|
Post by pierkiss on May 5, 2021 23:51:21 GMT
It’s a family vacation. I’m in favor of only family coming along. Not friends, especially if your other kid is going to be uncomfortable around her sisters friend.
|
|
moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,247
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
|
Post by moodyblue on May 5, 2021 23:58:38 GMT
It’s easy to say no to anyone who isn’t family, especially since traveling with other people isn’t always as easy as we’d like to think - and an unknown traveling companion could be a huge wrench in the works. Even travel with close family isn’t a picnic at times because of personalities and vacation styles. I’d be very hesitant.
BUT, there’s so much we don’t know: where are you going, how are you getting there, the ages of the kids, any special needs, other kids going and their ages, how many adults, is everyone else part of a couple, are you staying in a hotel/resort or renting a place, what kind of activities, how good are the family members at actually helping?
I’m sure I could think of more things to consider. I’d have to look at whether the situation is really good for your daughter and her kids if she doesn’t have her friend or someone with her. And I’d have to consider what impact bringing this friend would have on everyone else.
|
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,734
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
|
Post by ellen on May 6, 2021 0:07:08 GMT
What type of a vacation is this? At first I was thinking no to the friend, but there are certain types of vacations where this might not be a big deal.
|
|
|
Post by maryland on May 6, 2021 0:09:22 GMT
Family trip! How are you so sure it isn't romantic?!?!? If she can't trust family to help her with her kids, could she stay home alone with them? Good point, I didn't think of that.
How old are the kids? If one is a young baby, (and wouldn't remember the trip) and it's hard for the mom to handle all the kids (are they all pretty young?), would the youngest stay with dad? Without knowing the ages, and family dynamics, it's hard to say. Maybe the kids are old enough and would love to be on the trip!
I can understand how it could be hard bringing someone the family doesn't know well. We only go to the beach with our immediate family, we don't even invite relatives or friends. Just me, my husband and our 3 kids. We want to relax and not have to worry about others.
However you decide, I hope your family has a great trip! What a nice gift for your children!
|
|
janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,200
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
|
Post by janeinbama on May 6, 2021 0:13:58 GMT
I would keep with family only. Tough as it sounds, DD is going to be alone with kids from now on, get used to it.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on May 6, 2021 0:34:36 GMT
I would keep with family only. Tough as it sounds, DD is going to be alone with kids from now on, get used to it. Get used to it? This has got to be the coldest thing I have read here in a very long time. I'm guessing by the fact that the DD asked her STBX to come on the trip that this divorce isn't her idea. In addition, it's super hard to be a single mom. Yeah, you "get used to it." But sometimes even in a divorce situation you're lucky enough to have an involved dad to coparent with. And let's not forget how we have systems and routines set in place at home that we don't have while on vacation. I'm just trying not to picture your DD going through a divorce initiated by her husband and you saying to her "get used to it." No compassion in that response at all.
|
|
|
Post by busy on May 6, 2021 0:45:49 GMT
I would not make a decision without having a sincere talk with DD. I can’t imagine she’s wanting to bring this friend just because. DD has a reason for wanting to bring her on a family trip. You may not like the answer but I think it’s unkind to prioritize everyone else’s wants over hers without delving in to understand what is really going on.
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on May 6, 2021 0:57:37 GMT
It is really hard to be alone when everyone else is paired up. I would speak with your daughter and meet this person before hand and then make a decision. Be kind to your daughter. If it were me I would take whoever my child shows on the trip because I would trust my child that they would choose a good person.
|
|
|
Post by nlwilkins on May 6, 2021 1:24:28 GMT
DH isn’t crazy about taking somebody we don’t even know on the trip because of the cost. My thought is we were going to incur that cost anyway. . . Thoughts? Wouldn't the cost be more with a friend instead of a husband? The husband would have been sharing room and bed with your DD, while the friend probably would prefer to have her own bed and possibly her own room
|
|
|
Post by lisae on May 6, 2021 1:45:25 GMT
Family only is my vote. It isn't so much the cost but having a stranger in the group. That will change the dynamic.
If you continue to consider the friend going, to me the most important thing is how the kids feel about this friend, not what your other daughter thinks. The kids are losing their dad and their feelings need to be a higher priority.
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on May 6, 2021 1:45:45 GMT
I would keep with family only. Tough as it sounds, DD is going to be alone with kids from now on, get used to it. There's a big difference between being alone with your kids in your own house and your own neighborhood and routines and taking them on vacation.
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on May 6, 2021 1:53:50 GMT
It’s a family vacation. I’m in favor of only family coming along. Not friends, especially if your other kid is going to be uncomfortable around her sisters friend. There are a ton of friends I'd much rather travel with than family - so I have zero issue with inviting a friend to come along. For me it's more than the OP doesn't know the individual - that makes it unknown to how the personalities will mesh.
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on May 6, 2021 3:46:16 GMT
I think if your DD needs the support of a friend right now with the separation, I would take that into consideration. She might need the extra moral support. I would not make a decision without having a sincere talk with DD. I can’t imagine she’s wanting to bring this friend just because. DD has a reason for wanting to bring her on a family trip. You may not like the answer but I think it’s unkind to prioritize everyone else’s wants over hers without delving in to understand what is really going on. I would assume your DD wants a friend along for her own support as much as a helper with the kids. It would be really tough for anyone to go on a happy family vacation at the moment your marriage is falling apart. How will you feel if you say no to the friend and then DD decides it is too much for her right now and backs out, too? Or asks you to take the kids while she stays home/goes somewhere else?
|
|
used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,077
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
|
Post by used2scrap on May 6, 2021 4:03:38 GMT
Family only is your prerogative But be prepared separating dd may not feel comfortable going either.
|
|
used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,077
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
|
Post by used2scrap on May 6, 2021 4:04:50 GMT
I would keep with family only. Tough as it sounds, DD is going to be alone with kids from now on, get used to it. Damn With family like that I’d definitely not be going
|
|
|
Post by Laurie on May 6, 2021 4:18:13 GMT
I think if your DD needs the support of a friend right now with the separation, I would take that into consideration. She might need the extra moral support. But what about the other dd? Man, this is a tough situation. I understand wanting someone there especially if everyone else is coupled up. However, other dd might have a valid reason for not liking her. One thing I can say is the vacation would be different for me if non family went along. I am more at ease and comfortable when it is just family.
|
|
|
Post by busy on May 6, 2021 4:47:10 GMT
I think if your DD needs the support of a friend right now with the separation, I would take that into consideration. She might need the extra moral support. But what about the other dd? Man, this is a tough situation. I understand wanting someone there especially if everyone else is coupled up. However, other dd might have a valid reason for not liking her. One thing I can say is the vacation would be different for me if non family went along. I am more at ease and comfortable when it is just family. Why is that DD more important than the one who is separating? Why can’t that DD suck it up for her sister, whose life is falling apart? Idk, maybe that’s the answer right there to why she wants to bring a friend.
|
|
|
Post by worldwanderer75 on May 6, 2021 5:44:41 GMT
I say no one goes if SIL doesn't go. My sister brought a friend on a family vacation shortly after her divorce (so a very similar situation) without telling anyone and it did not go well. My sister's friend felt awkward so my sis spent most of her time alone with the friend. It was a bummer.
|
|
|
Post by snugglebutter on May 6, 2021 6:18:12 GMT
I might also vary my answer depending on the type of trip and age of kids etc like others have mentioned. I do think that the SIL not going is best. We did a vacation with extended family when my dad and his ex were getting ready to divorce. It was so awkward and stressful for us kids. I think it was done to appease my grandparents or something.
|
|
|
Post by Lindarina on May 6, 2021 10:39:13 GMT
Is there a solution somewhere in the middle? Maybe a more distant relative that your daughter feels close too, that could help. Like a cousin you all know and like?
I would not bring a friend, especially since there’s negative feelings towards this person already. That could become an awkward trip really fast.
|
|
|
Post by gramasue on May 6, 2021 11:04:42 GMT
I would want to know more about why other DD doesn't care for this person. Is it purely a personal thing or does she think that the friend would not fit in well with the family? There are many questions you should ask before making a decision, and you should definitely meet this friend beforehand if you decide that she can come along. You and DH have put out a lot of money for this trip and you don't want it ruined by ill feelings and awkwardness.
|
|
peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,946
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
|
Post by peppermintpatty on May 6, 2021 12:21:00 GMT
I would keep with family only. Tough as it sounds, DD is going to be alone with kids from now on, get used to it. This isn't a true statement. Not being a fan doesn't mean that there is ill will towards this other person. Your other DD needs to explain why she feels this way. It most likely will be something minor. This friend is obviously important to your DD and probably has provided support during this whole time. Maybe your DD doesn't want to deal with the family and possibly judgements that may come about because of the separation. I don't know your family dynamics and without that, no one here can make a good decision. Every situation is different. Personally if my DD was going through this and a friend was there for here and being a huge help, I would let the friend come along. If your family doesn't want to or won't step up all the time to help out so your DD can actually relax and not be "on" all the time, then you need to either bring someone to be that person or allow her to bring her friend. This is my take on family. You can't choose your biological family but you CAN choose your extended family and those who support and love you. I have friends who are closer to me than my family and if I had to spend a week with my friends or my family, I would choose friends any day.
|
|
paigepea
Drama Llama
Enter your message here...
Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
|
Post by paigepea on May 6, 2021 12:27:39 GMT
Stbx stays home DD’s friend stays home
If it’s a family trip then it’s a family trip.
If your dd wanted to take a long time BFF that you knew well and was like family (to help combat any feelings of the separation, etc) then that is a diff story. Someone you don’t know at all whom you have to pay for - nope. That will change the vibe of your trip. I agree with your dh for many reasons.
|
|
|
Post by elaine on May 6, 2021 14:20:17 GMT
If money is the main issue, it would be fairly simple to let DD know that friend would need to pay for herself. Although if she is sharing the hotel room, I wouldn’t insist on that since it is already being paid for. DD’s friend should pay for food, entertainment, etc. If it is a cruise, DD’s friend should pay for a portion to cover her food expenses. That part of the equation seems fairly easy to take care of. If I were the friend, I certainly wouldn’t expect my adult friend’s parents to pay my way.
Single parenting is hard, especially on “vacation,” depending on the age of the children. If the family isn’t willing to provide and commit to substantial help - if the kids are under 12 - then it may be less stressful for DD to stay home. In which case, ALL of the family should support that and not try to guilt her into going. DD is going through a stressful enough time as it is. If family is putting her needs/wants second, they need to be willing to support her if she puts her needs first and stays home.
It is interesting to me how different family cultures can be: it would never occur to Dh or me to not welcome the friend. Just as it seems that even more people here would definitely limit it to family by blood or marriage. Neither way is wrong, just different.
|
|
|
Post by disneypal on May 6, 2021 14:46:35 GMT
If it were me, I would want to keep it to the family unit. But that's just me. Same here - I would just tell DD that you want to keep it "family" and since you don't know her friend, you don't want to pay for her trip.
|
|
thatonegirl
New Member
Posts: 2
May 5, 2021 20:44:53 GMT
|
Post by thatonegirl on May 6, 2021 14:56:29 GMT
It is interesting to me how different family cultures can be: it would never occur to Dh or me to not welcome the friend. Just as it seems that even more people here would definitely limit it to family by blood or marriage. Neither way is wrong, just different. Which is exactly why I brought it to the peas! We are typically a "more the merrier" type of family. I absolutely want to support DD going through the separation in whatever way she is comfortable with. I also want to honor other DDs comment about not being a "fan" of the friend.
|
|
|
Post by elaine on May 6, 2021 14:59:39 GMT
It is interesting to me how different family cultures can be: it would never occur to Dh or me to not welcome the friend. Just as it seems that even more people here would definitely limit it to family by blood or marriage. Neither way is wrong, just different. Which is exactly why I brought it to the peas! We are typically a "more the merrier" type of family. I absolutely want to support DD going through the separation in whatever way she is comfortable with. I also want to honor other DDs comment about not being a "fan" of the friend. It is so funny that you wrote this, because I had actually typed out that very phrase to describe my family, but then just edited it out in case it sounded to hokey to some. 😁 I hope that you are able to find a solution that both daughters can live with. 😀
|
|
used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,077
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
|
Post by used2scrap on May 6, 2021 16:45:38 GMT
It is interesting to me how different family cultures can be: it would never occur to Dh or me to not welcome the friend. Just as it seems that even more people here would definitely limit it to family by blood or marriage. Neither way is wrong, just different. Which is exactly why I brought it to the peas! We are typically a "more the merrier" type of family. I absolutely want to support DD going through the separation in whatever way she is comfortable with. I also want to honor other DDs comment about not being a "fan" of the friend. I guess I’d try to figure out more what “not a fan” really means. Like dd doesn’t care for the friend because she wears white after Labor Day, or she steals from orphans and made a pass at her husband kind of thing?
|
|
compeateropeator
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,243
Member is Online
Jun 26, 2014 23:10:56 GMT
|
Post by compeateropeator on May 6, 2021 17:15:00 GMT
While the more the merrier has its place, so does a true family trip. IMO it probably depends on the family dynamics and the actual trip. We have taken many family trips and having one person that is not really known or that everyone is comfortable with would really change the dynamics and comfort of the trip for all of us, but especially for my sibling.
That doesn’t mean that it would be a bad trip, just not a family trip where there are a lot of inside jokes, stories, bonding and our family letting our hair down and not worrying about things that you might not necessarily put forth in front of others.
There also would be no doubt or question that everyone would help with the kids, as it is a family trip and that is what we do. This is done often as we have a family camp that we all stay at and the kids are a communal effort, so that would not be a valid reason for our family.
Also I am the single in the mist of couples and that never has made me want to bring a +1 on our family trips. So for my family, I think the answer would be no, if the SIL isn’t going that spot stays open. But all families are different.
Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful trip no matter what your decisions is.
|
|
|
Post by peasapie on May 6, 2021 17:39:43 GMT
I know most people are saying family only, with the most common rationale that people get along with those they know. But we have lots of family members I wouldn't want to vacation with, so that makes no sense to me.
Also do you know for a fact that all the family members are even going to want to help take care of her kids and will actually DO it? When my kids were young, if I didn't have an adult around to help with diapers and feeding, a vacation would have been a nightmare.
I'd want everyone to enjoy themselves, so I would let my daughter invite a friend. She's going to have a tough enough time going through the trauma of a divorce; she of all people would benefit from a little vacation time with a friend along.
|
|