to their benefit. I am sure you are not going to leave them high and dry. I agree mental health is a priority and should not be negotiable and I am glad you are able to continue that for them. My mom is on our cell phone plan because it is cheaper that way, we don’t ask her to split the bill with us at all, but being who she is she has 10.00 deposited into our account each month like clockwork. I would continue to keep them on the plan if you can and it is cheaper, but if you want them to pay that is reasonable. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 18:54:53 GMT
My take is that they need more support to develop into independent functioning adults. Their disabilities are affecting their ability to do that and they are on an extended timeline compared to their peers. I don’t think you can just cut them off. They still need parenting. Chronologically they are adults, nut mentally and emotionally they are not. I disagree. My DD was struggling with her mental health because she was not taking medicine. She is now taking medicine and while it will still take a while for her to get it correct, I feel that an August deadline is completely doable. My son has setbacks, of course, but with mental health issues there will always be setbacks. He is taking care of his mental health. Neither of them is incapable of working. Neither of them is incapable of going to college. Neither of them is incapable of living independently from a functional standpoint. Both of them have been prepared correctly to do so. Neither of them will qualify for disability because they aren't incapable of working and taking care of themselves. While I think I may have to go above and beyond sometimes emotionally to parent them, I don't see any reason I must do so financially. It may take them longer to get there than other kids but I believe they have what it takes to do so. And they need to accept and plan for the fact that they will always have setbacks. I do too. It's just the nature of dealing with something like this. And I'm here to guide them. I began working on these issues when they were only 13 & 14 years old. They are no strangers to medication and therapy. These aren't new diagnoses. If you disagree, I'm curious (and anyone is free to chime in with suggestions, I'm all ears) what you'd have me do that I haven't already done or continue to be doing? |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 18:57:59 GMT
Damn, that is some cheap rent. He lives in a 4 bedroom apartment with 3 other guys. Each of them pays $355 a month to rent their bedroom. It's a typical college apartment complex. |
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