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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 3, 2014 13:32:44 GMT
Definitely rude on her part. Who does that?!
But, just shrug your shoulders and forget about it. You have no control over her bad manners.
And don't worry about what her example says to the kids. Just because grandma does it doesn't give them a free pass to do it too. They'll learn from your examples, and if it comes up in convo, just explain calmly to them that it was rude, and something they should never do as a guest.
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Post by LAM88 on Jul 3, 2014 13:52:08 GMT
The rudest part of this story is you telling your MIL she is being rude. I think what MIL did was odd, but I would have just shrugged it off. But on the flip side, I totally get how if someone bugs you to begin with, every little thing they do bugs you too. She comes up to go to the kids tball or softball practices and games. Why would she even need to come to all the practices?! Most of the parents don't even do that! But it goes like this: DS has tball Mon, Neice softball Tues, DS tball Wed, Neice softball Thurs. Then she'll decide to stay through the weekend for whatever reason. (Niece's horse show, the fair is in town, etc etc etc.) I would kill for a MIL who took an interest in her grandkids. My ILs are 1.5 hours away and never come to anything of my children. They've never been to piano recital or band concert or sports event of any kind. They even missed their 8th grade graduation last month, but did travel 1.5 hours in the opposite direction to the graduation of a friend's kid, and they don't even know the kid. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 3, 2014 13:53:13 GMT
Your post about her coming for to see the grandkids' activities makes me wonder if she's just lonely. Is there a reason she lives 2 hours away if so much of her family is in your area (you also mentioned a niece). If you really don't like guests, you might encourage her to relocate closer.
I am not a fan of separate meals, so I agree with you that it's rude. I am on a different page with the visits though - we have an open door policy and both my parents and my inlaws are known to visit with very little notice and stay indefinitely. Hearing that a grandkid has a horse show that weekend, they wouldn't hesitate to stay a few more days. They're not guests, their family. They're welcome as long as they like.
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Post by lindywholoveskids on Jul 3, 2014 16:39:39 GMT
A bit rude. I think the whole story isn't here, because it seems like there is a lack of communication.
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Post by pastlifepea on Jul 3, 2014 16:55:15 GMT
The first time my mother-in-law visited us after we were married she brought my sister-in-law as well. I usually cook dinner every night and assumed I would be cooking for them as well. The first day they were there I was making a lasagna in the kitchen for dinner while visiting with them. They went out go shop for awhile and came back at dinner time with bags from Arby's for their dinner. I was pretty shocked and offended but didn't say anything as I didn't feel it would do anything but stir up problems. They continued to consistently go out and get take out food every night for their dinner.
Over time, I have learned that that is just how my MIL is. She pretty much will only eat fast food or pre-made packaged meals. I won't even get started on the non-compliant diabetic thing. It doesn't hurt my feelings anymore as I have realized it isn't about me or my cooking but that is just her way.
So while I do think that yes, it was sort of rude but I wouldn't make an issue of it. The staying an extra night thing was a little rude too as it probably would have been better just to ask you or your DH if it was okay to stay over one more night.
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edie3
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,516 
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Post by edie3 on Jul 3, 2014 16:56:21 GMT
My MIL would come and stay for 1 week or longer. One trip, she was never up when I took DS to day care. Until, we had a bad ice storm. Had her ass up, watching the weather. I said, "Oh, I hope the day care is open." She said yes it is, not taking the hint. So, of my son and I went into the storm, while she stayed home and watched videos of him. Why videos, you may ask. Cause you can turn those off.
I got tons of them. One month after my father died, she was visiting. My DS happened to say at dinner, I hope Nanna (other grandmother) will not be lonely with Paw-Paw gone. MIL said I've been lonely for 12 years.
Any way, I think the staying longer is rude. A guest, family or not, should not do that.
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Post by Zee on Jul 3, 2014 17:12:14 GMT
The unplanned stays are rude, but I wouldn't care one bit about the food. No one should feel like they have to eat something they don't like just to be polite, and if they're supplying their own alternative? Perfect solution.
My MIL is always eating whatever we have just to be polite, which annoys the shit out of me because I know she complains later if it was too spicy or whatever. Not to me directly, mind you. She's very passive aggressive.
Just go eat your Burger King chicken fingers and onion rings and we'll all be happy.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jul 3, 2014 17:14:31 GMT
I agree - it's family and they should feel free to stay as long as they like (or you can tolerate). HOWEVER, it's rude to not check w/you before extending her stay. What if you had someone else coming for a visit?
And I'm also of the belief that you eat what is served (especially if you weren't expected for dinner, so the cook didn't have the opportunity to find out what you don't care for or are allergic to), no matter how old you are or what the relationship is. I would never not eat something my mother-in-law, sister or friend took the time & effort to prepare. I might pick around things I didn't like, but I wouldn't pull out my own food. Rude might be a strong word, but it's definitely inconsiderate.
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Post by gavinsmom on Jul 3, 2014 17:19:30 GMT
For my family, they aren't really guests. And we are pretty informal with food. Weird but not rude in my book
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,235
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Jul 3, 2014 17:29:26 GMT
Meh, I am kinda on the fence on this one. What I think is a little bit rude is staying another night without asking. The food thing is a little different. I don't think of any of my inlaws as guests in my house, they are family. They can go in my fridge and cabinets without asking. In our family we have a lot of food restrictions, so I am used to not everyone always eating the same stuff.
My mil does drive me batty about 90% of the time. I can't stand it when she expects me to wait on her hand and foot. |
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Post by JBeans on Jul 3, 2014 19:11:30 GMT
Naw, wouldn't be rude in my family. We're really laid back. This. |
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Post by transprntbutterfly on Jul 3, 2014 23:46:57 GMT
Well, I wouldn't really consider my MIL a "guest" but family. So I wouldn't think it's too rude. I maybe would have asked her 1st if dinner was ok. My SIL actually does the same thing at holidays, and I always thought it was weird, not rude. ha I agree with this. If DH or DD didn't like what was being served, they would be expected to get their own too. This. But I can understand why you would be upset. |
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:16:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 17:28:07 GMT
Thanks for the responses and opinions everyone. I really shouldn't have told her that it was rude, that was rude of ME. She just gets under my skin. And as for DH saying something to her, that is not likely to happen, but I will try to behave myself.
I do know that she's lonely. She lives 2 hours, but it is by choice so I think it's her own fault. Her kids, grandkids, and mom and siblings all live up here by us. She has talked about moving up closer to all of us for 5 years, but she hasn't made the move yet. I think the big part of it is that she is a hoarder...like what you would see on tv. I don't think she can bear to leave her home and her "stuff".
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Post by myboysnme on Jul 5, 2014 17:38:07 GMT
I have 2 sons so of course I am hoping that they will not see me as a guest when they have their own homes and are married, and that I will be welcome to stay as long or as briefly as I like as long as I am considerate and kind.
I also hope they would let me eat what I want. I know my boys would not give either of those a second thought - it will be their wives who will treat me like an outsider and want to control what I do.
I hope early on in the relationship they will establish in their relationships that parents are family and close family at that, not interlopers or guests. But that's me.
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:16:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 17:45:40 GMT
I have 2 sons so of course I am hoping that they will not see me as a guest when they have their own homes and are married, and that I will be welcome to stay as long or as briefly as I like as long as I am considerate and kind. I also hope they would let me eat what I want. I know my boys would not give either of those a second thought - it will be their wives who will treat me like an outsider and want to control what I do. I hope early on in the relationship they will establish in their relationships that parents are family and close family at that, not interlopers or guests. But that's me. I have three sons, and I respectfully disagree. I would never I think to stay as long as I want to stay. Especially if I only live a couple hours away. I wouldn't think that coming to stay for 4 days or a week at a time was necessary. I hope that as a mother in law I can respect my son and his family's boundaries. When grandma is here, my kids are completely off their schedule and she disrupts our daily lives. It isn't just me as the daughter in law that thinks that. Her son agrees. I hope I'm not offending you by stating this, but it seems that you possibly miss took my statement. And as for the statement about hoping that your sons make it clear that you are family right away and beginning, I don't believe that I've ever said that she is not family. I simply think that when she is in our house she should be more respectful of us and the way we live. In addition to that, I think that she overstep her bounds while at our house. When you are a mother in law, the wife is the lady of the house, not you. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 17:51:25 GMT
I know my boys would not give either of those a second thought - it will be their wives who will treat me like an outsider and want to control what I do. I wanted to address this. I hope that by what I said in this thread that you don't think that I treat her like an outsider or I want to control what she does. Again, I simply think that when she is staying with us in our house that she should respect us, and and that maybe she should help clean up a little bit or not leave so much work for me. She actually makes more work when she comes to visit, not less. I was raised that when I visited in someone's house (family or not) I helped clean and cook and do laundry or whatever needed to be done. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 18:00:10 GMT
Life is too short to get mad about something like this. Seriously. It would have been rude if she served herself your enchiladas and complained and whined about having to eat food she hates. Be glad she feels comfortable at your house. Be glad because I'm sure the peas have mil horror stories that will make your skin crawl. I have crazy stories I would probably make the peas skin crawl. :-) she has called us threatening suicide and when we call the Sheriff's Office, then she pretensd it never happened. She has started brawls at my niece's school about my SIL not letting her see the kids, she has left her pill box full of antidepressants and fibromyalgia pills and sleeping pills on the counter while she was camping with my sons, she has left used lidoderm patches on my end table when my son was just starting to pull himself up on things...ugh, she has been horror over the last 11 years of my life. |
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jul 5, 2014 18:00:19 GMT
To me it would of been more rude to leave take out left overs uneaten in the fridge. To me none of what you described was rude.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 5, 2014 18:04:30 GMT
Well, I wouldn't really consider my MIL a "guest" but family. So I wouldn't think it's too rude. I maybe would have asked her 1st if dinner was ok. My SIL actually does the same thing at holidays, and I always thought it was weird, not rude. ha I agree. I hope my SIL doesn't consider me a guest when I go stay with them. I would do something like this at their house and probably have especially if my DD had made her black bean soup  I don't think it's particularly rude. And I certainly don't feel like I need to ask to extend my trip by a day. ETA: I help cook and cook meals for them all the time when I'm out there visiting. And I help clean up or do all the cleanup too so I'm not totally without manners  This is how we are at my mom's house and I wouldn't expect my MIL to be any different. Sometimes we stay one night, sometimes two, it really depends on what is going on or not going on. We are just really casual and don't get miffed easily. |
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Post by Prenticekid on Jul 5, 2014 21:08:11 GMT
Would you hold your mother to this guest standard? I don't hold family to the level of eating whatever you decide to serve, especially when they provide their own alternative.
FWIW, I love tacos, and I do not like enchiladas and totally avoid them. They are not the same as tacos. If yours are, you are doing it wrong. LOL
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 5, 2014 21:38:12 GMT
The rudest part of this story is you telling your MIL she is being rude. I think what MIL did was odd, but I would have just shrugged it off. But on the flip side, I totally get how if someone bugs you to begin with, every little thing they do bugs you too. She comes up to go to the kids tball or softball practices and games. Why would she even need to come to all the practices?! Most of the parents don't even do that! But it goes like this: DS has tball Mon, Neice softball Tues, DS tball Wed, Neice softball Thurs. Then she'll decide to stay through the weekend for whatever reason. (Niece's horse show, the fair is in town, etc etc etc.) I would kill for a MIL who took an interest in her grandkids. My ILs are 1.5 hours away and never come to anything of my children. They've never been to piano recital or band concert or sports event of any kind. They even missed their 8th grade graduation last month, but did travel 1.5 hours in the opposite direction to the graduation of a friend's kid, and they don't even know the kid. In-laws can rarely win, they either aren't involved enough or are too involved. The Peas have really helped me become a better DIL and a better MIL. Just because my MIL or DIL does something I wouldn't do or does it differently doesn't mean they are rude or mean or anything other than taught differently than I was. I don't know anyone that has never done something thoughtless at some point in their life. |
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Post by myboysnme on Jul 5, 2014 21:47:11 GMT
I have 2 sons so of course I am hoping that they will not see me as a guest when they have their own homes and are married, and that I will be welcome to stay as long or as briefly as I like as long as I am considerate and kind. I also hope they would let me eat what I want. I know my boys would not give either of those a second thought - it will be their wives who will treat me like an outsider and want to control what I do. I hope early on in the relationship they will establish in their relationships that parents are family and close family at that, not interlopers or guests. But that's me. I have three sons, and I respectfully disagree. I would never I think to stay as long as I want to stay. Especially if I only live a couple hours away. I wouldn't think that coming to stay for 4 days or a week at a time was necessary. I hope that as a mother in law I can respect my son and his family's boundaries. When grandma is here, my kids are completely off their schedule and she disrupts our daily lives. It isn't just me as the daughter in law that thinks that. Her son agrees. I hope I'm not offending you by stating this, but it seems that you possibly miss took my statement. And as for the statement about hoping that your sons make it clear that you are family right away and beginning, I don't believe that I've ever said that she is not family. I simply think that when she is in our house she should be more respectful of us and the way we live. In addition to that, I think that she overstep her bounds while at our house. When you are a mother in law, the wife is the lady of the house, not you. That's OK to disagree. You asked for opinions and that's mine. I hope to be a good mother in law though so that they will want me around if I can be. We'll see. |
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lilypop
Shy Member
Posts: 34
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Post by lilypop on Jul 5, 2014 22:01:22 GMT
From reading all your posts describing your MIL, she has disrupted your family for years. I can understand how her recent behavior was just the "last straw" for you, and your response to her. She is a troubled lady. Please find it in your heart to find a way your family can have a better relationship with her.
I have not stayed a night at my children's homes and their ages are 49, 47, 45, and 25. My 25-year-old DD and my two DGDs live with me. My older children and their families visit me and come for holidays.
My sons and their families live about two hours away from me.
I have no plans to stay overnight at their homes. The few times I have eaten at their homes I most often cooked the meals, fed the babies, and always cleaned-up regardless of who prepared the meals.
I love both my DDILs and if I ever offend one of them I hope they let me know what I did right away. I would be humiliated and hurt if I offended them in any way.
Sending peaceful prayers to you:)
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:16:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 22:30:10 GMT
Would you hold your mother to this guest standard? I don't hold family to the level of eating whatever you decide to serve, especially when they provide their own alternative. FWIW, I love tacos, and I do not like enchiladas and totally avoid them. They are not the same as tacos. If yours are, you are doing it wrong. LOL First of all, lol at the taco/enchilada thing!!! Too funny. Second, my mom lives in Alaska, and I am in Minnesota. When she comes to visit, I know its going to be for a week or however long, and she helps IMMENSELY. She helps cook, does dishes, washes & folds laundry, and more. I do the same when I visit her in Alaska. Just because you're at someone else's home and they're family doesn't give you an excuse to not lift a finger IMO. So...yes, I do holf my mom to those standards. Actually that's not true, she holds herself to those standards.  |
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,775
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Post by scrapngranny on Jul 5, 2014 22:38:18 GMT
I wouldn't think too much about it. No extra work or hassle for me, no foul.
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Post by SunnySmile on Jul 5, 2014 23:07:22 GMT
Thanks for the responses and opinions everyone. I really shouldn't have told her that it was rude, that was rude of ME. She just gets under my skin. And as for DH saying something to her, that is not likely to happen, but I will try to behave myself. I do know that she's lonely. She lives 2 hours, but it is by choice so I think it's her own fault. Her kids, grandkids, and mom and siblings all live up here by us. She has talked about moving up closer to all of us for 5 years, but she hasn't made the move yet. I think the big part of it is that she is a hoarder...like what you would see on tv. I don't think she can bear to leave her home and her "stuff". |
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Deleted
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Jul 6, 2024 21:16:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 23:13:02 GMT
I'm only a few posts in to page 1 and I can't get over the fact that you told her (to her face) that she was rude because she got some food out to heat.
Regardless of how rude her behavior is (extending her stay, not eating what's prepared, popping her own food in) you telling her she's rude to her face is absolutely 1000% no better than her worst behavior.
Now to finish reading.
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Scrappin_Mommy
Junior Member
*** Under the baby blue sky, near the beautiful Rocky Mountains! ***
Posts: 63
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Post by Scrappin_Mommy on Jul 5, 2014 23:41:44 GMT
I agree - it's family and they should feel free to stay as long as they like (or you can tolerate). HOWEVER, it's rude to not check w/you before extending her stay. What if you had someone else coming for a visit? And I'm also of the belief that you eat what is served (especially if you weren't expected for dinner, so the cook didn't have the opportunity to find out what you don't care for or are allergic to), no matter how old you are or what the relationship is. I would never not eat something my mother-in-law, sister or friend took the time & effort to prepare. I might pick around things I didn't like, but I wouldn't pull out my own food. Rude might be a strong word, but it's definitely inconsiderate. ^^^ I agree with this! I've had similar issues with my MIL, so maybe I am a little jaded in my opinion. I'm very sorry that your MIL made you feel upset in your own home.  I hope you and your DH can set some boundaries now, so that MIL's visits can be a little less stressful for you. (Again, I've been there, and I feel for you!) ~Ronda |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 17:11:24 GMT
First of all, lol at the taco/enchilada thing!!! Too funny. Second, my mom lives in Alaska, and I am in Minnesota. When she comes to visit, I know its going to be for a week or however long, and she helps IMMENSELY. She helps cook, does dishes, washes & folds laundry, and more. I do the same when I visit her in Alaska. Just because you're at someone else's home and they're family doesn't give you an excuse to not lift a finger IMO. So...yes, I do holf my mom to those standards. Actually that's not true, she holds herself to those standards. See to me, that is the key here: pitching in and helping out and in someone else's home. If your MIL's actions were that of helping around the house, then I think the entire situation would be looked at very differently. But she doesn't and that is where the problem lies. I grew up in a huge Italian family. We all went to each others houses as we pleased. Arrived uninvited and unexpectedly. It's just how the family worked. HOWEVER, we all pitched in and helped with dinner from setting the table, dishing out meals and cleaning the dishes together. Not all families work that way though. My dh's family is completely different. They are all self centered, self serving and don't help out. It's tough for me to relate to that mindset but I deal with it. Not everyone has loving, functional family. |
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Post by smokeynspike on Jul 7, 2014 2:44:11 GMT
That wouldn't bother me at all. It seems like such a minor thing to be upset about. I'd be more upset about her informing me of when she was staying at my house. In our families we don't get hotels but stay in the homes of family members. However, that involves preplanning and mutual agreement.
Melissa
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I don't think it's particularly rude. And I certainly don't feel like I need to ask to extend my trip by a day.
I hope you and your DH can set some boundaries now, so that MIL's visits can be a little less stressful for you. (Again, I've been there, and I feel for you!)
