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Post by workingclassdog on Jun 25, 2021 19:24:57 GMT
I do a spot check on my DD (just turned 13) phone once and awhile (i'm pretty lax in this.. I forget so it doesn't happen much).. That is our rules that I can just pick up her phone and see if things are on the up and up. Nothing weird. Most of the time everything is fine. She does have a good friend who she chats with... the conversation is fine.. usually some game they are discussing. But I do notice the other girl cusses which has led my DD to do the same.
I totally get cussing happens. They are gonna do it. Heck the words are used around our house.. nothing very deep.. I stay away from the F word as much as possible.. but it does come out once and a blue moon. I blame that one on work. HA..
When I see cussing in the text.. which is a lot of the F word from her friend.. I usually say something like "I know kids cuss, but I would like you to not cuss or I don't like it when I hear it from kids.. something like that.
The main thing is I just don't want her to be in everyday conversations when she gets older and be out in public and every other word is the F word (or whatever).... like they don't even know they are saying it anymore. I have sat down at a restaurant and can listen to someone and I am just flabbergasted how loud and how many cuss words can be in just one sentence.
But like I said.. we do cuss .. It's just not every other word in a sentence.
Do you say something to your kids? Do you let it go? It doesn't matter? OR not allowed and punished?
Just curious how other families handle it, if they do. I am not asking what I should or should not do..
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 25, 2021 19:29:06 GMT
My kid is now 17, so older.
When they were that age, and really even now, they don't get to cuss freely in front of me. I know kids cuss and that is fine, but they need to learn time and place not just for parents but for life.
For instance, I cuss like a sailor but my students have rarely heard me and those that have, it has been during my plan or after school when there shouldn't be students. I don't drop the f bomb in front of my boss, thing like that.
But they don't get in trouble for it, I just act shocked or say excuse me or something.
In a text? Yeah, that wouldn't bother me at all
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jun 25, 2021 19:32:48 GMT
I didn't allow my dd to cuss in front of me at that age, but I didn't reprimand her when I'd hear it or see it. She's now 24 and curses like a sailor....in fact, she's literally a sailor. I only reprimand her now when we are in public and she's doing it in front of children. And even then, it's a 'shhhh, kids are listening."
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,302
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Jun 25, 2021 19:43:07 GMT
My DD #1 started dropping the F-bomb a lot in 8th grade. I told her that while *I* don't have an issue with it (imo words are just words unless someone attaches meaning to them), she did go to a private Christian school and her dad would not appreciate that word being thrown around at his house or at school. So, I simply told her that in some places there are consequences to choosing to use that word and if she got in trouble, she would have to accept those consequences. She got very good at self-regulating. LOL
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,703
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Jun 25, 2021 19:47:10 GMT
I taught my kids that there are no "bad" words since words just convey meaning, but there are appropriate times and places to use certain words, and they'd better learn quickly where and when to use those words. I also told them I would not back them up if they used those words in places where they shouldn't. They figured it out.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Jun 25, 2021 19:47:13 GMT
Only two of my kids cussed/currently cuss. One is an adult. The other is 17. Neither of them whip out the f word in front of me or in a situation where it would inappropriate. So I’m lax in how my minor child chooses to speak with friends or in text. Every other word out of mine and husband is a cuss word. But we also know when to zip it. I feel like I’ve been real with my kids, Ie not hypocritical. And I trust them to represent themselves appropriately.
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garcia5050
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Posts: 2,770
Location: So. Calif.
Jun 25, 2014 23:22:29 GMT
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Post by garcia5050 on Jun 25, 2021 19:51:46 GMT
I cuss. A lot. So I feel like it would be hypocritical of me to get on their back for cussing, so I leave it alone. My daughter (now 16), prefers not to cuss. That’s fine. Son does, but doesn’t overdo it, though he’s been playing tackle football since he was 10, and cussing kind of comes with the territory. Not a big deal to me. My mom was fine with cuss words, as long as they were in Spanish.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,804
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jun 25, 2021 19:55:30 GMT
DH and I cuss freely in the house, temper it when we are out with others. The 5 year old will cuss at home and we remind him that those words are ok at home but not when out of the house. He’s starting K this year, at my school. I’ve already told him he will get detention for swearing and I will not fight it. The 10 year old knows the words but rarely, if ever uses them.
I call the “sentence enhancers” in my 6-8grade classroom. Kids get ONE warning and then detention every single time after. I do not cuss in my classroom/in front of students. I say damn and hell a frequently “oh my Jesus.” One of my kids said I shouldn’t say that. I replied with !”I’m asking him to give me strength to no strangle someone right then.” 🤣
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jun 25, 2021 19:55:50 GMT
I’m more of a “know your audience” type person. Cussing in front of grandma…..no! Cussing when you hammer your thumb in the garage…..don’t care.
Ds20 has a bit of a potty mouth and sometimes we remind him that you can make your point without the language. I don’t mind some occasional cussing for emphasis but he can take it a step too far sometimes.
As I was typing this I heard ds10 in the other room, on PS4 with a friend drop the f-bomb so I yelled in “hey, mouth!”. That’s about as much “trouble” as he’ll get into for it unless it becomes excessive. He doesn’t have a phone but if he did and there was cussing in his texts to friends I wouldn’t care too much, again unless it was every other word or something.
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Post by aj2hall on Jun 25, 2021 20:17:26 GMT
Dh and I rarely cuss. My boys are older - 21, 19 & 16. Like others have said, it depends on the audience. If they’re talking to friends, we don’t say anything. Sometimes it’s more noticeable when they just return home from college. We ask them not to and remind them to be especially careful in front of grandparents or other older adults.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jun 25, 2021 20:17:37 GMT
Okay sounds like where I am at as well.. I know punishing probably does nothing and not the fight I want to fight.. and it doesn't bother me. She knows it's not a thing to do but if it happens "hey mouth" is where I am at. And she knows very well if it is at school or in front of other adults/elders.. that is NOT acceptable, I won't back it up.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 25, 2021 20:18:09 GMT
My kid is now 17, so older. When they were that age, and really even now, they don't get to cuss freely in front of me. I know kids cuss and that is fine, but they need to learn time and place not just for parents but for life. For instance, I cuss like a sailor but my students have rarely heard me and those that have, it has been during my plan or after school when there shouldn't be students. I don't drop the f bomb in front of my boss, thing like that. But they don't get in trouble for it, I just act shocked or say excuse me or something. In a text? Yeah, that wouldn't bother me at all This was my policy from late middle school on. I’d say I did spot checks on their phones through middle school and then let them free in HS. When my DD helped me set up a second Facebook page at about 13, I realized that she knew way more about the internet than I did. I told them to be smart and I think they were pretty good kids. They seemed to have turned into adults who are productive members of society.
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oh yvonne
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Posts: 8,062
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jun 25, 2021 20:41:45 GMT
I swear when I drive, mostly the a-hole word and here I tend to but IRL no. None of our friends or family do either except for one friend and her husband and its jarring to hear.
I agree that it can become a habit if you are around a friend who cusses a lot, it can be easy to pick up on it. I grew up in a rougher neighborhhod and the kids swore something awful. I'm lucky in that younger DD's friends are all the non cussing sort either, and she hates to hear it. We've had conversations about cursing and its looked down upon in my circle. Its just crass and there are always 'better words" to choose.
But dang my potty mouth when I drive. I always apologize to DD when I do, lol.
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Post by Lexica on Jun 25, 2021 20:50:53 GMT
My son said a horrible word when he was about 3 or 4 years old. I was having a Friendsgiving dinner with about 20 people, both kids and adults. The dinner was over and the kids were playing and chasing each other around in the living room. The bulk of the adults were in the family room sitting in front of the fireplace and having coffee. The kids ran by and I heard my boy say, "Come back here you racial word!" and the room froze. I have never been so mortified in my life. The other kids didn't react so I don't think they understood what was wrong.
I got up and led my son upstairs to his room so I could talk to him privately. I told him that he had said something very very bad and that I didn't think he understood just how wrong it was. He asked what bad word he said and was more curious than scared of being in trouble. I told him the word he used and that it was absolutely positively not an acceptable phrase to EVER use. He said his dad said it all the time and wanted to know what it meant.
I knew that he was just parroting what he had heard from his dad quite frequently. I told him we would have a lengthy conversation about bad words and cuss words after all of our guests left and that he could ask me as many questions as he wanted to, but for now, I asked him to go downstairs and apologize to everyone for having to hear that phrase. He apologized, but it was obvious that he had no idea just exactly what he was apologizing for. I knew his father had no filter whatsoever and I had heard him say that dozens of times myself.
When all the company was gone, we sat down and I explained that some words were bad because they were very hurtful to other people and some words were just cuss words that were not polite to say. He listened very intently and typical for him, he wanted a list of cuss words. He said how would he ever know what not to say if I didn't give him a list of those words. He was a really precocious kid.
After fully explaining why the racial word was never ever to come out of his mouth again, and how very hurtful it would be to certain people; people that we were friends with, he got it. Then I went over a few of the cuss words that I knew he had to have heard from his father and explained why they were rude to say in front of others. I knew that forbidding cuss words would just make him want to say them so I told him that as far as the actual cuss words went, he was allowed to say them as long as no other person was ever forced to hear them. I told him he could ask me about any word if he wasn't sure it was a cuss word or not.
I equated cussing with things that he did that were just plain rude for him to do in front of others. Like picking his nose or farting. Nobody wants to see or hear that. Well, maybe his male cousins did. I reminded him that he was allowed to do those things, of course, but that he knew he needed to excuse himself to the bathroom or outside so as not to subject others to it. I said it was similar to cuss words. I told him when he felt the need to say a word like shit or damn, to go upstairs and say it into his pillow so that no one else was subjected to it. I also told him it made him sound uneducated. That seemed to really bother him because he took pride in being one of the smartest kids in his school and among his cousins. He had always had a thirst for the meaning of words and he had a great vocabulary. That made his father upset with me because my son frequently used words that his father didn't understand and his dad thought that I was teaching our son just to embarrass him. My son eventually learned to recognize the look on his dad's face when he didn't understand something and my son learned to explain a word's meaning to his dad. God, he was so cute!
After our discussion, he asked if he could go give it a try right then. Sure. He went to his room and I heard a muffled mumbling followed by peals of laughter and giggles. When he came back down, I told him I didn't hear any cuss words so he was doing it correctly and was welcome to do that whenever he wanted to. He is very well-spoken and I suppose an occasional "shit!" might pop out now when he drops something, as it does with me, but I've never heard it. I also never heard him say anything into his pillow again. I think giving him permission just took the wind out of the words.
The next time his father picked him up for his weekend, I asked him to please be conscious of what was coming out of his mouth because his son was listening and worse, repeating. He got really angry and defensive. He demanded to know why I thought he was the one cussing around our son and that he was picking up words from kids in preschool. I told him the word my son used. I have never heard another human being say that. My ex actually went red and apologized, a first for him. He knew darned well that he was the one saying that and said he would do his best to clean up his mouth around our boy.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Jul 8, 2014 16:31:47 GMT
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Post by Loydene on Jun 25, 2021 20:52:11 GMT
When DS was younger, I didn't permit "bad language" - and I curbed my own as well. If he let something slip, I would insist that he knew 3 - 5 synonyms that were "acceptable" in "polite company" - and had the ability to spell all synonyms. WE talked about language and use of language and what others could perceive because of our use of language.
Now - he is in his early 30s - and I only mention his language (privately to him) when the "f" bomb is flowing too freely.
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Post by huskermom98 on Jun 25, 2021 20:53:08 GMT
DH never cusses and I very rarely cuss (out loud, usually only when something bad happens unexpectedly, but I try not to do it too loud) so it's not a habit our boys have picked up. Neither of us like cussing so on the rare occasions the boys have something even close to swearing we do say something. That's as close to punishing as we get, but we certainly aren't going to allow it either.
I'm sorry, I just don't like it and see no need for it in everyday, general conversation. I'm sure it has to do with the environment DH & I were both raised in as neither of our families are big swearers. So no, I don't want my boys cussing around us.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jun 25, 2021 20:55:52 GMT
I really just want to add.. racial terms are NOT acceptable at all.. in private, public, or in your head. NO WAY.. I would rather hear the F word a million times before I hear the utterings of any racial terms.. like the N word. If I EVER heard my kids at any age say that, I would beat their asses. (Not really.. but there would be some talking to.. )
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Post by padresfan619 on Jun 25, 2021 21:05:13 GMT
I love a well placed curse word in conversation but now a lot of my friends have kids at the age where they can repeat everything, so we are having to edit ourselves a lot. I believe that as long as it’s used in the right context and not in a hateful way against someone, or at school I won’t punish my kid for cursing.
My mom tried to cover up her foul mouth by always saying “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”
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Post by busy on Jun 25, 2021 21:05:56 GMT
DH and I swear, but rarely in front of DS (13). The worst "swearing" I've heard from him is saying something sucks, and that has only been a couple times. He doesn't seem to swear with his friends, either, though they do. Our rule about swearing is we don't want to hear it, and we don't want to hear about him swearing in front of other adults. What he and his friends say/text to each other is fair game. When I was in junior high, "everyone" swore all the time. Absolutely excessively. I know at this point, even if he's not swearing himself, he's exposed to it all the time and I'm not interested in controlling how he communicates with his friends. But I also think it's important to have a strong on/off switch. My parents don't really swear and I don't swear in front of them, never have. I don't swear at work. And because I've always had boundaries around it, I don't slip up and say something inappropriate at the wrong time. I want DS to develop that reflex too.
As he gets a little older, if he starts to swear (which honestly, I'm not sure about - with his personality, I can see him not ever being much of a swearer), it will be fine within the immediate family (me, DH and DS). But I don't see myself swearing freely in front of him until he's at least college age 🤷♀️
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Post by busy on Jun 25, 2021 21:07:27 GMT
Now - he is in his early 30s - and I only mention his language (privately to him) when the "f" bomb is flowing too freely. Why do you feel the need to say anything to a grown man about his language?
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Post by littlemama on Jun 25, 2021 21:08:16 GMT
I think that as long as she understands there is a time and place for swearing and in private conversation with friends is one of them. If she busts out with Damnit! in front of grandma, that is not the time or place.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,804
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jun 25, 2021 21:12:32 GMT
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 25, 2021 21:13:15 GMT
Jimmy Buffett's Cussing Island
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Jul 8, 2014 16:31:47 GMT
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Post by Loydene on Jun 25, 2021 21:18:01 GMT
Now - he is in his early 30s - and I only mention his language (privately to him) when the "f" bomb is flowing too freely. Why do you feel the need to say anything to a grown man about his language? I consider that a Mother's prerogative - and it has only happened in a family gathering and is too common when he's had too much to drink. I would have privately curbed anyone's language in that sort of setting as "oldest sister prerogative" and because I get tired of hearing everything referred to as a "fucking blah blah".
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jun 25, 2021 21:20:24 GMT
After our discussion, he asked if he could go give it a try right then. Sure. He went to his room and I heard a muffled mumbling followed by peals of laughter and giggles. When he came back down, I told him I didn't hear any cuss words so he was doing it correctly and was welcome to do that whenever he wanted to. This reminds me of when ods was around 4 and wouldn’t stop saying “poopy”. I told him it was a bathroom word and he could say it as much as he wanted….but only in the bathroom. So he went into the bathroom and stood there saying “poopy” over and over for quite awhile. Then he came back and was done. 😆 One if the easiest and most effective discipline methods we’ve ever tried.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 25, 2021 21:27:57 GMT
This is one area Ex & I disagreed.
He is MORTIFIED if the kids even said crap. And yes he yelled at them for it. ( and yet he had no issue calling me a bitch so they could hear )
Me I’m like ‘crap’ is the least of the worries to begin with. I’m not ever going to take issue with crap when it could have been shit. But I’m probably not going to take issue with shit either. It’s just words. But in reality it isn’t the word that is an issue but the context. If you have an issue and say crap out loud to yourself - whatever. If you tell someone the look like crap, that could be an issue. If you stub your toe and say ‘fuck’ I’m not going to get my knickers in a wad over it. But if you tell someone else fuck you then I do have an issue with that. I took issue with words that were unkindly aimed at others whether or not they were ‘curse’ words. Does that make sense?
Ex was hypocritical that kids should be somehow better than his example 🙄
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jun 25, 2021 21:35:23 GMT
We're a cursing house.
I have two funny stories:
1. we were in the grocery store parking lot and a lady cut me off. I yelled "you fucking idiot!" and my daughter, who was 3 at the time, said from the backseat: "Mommy! You said a bad word! We're not allowed to call people idiots!"
2. A friend of mine grew up in a house of cursers, but the curses couldn't be used "aggressively" or against each other. So they could say "I fucked up" but not "fuck you." Funny how families figure these things out for themselves!
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Post by gramasue on Jun 25, 2021 21:36:42 GMT
I cuss from time to time, but not in normal conversation. I think I was about 35 years old before I heard my mother say sh*t and that was when she burned her forearm taking something out of the oven. I remember being quite shocked, as I had never heard her cuss before.
I know my kids cuss, but they are pretty careful around me. It's not that I admonish them for it, but I think it's just a respect holdover from when they were young and I appreciate it. My youngest DD swears like a trooper, but does try to temper it around me. Her sentences are sprinkled with ***cuss*** and then "Sorry, Mom".
I have always had one rule, though. You can say any cuss word you like, but do not take the Lord's name in vain.
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 25, 2021 21:38:58 GMT
My oldest yelled at the TV while watching a player get knocked over the boards to bench "that's right sit your ass down" when he was 5 ish (give or take a year). That's when we had the discussion that some words were okay while watching sports but not elsewhere
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Post by leannec on Jun 25, 2021 21:57:55 GMT
My family is pretty good about swearing when we are around each other but when the opportunity really calls for it we use it ... youngest is 18 I am a teacher and I actually use the F-word a lot these days among my teacher friends because our year has been terrible The students cuss ALL THE TIME ... I teach junior high ... it's mainly in the hallways but sometimes in the classroom ... it sucks!
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