thatonegirl
New Member
Posts: 2
May 5, 2021 20:44:53 GMT
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Post by thatonegirl on May 5, 2021 20:50:19 GMT
(Posting anonymously because contains dd personal info that hasn’t been shared yet and I know people IRL who read the board)
We gifted our adult children and grandchildren an expensive family trip. DD just announced she and SIL are separating. She asked him to still go on the trip but he doesn’t think he wants to.
DD suggested she take a friend on the trip to help with her kids. There are plenty of people who will help with the boys. We have never met the friend she would like to take (not romantic friend) but other DD knows her pretty well and isn’t a fan.
DH isn’t crazy about taking somebody we don’t even know on the trip because of the cost. My thought is we were going to incur that cost anyway, but I also respect that other DD isn’t the most comfortable.
Thoughts?
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Post by cadoodlebug on May 5, 2021 21:00:51 GMT
If it were me, I would want to keep it to the family unit. But that's just me.
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Post by christine58 on May 5, 2021 21:00:56 GMT
DD does not bring soon to be ex or a friend. If your other daughter does not care for this other person--why should she have to put up with someone she does not like?
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Post by beepdave on May 5, 2021 21:01:05 GMT
If STBX-SIL doesn't want to go on the trip, I say no one takes his place. I agree that there will be many family members available to help. It would create a dynamic in your group that could be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.
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tanya2
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Post by tanya2 on May 5, 2021 21:01:36 GMT
definitely a bad idea to take any people on a family vacation that doesn't get along with someone else (and I found this out the hard way!!)
just tell her you would like to keep it to be just family this time
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Post by Lexica on May 5, 2021 21:02:16 GMT
It sounds like your separating DD feels she needs a little moral support at this time and has anxiety about taking her kids by herself. But I can see how not knowing someone would really throw a wrench into a family vacation for the rest of you. Traveling with someone, even someone you know and like, can be really stressful. People have such different ideas about vacations and how to spend their time.
I personally would not be comfortable with the risk of damping the fun for everyone by adding a newcomer. Can you sit down with your DD and assure her she won’t be handling her children by herself and let her know that this is a good time to start getting used to not having her DH around and learning to trust that the family will step up to help?
How long is the trip and when would you be leaving? If you decide to include the friend, I would highly suggest a few dinners or day trips with them to test the waters.
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Post by ~summer~ on May 5, 2021 21:07:15 GMT
I think I would not invite friend along especially if you are paying for everything and it will incur extra cost. I don’t like the idea of bringing someone along I don’t even know.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 5, 2021 21:09:17 GMT
If STBX-SIL doesn't want to go on the trip, I say no one takes his place. I agree that there will be many family members available to help. It would create a dynamic in your group that could be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. I agree with this commentary. It's hard enough to be on vacation (mutliple personalities, way of doing things, accommodating everyone's likes-dislikes-needs-wants, etc...) with those we know, adding someone we don't know makes it even harder. The newly separarated Daughter should just bring her and her children. |
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Post by jubejubes on May 5, 2021 21:12:31 GMT
This is a family trip and you are paying. Especially since a family member isn't a fan of the friend who wants to come along.
Only family. No exceptions.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on May 5, 2021 21:25:02 GMT
i agree with everyone else.
i could understand if you gifted the trip to just her family and she was nervous travelling alone with the kids - but there are other family members to help.
the fact that other DD doesn't care for her intended +1 AND you and your DH don't know her, well that is just the cherry on top of "umm... no. family only".
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tanya2
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Post by tanya2 on May 5, 2021 21:42:16 GMT
where are you planning to go? will it be a lot of family togetherness or will there be opportunities for alone time? maybe your dd is worried about being lonely, or being a third wheel?
but I stand by my earlier statement - bad idea!
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on May 5, 2021 21:42:29 GMT
Nope. Tacky of her to ask.
If you don't have the heart to say no, at least say "sure, here's the cost of the trip for the guest, I accept cash or VENMO". THAT will probably end the discussion right there.
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scorpeao
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Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on May 5, 2021 21:48:37 GMT
Is everyone else in the family coupled up? I know in my family if we all went on a trip together and it was all couples I'd want someone there as my +1 just so I didn't feel alone.
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Post by jenjie on May 5, 2021 21:54:03 GMT
It sounds like your separating DD feels she needs a little moral support at this time and has anxiety about taking her kids by herself. But I can see how not knowing someone would really throw a wrench into a family vacation for the rest of you. Traveling with someone, even someone you know and like, can be really stressful. People have such different ideas about vacations and how to spend their time. I personally would not be comfortable with the risk of damping the fun for everyone by adding a newcomer. Can you sit down with your DD and assure her she won’t be handling her children by herself and let her know that this is a good time to start getting used to not having her DH around and learning to trust that the family will step up to help? How long is the trip and when would you be leaving? If you decide to include the friend, I would highly suggest a few dinners or day trips with them to test the waters. This. And the rest of the family needs to step up and actually help and not complain about it. |
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ellen
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Post by ellen on May 5, 2021 22:06:00 GMT
If I were the friend I would not want to vacation with a family that I don't know. I wouldn't want a stranger tagging along on my family vacation.
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Post by hopemax on May 5, 2021 22:09:02 GMT
Does DD have any friends that you would be comfortable taking and not a stranger? That would be my only suggestion as a compromise. If she has a lifelong friend everyone already knows. Otherwise, I agree with everyone else. Your trip and you shouldn't be stuck with someone who might make the trip more difficult to enjoy.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 5, 2021 22:19:24 GMT
I learned the hard way that there are people that I enjoy traveling with and people that I do NOT. I would not throw an unknown person into an expensive family vacation - even without the added red flag of the other DD not liking her. I absolutely agree with previous posters that family needs to actually be helpful with the kids and aware of a couple dynamic.
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scrapngranny
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Post by scrapngranny on May 5, 2021 22:19:52 GMT
No friend. Family only. The way I did it one year was blood relations only. SIL qualifies because he is blood related to your grandchildren.
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PaperAngel
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on May 5, 2021 22:48:35 GMT
If it were me, I would want to keep it to the family unit. But that's just me. Agreed. Plus, it sets a precedence for this & future trips that non-family member can attend. If grandchildren are (& will eventually be) teens or adults & has a significant other or friend who they want to invite, will you also pay for them? I would imagine the children, whom it sounds like are young, would rather spend time with (read: be spoiled by) grandparents/extended family than tag along with mom & her friend. Perhaps the friend knows something the family does not & your daughter does not think it will be well-received, so she wants to bring her along at your expense. Hope you have a safe & fun trip! |
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pinklady
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Post by pinklady on May 5, 2021 22:55:32 GMT
There's not enough info in your post. Where are you going, how are you getting there, what are you doing while there?
For example, if the hotel room is already paid for with a double occupancy, why not let her bring a friend? If it requires a plane ticket, if the friend paid her own flight, why not let her come?
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Post by jemmls4 on May 5, 2021 23:03:44 GMT
If STBX-SIL doesn't want to go on the trip, I say no one takes his place. I agree that there will be many family members available to help. It would create a dynamic in your group that could be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.  |
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Post by Tearisci on May 5, 2021 23:14:52 GMT
I think if your DD needs the support of a friend right now with the separation, I would take that into consideration. She might need the extra moral support.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on May 5, 2021 23:18:34 GMT
Family trip! How are you so sure it isn't romantic?!?!? If she can't trust family to help her with her kids, could she stay home alone with them?
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Post by summer on May 5, 2021 23:24:58 GMT
I wouldn’t bring the friend along. Keep it a family trip but be sensitive to her being without a partner, don’t make her feel like the odd one out and everyone should pitch in and help out with the kids whether it’s keeping them entertained, keeping an eye on them or helping with whatever care they need.
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Post by SallyPA on May 5, 2021 23:28:26 GMT
Family only.
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Post by elaine on May 5, 2021 23:34:34 GMT
How old are DD’s kids? Do they have special needs? Who is willing to step up to the plate and actually commit in writing/schedule to help with them?
I got suckered into a vacation without Dh where a number of people swore - verbally - that they would help me with the boys. Not one of them lifted a finger to help me when we got to the tropics and there were so many more appealing things to do than help me with my children.
I still bear a HUGE grudge about it. I wish I had never gone and have bad-mouthed the people who said they would help me amongst a number of professional circles.
If you, your dh, and your other adult children aren’t willing to make a substantial and honest commitment to help your DD with her kids, then either welcome her friend with open arms or let your dd know the lay of the land: that you can’t really commit to help enough that she can take a shower by herself, or get her own food at the buffet by herself, or that someone will help cut up food, watch kids at the pool while she runs off to pee, etc. - and let her know that she may be better off at home in this high time of stress as she is in the midst of a divorce.
There is absolutely nothing worse than vacationing with your young kids by yourself with other adults who don’t step up to the plate to help in significant ways.
I think that it is awesome that she has a friend who is willing to come and help her with her kids and would be so happy that was the case.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 5, 2021 23:38:16 GMT
I would need to know a whole lot more about the situation before I decided if I was in your shoes.
Is the single DD the only child not paired up with a partner? Is she worried about managing her kids alone? What are the ages of the kids? Does your family have a history of saying they will but not really helping? (My family is like this)
The other DD. I think "uncomfortable" is such a wussy, coverall word. What is her exact problem with the friend? There are a lot of people who make me "uncomfortable" but one of them will be coming to my house for a bonfire next weekend. Just because there's something about him *I* don't like doesn't mean my DH doesn't get to be friends with him.
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kate
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Post by kate on May 5, 2021 23:45:19 GMT
And the rest of the family needs to step up and actually help and not complain about it. I was thinking this, too - it's easy to say, "Oh, there will be plenty of hands to help," but then there is also a diffusion of responsibility... Maybe family members could plan times that they will be with the boys? Is there a "kids' club" at the vacation place, so DD could have some time off? Are her kids the only ones of their age, or will there be cousins to hang out with? If there will be other kids of comparable age, then maybe DD and the parents of the other kids can do some trading off supervising the cousin group. Another idea is to HIRE a babysitter (NOT a friend) for the trip - someone whose job it will be to look after the boys while Mom has fun, and who will not be at every family meal or outing. ETA I am not a fan of bringing the friend. I went on a small group trip with some very old friends, and one brought an extra (new to us) friend at the last minute. The extra was a lovely person and we all got along quite well, but it wasn't the intimate experience we had planned. In 20 years, will you be looking at those treasured family photos and wishing that it was a "just us" experience? And the fact that someone in the family is already not a fan of DD's friend... I dunno. I wouldn't want that. |
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Post by myboysnme on May 5, 2021 23:46:12 GMT
My immediate thought is no, I would not be paying for the friend. But if I liked the friend and she was close to the family and a big support to DD then possibly. But otherwise, no.
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Post by epeanymous on May 5, 2021 23:47:14 GMT
I was about to say something along Elaine's lines -- my answer here depends in part on how old the kids are, do they have special needs, and do people actually help out? I've gone on *so many vacations* with DH's family where I end up spending the entire time being a nanny whose job it is to make sure my young kids don't bother anyone while they are having adult conversations or relaxing with a drink, don't drown in the unfenced pool, get fed something they'll actually eat, etc. Certainly no one helps, but/and also they have an expectation that I manage my kids in ways that are much more intense than I would do at home (eg, my kids are pretty used to participating in all sorts of discussions because that's what we do here, and I completely respect that the relatives may not want that participation, but now I have to make sure my kids aren't annoying anyone, so . . . more work). I come home from those trips completely fried, and *that is with having my husband there to at least watch the kids long enough for me to bolt down a cold hamburger once everyone else has eaten.*
Anyhow, I probably just made this about me, and not you, so sorry! But there is often a context to things like this, and while there may not be one here -- I am sure you are lovely -- maybe there is a history that makes her feel like this trip is unmanageable. That doesn't mean she has to bring along a friend your other daughter doesn't like -- I wouldn't want that either -- but if she has young kids, maybe either letting her bring a friend your other daughter does like, or coming up with a concrete plan for how people will help with the kids (which could include paid help -- I remember going to a resort that had child care and thinking "ah, so this is what that is like") would be helpful.
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