twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on May 7, 2021 6:07:27 GMT
My preference would be family only for the trip. And I would make it clear to other family members that we would be taking a village approach to childcare on the trip.
However, I would also volunteer to keep her kids for “a week with grandma” so she could get away with a friend on her own time. Or just chill and have uninterrupted time to herself to get stuff done. Or not—just vegging out for a few days at home binge-watching Netflix in her pjs or reading or whatever has it’s benefits, too.
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Post by lesserknownpea on May 7, 2021 8:47:31 GMT
If I were going through the heartbreak of separation, and my sister managed to eliminate my help with the children, and I was supposed to be satisfied with the vague promise of “help” from family members, which doesn’t mean much when you’re up all night, or feeding, dressing, diapering, monitoring so no one drowns, especially in the case of children who may be confused and emotional over their changing family dynamics, and I’d have to ASK family members who are enjoying themselves on vacation for each and every instance of help, or worse, having them swoop in and assume they know what we needed... I’d just stay home.
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Post by gar on May 7, 2021 14:18:55 GMT
If I were going through the heartbreak of separation, and my sister managed to eliminate my help with the children, and I was supposed to be satisfied with the vague promise of “help” from family members, which doesn’t mean much when you’re up all night, or feeding, dressing, diapering, monitoring so no one drowns, especially in the case of children who may be confused and emotional over their changing family dynamics, and I’d have to ASK family members who are enjoying themselves on vacation for each and every instance of help, or worse, having them swoop in and assume they know what we needed... I’d just stay home. That's quite a pessimistic view of it! You wouldn't want to ask but you wouldn't want anyone just to step in either? I know it's not the same for all families but we tend to go on one family villa holiday a year and everyone just pitches in looking after g/son without any planning or asking. We all love playing with him and it's very much a team effort - the only time it's mentioned is if DD and her Dh are going to be out of sight and then one of them will check that one of us is 'with him'. We all end up take turns with bedtime because it's fun, and with things like having him sit next to us at meals etc etc just because we're all engaged and looking after each other - not like a rota that we all resent. It's just a given, all done without a fuss or requests or resentment and I can't imagine sitting there reading and watching DD struggle and not just help out. Maybe we're weird.
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Post by Miss Ang on May 7, 2021 17:14:43 GMT
Is that portion of the trip that covers him already paid for? And is it refundable?
If it's money already spent I can see taking someone else so it doesn't seem wasted but to be honest, I probably wouldn't and just want it to be family.
If it's refundable or money is not yet spent, I would not want someone else to go with us in his place.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,619
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on May 7, 2021 19:06:41 GMT
It's just a given, all done without a fuss or requests or resentment and I can't imagine sitting there reading and watching DD struggle and not just help out. Maybe we're weird. I don't think you're weird, but not all families work this way. Certainly DH's family doesn't and the times we were all on vacation when our kids were small I didn't expect anyone else to watch them but myself or DH. Part of it is family dynamics, and part of it was we just don't get together very often so my kids don't know other family that well. No way would they have been willing to have bedtime with anyone but us. We'd leave them with his parents for an evening out, but that was pre-planned.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 7, 2021 19:14:40 GMT
Given the variety of replies here, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. No one solution will satisfy everybody without prioritizing one person over another. I'd look into skipping the trip this year because I hate drama.
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Post by bigbundt on May 7, 2021 22:38:58 GMT
I agree with Peas that there are too many unknown factors to give an answer. You need to ask point blank why daughter wants friend to come along, does the friend provide more support than the family? You need to ask the other daughter for concrete examples of why she doesn't like the friend. Having those answers might help you decide or help you come up with alternatives.
However I am surprised at the Peas who suggest that maybe the daughter should just not go if it too much without her friend there. WTH? This sounds like a milestone family trip and I would rather have an additional person included or hire a dedicated babysitter than the off chance that my daughter and kids decide to not go. First she loses her marriage and then her family thinks she shouldn't go on a trip that everyone else in the family is? I'm with QueenofSloths, I'd have to seriously think about postponing a year.
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Post by julieinsweden on May 8, 2021 6:44:07 GMT
Holidays with young kids is hard work with two parents. Doing it alone is exhausting.
The fact that she wants to bring a friend to help, indicates she doesn't trust that she will actually get help from family.
I think a plan for who will be assisting when might help convince your daughter.
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Post by gramasue on May 8, 2021 12:24:28 GMT
I hope the OP chimes in again, and lets us know what she and her DH decided about this issue.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,878
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 8, 2021 12:52:41 GMT
My only thought was that bringing along a friend can be fraught with "who pays for what" even in "all inclusive" vacations. Is the friend going to expect this is one big freebie? Will the friend insist on paying for things they don't need to etc.... I would prefer it to be family only but I really hope family steps up to help newly separated sister. For real.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 8, 2021 21:16:35 GMT
Personally, I’d be family only. It sounds like you other DD and DH agree. You’ve presented it as a “family” trip. Nobody but your DDx2 know this other person. Why would your DD think nobody will help with her kids? Is everything already paid for? What about incidentals, how awkward is that going to be? It’s more headache than I’d want to deal with on a family trip.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,015
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on May 8, 2021 21:39:39 GMT
It's a family vacation. What makes your daughter think the friend is going to want to help children that aren't hers? I would not take the friend. It would be one thing if it was someone you all were close to. But this friend is a stranger on a family trip. I would tell your daughter she can't bring the friend, but assure her that you will help with the children.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on May 8, 2021 22:24:26 GMT
I've skimmed through all 3 pages, and I haven't seen that the OP has come back an answered questions. The ages and number of kids she has, and how many siblings and other people going on the trip makes some difference in my opinion. My first instinct is to say that since this trip was gifted as a family trip, that is how it should stay, especially if there are family members that don't want this person coming. If this was a trip that they were all doing together, but each family group/individual was paying their own way, I'd probably feel differently about a friend going. I'm sorry for those of you who can't count on support from your families. It would just be a given to me to help with my brother's kids when I was with them (and he or my SIL, with mine). Whoever was nearest the kid when they needed something, just took care of it. I went to Universal Studios a couple weeks ago with my best friend, her husband and their kids. They're 12 & 13, (so not little ones that need constant care), but I still looked after them the same way I did my own on vacation (and got after them when they're being sassy just like I did my own ).
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Post by shessoaverage on May 8, 2021 22:43:22 GMT
I agree, not enough information. If it’s a beach house or something, sure, the more, the merrier. If you’re paying for airfare, rental cars, and tickets to attractions, it’s kind of presumptuous to expect you to pay for it all.
It’s sad for the whole family that a divorce is happening. Hope everyone heals from that pain.
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Post by gar on May 8, 2021 23:43:16 GMT
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Post by Katiepotatie on May 9, 2021 0:32:40 GMT
No to the friend. It’s a family vacation.
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