Feeling broken today

Dear freecharlie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I truly am. I haven't posted about it, but I am in a very similar situation with my husband of 35years. And it totally f*ing sucks.

Hang in there and just keep telling yourself, "f*ck you, Mr. freecharlie" in your head a million times a day. It doesn't change anything, but I feel good doing it anyway.

It's really unfair and it's just wrong. Have you started therapy, yet? Having that safe place to figure things out and heal is essential for you. Your life feels like it's over, but it truly has just begun. Your ex isn't winning here. He isn't happy. He's not feeling anything, because he's drinking through the mess that he has made of his life. Your ex is delusional. Alcoholics aren't happy. They use the beer to be pretend happy. Your ex and the other woman have a relationship is based upon lies and beer. Gee, they must be beyond happy. NOT!

On the other hand, you are very honest and have lots of things to look fwd to in your life. Impossible as it may seem, you have a lot of good stuff in your future. Right now, you're doing the best you can. Trying to make Christmas special for your ds is part of living as-if. In time you'll be enjoying special stuff, too. Keep focusing on healing. You can find moments in your life to enjoy, this season, as well. What are you giving yourself for Christmas? Plan some fun stuff for you and ds. Plan something that you can look fwd to.

It isn't fair. None of this is fair. And it will probably get a little worse once the lawyers start but hang on, it really will get better for you and your ds.

Your son no doubt appreciates what you are doing to keep his world from completely crashing around him. You have your priorities right and you have the strength and the determination to continue move forward and carve out a new life for you and your kids.

You also have all of us pulling for you as well, and I'm sure, a bunch of friends and family in real life.

Your soon to be ex is going to crash and his behaviour now is pretty much ensuring no one is going to want to be around to pick up the pieces.

I'm so sorry. It's totally not fair. It super sucks right now. But it will get better eventually. You are strong and smart and doing what is best for your family, he isn't.

It's not fair. Not one ounce of it. But it is your current situation and for that, I'm so sorry. You are keeping up with everything because that is what a responsible grown up does. Your not-so-DH is not being an adult right now. He's thinking with the wrong body part.

I think he's in for all kinds of issues. I think it is highly unlikely she's going to leave her family and move to him. It may be fun to sneak around and talk about it, but when it's time for forward motion, I highly doubt it's gonna happen. Basically, he'll have ruined his life and it's his own damn fault.

You, on the other hand, will be free of his assholian ways and on your way to living your very best life, whatever that turns out to be. Just keep being there for your ds and keep your eyes on that new life you get to build. Peas got your back, sister! (((hug)))

ETA: I saw what you wrote about teacher salaries in CO. Come on up to WA, where the housing market is also out of control, but teachers are paid fairly well. Low six figures, if you've put in enough years. And your experience/years from other states are counted in your salary placement. 

Take his ASS to the F-ing cleaners. Seriously--he wants out---make him pay for it. Asshole. There will be consequences...just wait and see. There always is and at times it takes a few minutes.

This cannot be overstated. 

It absolutely isn’t fair. But things will get better. I promise they will. You will feel good about yourself when this is over and you get some distance. 

And meanwhile, make sure you have a cut-throat lawyer and get everything you can out of this divorce. Don’t start feeling sorry for him. Don’t let him guilt you into backing off. 

Remember we love you.

Exactly. He wants out? You need to move on?  Give him the out and take his money. Have your lawyer draw up a proposal with the only good thing for him is that he walks away and does it now. You want the house free and clear. You want part of his retirement and half of your savings (including investments). 

One thing that I always tell friends in this situation. In the military, a divorce will get the spouse half of the retirement after 20 years. 25% after 10 years. If the government can recognize the sacrifice a spouse can put into a military marriage, so can a civilian court. 

Any chance you can take the boys and go somewhere warm or just away for Christmas? It could just be for Christmas weekend, but it allows you to not have to think about how to do Christmas this year/how Christmas was in the past when you're feeling so broken. New scenery and time with the boys might provide a good respite. He can sit in the basement on the phone with his hoochie mama and start seeing what he's giving up. You can figure out new traditions next Christmas. You'll be a year out and in a better place. Hugs to you.

I know you can’t imagine a new and different life from the one you’ve had, and the one you expected still to have. It’s really difficult when everything is just turned upside down. And it really isn’t fair. But you’re feeling the pain at the moment, whereas his crashing realisation will come sometime in the future when he understands what he’s lost. Maybe this woman will move to be with him, maybe she won’t. Either way, there’s a good chance he has irrevocably damaged his relationship with your sons. And you haven’t. 

Life won’t necessarily be easier this time next year. And it might still hurt for years to come. My XDH had messaged me to say he was dropping off stuff last night on the way to visit his mum. (He lives 400 miles south of me, she lives 150 miles north.) I very graciously suggested that he and his long term SO stay for dinner and he readily agreed, because I am an excellent cook and he misses my food.   

However, when they arrived it turned out the SO had other ideas. She had packed soup for them to eat in their hotel room (which they hoped would have a microwave. ) XDH didn’t think to tell me this in advance, so the meal I had prepared had to be bagged up and put in the freezer, and I bawled my eyes out while I was doing it. I had no idea why. When my son was hugging my sobbing self, it came to me that I don’t begrudge XDH being happy and settled, I just wish I was too.   But our marriage was completely dead by the time we separated, so being happy could never have happened with him. We’ve been separated for six years now, and generally life is much better. But there are still moments when I mourn the life I thought I would have. 

There will be lots of ups and downs in the coming years freecharlie. It will start with fewer of the former than the latter, but you will persevere and hopefully turn that around. The only thing I would recommend (and it will seem impossible at the moment), is to try not to be bitter. Hate him just now but try not to let that hatred take over your life. Hugs. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if his problems show up later. The drinking is a big problem. Not paying attention to his kids might become a problem later on. You are doing all of the right things. And you have people who care about you. You will get through this and will come out on the other side.

I know someone who divorced in Colorado. They had to split assets and he still had to pay her 3k per month for seven years. I believe it was called maintenance. She worked in the school system and he had a nice paying job.

One of my favorite Christmas memories is each year my dad and I going to pick out the Christmas tree. He took me to several lots and then I decided which was best. He loaded the tree up and we would swing by Krystal to get a sack full burgers before heading home. He never got tired of holding trees up so I could inspect it. Actually, that is probably my favorite memory Of all Christmas memories that occurred each year until I got married.