peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,676
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 15, 2021 14:13:38 GMT
Nope, not in our house. Both DDs had boyfriends in college (oldest now married to him) and no they didn't spend the night with DDs. Younger DDs boyfriend has come and stayed with us over breaks but he sleeps in the guest room, never with DD. I'm not a prude, I understand that they're having sex, but not in our house. What they do at college is one thing, but they won't sleep in the same room in our home until they're married. I swear I'm not picking on you because I certainly agree about the younger kids/high school. I'm curious what you'd do in my shoes: my older ones are 29 and 27 and live with their boyfriends (one is now a fiance). Would you separate them when they come to stay with you? I only ask because we were faced with this and it just seemed silly to say "sure, you live together but you can't sleep together in our house til you're married."
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Dec 15, 2021 14:35:52 GMT
I swear I'm not picking on you because I certainly agree about the younger kids/high school. I'm curious what you'd do in my shoes: my older ones are 29 and 27 and live with their boyfriends (one is now a fiance). Would you separate them when they come to stay with you? I only ask because we were faced with this and it just seemed silly to say "sure, you live together but you can't sleep together in our house til you're married." That's a fair question, and luckily one we haven't had to answer yet! Youngest is only 22 and does not live with her boyfriend. I'd like to think that we would separate them in our house, but again, if they are late 20's and live together that seems kinda silly. So, in short, to answer you- I don't know! We'll cross that bridge if/when we get to it!
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Dec 15, 2021 14:36:16 GMT
It never came up for us - whenever anyone came over (SOs or friends), they all just hopped a subway home or arranged an uber at the end of the night. If/when my kids were having sex, it was just never here.
In terms of sex in general, though, we didn't care. We covered consent, respect, STDs, and unwanted pregnancies ad nauseam and let them make their own decisions.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 15, 2021 14:50:21 GMT
My own mother was very opposed to couples living together outside of marriage earlier in her life. It would never have occurred to me in high school to even broach the idea of having a boy spend the night. In fact, I was not sexually active until college. When I did get married at 24, she sheepishly asked me if I had any questions about my wedding night. What?!? I was dumbfounded that she might think I hadn't had sex yet. I mumbled, no I'm good. And that was the end of that little talk. Lol.
But over the years, her stance softened on many things. She no longer blinks an eye at couples living together, my own son having his girlfriend stay in his room at our home, or many other things she once considered taboo.
I'm not sharing this to shame anyone. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. But society is changing. And sometimes it's worth examining an old belief system to see if it really still holds up for you. Thank goodness, otherwise we'd never be making the strides we are in acceptance of sexual and/or gender orientation, women's rights, and so many other issues.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,676
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 15, 2021 15:04:37 GMT
My own mother was very opposed to couples living together outside of marriage earlier in her life. It would never have occurred to me in high school to even broach the idea of having a boy spend the night. In fact, I was not sexually active until college. When I did get married at 24, she sheepishly asked me if I had any questions about my wedding night. What?!? I was dumbfounded that she might think I hadn't had sex yet. I mumbled, no I'm good. And that was the end of that little talk. Lol. But over the years, her stance softened on many things. She no longer blinks an eye at couples living together, my own son having his girlfriend stay in his room at our home, or many other things she once considered taboo. I'm not sharing this to shame anyone. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. But society is changing. And sometimes it's worth examining an old belief system to see if it really still holds up for you. Thank goodness, otherwise we'd never be making the strides we are in acceptance of sexual and/or gender orientation, women's rights, and so many other issues. My mom was adamantly opposed to us sharing our beds with boyfriends (even long term ones when we were in our 20s) until she got tired of making up another bed haha.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 15, 2021 15:08:15 GMT
My mom was adamantly opposed to us sharing our beds with boyfriends (even long term ones when we were in our 20s) until she got tired of making up another bed haha. Gotta love it when practicality wins out!
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Post by workingclassdog on Dec 15, 2021 15:19:37 GMT
No sleepovers at our house. Just something I don't want happening under my roof (or at least while I am there..lol).. .I don't even know where they would sleepover anyways. At one point two girls shared a room and my son had his own room. My son didn't date much (still doesn't) so it was never a discussion really.
After 20ish and in a long term relationship.. I wouldn't really care... But not a casual thing.
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Dec 15, 2021 15:59:09 GMT
DD is younger, but the first time DH and I were allowed to share a room at my parents' house, we were 28, had been together 2.5 years, had been living together 1.5 years, and had purchased a house together 4 months earlier. Still, it was only allowed because we were in town for a family wedding and they needed the spare bedroom for other people. I was allowed to share a room with DH at his parents house after we'd been dating 2-3 months, and they actually allowed us to live in their basement together for about a year while I was still in grad school and we were saving for a house.
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Post by Tamhugh on Dec 15, 2021 17:29:25 GMT
I wouldn't have been ok with it in high school but once they were a little older, I had no problem with it. Ironically, both of my boys only seemed to date local girls, even when they lived away from here so we never had the question arise. DS#1 met his wife when he was 28 and the first time they came for an overnight visit, I asked him what she was comfortable with and took my cue from that.
I will say that if I had much younger children, I might struggle more with it (which I know is silly, but I can't help it).
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 15, 2021 20:25:55 GMT
I think "teens" needs to be clarified into age groups.
"teens" while still in high school? No, I didn't let it happen. "teens" when out of high school? Sure.
Both of my kids chose to keep living at home while attending the local community college. I know that if they were living in a dorm away from home, it would happen, so it can happen at home. But, I will also say that I have pretty good, low key, mellow kids. DS hasn't dated anyone lately. DD has been dating the same boy for years. She usually spends the night at his house. Rarely has he stayed at ours. It's just a logistics thing, not because he can't.
They're 20 and 22 now, so not teens anymore.
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maryannscraps
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Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Dec 15, 2021 20:37:00 GMT
Neither of mine had a serious relationship until college. Once they were living on their own at college, not a problem when they came home. They're 23 and 27 now, and living with their SOs. Who knows if they'll ever get married, doesn't bother me one whit. They stay together in their old rooms now. I bought larger beds so they'd be comfortable when they visit.
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carhoch
Pearl Clutcher
Be yourself everybody else is already taken
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Location: We’re RV’s so It change all the time .
Jun 28, 2014 21:46:39 GMT
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Post by carhoch on Dec 15, 2021 22:16:39 GMT
I grew up in Switzerland with a very liberal Dutch mom , My boyfriend that is now my husband was allowed to sleep on my house when I was 18 and that was in 1981 . So of course my kids were always allowed to bring a girlfriend at home they probably started when they were 16 or 17 I always thought that it was better for them to have a safe place to do it then the back of a car where are you can get in trouble for indecent exposure or something. I also put condoms in their bathroom when they were 15.
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Post by putabuttononit on Dec 15, 2021 22:58:04 GMT
Nope. They never even asked. We have a camper for guests and that’s where visiting boyfriends stayed. And no “visits” lol. Guard dogs lol. One dd is married now and the other has her own place. Our son never had girlfriends stay over either.
But it’s something we wouldn’t have allowed. I know the argument is they are going to do it anyway but we decided as parents we won’t be the ones to give them a key to a little love nest we pay the mortgage on. Sexual activity has emotional consequences and regrets can have long lasting mental health issues, even. Convenience can lead to more impulsive decisions or move up the timeline to intimacy. Sure they may do it anyway but our kids would have been confused if we weren’t standing our ground on it. That’s just how we did it. Everyone has to make their own choices as parents.
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Post by SallyPA on Dec 16, 2021 0:18:45 GMT
The 18 year old mini adult hasnt asked for a sleepover, but also sex doesn’t only happen during sleepovers lol 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t particularly care, as I have long been educating them on prevention of pregnancy and STIs.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Dec 16, 2021 0:49:16 GMT
I also put condoms in their bathroom when they were 15. I did the same.
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Post by sideways on Dec 16, 2021 0:58:09 GMT
Not in high school. But now, both my kids are in long-term, committed relationships. Their SOs have stayed over. I don’t know for sure if they’ve had sex here when their SOs have stayed, but I’m not naive so I assume they have.
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 16, 2021 2:21:52 GMT
By the time my kid had graduate high school, he'd been with his girlfriend for 5 years. We'd already taken her on a trip outside of the country (they each had their own bed in a space we all shared.. We didn't have sleep overs, but there was one night after graduation where she slept in our house. There were 26 people in our house that night, and no room was left unattended. Once they began college, I lightened up. They took a few weekend trips together and he had his own college dorm. I was really more nervous about her getting pregnant. I knew they were having sex (strongly assumed anyway). Both of them had plans for school that would take them years to accomplish and a baby would have really made that road much more difficult for them. I had talked to both her and my son about how challenging having a baby could be (several of her friends had them right after college) and she had baby fever for a few months. That died down and she is still chasing her academic dreams 6 years later (medical). I tried to be realistic about having teens and still have boundaries that thankfully they seemed to respect in my house.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 16, 2021 2:32:37 GMT
My son and Ddil were very young when they got married. I knew they were having sex becausse we had thin walls. He married the beauty and they have a dog.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,063
Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on Dec 16, 2021 4:02:26 GMT
It’s very interesting reading this thread. USA has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies yet one of the poorest overall sex ed in schools coverage. Although rates are dropping they are still high in comparison to other developed countries. From what I read today, the state with the highest rates is one of the most religious and has no sex ed in schools. Hmmm….
Good quality sex education at an early ages doesn’t lead to promiscuity or early sex, quite the opposite.
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Post by gorgeouskid on Dec 16, 2021 5:59:45 GMT
There's no other.
DS is 20, and has not had a girl over at all ever (1000sf 2br/1ba house). He has a house at school in New York City, and possibly has sex there, or somewhere else.
There's no way he discusses it with us. He is VERY private on relationships/sex. I don't blame him as I was the same way.
If the time comes (heh heh), I don't have a problem with him having "relations" provided that they are protected.
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cycworker
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Posts: 4,378
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Dec 16, 2021 7:32:46 GMT
I am lucky in that I'll never have to sort through this dilemma. I know that when my brother was in his early 20s and my parents were away, he was not to have girls overnight in the house. If he did, he was discreet enough to make sure I didn't know about it, so I wasn't in the awkward spot of having to decide what to do if I was asked. And I imagine he knew I leaned towards agreeing with my parents on the issue.
I remember before my Nana died... she had gone into the hospital September 2005. My bro would've been 23 and she was... 20? 19? No younger than 19. He stayed at my Nana's place to look after it. My parents weren't happy when they realized that she was staying there with him overnight and they were essentially living together. And when they officially moved in together they were NOT happy. I kept reassuring my mom that it was going to be fine; she was the one & they'd get married. I was right... they got married in 2009.
So in a situation like that - where the couple is confident they want to, and are mature enough to be sure they're ready to, view the relationship as forever, then I don't care whether or not you're married in the legal sense. I just care that you take the relationship seriously enough that you don't walk away if things are tough. You accept that relationships have ups & downs, you do the work, and you try really hard to stay together.
I'm not really saying people should never get divorced, or unmarried couples should never break up. It happens. People change; some problems can't be fixed.
I'm saying you know when you're in a relationship if someone is a person you can see as 'The Right One,' vs 'The One For Now,'... the one you see planning a long term future with vs the one you can't actually picture in your life six months or a year from now. And if the thought of forever with someone is a big no, then I was raised that no matter how old you are, you shouldn't be having sex with the person.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,676
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 16, 2021 12:11:35 GMT
It’s very interesting reading this thread. USA has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies yet one of the poorest overall sex ed in schools coverage. Although rates are dropping they are still high in comparison to other developed countries. From what I read today, the state with the highest rates is one of the most religious and has no sex ed in schools. Hmmm…. Good quality sex education at an early ages doesn’t lead to promiscuity or early sex, quite the opposite. Which answers are you responding to? Because not being comfortable with high schoolers having sex in your home doesn’t mean you didn’t talk to your kids about sex. Or that it wasn’t taught in their schools. I found that this thread surprised me - I was surprised how many people were okay with having unmarried couples sleeping together in their home. I thought it would be the opposite. And I think if this discussion had happened 10 years ago, it would’ve looked very different.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 16, 2021 13:02:05 GMT
I grew up in Switzerland with a very liberal Dutch mom , My boyfriend that is now my husband was allowed to sleep on my house when I was 18 and that was in 1981 . So of course my kids were always allowed to bring a girlfriend at home they probably started when they were 16 or 17 I always thought that it was better for them to have a safe place to do it then the back of a car where are you can get in trouble for indecent exposure or something. I also put condoms in their bathroom when they were 15. I always think it is interesting when people describe Dutch people as being liberal. I grew up in an area that was primarily filled with people with Dutch heritage and they are definitely not liberal. I wonder at what point in history Dutch people became liberal? Or is it that the ones that came here came because they weren’t liberal? Although I guess I don’t consider allowing teens to have sex in your home openly to be “liberal”.
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huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,040
Jun 25, 2014 20:22:13 GMT
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Post by huskergal on Dec 16, 2021 13:35:42 GMT
Nope. They never even asked. We have a camper for guests and that’s where visiting boyfriends stayed. And no “visits” lol. Guard dogs lol. One dd is married now and the other has her own place. Our son never had girlfriends stay over either. But it’s something we wouldn’t have allowed. I know the argument is they are going to do it anyway but we decided as parents we won’t be the ones to give them a key to a little love nest we pay the mortgage on. Sexual activity has emotional consequences and regrets can have long lasting mental health issues, even. Convenience can lead to more impulsive decisions or move up the timeline to intimacy. Sure they may do it anyway but our kids would have been confused if we weren’t standing our ground on it. That’s just how we did it. Everyone has to make their own choices as parents. 100% agreement with your last statement!
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huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,040
Jun 25, 2014 20:22:13 GMT
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Post by huskergal on Dec 16, 2021 13:40:13 GMT
It’s very interesting reading this thread. USA has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies yet one of the poorest overall sex ed in schools coverage. Although rates are dropping they are still high in comparison to other developed countries. From what I read today, the state with the highest rates is one of the most religious and has no sex ed in schools. Hmmm…. Good quality sex education at an early ages doesn’t lead to promiscuity or early sex, quite the opposite. Which answers are you responding to? Because not being comfortable with high schoolers having sex in your home doesn’t mean you didn’t talk to your kids about sex. Or that it wasn’t taught in their schools. I found that this thread surprised me - I was surprised how many people were okay with having unmarried couples sleeping together in their home. I thought it would be the opposite. And I think if this discussion had happened 10 years ago, it would’ve looked very different. Absolutely. We talked to our kids about sex and birth control. My 22 year old daughter got pregnant with a hook up. She was like "you can't be mad at me for having sex", and I was like, "no, but I can be mad about you for not using all the birth control options." We have a beautiful granddaughter that lives with us so at least a positive came out of it.
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on Dec 16, 2021 19:43:49 GMT
I found that this thread surprised me - I was surprised how many people were okay with having unmarried couples sleeping together in their home. I thought it would be the opposite. And I think if this discussion had happened 10 years ago, it would’ve looked very different. If you look at the votes, though, it’s almost overwhelmingly no… 5 votes to every vote that says it’s okay. My own stance 10 years ago would have been different, but 10 years ago my oldest was only 10, so it was purely a hypothetical at that point. I wonder what the responses would be in another 5 or 10 years?
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 16, 2021 21:47:50 GMT
I'm saying you know when you're in a relationship if someone is a person you can see as 'The Right One,' vs 'The One For Now,'... the one you see planning a long term future with vs the one you can't actually picture in your life six months or a year from now. And if the thought of forever with someone is a big no, then I was raised that no matter how old you are, you shouldn't be having sex with the person. At the risk of being judged by the Peas, let me just say that some of the best sex I've had was with a FWB, with whom I had no intention of spending my life. 🤷♀️
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Post by gar on Dec 16, 2021 22:27:07 GMT
I'm saying you know when you're in a relationship if someone is a person you can see as 'The Right One,' vs 'The One For Now,'... the one you see planning a long term future with vs the one you can't actually picture in your life six months or a year from now. And if the thought of forever with someone is a big no, then I was raised that no matter how old you are, you shouldn't be having sex with the person. At the risk of being judged by the Peas, let me just say that some of the best sex I've had was with a FWB, with whom I had no intention of spending my life. 🤷♀️ Yeah, the idea of only ever having sex with one person seems unrealistic to me. Suppose you don’t meet ‘the one’ until you’re 28? 30? Why should young women not have an enjoyable sex life before marriage if they want one?
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Post by ~summer~ on Dec 16, 2021 22:44:10 GMT
I’ll just chime in and say I really don’t agree that a person should only have sex with someone they are spending the rest of their life with. Gosh that would leave out a lot of fun sex.
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carhoch
Pearl Clutcher
Be yourself everybody else is already taken
Posts: 3,001
Location: We’re RV’s so It change all the time .
Jun 28, 2014 21:46:39 GMT
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Post by carhoch on Dec 16, 2021 22:51:49 GMT
I grew up in Switzerland with a very liberal Dutch mom , My boyfriend that is now my husband was allowed to sleep on my house when I was 18 and that was in 1981 . So of course my kids were always allowed to bring a girlfriend at home they probably started when they were 16 or 17 I always thought that it was better for them to have a safe place to do it then the back of a car where are you can get in trouble for indecent exposure or something. I also put condoms in their bathroom when they were 15. I always think it is interesting when people describe Dutch people as being liberal. I grew up in an area that was primarily filled with people with Dutch heritage and they are definitely not liberal. I wonder at what point in history Dutch people became liberal? Or is it that the ones that came here came because they weren’t liberal? Although I guess I don’t consider allowing teens to have sex in your home openly to be “liberal”. I presume that the people you’re talking about came here a very long time ago to escape religious persecution and that the Netherlands became liberal later after those people left. I grew up going there all the time because my grandparents live there and I can tell you that I remember going to the beach in 1983 and every single woman on this beach grandmother included was topless ! They have coffee shop where you can order cannabis ,prostitution is legal and euthanasia was legalize probably more than 30 years ago when I say that a liberal they are extremely liberal.
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