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Post by melissak on Jul 3, 2014 2:39:32 GMT
Pretty rude, yes. That said, I'd probably roll my eyes and move on, then bitch to DH about it later I agree and would do the same!
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Jul 3, 2014 2:46:01 GMT
Well, I wouldn't really consider my MIL a "guest" but family. So I wouldn't think it's too rude. I maybe would have asked her 1st if dinner was ok. My SIL actually does the same thing at holidays, and I always thought it was weird, not rude. ha I agree with this. If DH or DD didn't like what was being served, they would be expected to get their own too. I kinda agree with this. It might rub me a little since I prepared dinner, but if she found something else on her own and didn't expect me to cook something separate, I'd let it go.
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eleezybeth
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Post by eleezybeth on Jul 3, 2014 2:49:29 GMT
I see this through the relationship I have with my in-laws and own mom. Rude. Not because I'm uptight but it is just the way they are. They would do it for some passive aggressive lesson I need to learn. I ask my mom for her wanted menu when she comes. She requests it, I cook it, she will make herself a fried egg sandwich. That pisses me off. She thinks I'm a horrible cook because I use spices. The horror. So I cook our favorites her way and she still won't eat it. Every time I go through a great deal of planning to make her happy, I fail.
MIL tries to cook everything so she can control the menu. I don't care for what she makes. I'm allergic to onions, she refuses to leave them out. She claims I'm faking. She will eat what I cook but has lots and lots of comments and has done exactly what your mom did.
Seriously can't wrap my head around someone not asking if they can spend another night. To assume just seems rude.
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Post by Goldynn on Jul 3, 2014 2:52:49 GMT
Pretty rude, yes. That said, I'd probably roll my eyes and move on, then bitch to DH about it later This^^^ DH and I usually end up quite amused by this kind of stuff ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg)
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Post by peasful1 on Jul 3, 2014 2:52:55 GMT
Maybe I'm overreacting here, so I'm asking the peas. My MIL is here for a couple nights. She lives 2 hours away. She was supposed to go back this afternoon but she decided to stay for another night... Without asking I might add. So tonight at supper (beef enchiladas), as my husband and I were dishing up food for the kids, she gets out some fast food leftovers she brought with her when she came up and pops them in the microwave. Wth?! I said "Gee MIL, that's kind of rude." She responded that she has never really liked tortilla shells. She only likes tacos. My husband said "well this is pretty much the same thing." Ugh. So am I crazy or was that just completely rude? I would never in a million years do that as a guest in someones home! If I didn't like tortillas, I would have picked out the meat and cheese and everything inside and not eat the tortilla shell. Plus I think it's such a bad example for my kids! If grandma doesn't have to eat the same supper, then they don't have to eat the same supper as us either. Ok. Rant over. Thanks for listening. Yes, maybe rude, if you are a very formal family, but your pointing it out to your husband's mom? Equally rude. had you stopped for two seconds and used your imagination, you may have been able to surmise for yourself that there was some portion of the meal she didn't like. I wouldn't care. I cook meals for others that I don't even eat (I'm a vegetarian). So, yeah, I wouldn't have eaten your enchiladas, either. Personally, as a host I would feel bad that I cooked something my guest didn't like. But that's me. We usually say, "Hey, we're thinking of making xyz tonight, is that something you like to eat?"
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Post by spitfiregirl on Jul 3, 2014 2:55:02 GMT
I'm glad you see that it's more how you feel about her than it is this situation. I don't think she broke a cardinal rule of etiquette. This would be rude: we have a good friend who came to visit us when we lived in Chicago (she had recently moved from Chicago.) We had her over for dinner and the doorbell rang. It was a delivery from her favorite sushi restaurant: she wanted sushi and ordered it to be delivered to our house, while we were having dinner. Sushi for her - not everyone. To me, all rudeness is measured against that standard. thats rude!
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Post by keknj on Jul 3, 2014 3:07:33 GMT
I'm another who considers in laws more family than guest....I'm not sure I would think it quite rose to the level of rude for me, but sort of eye-rolly. I guess I would be glad that she didn't expect me to fix something different for her. As far as the example for my kids, if they had any question my response would be that grandma is an adult and can make her own food choices, but they are expected to eat the supper I prepared for them. I don't have a problem with different rules for adults and kids.
Yup, this is how I feel.
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Post by finally~a~mama on Jul 3, 2014 3:09:40 GMT
Rude, but the kind of rude I could shrug off. Now the inviting herself & extending her stay without asking, THAT would piss me off and I'd be telling her no, that won't work for us.
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:38:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 3:12:09 GMT
I think the part of her extending her stay without warning is rude. Maybe that's actually irritating you more than the food? But then her actions at dinner were the icing on the cake? If so, I don't blame you one bit! That's definitely a huge part of it. We've had many issues, big and small, with her over the years. Our entire family is on edge when she's here.
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:38:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 3:15:43 GMT
Has your DH extended an open invitation for her to visit at any time? I think this is one where you let DH handle the staying arrangements and you agree on the timing/frequency beforehand. Work as a team if you can! See, I think it would have been ruder for her to pick at the food that you made and then possibly eat the leftovers later. Oh god no. DH dislikes her more than I do. And that is not an exaggeration. She was a pretty crappy mom to he and his sister. But that's beside the point. He would never extend an open invite. He and I have talked about it and we both agree that two nights is her limit
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:38:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 3:22:17 GMT
Just on the scenario you stated in your OP I would not consider it rude. But, obviously there is more going on than just the dinner so you are already upset. You said she only lives 2 hours away and comes to stay for more than half the week. Does she not like to drive? Does she live far from work? Is she going to be doing this every week? Because, in-law or whatever, that would get old FAST. I would set boundaries as kindly, but firmly as possible. Make statements and don't ask if that works for her. lol. Just tell her what you can do and what you expect. She doesn't have a job. She lives on disability and welfare (another thorn in my side, because it is completely living unnecessarily off the system.) She comes up to go to the kids tball or softball practices and games. Why would she even need to come to all the practices?! Most of the parents don't even do that! But it goes like this: DS has tball Mon, Neice softball Tues, DS tball Wed, Neice softball Thurs. Then she'll decide to stay through the weekend for whatever reason. (Niece's horse show, the fair is in town, etc etc etc.)
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:38:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 3:26:41 GMT
Maybe I'm overreacting here, so I'm asking the peas. My MIL is here for a couple nights. She lives 2 hours away. She was supposed to go back this afternoon but she decided to stay for another night... Without asking I might add. So tonight at supper (beef enchiladas), as my husband and I were dishing up food for the kids, she gets out some fast food leftovers she brought with her when she came up and pops them in the microwave. Wth?! I said "Gee MIL, that's kind of rude." She responded that she has never really liked tortilla shells. She only likes tacos. My husband said "well this is pretty much the same thing." Ugh. So am I crazy or was that just completely rude? I would never in a million years do that as a guest in someones home! If I didn't like tortillas, I would have picked out the meat and cheese and everything inside and not eat the tortilla shell. Plus I think it's such a bad example for my kids! If grandma doesn't have to eat the same supper, then they don't have to eat the same supper as us either. Ok. Rant over. Thanks for listening. Yes, maybe rude, if you are a very formal family, but your pointing it out to your husband's mom? Equally rude. had you stopped for two seconds and used your imagination, you may have been able to surmise for yourself that there was some portion of the meal she didn't like. I wouldn't care. I cook meals for others that I don't even eat (I'm a vegetarian). So, yeah, I wouldn't have eaten your enchiladas, either. Personally, as a host I would feel bad that I cooked something my guest didn't like. But that's me. We usually say, "Hey, we're thinking of making xyz tonight, is that something you like to eat?" Huh. To be honest, I was offended so I wasn't concerned with being rude. You're right though. It was rude of me to call her out on it. I didn't think of her not liking them, simply because I've made her tacos before and knew she liked that. Enchiladas were what I had planned for supper so I stuck with it.
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Post by *Scrapper*Stamper* on Jul 3, 2014 4:11:07 GMT
Honestly, I love and adore my in-laws. I also know how rare that is and appreciate it greatly. Neither situation would even be a blip on my radar. My mother in law is a breast cancer survivor, so my time is spending time with her and being extremely grateful to have her in my life period. We never know if/when there could be a recurrence. We pray there never will,but the knowledge is there. I love ad respect my in laws more than I do my parents. They choose to participate in my life, my parents do not. ![:'(](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/cry.png)
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Post by Chips on Jul 3, 2014 4:57:20 GMT
After hearing more about the history of your mil, I think she's a bit of a nutter. Her eating leftovers for dinner would not be rude to me but considering she didn't help with dinner or give you forewarning that she'd be eating leftovers is a clue that she's in it for herself.
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Post by ctpea on Jul 3, 2014 5:00:25 GMT
I would care less about the food but that's just me. What peeves me off is my IL's inviting themselves over without checking w us. We've had to put our foot down but over the years they have not changed. It's worse now that they had a falling out w my BIL & his wife in December, so they rarely stay there anymore.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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cycworker
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Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 3, 2014 6:18:58 GMT
I don't have an issue with her eating her leftovers, as they were hers. She bought them. Now, if she had eaten your leftovers, with no consideration as to whether you had plans for them (say, you planned to have them for lunch the next day), THAT would be rude. I'm not particularly bothered by the notion that she set a bad example for your kids. I don't actually think she did. I think there's nothing wrong with teaching a kid that if you don't like something, you can have something else as long as it's not work for other people. If she'd demanded you cook her a separate meal rather than just taking care of it on her own, THAT, again, would have been rude & a poor example. I think there is a point to which we need to trust our kids to know their own tastes/preferences. I'm not talking about being a full blown short order cook. I just mean, 'Oh, ok, you don't like X? You can have a sandwich or eggs." There were definitely a few nights growing up where I had one or the other due to an intolerance for something my parents were wanting for dinner (usually stuffed peppers or chili).
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 3, 2014 6:22:47 GMT
What is rude is her staying on an extra night without asking you.
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cycworker
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Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 3, 2014 6:23:29 GMT
I see this through the relationship I have with my in-laws and own mom. Rude. Not because I'm uptight but it is just the way they are. They would do it for some passive aggressive lesson I need to learn. I ask my mom for her wanted menu when she comes. She requests it, I cook it, she will make herself a fried egg sandwich. That pisses me off. She thinks I'm a horrible cook because I use spices. The horror. So I cook our favorites her way and she still won't eat it. Every time I go through a great deal of planning to make her happy, I fail. MIL tries to cook everything so she can control the menu. I don't care for what she makes. I'm allergic to onions, she refuses to leave them out. She claims I'm faking. She will eat what I cook but has lots and lots of comments and has done exactly what your mom did. Seriously can't wrap my head around someone not asking if they can spend another night. To assume just seems rude. I would stop cooking for her. And I think I'd stop eating anything she cooked.
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Post by gar on Jul 3, 2014 6:55:19 GMT
Pretty rude, yes. That said, I'd probably roll my eyes and move on, then bitch to DH about it later I agree and would do the same! Me too. Your MIL sounds so very different from mine that it's quite hard to imagine your scenario actually, especially with the uninvited staying over etc...that just wouldn't happen here, but given yours is prone to this sort of thing it'd be hard to be shocked or upset about it.
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paget
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Post by paget on Jul 3, 2014 7:15:42 GMT
I think it's rude but I wouldn't have said anything.
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Post by junebugz on Jul 3, 2014 10:46:58 GMT
Yes, rude but I would not let it bother me. Sounds like she has more going on then not liking what you. Had prepared for dinner.
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Jul 3, 2014 12:15:11 GMT
Well, I wouldn't really consider my MIL a "guest" but family. So I wouldn't think it's too rude. I maybe would have asked her 1st if dinner was ok. My SIL actually does the same thing at holidays, and I always thought it was weird, not rude. ha I agree! Plus, it's a given that mothers do what makes them happy. Lol. I learned not to take stuff personal.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 3, 2014 12:26:55 GMT
Not asking permission to stay is the first rude thing from this MIL. My parents live across the country (not a stupidly tiny 2 hour drive) and they would never think of calling up and dictating when they come and go. Now granted, my parents are pretty laid back and don't expect to be catered to, but they would still say "we're thinking of x dates, how does that work with you guys?" and usually, because they are people who enhance the household (my father insists on doing some kind of household repairs or renovations when he comes... something we've been trying to get to but just haven't had the time. I am very lucky for that) instead of pulling it down (like the MIL in the OP), they are welcome to come whenever they want.
I don't think it's rude to have something different than what's made for dinner (says the vegetarian in a meat eaters' world) but the way she went about it was completely wrong... and extremely rude.
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Post by Kelpea on Jul 3, 2014 12:35:59 GMT
Rude but what can ya do? Throwing a little devil's advocate here, but that generation is always about the leftovers! My Grandma used to eat her dinner leftovers for breakfast all the time. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) Sorry that she was annoying, though.
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Post by krc11 on Jul 3, 2014 12:42:10 GMT
Whatever sleeping arrangements you have for her - I'd get rid of it so it isn't so homey and comfortable for her to come four nights week after week. If you have a perfectly comfortable guest room, she'll keep coming. I think I might have to start storing stuff in that room -- still have a bed so when guests come, but just not that inviting for those guests that come at the drop of a hat and without warning. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/Q_m8lDOvc_3Le3r1GKdf.jpg)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:59:58 GMT
If neither you and DH want her to visit that much or stay that long, then someone needs to step up to the plate and say something. And I agree with Karen that maybe you need it to be less comfortable or inviting.
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Nanner
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Post by Nanner on Jul 3, 2014 13:04:22 GMT
It wouldn't bother me, nor would the changed schedule. Its family and family is always welcome at my house - for a day or for a week
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Post by cyndijane on Jul 3, 2014 13:05:12 GMT
Well, I wouldn't really consider my MIL a "guest" but family. So I wouldn't think it's too rude. I maybe would have asked her 1st if dinner was ok. My SIL actually does the same thing at holidays, and I always thought it was weird, not rude. ha This is us. But at the same time, my MIL doesn't really take our plans/wishes/desires about when she visits. But she's FAR from us, so we'll take her whenever. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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Post by lovemybabes on Jul 3, 2014 13:16:02 GMT
Yeah, kinda rude, but I would just let it go. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg) Sorry she acted like that.
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Post by LovMelrose on Jul 3, 2014 13:19:16 GMT
A little rude, yes but not worth being upset about. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you.
My MIL was here visiting from Florida a couple weeks ago. One day I spent part of the afternoon making lasagna, salad and garlic bread for dinner. She saw me making it and never said she wouldn't be eating here. Everything was ready and she announced she was going to visit some friends. She never ate. Whatever.
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