bergdorfblonde - update 9/13 Gary health top of OP

You've gotten some good information from tinydogmafia. Our experience with my stepdad in hospice was that they kept him comfortable- it was no longer important to have him on blood pressure or diabetes meds at that point.

Something that may help is to have a friend be present at the next few appointments. They can help listen and take notes for you, so you arent as overwhelmed with what you are hearing.

Im so sorry you are going through this. My prayers are with you as you navigate this time.

Oh Bergdorfblonde. I sincerely hope that you can feel all the love and support we are sending to you. Huge hugs and love. ❤️

@bergdorfblonde You've been given lots of good advice.

I just want you to know that I am so very proud of you. You are a pillar of strength for Gary (whether you feel that way or not right now).

You have so much new information to digest right now. And decisions to help make. You are doing remarkably well during an incredibly difficult time.

I will continue to keep you & Gary in my thoughts.

((Hugs)) to you both.

Is it possible for your brother to dial in to the discussion and advocate for you guys? In my experience, doctors are not as good at communication as they think they are, when speaking to non-medical people. Perhaps if you brief your brother on your concerns and what you want to know, he can listen in on the conversation and ask the correct medical questions to get answers for you. I'm not saying that you are not able to do it yourself, just that doctors sometimes think they are being clear, when they are not.

What others said about hospice follows pretty much my experience with hospice last February and March. It was so confusing, so agonizing to make these decisions. So many complications and what if's. My husband was on hospice for about 5 or 6 weeks before he passed away. All said and done, I have to admit going to the hospice we chose was the best decision we could have made. Jared passed away very peacefully in his sleep, in no pain. I feel like I got a lot of support from the hospice and actually plan to contact them soon about how to get through the holidays (I did go to their 6 week session of grief support and found it helpful).

I wish I could do something to help prevent you from going through this agony. Just know that I and so many Peas here have been in a similar journey and we are here to help you. The journey does not end after our loved one is gone. We will stay with you on this journey as we have stayed with each other here (one reason I love 2Peas Refugees so much).

Please try to rest tonight. Easier said than done I know. We are surrounding you two with love and care.

I can not comment on the hospice part but I just want to reach through our screens and give you a big tight hug. Know that you are both in my thoughts daily and I pray for comfort and clarity for you both. ❤

I’m so sorry. I wish you and Gary strength and comfort.

I have nothing of any significance to add other than my continued support and warmest thoughts to you both. I admire you greatly @bergdorfblonde for holding it together when your mind and heart must be in constant free fall.

I wonder if your friend who brought pizza would be willing to be with you during your next meeting? Her support and recent experiences may help steer the conversation to give you answers to questions you don’t even realise you have.

I know you have so much to sort out and time is not on your side ,it probably feels like a whirlwind and decisions need to be made.

I know this will sound impossible because there is so much to do but in the middle of all this turmoil and heartache that you are going through if you can take some time out and just sit and be together.

Even if it just for an hour or so, block the whole world out. Just concentrate on the two of you.


This is something I wish I could have done differently when my Mum was dying.
So much of my time was spent trying to organise better care for her and battling with the hospital that precious moments just to sit and be with her were lost.

Sending you both lots of hugs.

First...my heart absolutely BREAKS for you having to go through this.  I am sooooo sorry.

Second, I wanted to chime in on my experience dealing with cancer and loved ones.  My dad discovered his liver cancer very late and there wasn't even time for chemo or anything.  I cared for him until the last few days until we brought hospice in.  For all my days, I will say a prayer of blessing for the nurse that was with us.  She would make people leave the room at times so I could have special one on one time with him.  I was actually not there when he passed because I was at the pharmacy getting his pain meds refilled.  As soon as I came back, the hospice nurse made everyone leave so that I could have some time with him even after he had passed.  She was so comforting and told me how peacefully he passed.  She said and did things for me that I didn't even know I needed at the time.  Hospice workers (for me) are just angels on Earth.  I cannot sing their praises enough.

My grandmother had several boughts of cancer.  The last one was throat cancer.  I had a frank conversation with her about how she wanted to treat it.  I told her that the question to be answered was did she want quality of life or quantity.  Her children were pissed with me that I was so frank, but I was actually her medical POA (long story).  In the end, she opted to go with the aggressive chemo/radiation treatment.  IT WAS HELL.  She couldn't eat/swallow/drink/taste and ended up having a stomach pump put in.  She had her voicebox removed to remove a tumor.  The cancer came back and spread quickly to her lungs, sinuses and brain.  Her last year of life was just an absolutely hell on earth.  She did spend her last week in the hospital hospice.  When she passed, I was thankful that she no longer suffered.

I imagine that you feel like you are on a speeding train that is so loud you can't even think or get your wits about you.  I mean, that is how I felt in both those situations as I was their primary caregiver.  There are hard questions you must ask and that is why I told you about the above.  I had two very different situations.  I made some wonderful memories with my father in the few weeks that we had.  He was able to eat and laugh and go places.  I also made some sweet memories with my grandmother in the the year we went through her treatment.  She was able to see my DD that was born in the midst of her treatment.  She actually delayed her tumor removal surgery so that I could give birth to DD and she could see her.  Only you and Gary know how to answer these questions.  I agree with the Pea that asked if you had someone with medical knowledge to help with outside opinions.

It's just a shit journey.  No two ways about it.  TOTAL SHIT!  My heart really hurts for you and Gary...and just your whole family.  I am so sorry.  Just know that you WILL get through whatever happens.  You are not alone....even though we are on the internet, there is a whole Pea army here to support you and lift you up.

All my love to you and Gary.

I am so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts.

This is lovely and the perfect thing to say. Sending my thoughts and love to you too.

I don't know if I did this correctly, but I was trying to quote what Lettuce said.

My husband of 51 1/2 yrs (we were actually together 60 yrs as we have been together since we were 13) passed away 03/25/2021 of Kidney Cancer that went to the lung and then to the brain,  after beating it back for the last 5 years.

My biggest regret is at the end when we called in Hospice, I still wore my "Caregiver" hat. I was so concerned and worried and scared and I really thought he would pull out and amaze the doctors once again. I think about it every day still. I wish I had just let Hospice be the "Caregiver" and that I sat with him more and just held his hand and told him how much I loved him and our wonderful life together. I sat with him and told him all these things and held his hand, but I wish I had stayed in that chair beside him instead of checking the charts and questioning the Hospice workers to make sure they were taking care of him the way he should be taken care of. They are trained professionals or you would not have them there.

My wish for you is that you just sit down beside him and hold his hand and keep telling him how much you love him.