purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,801 
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Post by purplebee on Dec 5, 2021 22:39:17 GMT
Sending hugs…. You are doing the right thing for your kids, and that is what counts. He’s a jerk and the quicker you are shed of him the better.
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Post by putabuttononit on Dec 5, 2021 22:46:47 GMT
My brother did this to his wife of 25 years. She moved forward with strength and dignity. She finished raising kids (two changed their names when she did - sign of loyalty and they didn’t want his name anymore). Two of his daughters stopped speaking to him. He lost his family and he fell apart so hard (after he lost the home-wrecker woman) that he even lost his job and pension. I look at them now ten years later. He’s a lonely broken man. Regret is etched all over his face. She’s thriving and wouldn’t take him back (he’d like her to) if he was the last man on earth. They say the best revenge is living well. You’re going to get there! Grief and loss is never a place to stay, it’s something you’re going to work through. Right now it sucks.
A counselor is a great idea now and long term. Be picky and get someone you love, and they can give you support nobody else can.
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Post by destined2bmom on Dec 5, 2021 22:52:39 GMT
It is completely unfair and shouldn’t be that way. How did your poor kids take the news? Hugs! Everyone here has given you excellent advice. Take his ASS to the F-ing cleaners. Seriously--he wants out---make him pay for it. Asshole. There will be consequences...just wait and see. There always is and at times it takes a few minutes. You Need To Ask For ALIMONY. If you have been married for more than 20 years; you shouldn’t have a problem getting it. Let his married girlfriend pay for his expenses. He can give everything else to you and your kids. Make sure he pays for expenses for your kids. It's really unfair and it's just wrong. Have you started therapy, yet? Having that safe place to figure things out and heal is essential for you. Your life feels like it's over, but it truly has just begun. Your ex isn't winning here. He isn't happy. He's not feeling anything, because he's drinking through the mess that he has made of his life. Your ex is delusional. Alcoholics aren't happy. They use the beer to be pretend happy. Your ex and the other woman have a relationship is based upon lies and beer. Gee, they must be beyond happy. NOT! On the other hand, you are very honest and have lots of things to look fwd to in your life. Impossible as it may seem, you have a lot of good stuff in your future. Right now, you're doing the best you can. Trying to make Christmas special for your ds is part of living as-if. In time you'll be enjoying special stuff, too. Keep focusing on healing. You can find moments in your life to enjoy, this season, as well. What are you giving yourself for Christmas? Plan some fun stuff for you and ds. Plan something that you can look fwd to. Please don't give up when you have so much happiness in your future. The holidays must be so painful right now, but they won't always be like this. Remember that next year you'll be consoling and advising peas who are going through divorce during the holidays. If need be read the posts from divorced peas who are thriving. That will you be you.
Just T, my words apply to you, as well. Perhaps you can support eachother through this mess. I completely agree with scrapmaven. |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,940
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 5, 2021 23:05:03 GMT
He's investing his time in beer and a woman who's married to someone else and lives far away. You're investing in yourself and your own future and in a good relationship with your son who's there with you right now. I'm absolutely sure that your investments will pay off to a much happier future. except he has zero fricking consequences. He doesn't see the kids turmoil because they hide it well, hell he barely sees them at all. He doesn't care about the hurt he's caused me or our families. Ugh...this sucks He will. It may take time, but he will. One of my supervisors when I was training was a middle aged man who was on his second marriage with another supervisor at the facility. They seemed to have a happy enough marriage but he once confided in me that he left the first wife (with whom he had several children) because he was feeling dissatisfied and thought he'd be happier outside of the marriage. He was seeing a therapist who encouraged him to follow his feelings. And even though he was in a seemingly successful second marriage, he was consumed by regret over leaving the first marriage. His relationship with his children was bad; he had no money and he felt that he acted on an impulse that he didn't really work through. He felt that the therapist he was seeing steered him in the wrong direction (this all came up because I had a client who wanted to leave his marriage and I was trying to help him sort out his feelings) and my supervisor really was unhappy with how everything turned out. My guess is this will happen to your ex sooner rather than later. |
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,597
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Dec 5, 2021 23:07:56 GMT
I have no wisdom to share, but please know I'm thinking of you and sending wishes for your peace of heart.  |
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Post by manomo on Dec 5, 2021 23:10:26 GMT
Mark my word, the day will come when you realize that the tables have flipped. It won't be soon but one day you will look up and you'll be living the content life and he will be experiencing the aftermath of what his choices have brought. I guarantee it.
For now, you have hard work to do, you have tough days ahead but hold on to the belief that you will prevail.
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Post by lisae on Dec 5, 2021 23:18:49 GMT
Your life isn't over. I know it feels that way. You will get through this. You are strong and it will get better. Really, it will.
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Post by cannmom on Dec 5, 2021 23:23:26 GMT
I'm not going to have the money to do anything I would want to do and I won't have anybody to do it with. Teacher salaries in Colorado aren't great and housing market is nuts. Take advantage of him wanting out so bad and push hard for spousal support and plenty of child support. Take into consideration the child that is in college and make sure there are agreements for what your ex will pay for for college costs for both children. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 5, 2021 23:59:19 GMT
If he is drinking so much, he's not happy, and he does know he's hurting you all. This is how he's coping. He's distancing himself and self medicating with alcohol. All the happiness he is showing you, and this other woman is all an act. Remember that.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,840
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Dec 6, 2021 0:02:55 GMT
He's investing his time in beer and a woman who's married to someone else and lives far away. You're investing in yourself and your own future and in a good relationship with your son who's there with you right now. I'm absolutely sure that your investments will pay off to a much happier future. except he has zero fricking consequences. He doesn't see the kids turmoil because they hide it well, hell he barely sees them at all. He doesn't care about the hurt he's caused me or our families. Ugh...this sucks He doesn't feel the consequences. at the moment. He will. He also won't feel the coming rewards either. Your story seems to mirror mine too. Wouldn't want him back for anything and he's the one that is still miserable if truth be told. And his relationship with kids? Zilch. That's a huge lose for him. He has no clue what wonderful people thy e grown to be. Hang in there. You'll get through it and be thankful in the end. May not be easy going, takes a while but you'll be in the thank God and Greyhound he's gone bus soon enough. I promise. Hugs. |
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Post by craftedbys on Dec 6, 2021 0:10:15 GMT
I have heard the Peas say it before, the best revenge is a life well lived.
Take all of the physical, mental, and emotional time and energy that you used to spend on him and spend it on yourself.
Do what makes you happy and put yourself first, even if it is small things like cooking the foods you prefer (but maybe didn't fix because he didn't like it) or setting the thermostat where YOU are comfortable.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 6, 2021 1:46:49 GMT
It is unfair but start believing that he did not leave you, you are moving on from him. You are leaving his bull sh!t behind. You are leaving him behind.
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Post by refugeepea on Dec 6, 2021 2:02:37 GMT
I don't know if you would consider your husband a narcissist or not, but I've found Dr. Ramani very helpful just in general dealing with difficult people. This first video is one that is good to watch over and over. It's about keeping your emotions in control.
And finally, maybe this will help with therapy.
Also, I consider myself a highly sensitive person, and I found it helpful.
She has a lot of videos, so I tried picking out ones that might help you.
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Post by voltagain on Dec 6, 2021 2:20:38 GMT
He's investing his time in beer and a woman who's married to someone else and lives far away. You're investing in yourself and your own future and in a good relationship with your son who's there with you right now. I'm absolutely sure that your investments will pay off to a much happier future. except he has zero fricking consequences. He doesn't see the kids turmoil because they hide it well, hell he barely sees them at all. He doesn't care about the hurt he's caused me or our families. Ugh...this sucks I felt the same way in the first month/year of our divorce. Don't look at now. This is just the first inning of this horrible "game" Keep the 9th inning in mind. You are setting up a good long term relationship with your son. You are going to learn that having little money but solid relationships you can rely on is worth way more than money. We are at the point now 2 of our kids have no contact at all with him. One has minimal contact that isn't a close relationship. silverlining is correct in your future investment in your child. |
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Post by voltagain on Dec 6, 2021 2:21:21 GMT
I don't know if you would consider your husband a narcissist or not, but I've found Dr. Ramani very helpful just in general dealing with difficult people. This first video is one that is good to watch over and over. It's about keeping your emotions in control.
And finally, maybe this will help with therapy.
Also, I consider myself a highly sensitive person, and I found it helpful.
She has a lot of videos, so I tried picking out ones that might help you.
Dr Ramani is an absolute gem! |
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Dec 6, 2021 2:36:13 GMT
Fairness and consequence play the long, stealth game sometimes.
Keep your head down and do what you need to do as you trudge down this path that he’s skipping down. Dingaling will skip right off a cliff….or into quicksand.
You’ll be the one holding her head high later.
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Post by ~summer~ on Dec 6, 2021 3:18:18 GMT
I doubt this other woman realizes she’s getting a raging alcoholic. I know it’s hard to see it now but you will be in a much better place without him. Hopefully one day fairly soon you’ll be able to say “good riddance”.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 6, 2021 3:22:30 GMT
I doubt this other woman realizes she’s getting a raging alcoholic. I know it’s hard to see it now but you will be in a much better place without him. Hopefully one day fairly soon you’ll be able to say “good riddance”. She is a raging alcoholic as well. They are excited to get to drink their nights away together |
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Post by refugeepea on Dec 6, 2021 3:25:51 GMT
She is a raging alcoholic as well. They are excited to get to drink their nights away together They can get cirrhosis of the liver and die early. You'll be laughing when you're still alive and have half of your ex's retirement. At least that's what happened to my aunt. Maybe that was a little harsh, but now's a good time to stay pissed and get what you deserve.  |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,878
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Dec 6, 2021 3:38:05 GMT
I doubt this other woman realizes she’s getting a raging alcoholic. I know it’s hard to see it now but you will be in a much better place without him. Hopefully one day fairly soon you’ll be able to say “good riddance”. She is a raging alcoholic as well. They are excited to get to drink their nights away together May they drink their nights away and live horrid cheating lives. Guaranteed neither is happy with their lives right now. You, my dear, are so much better than what he is choosing. Head up high. Live your life and live it well. Show him that his choices have no consequences for you any longer. As others have said, make him pay. College expenses for BOTH kids. Cars AND insurance for BOTH kids. Alimony for you. He's making shit decisions and shit decisions have consequences in the long term. All the peas have our back and we're pulling for you to clean him out. MAKE IT HAPPEN DEAR! |
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Post by ~summer~ on Dec 6, 2021 3:41:13 GMT
I doubt this other woman realizes she’s getting a raging alcoholic. I know it’s hard to see it now but you will be in a much better place without him. Hopefully one day fairly soon you’ll be able to say “good riddance”. She is a raging alcoholic as well. They are excited to get to drink their nights away together sounds like a horrifically unhealthy and not great lifestyle. Is he a nurse? |
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Dec 6, 2021 3:42:00 GMT
They are excited to get to drink their nights away together Broken always finds broken.
ETA: I know you said you feel broken but you aren't - you're going through some crappy shit but the fact that you are thinking about your sons and trying your best for them clearly shows that you are far from broken.
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Post by hopemax on Dec 6, 2021 4:09:59 GMT
She is a raging alcoholic as well. They are excited to get to drink their nights away together sounds like a horrifically unhealthy and not great lifestyle. Is he a nurse? This is where my thoughts are taking me. Alcohol + health care worker = not a good combo in the long term. If it's nights now, what makes it stay that way? Especially, since it sounds like he's escalating? Maybe he can avoid employment consequences, maybe he won't. What do his co-workers know about his drinking? How much patient interaction does he have? (these aren't questions in search of an actual answer, just thoughts). It will be far better for FC to be away from that kind of crap, and concentrating on building a safe space for her and her kids. One person is playing for the long game; one is living in the moment, consequences be damned. I also don't think this will end well for him. As Nemo says, "Just keep swimming." |
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ModChick
Drama Llama
True North Strong and Free
Posts: 5,092
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Post by ModChick on Dec 6, 2021 4:27:24 GMT
Dear freecharlie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I truly am. I haven't posted about it, but I am in a very similar situation with my husband of 35years. And it totally f*ing sucks.  Hang in there and just keep telling yourself, "f*ck you, Mr. freecharlie" in your head a million times a day. It doesn't change anything, but I feel good doing it anyway. Hugs to you both. Definitely not fair but from reading the peas over the years you both will be better without these jackass husbands, though it’ll take time to see it that way. Many hugs and blessings for peace. |
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,366
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Dec 6, 2021 5:28:11 GMT
Ugh, I'm so sorry about all of this. I think the weekends are probably especially hard. It's more time to think and worry. You've gotten some great advice here. Keep your head high and plow through. You do have the upper hand, and you can do this.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 24, 2024 10:51:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2021 7:11:44 GMT
He's investing his time in beer and a woman who's married to someone else and lives far away. You're investing in yourself and your own future and in a good relationship with your son who's there with you right now. I'm absolutely sure that your investments will pay off to a much happier future. except he has zero fricking consequences. He doesn't see the kids turmoil because they hide it well, hell he barely sees them at all. He doesn't care about the hurt he's caused me or our families. Ugh...this sucks First, I hate so much you are going through this. Especially this time of year. Second, I am positive that many, many Peas will back me up on this....it seems as Mr. FC Asshole has no consequences NOW. But the devil ALWAYS....ALWAYS comes to collect my dear. His day will come soon or in the future, but he will have to face the price of his choices. You keep your chin up and keep your kids close. You will be so much better without that piece of shit!!! |
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
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Post by sassyangel on Dec 6, 2021 12:21:33 GMT
He's investing his time in beer and a woman who's married to someone else and lives far away. You're investing in yourself and your own future and in a good relationship with your son who's there with you right now. I'm absolutely sure that your investments will pay off to a much happier future. except he has zero fricking consequences. He doesn't see the kids turmoil because they hide it well, hell he barely sees them at all. He doesn't care about the hurt he's caused me or our families. Ugh...this sucks Oh girl - he cares - it’s why he’s consuming so much beer (I assume these excess amounts are not normal). A person looking forward to their life with someone else is not drinking excessively to cope with it. It’s not fair, he’s run a wrecking ball through the life you built together and you’ve had absolutely no say in it. That’s not even remotely fair. Your anger is entirely justified. But there will be consequences for him for that, just because he’s seemingly not facing them right now - doesn’t mean they’re not coming for him. In spades. Keep being there for your boys. They didn’t deserve this either. We’ll be here for you. I hope you’re continuing your own therapy still. That’s so important. Hugs. |
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 6, 2021 14:27:37 GMT
Hang in there. I know you'll build a new and better life.
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,159
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Post by teddyw on Dec 6, 2021 14:34:36 GMT
These situations are never fair. I’m a firm believer in karma He’ll get what’s coming to him eventually.
You just be the bigger person for now. Get your therapy started asap. Your kids need this from you.
The whole situation just sucks.
Remember you can vent away here as much as you need to.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 6, 2021 15:41:50 GMT
Worse today. Even working isn't helping
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