S/O: Teens having sex

Before they were 18?

I said “we pretend they don’t” but in reality we know that ds and his gf have sex and I’m sure they’ve done it in our house. I’m not surprised or upset by it. They’re 20 and have been dating 4 years. He stays the night at her house sometimes (she lives with her parents but her room is in yhe basement). She does not stay the night here, we also have an 11 year old and our bedrooms are all very close together upstairs. I might be a bit more open to it now than I was two or three years ago when ds first approached the subject (it was a hell no then), it just hasn’t come up recently.

I answered yes and here are my thoughts from what happened in my house. My dd was 18 (now 24) when she started dating her now long term partner and father of her baby. They had been going out for about 6 months and she was getting home really late and she said that he Mum had told her she was happy for her to stay over. I thought about it (I knew they were having sex) and agreed for him to stay with us too. I have no issue with sex before marriage and they were in a very committed relationship. I just asked that they be respectful of us and we had no problems.

A young teen I wouldn't be so keen but if she had a serious boyfriend at 16/17 I would have considered it. I would rather her be home and safe than out in a park etc.

My oldest is 14 so not an issue we’ve had come up. But, I’m pretty sure my rule will be not while in high school. but if they live here through college or if they are visiting while in college or older I wouldn’t have a problem with boyfriend staying with them.

I wondered who would be first to start this thread after reading the other one!    I didn't bother responding to the other thread, I just figured I'd add my two cents when/if a new thread was started. FTR Gennifer, I would have dittoed what you said on the other thread.

We started letting my DD's boyfriend stay over when she was 17. I knew they were having sex because I had previously asked her. And I knew they were using double protection. 

My son is 17 but he doesn't have a girlfriend so it hasn't been an issue yet.

FTR, my boyfriend was allowed to stay over when I was 16. He stayed in the lounge room at first, then by 17 he was allowed to stay upstairs, supposedly in the spare room. And my parents were quite strict compared to most of my friends' parents! 

I didn't allow it, but I'm sure they did it

Mine also didn't have serious relationships before they were 18 and out of high school - so discussing late teens. Honestly, I was way more worried about the late night drives than the "impropriety" of sleeping over. I'm not naive about what was happening in college and certainly not naive that sex only happened after lights out in a proper bed. So the whole - no sleepover thing, you need to drive home at 1 am seemed silly to me. But we also have the luxury of a basement where we didn't have the awkwardness of bumping into someone in the hallway at 8 am when getting coffee.

It was the sex and the city with spoiler thread

Not in high school in our house but in college with serious partners I am fine with it.

Absolutely not when in high school. Whey they are older, fine.

My daughter is 20 and has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. Just recently we have let them sleep together with the door open. When we are gone weekends we know he spends the night with her as well, and I know they are having sex. This has been a huge contention between my husband and I. He doesn't like it. I feel as long as they are respectful, who cares. When she spends the night at his house she sleeps in his bedroom which includes his two younger brothers - so nothing going on there! Their colleges are 4 hours apart so they want to make the best of their time together.

I didn't get engaged until I was 33. When we went to visit my parents they wouldn't let us sleep together until we were married.

As an adult? Certainly, as a high school student their girlfriends stayed over but they slept in my soba’s rooms and the sons slept on the sofa. We discussed safe sex and provided protection for them because sex is not worth dying for or creating a child when they were still children themselves. I know that sounds like a double message but I told them the same thing my Mom told me when she provided birth control for me, paraphrasing, I would prefer you didn’t have sex before you’re an adult but I’ve been a teenager and I’m not going to pretend you will listen to my advice so if you do have sex please be careful. Then we discussed issues my Mom didn’t, how no means no, regardless of how far things have gone and I also told them if their friends were having sec without protection they should offer them condoms for the very same reasons.

It would have never happened with my older boys as my ex husband was very prudish. I know for a fact they snuck and had girls in their rooms (not overnight), but he could maintain his blissfully ignorant moral superiority.

Now, my husband and I share the same sensibilities on it. The youngest son lives with us still while working and going to college. At 20 now we treat him like an adult and have for several years. His last serious girlfriend practically lived with us (4-5 nights per week on average) during the time that all her university classes were online. He’s a good kid and always lets us know his plans which I believe is just thoughtfulness amongst family members. If he wants to have someone stay, it’s with the “is it okay if…” sort of conversation.

With four boys, perhaps I’ve felt differently than parents of girls might. Who knows? But I was very open with them about sex education, drove home the no-means-no point regularly, and pushed condom use no matter what the girl might do. Sex is a natural part of life. We attach way too many taboos and guilt trips to it.