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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 25, 2021 23:38:22 GMT
I just skimmed the responses. My take is that they need more support to develop into independent functioning adults. Their disabilities are affecting their ability to do that and they are on an extended timeline compared to their peers. I don’t think you can just cut them off. They still need parenting. Chronologically they are adults, nut mentally and emotionally they are not. You mentioned a program to help them do this and they are not interested. Maybe that is the key. For each month they are in the program, they earn that support from you. Your money is tied to their success in the program. Maybe worth considering. I would pay health costs to 26 no matter what. If the program does not work out, they can get help with disability and a medical card. I 2nd this. I think to totally cut them off, in only a month is a recipe for failure. How could you son afford his rent? when he has no job? and you've basically been paying it? yes, he should have a job, but to expect him to interview, get a job, and then also get PAID within that month period is unrealistic. I can see sitting down with them, and saying do this program. I will go with you, and help you get established in it. I will give you 6 months, but then there is no more money help.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 25, 2021 23:54:32 GMT
I just skimmed the responses. My take is that they need more support to develop into independent functioning adults. Their disabilities are affecting their ability to do that and they are on an extended timeline compared to their peers. I don’t think you can just cut them off. They still need parenting. Chronologically they are adults, nut mentally and emotionally they are not. You mentioned a program to help them do this and they are not interested. Maybe that is the key. For each month they are in the program, they earn that support from you. Your money is tied to their success in the program. Maybe worth considering. I would pay health costs to 26 no matter what. If the program does not work out, they can get help with disability and a medical card. I 2nd this. I think to totally cut them off, in only a month is a recipe for failure. How could you son afford his rent? when he has no job? and you've basically been paying it? yes, he should have a job, but to expect him to interview, get a job, and then also get PAID within that month period is unrealistic. I can see sitting down with them, and saying do this program. I will go with you, and help you get established in it. I will give you 6 months, but then there is no more money help. He has enough money right now in his savings account to cover his rent for easily six months. I'm not leaving him high and dry. I just did his taxes and with all the stimulus money he got he's not hurting for money.
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Post by wahinelei on Mar 26, 2021 0:12:54 GMT
My son is 22 years old and still lives at home with me. He does not pay rent but is doing a full course load of classes as well as working full time. I do not charge him rent because I know he’s saving his money for a down payment on his own place one day.
When he graduated high school, he decided not to go to college and “take a year off”. I told him he could have the year off but if he didn’t go to school then I would make him pay rent. When the year was up, he decided to join the Air National Guard. He went away to basic training and really grew up and matured. Coming back, he joined the local community college, took classes, got himself a full time job.
He is really set on buying his own place vs renting and I support him in this. He bought and paid for his own car, has insurance, has medical, and doesn’t ask me for anything. I just let him live at home and eat our food.
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Deleted
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Jun 30, 2024 18:33:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2021 0:16:41 GMT
At some point, we parents need to deal with caring for our future, our retirements, and some fun. And I'm being totally honest here, I have put forth the idea that since I would like her out on her own in August and his lease is ending in August that I would help them get a two bedroom apartment for both of them to share. They get along great. They are used to living together. DS would totally help with DD's dog. And between the two of them, they have enough living items to furnish their own apartment since they've both lived independently at times. I am 110% on board with that idea. And I'm just going to say it, I love my children dearly. Parenting them the past 7 years has been difficult to put it mildly. I would rather pay half their rent on a two bedroom apartment than have them both back living at home for *my* mental health. So I'm not totally opposed to helping where I can. But I would like to see them both put in effort and try to make things work before I come rescue them. I really don't believe they need me to rescue them. DD is doing better. I have full faith that by August she will be ready to go. I feel like I need to light a fire under him right now so he's prepared to live on his own after his lease is up. She came home as a last resort. She was being evicted and had no where else to go and was a huge wreck. He wants to come home because he wants me to take care of him. It's a comfort thing with him. I just know it is. There's not a damn thing wrong with doing something like this as long as you are able to fund your own stuff like sharlag said. If your DD and DS are better living together but away from you then so be it. Just set a progressive schedule that backs down what you will contribute so they have time to build up being independent. You have to do what works for you and your family -- regardless of our myriad of ideas and opinions.
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Post by withapea on Mar 26, 2021 0:19:51 GMT
I think your plan sounds good and fair. You’ve gotten a lot of good feedback.I won’t detail my 22 year old’s situation, she’s out of the house but I still pay for some things. I mostly wanted to acknowledge and validate you because parenting young adults is hard and doesn’t get much regard. You’re a good mom.
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Post by ntsf on Mar 26, 2021 0:34:36 GMT
one thing to consider.. foster systems are moving to supporting foster kids til 21.. our society makes it tough for 18 yrs old to make it without survival nets. so this is a new thing..
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Post by littlemama on Mar 26, 2021 0:43:33 GMT
I think 3-4 months warning of these changes is reasonable. I knew about 2 weeks after i was laid off that i would likely be getting this job. I started the job 9 weeks after I was laid off. So, even with the best of intentions, it takes a while for all of that stuff to happen. If you tell your ds now that he is being cut off august 1, then that is a very reasonable amount of time for him to find a job and get a couple of paychecks under his belt. If he chooses not to do that, then he is responsible for the consequences of that choice.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 26, 2021 1:12:50 GMT
I think you're a great mom and exploring your thoughts here with the input of others is just one example of your thoughtfulness in making these decisions. It's a gray-scale decision for me -- no real right or wrong, but more shades of gray based on so many myriad factors that play into it.
We have one 19 y/o left at home. As he really had no idea what he wanted to major in, he was going to do a gap year of fulltime work after high school graduation, but the internship-like engineering job fell through after dragging out well into the fall. So he/we had to regroup. He started community college and got a job. And is still doing that. He lives with us and pays his cellphone and car insurance only. As long as he's taking a decent load of classes, I consider him a student and will cover most of his expenses as a result. (I'm also of the opinion to consider 21 adulthood rather than 18.) If he stops school, then we'd give a few months grace to transition to independence.
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
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Post by Gennifer on Mar 26, 2021 4:28:41 GMT
I just did his taxes and with all the stimulus money he got he's not hurting for money. Did you do the taxes together, or did you do them alone?
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Jun 30, 2024 18:33:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2021 5:28:32 GMT
I would ask your kids, what are their long term plans? what are they doing to get to that point? what do they want to do with their lives? I have asked these questions repeatedly. And I always get the same answers. They have grandiose plans but neither one of them is taking the steps necessary to get there. Both of my kids are fully aware of the steps necessary to do so. In addition I discussed this with my own therapist and she gave me a resource group for young adults with disabilities. It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses and neither of them will take advantage of this program. Basically wheels are spinning and going nowhere. There's no end in sight to my level of support because nobody seems to want to put in the effort necessary to change things. Do either of them have Executive Functioning Disorder? Very common with ASD, ADD, ADHD, ect. They may have the plan, know the plan, want to do the plan but can't get started and may even need quite a bit of help to stay on the plan. They may need new things very broken down into very easy, small steps, one at a time. Then they can build upon the first step and keep going. I agree with others, you son especially needs more interventions to get there. He will, but he needs more time. More help. More support.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2021 5:29:55 GMT
Also jeremysgirl are either of them anxious about the change if they access the program? What it details and what is requires? Are they nervous to make the call? Are they stuck and needing help making the call and submitting what is requested?
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,642
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Mar 26, 2021 5:36:13 GMT
We cover pretty much everything thru college and then they are on their own. Either could live at home if they needed, as long as they were contributing members of the household...not so much financially, but more along the lines of taking care of household tasks, being a helpful roommate, considerate and kind. This was us - as long as they were studying we were more than welcome to remain at home. Both DDS and DD had long term work which gave them a reasonable income considering expenses. We covered expenses for all living expenses other than their vehicles which if there was anything major then we helped out. once they were not studying then they had both moved out of home so it was never an issue with them not contributing.
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Post by nlwilkins on Mar 26, 2021 6:39:05 GMT
My daughters were told early in their teens that if they decided not to go to college they would have to get a job with health insurance. If they moved out, they were on their own and would not provide any monthly help. They did not quite go that route, though they tried.
Both started at the local community college - I told them if they went two years there, living at home, we would send them to ANY university or college of their choice. We were not exactly poor, but were really did not have the money to spare. I told them we could re-fi the house if needed. Neither of them completed the two years. Both of them got good jobs, one in a downtown international finance company and the other at six flags as a event manager. The one downtown never went back to school, but has a marketable skill set and has always been able to get a good job whenever she needed one. The other went part time to school with six flags paying her tuition and books.
But the point I am making here is if either of them moved out they were on their own, no support from us. The one working at six flags moved back home for nine months to finish up college without having to do it part time. But she still worked part time. All we did for her was to provide her a room and meals. She paid for everything else - vet for her cat, car and gas, clothes, haircuts, the works. It was something she negotiated with us and showed us her plan.
They are now in their forties and have not asked for anything. Though we do sneak stuff in now and then. We have stepped in to help when either was struggling, but we can tell the are doing their best and are being careful with their money. I refuse to give money to help someone when they are not doing anything to help themselves. But when I do give money, I do not stipulate how it is to be used. We also found other ways to help rather than giving money.
**You might want to find a solution to the question about not being able to get a job. Jobs around here take a while to find. If that is the case where you live, you might want proof they are looking for a job, kinda like application copies, interviews attended, etc. Also, you might want to do something to make sure they understand that you will not be bailing them out if they fail because they have not tried.
Get them motivated to finance the lifestyle they want. Make sure they do not have anything provided free of charge. If you are paying part of your son's rent, he should be doing something for you such as lawn work, cleaning, car maintenance, or other weekly chores. You are not their own private money tree. Don't deny them them the pride and satisfaction of doing it on their own.
(When I was 19, home was far, far away across the Pacific. I settled for a junky furnished apartment, meager meals, a clunker for a car. But I survived.
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Post by peasapie on Mar 26, 2021 9:51:41 GMT
I think you are doing the right thing. I paid for most things while they were in college. Once they graduated, I gradually removed the supports - car insurance first, then phone, then medical. That happened over a period of a few years.
Also everyone knew there would be no moving back once they moved out.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 26, 2021 10:48:38 GMT
I just did his taxes and with all the stimulus money he got he's not hurting for money. Did you do the taxes together, or did you do them alone? I walked him through it. He insisted on knowing every step. I did not with my DD. I have been doing her taxes for several years and she is not interested in learning how to do them. But he was wanting to be involved.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 26, 2021 10:55:39 GMT
I have asked these questions repeatedly. And I always get the same answers. They have grandiose plans but neither one of them is taking the steps necessary to get there. Both of my kids are fully aware of the steps necessary to do so. In addition I discussed this with my own therapist and she gave me a resource group for young adults with disabilities. It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses and neither of them will take advantage of this program. Basically wheels are spinning and going nowhere. There's no end in sight to my level of support because nobody seems to want to put in the effort necessary to change things. Do either of them have Executive Functioning Disorder? Very common with ASD, ADD, ADHD, ect. They may have the plan, know the plan, want to do the plan but can't get started and may even need quite a bit of help to stay on the plan. They may need new things very broken down into very easy, small steps, one at a time. Then they can build upon the first step and keep going. I agree with others, you son especially needs more interventions to get there. He will, but he needs more time. More help. More support. Neither of them has an executive functioning disorder. My son was specifically tested for this. I have laid everything out to them. They know the steps. I have confidence DD will get there. She is motivated. Off track mentally but motivated. He seems to be lacking motivation on a lot of things. And he's resistant to tell anyone about his autism diagnosis. He wouldn't even use it for a bus pass before he got his license. Our transportation authority allows a discount for people with disabilities. His very first job a coworker who was training him asked him straight up if he was autistic. He was working for my BIL company and he got mad thinking my BIL told him. And he didn't. The guy had two autistic kids. My son wasn't diagnosed until he was 16. And he's resistant to any kind of intervention.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 26, 2021 11:08:19 GMT
Spongemom Scrappants said: I think you're a great mom and exploring your thoughts here with the input of others is just one example of your thoughtfulness in making these decisions. Thank you. I brought it here because I know I'll get a variety of opinions and suggestions. I'm frustrated especially with my son. Because I feel like he rejects some levels of help and wants help on a financial level but doesn't want to put in the effort. At least my DD works hard. And she is convicted she's going back to being an electrical apprentice. She wants to be an electrician. But she knows now that she will ruin her job prospects if she doesn't get her mental health under control. It took a long time getting her to the place where she accepted that she can't do it without medication.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 26, 2021 11:59:17 GMT
You've gotten some great points of view here and I agree with Gennifer who said every family is different and you have to do what is right for you. My girls went through college and paid for a lot on their own. I paid their rooms and tuition not covered by loans, but they took out loans and paid for food/transport. They graduated last year and both have great jobs and are 100% on their own. It was a good transition. My son struggled a lot more and decided he didn't want to go back to school his sophomore year. My son had just turned 19. I said, "Fine. What are your plans?" Like your kids, he had grandiose plans, none of which involved $8-10/hr pay. Haha. I told him without a serious plan, I was not going to pay. It was the hardest thing I did. I did tell him he could have the car and I would pay insurance, but he had to pay the rest of the upkeep. It took him 3 months of working his way through all the money he earned that summer (and he worked his butt off 15 hours a day) to tell me he was going back to school in the spring semester. I told him I expected good grades (he is smart and lazy) and I got them. It was a really, really good lesson for my son. He does not like school, but also does not want to earn $10/hr. Your kids are still young and their minds are not fully formed. I think your plan sounds great. I would only add in words that you will always have their back. My kids know that if everything failed, I'd take care of them. For your DD's dog, if this dog is helping your daughter's mental health, then personally, I believe that it's worth its weight in gold. If that were the situation, I'd pay the vet bills; otherwise it would be on my daughter.
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Post by trixiecat on Mar 26, 2021 12:28:49 GMT
Jeremysgirl, I am in the same boat as you with my son. Mine is 21 and can't keep a job for more than 4 months. He was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety when he was 5 and stopped taking any medication when he was 18. It had stopped working and he appears to be fine without it. But I think there is something unlying going on. I believe he probably has executive functioning issues. Up until he was 18 1/2 he was so responsible, had great jobs and saved money. The minute he graduated from high school his lack of responsibility started and has continued. He has burned so many bridges that right now I don't think hardly anyone would hire him with his lack of work history. He currently will do DoorDash to make enough money to eat out and put gas in his car. He isn't looking for a job, or if he does, his resume has so many gaps no one will call him back. He pays for all of his car maintenance out of his savings. He is so irresponsible with money we don't give him access to the money. And recently money that was given to him over the years and money he earned, my husband invested it. It has grown to $14K. We legally had to turn the account over to him, but he hasn't attempted to try and get the money.
I think the big question is how to get your son from thinking it is okay to not work to having a full time job to work towards supporting himself. Don't be in my shoes and let this go on for any length of time. My worst fear is my son will be living with us forever. I want to kick my son out so he has to sink or swim. When we talk about it he is "okay, then give me my money". We are about ready to do that and let him suffer the consequences of spending it all and then being broke and still not be working. My son is capable of making something of himself. His last job was to work at Valvoline. If he stayed, he could have worked his way up. All I want is for him to work full time. Then come up with a plan to make enough money to live on his own and be more responsibly for himself.
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Post by mom on Mar 26, 2021 22:46:20 GMT
I'm in a situation where the 18 yr old has signed up for the military and is leaving next month for training. Up to that day, we're taking care of everything. His car is technically ours but he pays his portion of the insurance. We have taken care of the major maintenance but he had to pay for the oil change, a flat tire repair, and gas. We pay for his cell and have offered to keep him on our plan until he's ready to take on his own plan. The car insurance will be suspended while he's gone. We'll sell it later and give him the cash to use towards a new car (it's a beater and shouldn't be driven on long drives). The oldest is wishy washy about college. He doesn't like the online stuff. He's applying for an apprenticeship and should know in May or June if he gets it. Once he's doing that and has health insurance, he's off ours. He owns his car but his insurance is under ours (saved him over $100/month) and he pays is for his share. His cell is also on our plan. We have said by the time you're 21, if you're not in school, you should be paying for more of your bills. If oldest chooses to move out, he's on his own but we'll keep an open door if he needs to come back. DH doesn't agree with me, but I'm sure I'll find a way to give both of them gift cards they can use to buy groceries or gas for a while. My parents eased us into paying our own bills as we gradually became independent. However, once we were married, all we got was cash at Christmas. No subsidized bills. My mom used to slip me a 50 here and there when she knew DH and I were having our leanest years. What branch is he going into? My youngest decided college wasn't for him right now and enlisted back in September. He loves it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2021 23:01:14 GMT
mom AF. He wanted to be a pilot but after taking a couple of aviation classes in high school, he decided on maintenance instead. The college route was his original plan but pandemic. He hates online learning. His teacher was a retired Air Force and they really connected in class. DH was upset that he wasn't going Army like him and several grandfathers have done.
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Post by mom on Mar 27, 2021 1:19:38 GMT
mom AF. He wanted to be a pilot but after taking a couple of aviation classes in high school, he decided on maintenance instead. The college route was his original plan but pandemic. He hates online learning. His teacher was a retired Air Force and they really connected in class. DH was upset that he wasn't going Army like him and several grandfathers have done. That's awesome! Thats kinda how DS2 ended up going Army. He hated online classes Covid forced him into. We were disappointed he didnt go to West Point like his grandads and uncless but he is loving the route he took. He's a combat medic and will be stationed in Hawaii. Good luck to your son!
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 27, 2021 1:52:45 GMT
I would ask your kids, what are their long term plans? what are they doing to get to that point? what do they want to do with their lives? I have asked these questions repeatedly. And I always get the same answers. They have grandiose plans but neither one of them is taking the steps necessary to get there. Both of my kids are fully aware of the steps necessary to do so. In addition I discussed this with my own therapist and she gave me a resource group for young adults with disabilities. It is a two year, free program to independence that both of the kids would qualify for strictly based on their mental health diagnoses and neither of them will take advantage of this program. Basically wheels are spinning and going nowhere. There's no end in sight to my level of support because nobody seems to want to put in the effort necessary to change things. Then you need to be the one to make the changes—by cutting them off. Spell it out on paper for them—make a timeline of what YOU are changing — June 1st no more $200 July 1st no cellphone plan August 1st move out September 1st........ Kay it out, and stick to it. They’re never going to implement their “plan” if you’re paying for them to stay.
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Post by myboysnme on Mar 27, 2021 3:14:09 GMT
Everyone probably differs on what they can afford to do, what they want to do and what their kids need.
I am in the camp of I do too much because I want to, and thankfully they are both mostly off the collective tit so to speak.
Ds1 is married, owns his home, has a child. He and his wife got new phones from me and are on my phone plan. I have helped out my DIL financially quite a bit Recently she was out of work after a miscarriage at 19 weeks and I paid her Bills for the month. I also care for their daughter for free, and pay for her little activities. They also have a car I own that is not running and needs work. They want to try to fix it. I am paying the insurance and registration.
He has graduated college but was unsuccessfully launched a few times before it stuck.
Ds2 is finally on his own again across the country, paying all of his own Bills except cell phone. But he has had several very expensive returns to the nest and relaunch, causing big credit card debt on my credit. Ouch. He has also graduated college.
I am of the camp of parents who feels life is hard enough, and my home is always open to them. They both want to live on their own and not with us so that is a plus. I had actually planned that when We sell our home I will split the proceeds between them and DH and I will rent. Or one of them can buy the house for half value giving their portion to the other sibling.
I dont mind a bit if life brings them home and now they are 27 and 30 and have more maturity to make it now. So I am ok with doing what I can whenever I can. For me now though I over extended and so my credit is a priority now
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